Chapter 68.
Soon, three of them were back in the parlour, Cas having stayed in the kitchen to tidy up. Dean kept looking in that direction. It was clear to Sam that he was letting Cas's love of chores upset him again.
Dean shook his head. "An angel of the Lord and he's washing coffee cups! Why does he do that?"
"You know why he does that," said Sam, "It makes him feel like part of the family. I don't know why it gets to you so much. You hate washing dishes, he loves it and doing it makes him feel good, which seems important, doesn't it?"
"I think that may also be why it bothers Dean so much." said Sarah.
"I don't want him to feel good or I don't want him to be part of the family?" said Dean, "Because both are actually pretty important to me."
"I'd say vitally important. I'd say fundamental to your being." said Sarah, "And that's a touchy area and it locks into your earliest and deepest fears."
"You're overestimating my intelligence again. Do me a solid and dumb it down."
"I'm not overestimating anything." she said, "But if i'm being unclear, you crave a home, security, safety, emotional and physical, for those you love. You worry when Castiel is away from home, especially when he might choose his other home, where he is not treated well."
"Heaven is only his home because those feathery bastards programmed him." said Dean.
"Yes, that's true. So it makes sense that, when he acts like a diligent member of the family and seems content to do so, you feel good about it. You see it as a good thing."
"Which contradicts what you said before." said Dean.
"No it doesn't. I told you, earliest and deepest fears. You had the perfect home once before. You felt loved and safe. Then it was all gone in a night. Everything good, everything that makes you truly happy, sparks off a whisper from your earliest certainties, that it's going to be so hard to lose that feeling and you will."
"So I hate it because I love it?" said Dean.
"Partly. It sounds strange, I know."
"It sounds crazy." said Dean.
"It sounds very like you." said Sam, "Sarah's good."
"You are suspicious of happiness at the best of times." said Sarah, "You see it as an indulgence a soldier can't afford. You heap guilt onto your back because people have died and here you are, feeling good, as if they would want you to spend the rest of your life in misery."
"I am a pleasure-seeking missile." said Dean.
Sam smiled. "You're a distraction-seeking missile. She's right. Being happy makes you cranky, because there's always that level of guilt."
"Do him now." said Dean.
Sarah smiled. "Dean, my dear, you asked me to explain."
"Yeah, okay. Listening."
"There's another factor. You love Castiel's need for domesticity as much as you love when Sam calls the bunker home, but it also feels wrong that he needs to do the household chores, like he owes you and Sam something, when you already see his friendship as a debt you can't repay."
"She's good." said Sam again.
Cas came into the room. Sam was unsure what, if anything. he had heard. "I've been thinking." he said.
"Since about the dawn of time." said Dean, "And so far, it never seems to be a good thing."
"Dean!" said Sam.
Dean said, "I'm sorry, Cas. What were you thinking?"
"Sarah needs help here. Jules used to dream of living on a farm. She doesn't know much about livestock, but she learns fast and she loves animals in general."
"Hold it," said Dean, "You want to move Jules in here?"
"It's perfect, isn't it?" said Cas, "She'd love it here."
"So she comes here, to live and you stay at the bunker?" said Dean.
"Yes."
"You'll break her heart." said Dean.
"No. I'll be making her dream come true. Isn't that what love means?"
Sam instantly hated the idea. "Cas," he said, "You want her to move from just down the corridor to a thirty minute drive away."
"Forty, the way he drives." said Dean.
"What part of that doesn't feel like goodbye to you?" said Sam.
"Where are you getting goodbye from?" said Cas, "I come here all the time."
Sarah spoke. "Sit down, Castiel. We need to think about this."
"She'd help you. She loves to help." said Cas.
"Believe me, dear, I would love to have Jules here. She is a delight, but the boys are right. This will seem to her as if you don't want her around anymore. I'd like to be sure that your fears about the relationship are not a factor."
"The relationship did not factor into anything." said Cas, "I thought only of your need for help and her desire to live in a place just like this. I was thinking of her happiness and yours."
"At the expense of yours?"
"She'd still be close and she is going to leave the bunker. At least this way, she stays nearby and she will be safe. This place is warded, hidden, filled with protective sigils. When Michael comes, the bunker will not necessarily remain safe."
Sarah spoke slowly and clearly. "Castiel, please focus. Do you remember when we spent what seemed like most of a summer talking about how your actions can have motivations that you know nothing about?"
"You know I never forget anything we talk about." said Cas, "But I don't see the relevance. Surely, my motives here are simple and transparent."
"It seems to me like you want to ditch Jules." said Dean, "More importantly, that's how it's gonna seem to Jules."
"I don't want that." said Cas, "I want her to be happy. It's true that I will miss her, but is that a reason to deny her what she has wanted for a long time?"
"She wants you." said Sam, "Are you sure this isn't just a way to distance yourself from her and avoid the stresses of trying to make a relationship?"
"I don't think it is." said Cas.
"But you don't know?" said Dean. His voice was gentle. Sam could hear the protective big brother in the tone.
"No." Cas admitted.
"Okay," said Dean, "So before you go calling Jules and telling her you want her out of the bunker, stop and think about this and if this is a way of ending the relationship, find another way. Because, take it from me, ending a relationship the wrong way will haunt you forever. And your forever is a lot longer than mine."
"And if you decide you do want to suggest it to her," said Sarah, "Invite her here and talk to her with us around. Dean and Sam are right, she will hear this as a goodbye and you may need us to help her understand that it's not."
"I thought you'd all love the idea." said Cas.
"Maybe we need to take a walk." said Dean, "Come on."
They left. Sam looked at Sarah. "Are we interfering?"
"A little." she said, "But I don't want that lovely girl hurt. He doesn't think he can have love and happiness, so he's sabotaging the relationship."
"I noticed something." said Sam.
"What?" she said.
"Neither of them has asked for their talisman back."
"No." she said.
"And you haven't given them back."
"It may be that they've forgotten or it may be that they have made a decision not to use the talismans. If they need them, they know where they are. They only have to ask."
