Author's Notes- Please enjoy this upload of three chapters! No spoilers, but it would have just felt too cruel to leave it off here. This will probably be the last long chapter, so the uploads should be quicker from here on out. I still expect this to finish at 50 chapters.

Lily- Thank you so much for the review! To be honest, I had kind of given up hope of getting any more before the conclusion. That's to be expected when you take 6 years to finish a story for a fading fanbase, but it's still a little sad. So thank you for restoring some light! I can't promise those three girls will have a large role, but they should have a bit of "presence."

PS. I apologize in advance to everyone for this chapter...


Chapter Forty-Four: Vanity

For one of the few times in his life, Gray planned to intentionally sleep in the next morning. He was partially successful, but he was cut somewhat short when someone walked into his room, grabbed a pillow, and dropped it on his head.

"Get up, sleepyhead," Ann ordered with a self-satisfied smile.

"What's it to you if I sleep in?" Gray groaned.

"Well, Dad wants to get breakfast as a family, but we've gotten kind of tired of waiting after an hour."

Gray waved her away so he had space to stand. "Fine, fine, give me a couple of minutes."

When he had gone to bed, Gray was brimming with hopes of his future as a horse trainer. As he dressed, though, he was startled at what he felt- he felt almost nothing. The warmth filling his body the entire previous day had abandoned him. Even the idea of a celebration seemed more like a chore than anything exciting.

Even so, Gray knew he should still be in a good mood, so he put on a happy face as he walked to the bakery with Ann and Doug. Once they entered through the bakery door, they were welcomed by a voice from the corner.

"Well, it looks like our new champions have paid us a visit," Ellen declared from her rocking chair.

"Oh, hello, Ellen!" Ann greeted. "It's a surprise to see you in here instead of outside."

"You know, the ground outside is still too soft from that rain to hold my chair. Hopefully it's better by tomorrow." She then glanced over at Gray. "But I'm glad it means I get to talk to you. I heard both your horse and Jack's won yesterday. Tell me, how did that go?"

Ann shared the account of Cliffgard's victory, while Gray covered the story for Crutcher. Gray tried to provide as many details as possible, remembering that Ellen once owned a livestock shop and small ranch of her own in her youth. It likely disappointed her a great deal that she was too weak to get out for the races, so it was their job to make it feel like she was really there. Ellen didn't say much, but her eyes beamed with delight as she listened.

Gray was happy to have the chance to talk with her again for the first time in some while. Doing so lifted his spirits somewhat, but when they finally left her to take a seat a dining table, Gray's satisfaction quickly wore off.

After Jeff took their order, Gray turned to his father in hope of finding another spark. "So... I don't know the details, but I did hear something about you talking with some ranch owners... potentially about me training for them."

Doug nodded and said calmly, "Sure, we can talk about that. There were three that came to me directly to broach the subject. They'll want to talk to you as well, of course, but since they know me better, they first wanted to see what my thoughts on the matter were. I confirmed that you were indeed interested in training more, and I gave you my recommendation."

"Well... that's great!" Gray exhaled with a bit of a laugh, relieved to find something that provided some excitement. "Can you give me their contact information when we get back? I want =to reach out while the iron is hot. If we can get a real training operation going here... that would be great for all of us!"

Doug grimaced, which was not the reaction Gray was anticipating. "Well... it's not that simple."

Gray blinked. "I don't understand... Did they not give you a way to contact them?"

"That's not the problem. Of course I can get ahold of them. It's just... while they'd like to take you on... they don't necessarily want their horses stabled here in Flowerbud. They fear it's just too expensive to have to ferry the horses across for every race. They're impressed, but they're not confident that you're that much of a good investment, if you understand me. There was one that we might have a chance of swaying over, but the others were quite insistent. If you want to train, you'll have to take up a position at one of their stables."

"So... I'd have to leave Flowerbud," Gray said aloud, stating the obvious.

After a few seconds of silence, Doug started, "Is that something you'd be intereste-."

"- I don't know, Dad," Gray interrupted brusquely. Upon realizing he had been disrespectful, Gray added more calmly, "Sorry I interrupted. It's just that it's an issue I wasn't expecting, and I don't know what to think about it yet."

