Note: Sorry, everyone. After a period of long, hard reflection, we've decided that we are no longer comfortable with the narrative that we have been telling, and so we are completely bringing this plotline to an end. It is simply no longer something that we have any true desire to continue. However, because it would be such a waste to let this story go completely, we have decided to continue the story down a different path that we feel will be a dramatic improvement in every possible regard. We are sorry to those who wanted to see the God's Arm ending, but we think this will satisfy our audience (and our conscience) far more thoroughly. We deeply apologize for our terribleness, and we hope you follow us on this bold new creative direction. Thank you and enjoy.
Weiss… Weiss was gone. Cracked and consumed like the others. A blinding flash of light absorbed Ruby, and all of her fears and worries suddenly vanished as she disappeared with the rest of the void. The death of the Reveler overpowered her. As her consciousness faded out into nothingness, her life flashed in front of her eyes. Memories of her mother. Memories of her father. Of her sister. Of her friends. Memories of that one time Team RWBY had a super sexy, naked beach adventure.
Wait, what—?
Several Months Before All This God's Arm Nonsense
"Man, this was a totally great idea, Blake," Yang sighed comfortably, stretching back onto her towel. She gave a small adjustment to her golden bikini and gently pushed her sunglasses into place with her pinky. She stretched out her bare legs onto her towel, a gorgeous, turquoise and dolphin-colored fabric that she got at a sweet deal at the local surf shop. Beacon did not have many beaches, but one would think that the limited number they had would likely be filled to the brim on such a hot, summer day. But much to Yang's surprise, no one was there save for her team—at least that was what she believed.
Blake did not know why she bothered to go along with them. She was pale and moody and swimming was never her thing. Nor was the sun, for that matter. While Yang casually stretched out in the hot sun, Blake sat cross-legged on a black towel next to her, her bare toes wriggling against her thighs, peacefully reading a romance novel and trying to ignore the pestering of her semi-kind-of-not-actually girlfriend. She was concealed under the shadow of a gigantic umbrella, and instead of a bathing suit, she had successfully negotiated to wear only a crop top with spaghetti straps that hung loosely on her shoulders and a pair of Yang's booty shorts that really should not have fit as well as they did. And the bow, naturally. Always the bow.
"What are you talking about?" Blake groaned. "Going to the beach was your idea."
"I know!" Yang said smugly. "And it was a great idea. Man, I'm smart."
"And so humble," Blake added.
"Yep," Yang hummed. "Humble and hot and—"
"Totally not schizophrenic," Yin interjected.
"Yeah! Totally not schizophrenic!" Yang said confidently.
While Yang and Blake lounged in the sand, Ruby and Weiss were having a very different experience in the water. Weiss had never been to a beach before; her only experience swimming was in the massive indoor pool inside of her mansion, and even that was less for leisure and more for the benefits of resistance training. But Weiss was not prepared in the slightest to go to a beach during her Huntress training. She hadn't even brought a swimsuit! Yang had to take her on a crazy, fun shopping montage, and the suits that she requested Weiss try on were far too risqué for the heiress's tastes. Maybe Yang and her enormous floppy chest could pull off some of those looks, but Weiss didn't have the side-boob confidence to make it work in the slightest.
Whatever modest swimsuit Weiss wore was only secondary in concern to Ruby's definition of "playing in the water". What the young Huntress really meant was splashing. Lots of splashing. And dunking. Weiss went out of her way to tie her hair up nicely so it wouldn't get wet, but Ruby was making a crude mess of things. White hair did not retain its volume when wet, and that was no source of limited frustration for the Schnee girl. Ruby found no problem with it, hopping up and down in the water in her one-piece suit, laughing at Weiss's expense.
"Come on, Weiss!" Ruby rolled her eyes. "You have to loosen up! Beaches are supposed to be fun!"
"Ruby, do I look like I'm having fun?" Weiss said bitterly. "Atlas is a Kingdom of ice and snow. I'm not used to any of this."
"That's why you need to embrace it," Ruby explained. "You've loved every part of Valian culture you've seen when you actually open up to it. Like, remember how against the idea of hot dogs you were until you tried one?"
