AN: Well, here we are again. Long time no see I guess you guys. This one took longer than I thought it would, mostly because I thought I would be able to get through more scenes here than I seemed to be able to. At least with the world the way it is right now I've got lots of free time now…
Anyways, I'll stop talking and let you guys enjoy. Let me know what you think!
Arthur felt his – 'no, Merlin's' – sword like a lead weight dragging him down as they rode out the next morning. He had stayed in that clearing starring at it long after Gwaine left him, unable to deny the truth. He was not worthy of it.
If he was any less exhausted, he might have been angry with the man. His jaw was still sore following their "chat", and the others had not failed to notice the bruising. Hoping to avoid any questions, he told them it was from a bad fall that morning. Elyan looked at him as if he had grown a second head when he did, but he mercifully kept his silence.
The journey was long and silent, without any break from his rioting thoughts. By the time they reached the crest of the last hill he had still not been able to sort through his mixed feelings. The gleaming white walls of Camelot painted a sun-kissed red in the fading light. Facing the harsh walls and imposing towers of the citadel made him wonder. 'What does this city really mean? What did it mean to you Merlin?'
He didn't know the answer, and it was painful to admit that to himself.
'…I just didn't fit in anymore…I wanted to find somewhere that I did…Had any luck?...I'm not sure yet…'
If Merlin had ever been sure, he wasn't likely to find out now.
Percival watched Arthur closely the whole day. There seemed to be many things bothering him. Merlin's disappearance was only the tip of the barbed arrowhead. Like the real thing, it was going to cause more damage to pull the blasted thing out than it had going in.
Somewhere along their way, he realised he was able to come up with an explanation for what was happening. But at the same time, it was an impossible idea. Though this was Camelot, and they lived everyday with "impossible". And he couldn't come up with any other explanation. He could be wrong, so for the time being he would keep it to himself. If he was wrong, he didn't want anybody to learn of his suspicions.
When Camelot finally came into view, the sun was beginning to set, making the city even more striking than usual. Arthur surprised him when his only reaction was to look more haunted. Usually the king let go of the residual tension he always held while questing once the city came back into view. This time, he did the opposite.
They rode through the gates of the outer wall, the guards hailing them as they went. One of them took off for the citadel to inform the Queen of their return. The others watched them pass with confusion in their eyes. He realized they knew there was someone missing when he saw them scan the group in surprise. Pushing on into the lower town they found the extraordinary transcendence of gossip spreading before them. More than a few searching eyes roved over their group as they passed. It seemed there would be no secrets today.
Gwen sat at the head of the dinning table in the room she shared with Arthur, gazing blankly out the window. The clouds looked a blushing rose-gold in the fading light. Sefa, her new maid, puttered around the room cleaning and arranging things. While shy, the girl had been a godsend. She had never been around royalty before, so she wasn't very well-versed in how a "proper" servant should act. She wasn't an emotionless bootlicker, so she had been able to engage her in real conversations.
"Are you not hungry tonight my Lady?" asked Sefa sometime latter, brining her out of her brooding thoughts.
She jumped, looking down at the untouched plate of food in front of her. She had completely forgotten it existed. "I guess not," she muttered, twisting her fingers in her lap.
"Is there something the matter?" asked Sefa.
"No, I'm fine. But thank you for asking."
Sefa shuffled up next to her, looking uncertain. "Are you worried for the King my Lady?" she asked.
She looked up from her lap.
"I heard the other servants talking about how restless the council is with his absence…" said Sefa.
'God bless this sweet girl,' she couldn't help but think.
Sefa was a kind, compassionate person. She thought they could grow to be something like friends. But the girl's kindness was also a knife to her heart sometimes. It reminded her of the real reason for her worry too sharply.
"I'm always worried about him," she muttered after a moment.
"I'm sure the King will return soon," soothed Sefa as she moved to clear the table.
She forestalled the girl with a hand before asking, "Will you sit with me?"
"My Lady?"
"Here," she said as she passed over the plateful of food. "There's no sense in it going to waste because I've lost my appetite."
Sefa gazed at her for a long moment before tentatively starting to eat.
Before anything else could happen, a loud knock sounded on the chamber door. Sefa moved to answer it, but she stopped her with another gentle hand. "It's fine, I've got it. You sit there and eat." Sefa gave her another shy smile of gratitude.