How could he? After his accident, Gray came to accept that his dream of being a star jockey had always been unrealistic. But apparently he had learned little, as his new dream of being a renowned trainer in Flowerbud was proven to be just as far-fetched. Doug had always known Gray would never succeed as a jockey. Had he kept his son in the dark on this, too?

"Did you know this would happen?" Gray asked his father in a tone almost accusatory.

"No. I've never gotten deep enough in such an operation to know how ferry costs and race winnings for a large ranch balance. I'm sorry. I would have warned you had I thought of it, but I truly didn't know."

"For what it's worth, I didn't realize it would be a problem, either," Ann muttered, at least a little sympathetic to Gray's plight.

That helped ease the pain of Gray's bruised ego, but it did nothing to solve the actual problem.

Gray spent most the meal in silence, only speaking when Doug or Ann directly asked him a question. He attempted to use this time to sort out an answer to his dilemma, but he never extracted himself outside of its initial loop. To train horses, he would have to leave Flowerbud. To leave Flowerbud, he would have to leave behind his friends, family, and home...

He had worked so hard with Jack, and they were even victorious in the race. But clearly no amount of effort would change the fact that Green Ranch was in a poor location. He could move, yes, but he had invested so much time in building relations with family and friends. He even had Popuri. Would Popuri want to leave with him? Probably not. She loved Flowerbud. And she already had a father who ditched his family for half a year; would she really tolerate someone else?

No, leaving wasn't an option. But staying would effectively mean that Gray's life had already hit its apex. Nothing else could match raising Jack and Crutcher from nobodies to champions. Life was all downhill going forward, and he hadn't even reached the age of thirty.

So what was point, then? How could someone be happy in a life where achieving one's dreams was impossible? His goals didn't seem that absurdly unrealistic at the outset. He had even given up on ever being a jockey again. And yet not even that was enough.

Gray was so distracted that he could barely recall what he had for breakfast by the time he got home, having hardly even registered the taste of any of it.

Ann, Doug, and even Cliff were all insistent that Gray take the entire day off. Not feeling up to arguing with them, he first took a shower and then pondered how to spend the rest of the day. Going out with his girlfriend, doing whatever she wanted? Popuri could always cheer him up. Or maybe a walk alone in the mountains so he could really let the significance of the victory marinate in his mind? Perhaps there was still some joy left to distill from yesterday if he focused on it enough.

Instead of any of that, Gray grabbed a pair of work gloves, stuffed them in his pocket, and started the walk to Jack's house.

Gray knocked on the door and then opened it when a voice told him it was unlocked. Jack looked surprised to see his trainer. He had been lying on top of his bed covers while writing in a diary when Gray entered.

"No time to take a day off and celebrate?" Jack asked.

"I… celebrating is fine. But I wanted to know what our plan is going forward."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Wait, didn't you tell me to take some time to relax just yesterday? Why the change in heart?"

"No change. That was yesterday; today is today," Gray tried to justify.

"Alright," Jack relented as he stood. Gray took a seat at the table, but before Jack joined him, the jockey whisked something from his nightstand. He then handed the object to Gray as he sat down. It was a brass medal stamped with a horse and jockey. The design had not changed much since Gray received his last.

"Found that in the mail this morning, as well as a photo from the winner's circle. I assume you also got a photo."

"I haven't checked, but you're probably right," Gray replied as he set the medal down.

"So what exactly did you have in mind in terms of planning?" Jack asked as he drummed his fingers on the table. "We're still letting Crutcher rest today, correct?"

"Right. Do you have a pen and some paper I can borrow?"

After Jack delivered the requested material, Gray outlined a rough plan for Crutcher's training leading up to the next race in the spring. The schedule needed to change some to account for the colder weather and loss of access to the tracks during periods of heavy snowfall. He also provided advice for changes to Crutcher's nutrition while the pastures were unavailable.

Once Gray finished his lesson, Jack took the outline and slid it into a binder on his bookcase.

"Thanks, this should help a lot," Jack said. "Especially since you probably won't be available as much going forward."

"What makes you say that?"

"Popuri mentioned some owners looking for you to take on their horses, right?"

Gray groaned, only now disappointed that Popuri blabbed about it in public without all of the details. He then explained the full situation to Jack.