"That's different," Weiss said sternly, crossing her arms. "First of all: hot dogs are fucking delicious. I mean, I have no idea what they're made of, and they're probably going to give me stomach cancer, but the beautiful combination of a flame-grilled dog served with brown mustard and sauerkraut is an objectively perfect food. It is perfectly balanced between all five taste sensations on the Human tongue—the sweetness of the bun, the umami and saltiness of the dog itself, the sourness of the kraut and the tang and spice of mustard, blending in orgasmic harmony—and anyone who disagrees with that is a filthy goddamn liar." Weiss paused, her mind suddenly consumed by the thought of shoving a giant, foot-long wiener deep inside of her mouth. "Okay, you are totally buying hot dogs for me after this payment."
Ruby nodded. "I am all right with this."
"But my point is that these things are just fundamentally not the same. I'm trying the beach right now. I hate it. I hate this water. I hate that I had to put on seven layers of sunblock just to come out here, and I'm probably still going to get burned. I hate everything about this."
"Because you aren't trying," Ruby insisted. "Like, have you tried dunking your head under the water? Even once?"
"I'd really rather not."
"Come on. It's easy! Like this." Ruby took a deep breath and pinched her nose before sinking to the floor like a stone, her head dipping beneath the gentle blue waves. Weiss rubbed her temples. She couldn't believe that child was actually a scythe-wielding reaper of death. A scythe-wielding reaper of death that she actually bothered listening to every day. It was really quite the miracle that she hadn't stabbed her own eyes out yet.
What Weiss was unaware of, however, was the existence of another figure in the water. A figure that had been silently and stealthily approaching her for the past several minutes. Some people would have thought it was insane to be keeping track of Team RWBY's schedule for several weeks, carefully observing each and every one of their waking moments, writing them all down in mad scribbles on their dormitory wall, planning their ultimate attack. Some people would have thought that. But those people were idiots. Idiots! Those people did not understand the desperate need for revenge that drove a person to extreme and cruel lengths, which made people mad with power. Mad enough to stalk Team RWBY on their mild beach vacation in order to publicly embarrass them. And when Ruby rose out of the water, blowing a stream of water out of her mouth and rubbing her eyes clear, she suddenly noticed the other girl slowly rising out of the water behind Weiss, dressed in blue and with a devious grin on her face. Ruby didn't have time to warn Weiss before the girl announced her presence.
"Gotcha, bitch!"
With one devilishly quick swipe, Aqua—the most desperate and vicious members of Team ATMC—snatched Weiss's top by the straps, ripping her bikini straight off. Time seemed to freeze still as Weiss looked down, eyes wide as saucers, arms hitched up in the air as her bikini soared through the air behind her and spun around Aqua's finger. No longer protected, her breasts bounced free into the ocean breeze, nipples stiffening instantly from the chill of the sea, and Ruby gazed up at them, first in shock, and then, well… for other reasons. Other reasons she wanted to keep to herself, if only she was able to hide the sudden, obvious blood streaming down her nose. By the time Weiss snapped to attention and screamed, throwing her arms hurriedly over her chest, the image of her boobs was already imprinted into her teammate's mind.
"What the fuck!" Weiss shouted, rising up on one leg and kicking out at the cackling Huntress-in-training behind her.
"Ha ha ha!" Aqua said with glee. "Look at you now, you naked whore! How do you like that?"
"Gods, what is wrong with you?" Weiss screeched. "Give me back my top!"
"Never!" Aqua declared. "You'll have to claw it out of my dead hands, you pretentious wench! Team ATMC for life!"
Weiss growled, instinctively reaching toward her bikini, but having to stop herself once she realized she was exposing herself. That crazy bitch—what was wrong with her? Stealing shit from her. Ruining her vacation. All because she had a stupid grudge. Weiss would show her not to mess with the most talented Huntress in all of Beacon. Carefully maneuvering one arm to cover both of her tits, she began to chase Aqua around, snatching at the top that was held just out of reach. Aqua laughed, taking high, skipping steps out of the water to keep away from the heiress.
"Get back here, Aqua!"
"You'll never catch me, whore! You can kiss my big beautiful ass!"
Ruby, coming slightly to her senses, pushed herself to her feet, cheering on her friend. "Go! Get her, Weiss! Prove why you're my breast friend—I mean, best friend!"
Their other team members watched the crazy scandal from the beach, although neither Yang nor Blake really understood what was happening. They saw Aqua there, but her insane ramblings were out of earshot. Yang shrugged and leaned back, focusing her efforts instead on getting a tan. She had lost a lot of flair ever since she started training at Beacon. Classes every day did not do any wonders for her skin, after all. Blake, rather than joining Yang in her endeavors, turned to her purse and began rummaging through the bag. All of Yang's comments were giving her a headache.