When she opened the door, it was to find a guard on the other side, who dropped into a deep bow upon seeing her. "My Lady, I was sent from the city's main gate. His Majesty the King and his Knights have returned from the hunt."
A powerful fluttering rose in her chest while she clutched the handle for support. Her knuckles turned white from the force of her grip. Hidden as they were behind the door, the guard did not notice.
'Arthur's come back, maybe – ' She didn't want to finish the thought until she knew for sure. Her hand left the door handle and strayed to her pocket where she kept Merlin's letter to Gaius.
"Thank you," she said while trying to cover her rush of emotions.
The guard tipped an imaginary hat to her with a faint "My Lady," before walking off down the hall. She called back to Sefa that she could have the rest of the evening off when she finished eating, then dashed off down the hall.
Now that she was Queen, she couldn't take off running down the corridors like the devil himself was hot on her heels. She would only cause a panic that way. That said, she hurried as fast as she dared to the courtyard, hoping to catch Arthur when he arrived. Hoping that her lost friend had been found.
She reached the top of the stairs descending into the square as the "hunting" party rode in through the gate. A quick scan of their numbers told her all she needed to know; they had not found Merlin.
While she had expected it, she found herself unprepared for the crushing sense of despair that assaulted her. They hadn't found him. Her friend was still hiding somewhere out there, believing they all hated him for who he was. He believed they hated magic, and if Gaius had made one thing clear to her in the past week, it was that Merlin was magic. She fought against the stinging in her eyes while making her way quickly to Arthur's side.
Gwaine couldn't help but notice the many funny looks their party was getting. He handed off the reigns of his horse to the closest confused stable boy before glancing around. Hushed muttering rippled out from them in waves. It seemed that everyone had noticed the distinct lack of a certain someone. The absence more apparent because of the despondent air of the king.
'The rumour mills will have plenty of fodder for the coming weeks,' he thought. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. It could well turn out to be a bad thing in the long run.
Gwen appeared at the top of the stairs when they rode in. Her face looked hopeful as she scanned them, but fell upon registering their numbers. She made her way to Arthur, gripping him in an embrace too tight even for a wife relieved at her husbands safe return.
He couldn't make out the words of the quiet argument that erupted between the two royals when they broke apart, but he already knew without asking what was going on.
"We need to tell them something," insisted Gwen as she pulled back form Arthur's embrace.
He started shaking his head to deny her even as she moved to build her argument. "Look around you Arthur," she said forcefully. "Everyone in this courtyard right now knowns someone is missing. Now that you are back, we can no longer keep this a secret between us."
"It's not our secret to tell Guinevere," said Arthur in a deadened voice.
She bit her lip at his tone. It was like he was begging her. Asking her to not force him to do this, to not betray what little of his friends trust might still remain.
"We don't have to tell everyone," she said. "But the others deserve to know. If we don't tell them, they'll start asking awkward questions. And it'll look suspicious to the rest if the knights closest to him don't know anything about where he has gone."
It was some minutes before he conceded her point. If they wanted to curb the rumours that were no doubt already starting, they needed to tell the knights.
Arthur clung to Gwen when she appeared at his side, loosing himself in her familiar scent and comforting presence. She hugged him just as fiercely back. In that moment, he wanted to collapse from the strain of it all. She was the only thing managing to hold him up.
Then she pulled away and said the very thing he dreaded; he needed to explain to the knights what had happened. Without even thinking he started to shake his head. He couldn't tell the knights, and not because he was ashamed of his own actions. No, it was about more than that. If he told the knights, he would be revealing what had to be Merlin's deepest secret. He would have to betray Merlin's trust, if he even had any left to betray.
Gwen pointed out that it would look suspicious if nobody else with him knew what had become of Merlin. His closest knights were his friends. It would appear strange if they seemed to know nothing.
He couldn't send out search parties, they would do no good. Merlin was hidden away somewhere, he was sure. To send knights out to hunt him down would only push him further away.
People who knew them would wonder where Merlin had gone, and question why the knights seemed to know nothing. Rumours would spread, and as much as he didn't want to betray Merlin's trust, even less did he want to tarnish his memory. He walked in a daze as Gwen led him towards his chambers, sending a servant to collect Gaius and the knights.