"I'm sorry to hear it's more complicated that we initially thought, but... I know you'll work something out. Whatever the case, you shouldn't need to spend as much time with me as you used to. I know the program by now. You should enjoy your new free time."

"What if I want to work? Why does everyone keep telling me not to work?" Gray grumbled in frustration. He checked himself before his temper could get out of control. "... I should be doing something, just like everyone else."

"Why?"

"That's what people do… do things."

"People do things," Jack repeated back. "Why, though? To make something, win something?"

Gray was accustomed to the sudden shift to the philosophical by this point. "Yeah, that's pretty much it. It should be something you care about, of course, but doing something constructive… it's what gives us meaning."

"If you wanted to do something actually constructive, you probably shouldn't have gotten involved in the horse racing business."

"It is constructive!" Gray contended with indignation. "It provides enjoyment for people, and happy people are more productive. It makes money. It-."

Jack stopped him before it was too late with a laugh. "I know, I know, I was joking. Well, that and making a point. Not everything that matters is tangible. Work is good. We're hardwired to work. But we're also hardwired to sleep and eat, and we don't stake our existence on those… tell me this. What was the best part of the win, for you?"

"I mean… I was just happy that we won."

"I'll tell you mine. There was a great sense of joy and relief when I crossed that line, but the part I think I'll remember most is getting hugs from everyone, seeing how proud they were." Jack walked over to his nightstand and returned with an open book. It was a photo album. Gray recognized the scene in the most recent addition. "It was standing in the winner's circle with you and your family. Sharing that experience with my friends."

Jack picked up the medal on the table and looked at it for a brief moment before dropping it casually. "It's not about a piece of metal that will just sit in my dresser until it ends up lost. It's about the people… more exactly, the relationships."

"Alright, I'll agree. That was the best part," Gray said. He then added, "But it's a flawed premise."

"How so?"

Gray paused before speaking, not sure how much he wanted to reveal. "After my accident… I was in a dark place. I don't want to go back there, but if I'm being honest with myself, I can't refute most of the thoughts that were going through my head. I was able to push them aside while working towards this race, but now that it's over, all those insecurities have flooded back. These relationships… you treat them like they are some eternal foundation. But just like that medal, relationships can rust or be lost, right? People change, people leave, people die. You know how it works. You said people moved all the time back in the city. What kind of existence is based on that? I get it, it's more meaningful than a medal. But it's no permanent solution, either. When I'm on my deathbed, do I want to be comforted by how I affected the lives of people either already dead or soon to die? It's a constant cycle of finding meaning, losing it, and finding something else all over again until you finally die to no real result."

Jack shrugged hopelessly. "Well, what matters is that it fulfills you. What happens after you are gone, or what really matters in the long run… it doesn't make any difference to your feelings directly."

"So our choice is to either be miserable or just pretend that what we are doing really matters? Lie to ourselves so that we feel good? Construct some fantasy world that only exists within the timespan of our lives? I'm not sure if that's not even more ridiculous than actually believing in the Harvest Goddess or something."

"I agree." When Gray prepared to ask why he had pivoted so suddenly, Jack explained himself before he could get the words out. "I know you aren't a person of faith, Gray, so I wanted to try rationalizing things as best as I could from your perspective. Not to mention that I don't want to go forcing my worldview on you again. But it seems you've reached a point that our thinking isn't so different."

"So you think the Harvest Goddess is real? Do they even have her in the city?"

"Not necessarily."

"So what do you believe in?"

"Nothing too specific. I never put that much thought into it. Seems like it's more trouble than it's worth arguing over who's right and who's wrong. I just figured if someone put enough effort into making this world, they're probably cool enough treat me well with whatever comes next. I do try to imagine what it will look like, though. If it's companionship that's the best thing here, I have to imagine that it's going to be a main element of what's coming after, too. I like to think there will be a continuity to the relationships that we have here, and that what they are now is just a taste of what we can expect then."

Gray smirked. "It's a nice thought. You and Popuri would get along on this. Her views are similar. But if I'm going to have faith in something, I'd rather it be something that's tangible, something I can understand… not just a pleasant platitude."

"I hear you. I guess you could start by taking chapel services more seriously if it's official dogma you want."

"I'm not saying that's what I want, either. I don't…. I don't know what I want, honestly…" Gray then shook his head after trailing off. "Forget it. I've got plenty of good things in my life without worrying about any of that. Sorry I bothered you... I'll see you at the party tonight, yeah?"

"I'll be there," Jack confirmed. When Gray stood and turned to leave, he added, "And Gray! … I'm not good at facing fights, so maybe I'm being hypocritical saying it. But I don't think this is a question you can just put off your whole life and then try to figure out on your deathbed. It can be daunting, but it's the kind of thing that impacts all facets of your life, whether you realize it or not."

"… See you tonight, Jack."

After grabbing some snacks for lunch from his house, Gray began a walk out to the wilderness. He chose to follow the bank of the inland creek upstream. There was a mountain in that direction beyond the more famous Moon Mountain. This particular peak was further out and had no trail access, but it was in fact the taller of the two. Gray had fantasized about being the first person to summit it in at least half a century on more than one occasion, and now he was going to see it through. If he couldn't work today, he would at least do something new.

Gray assumed that the hike wouldn't be too complicated, even without a trail. However, thick bramble blocked his way up, resulting in his legs being cut multiple times. On another two occasions, he scraped his hand and knee on rocks after stumbling.

The whole mountainside was covered in a thick deciduous forest. Though most leaves had already fallen, the trees were still so densely packed that they blocked any kind of interesting view. The whole experience was long, painful, and rather boring. Even so, Gray was too obstinate to turn back.

At the summit, Gray's view was blocked by still more forest. By climbing up a strategically located branch, though, he was finally able to peek over the tree line. His perch offered an overlook of the bay. In the distance, he could just make out the city that lied beyond. The view of the city was better than on Moon Mountain despite being further away.

The city. There across the bay lied the answer to Gray's ambitions. It was also an unfamiliar land that offered no friends. A place that Jack was so disillusioned with that he abandoned it.

Perhaps Gray could find an exciting adventure there, one that would widen his world and push him to his limit.

Then again, this hike was supposed to do the same, and it ended up being a colossal waste of effort.

Gray dropped down from the branch and started home. Along the way back, something compelled Gray to make a quick stop at the Goddess Spring. He picked up a nearby rock upon his arrival.

"If you answer this, I'll believe you're real," Gray said before he launched it into the pool, much like he had the day he argued with Ann at the same location.

There was no response.

Gray nodded, realizing his mistake. If the Goddess just showed up, there wouldn't be much need for "belief", no more than he needed "belief" that his hair was red.

"Fine, if you prefer the mystical, just give me a sign and I'll believe. Could be as simple as a gust of wind," Gray corrected with gritted teeth. He tossed in another rock.

There was no response.

"If you have a really good answer, I'll even give up racing altogether," Gray said with less conviction as he threw an offering in his final attempt.

There was no response.

"How dull," Gray muttered before continuing home. His hike had mercifully exhausted most of the afternoon. What little remained of his night played out in reverse of the morning- he showered, ate some food, and fell asleep. His nap was ended by Ann once again dropping a pillow on his head.

"Party time, Gray! I sure hope you plan to stay awake."

Gray didn't bother to say anything in reply, but he did follow her quietly to the bar. Ann made a couple of half-hearted attempts to cheer him up on the way there but resigned quickly.

Karen had apparently been given the night off from Duke and had rearranged the tables so that three of them were lined up adjacent to each other. A wooden box, whose contents were hidden by its lid, sat in the center of the middle table. Karen announced that she would wait until everyone was present before making its reveal. Kai, Rick, and Jack were already there before Ann and Gray. Cliff came next, followed by Harris and Maria. Zack also arrived, having been personally invited by Gray the day before. Popuri, Elli, and Jeff were last, all citing that they had brought some snacks. The rest of the townsfolk were not barred from entry, but they all decided to stay at home for the night out of respect of their party.

With everyone watching, Karen finally explained herself. "This is what I needed us to wait for," she said as she pulled out a wine bottle. "Anyone recognize what's in here?"

Gray stood next to her and was therefore able to read the bottle's label. "The Door to Heaven!" he answered with audible shock.

"My grandmother called it Heaven's Gate. I don't know why my dad kept screwing up the name on the labels. It's not like it's that difficult."

"… I think I'm missing some context," Cliff interjected with evident confusion.

"This stuff was a legendary wine that your grandmother Eve was famous for making. It's incredibly valuable," Ann explained for Cliff. "Karen, I can't believe you'd open one for this."

"Not just one, I've got three," she said as she reached into the box and extracted two more bottles. Seeing everyone's astonishment, particularly Gray and Jack, she added, "Don't pride yourself too much, boys. I'm only willing to part with this as it looks like we might actually get a decent harvest this year. Heaven's Gate is going to get a fresh batch."

"Even so... it's very kind of you to give these away on our behalf," Jack thanked.

"Yes, yes, I know." Karen then yelled towards the kitchen, "Duke! Can you bring out some glasses for everyone?"

Elli and Popuri explained the treats they brought as the wine was poured out. While Gray was certainly impressed to have the opportunity to taste Heaven's Gate for the first time, he was honestly just as excited for the treats. No matter how good the drink was, wine wasn't his drink of choice.

His suspicion was confirmed once he finally got his first sip of Heaven's Gate. While many others in the room sang its praises, Gray found it to taste tolerable but hardly remarkable. After finishing his portion of wine as a courtesy, he immediately went to the counter to order a beer from Duke.

"If you don't appreciate all the effort I went through for you, you could at least try to act polite while I'm standing right here," Karen scolded as she moved next to him.

Ignoring the absurdity of being lectured on politeness by Karen of all people, Gray replied, "I do appreciate it, and the wine was good. I just like getting some variety. It means more for the rest of you, right?"

After pondering his answer, Karen smiled. "Your excuse is terrible, but you're right that it means more for us. The real jockey deserves the larger portion, anyways. Thanks, Gray."

Gray ignored the insult and returned the main tables after receiving his mug of beer. Initially, people were again effusive with their praise as Jack answered more questions about the race day experience. Before long, however, people were partying just for the sake of partying. Jack seemed to be almost forgotten altogether as people were instead entertained by stories Kai had from his hometown. Jack didn't seem to mind, but Gray shook his head as he returned to the bar counter and took a seat.

On a surface level, it probably didn't seem that different from a normal night of fun at the bar. But to Gray, it somehow seemed more... decadent, or purposeless than usual.

As Gray drank, words he had spoken long ago repeated in his head.

It's what I do, it's who I am, he had said that night.

But you can't race for forever, the girl with the pigtails had replied.

Gray would likely have forgotten his entire interaction with those three girls in any other timeline, but given that his racing career did in fact end the following day, their words served as a bad omen. And then he saw them again at Jack's race. Had they returned to haunt him? If being a trainer had defined him for the past half-year, what was he now that Jack no longer needed him?

He didn't know. At least for comfort he had the familiar sight, sound, and smell of a full mug of beer being set in front of him. "Duke... another one, please," he called out.

The volume of voices from the main table continued to climb, to the point that Gray considered plugging his ears. The idiot Kai was still at the center of it, with seemingly everyone infatuated by his every word. Even Popuri was in the mix, sitting directly next to Kai and laughing at his every joke.

Gray tried to block the image out of his mind until Popuri ran to his side and beckoned, "Gray, Gray, we're getting out some cards! You have to play!"

"I don't have to do anything, Popuri."

"But that's no fun," she pouted.

"Yeah, but that's how it's going to be. Go have fun for me."

"Umm... well, okay! But speak up if you change your mind!"

Once she left, Gray slid away his empty mug. "Get me another," Gray growled out.

Duke began to object, "Gray, it may be time to call it a night on the-"

"- It's a celebration for me, remember? Just do your job. I'm fine."

Duke reluctantly followed his instructions.

Zack had by this point joined Gray at the counter, given that he was not very close to anyone else in the room. He tried to make conversation with Gray, but Gray was too busy listening to the voices in his own head.

But you can't race for forever.

But you can't be a trainer for forever.

But you can't live for forever.

But you can't matter for forever.

If you don't matter for forever, did you ever really matter at all?

"You came here to celebrate me. Celebrate me," Gray petitioned to Zack as he held up his drink. Zack looked at him blankly and then said something to Duke he couldn't understand.

Now it made sense why Jack was unable to help with Gray's existential questions. He was too humble. This was where joy came from. With fame, one can live forever.

But Gray wasn't famous. No one cared about him. No one even cared about Jack anymore. They just cared about listening to Kai.

Duke finally resolutely cut him off from more refills, but Gray had another plan. Everyone had huddled around one of the aligned tables for their card game. A bottle of Heaven's Gate sat alone at the other end. Gray discretely poured what remained into his used mug. He listened to the ongoing conversation as he did.

Kai was still talking. "Did I ever tell the story of the time a fishing boat I was on sank?"

"Oh, I don't know it! Please, please tell!" Popuri encourage as she tugged on Kai's arm.

Gray returned to his seat but continued to listen.

"It was old and rickety, and I said we shouldn't use it. But even I was surprised when..."

Popuri continued to gaze at Kai with wonder. Had someone told her that Gray might have to leave town? Was she already making preparations for a new boyfriend? Yes, that made sense. After all, Kai was the champion swimmer, the guy who could dance, the guy that could summon seemingly endless piles of money during an auction. Did he buy the music box so he could be the one to gift it to Popuri?

"Two of my brothers weren't very good swimmers, so I took one in each hand and-."

"Would you just shut up already?" Gray finally bellowed. Though his opening was authoritative, his diction slurred the more he spoke. "Everyone came here to celebrate me and Jack, not listen to you... playing up every girl in town. No one cares what you have to say."

The room immediately quieted. After a beat, Kai began to laugh uneasily. He didn't seem to fully understand the danger he was in.

"I'm not trying to play up any girls here, but it's kind of you to say I'm having that sort of effect."

"Ha!" Gray snorted. "So you are proud of the fact that everyone is in love with you. Just..." he had to pause as he hiccuped. "Just as I thought. How disgusting." Pointing at Maria, Popuri, and Ann sequentially, he added, "That one's married, that one is dating, and that one is... kinda dating. Show some respect."

Ann, seeing Kai smile as he readied to respond, shook her head and warned, "Don't encourage him, Kai. He's nuts." Popuri was too drunk at this point to add much, but she tugged on his sleeve and nodded.

Kai ignored them. "Everyone is just having a fun time, unlike you. Nothing scandalous. The only thing scandalous is you targeting me. Trying to pick on the outsider?"

Gray harshly set his mug down and stood. Zack put a strong hand on Gray's shoulder and started, "Buddy, I don't thin-"

"Get your hands off me," Gray retorted as brushed Zack away, nearly toppling in the process. Despite Zack having the size advantage, the furor in Gray's eyes paralyzed him for just long enough for Gray to escape his grasp.

"You keep my girlfriend wrapped around your arm the entire night, and I'm the one who's out of line?" Gray shouted at Kai while standing directly above him.

"If she's around my arm, maybe that says more about your performance as a boyfriend."

Gray's eyes lit aflame. He picked Kai straight out of his chair, which caused the drunk man to finally grasp the gravity of the situation. It was too late for him to react, though, as Gray tackled him onto the table in an impressive show of strength, causing wine glasses and cards to topple and scatter. The nearby guests backed away, some shrieking as they did. Most were too drunk to intervene.

Kai opened his mouth to speak, but to spare everyone from having to listen to him any more, Gray flung his fist against Kai's cheek. Kai's head whipped back, and spittle sprayed from his mouth. Not sure that would do enough to blemish his good looks, though, Gray aimed towards the nose on his second swing. He missed the bridge of the nose and instead hit the inner canthus of Kai's left eye.

If left to Gray's whims, the beating may have continued indefinitely. As he wound up for his third hit, though, Zack pinned Gray's arm from behind, wrapped around the jockey's body, and then took two steps back before tackling him to the ground.

Kai moaned and tried to stand, but he would have crumbled to the ground were it not for Harris and Ann catching him at the last moment. A string of blood ran from Kai's nose to the floor.

Gray saw none of that, however, as he squirmed on the floor to try prying himself loose. He cursed again and again as he cried to be let free, his lucidity dissolving amid the chaos unfolding. As he was tossed to the ground and involuntarily confined, Gray relived being dribbled against the track surface while pinned from his stirrup. Intoxication only enhanced the vision. He had coughed up blood and saliva on the track, but the best substitutes he could provide the bar floor were the contents of his gut.

Most of the feet surrounding Gray jumped away as he vomited, but someone was kind enough to push him onto his side. It was one of the last things he remembered from that night.