"Hey, Blake, do you smell something funny?" Yang asked curiously.
"Nope, not at all."
"Are you sure? I swear I can smell—" Yang lifted her sunglasses and peered over to her friend, and her mouth instantly dropped open. Somehow, in the span of ten seconds, Blake had retrieved and created something from her bag, and was currently smoking the fattest joint Yang had ever seen in her life. Yang propped herself on her elbows, gasping in horror. "Blake, is that… is that weed?"
Blake shrugged. "Uh… yeah? So what?"
"You smoke weed?" Yang said with disgust.
"You don't?" Blake said with surprise. "I mean, with all the crazy shit you've done in your life, you've never smoked, like, ever?"
"I would never do something so immoral!" Yang decreed. "Partaking in drugs is awful, Blake. While marijuana is commonly viewed as recreational and ultimately harmless, it can still cause a wide variety of cognitive problems, such as damaging short and long-term memory, and a decline in general knowledge in learning and verbal abilities. The reefer will make you mad, bro."
"Are you kidding?" Blake snickered. "First off, you aint the fuzz. You aint street. You don't know what the hell I'm going through, homie. Don't tell me what I can or can't do like you some government stooge. Second, I've been on the herb since '07, bi-atch, so quit steppin' on me."
"See, look what the grass is doing to you, Blake," Yang shouted. "Look at how you're talking. The pot is messing with your mind. What happened to the sweet, innocent, loveable Blake that I always loved?"
"Sweet and… what the holy fuck are you talking about, girlfriend?" Blake sneered. "I've been a killer bitch since the day I woke up. Crawled outta my mama's womb and she didn't even have to push, and then when the docta slapped me on the ass, I slapped that sucka right back. Playa's gotta play, you feel me?"
"I literally have no idea what you are saying."
"Damn, boi, then you betta keep up," Blake said, taking another long puff of her chronic. "Aint nobody one got time for your lame-ass to keep killing my buzz."
Yang groaned. "Blake, these things you're are saying are undoubtedly racist."
"Racist? Shee-it, what'chu talkin' bout?" Blake asked, hand-waving her concerns. "Why y'all gotta bring labels up like that?"
"Blake, this language is clearly loaded."
"Loaded?" Blake scoffed. "Only thing loaded is my .22, sucka."
"You need to stop this."
Blake laughed. "Damn, negro, you crazy."
"That's it!" Yang shouted. "Give me that!"
She reached toward the joint in Blake's mouth, and Blake turned away as Yang climbed over her, struggling to get the evil drugs out of Blake's grasp. Blake yelped, swatting wildly to keep the buxom blonde off her pot. Yang forced herself on top of Blake, slapping at the girl's face, trying to knock the joint away directly onto the sand, but every swipe barely missed as Blake turned her head just to the side to avoid the blows.
"Get off of me, ya nark!"
"Never! Say no, Blake!" Yang cried. "Sing the song of youthful wonder, dammit!"
"That makes no sense!"
What else made no sense? That Ruby wasn't helping Weiss get her top back, that's what! The young girl was just standing her, trying not to stare at her bouncing boobs, or her spectacular ass, or any other part of her perfect, flawless skin. Weiss was in for the struggle for her life, and Ruby wasn't helping her in the slightest. It was probably the worst, most painful thing Weiss would ever have to endure in her life. Literally. The most painful. Nothing would ever come close to being as bad as losing her bikini top. She couldn't foresee something like that. Nope. Nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
The other thing Weiss couldn't see was Aqua manipulating the saltwater just below her waist with her Semblance. Aquatic manipulation had its benefits, and Aqua grinned evilly as thin tendrils of water snaked up through the air and hooked around the straps of Weiss's bottoms. Ruby let out a scream of shock and arousal, and Weiss glanced down a moment too late before the strands of water took form and yanked her bikini straight down, exposing her even further. Weiss's other arm shot down to cover herself, but it was already too late to stop Ruby from seeing things she very much shouldn't have, and another bloody stream erupted from the young girl's nose as she nearly fainted.
"Ahhhh! Why are you doing this?" Weiss said, bursting into tears.
"Why? Why? I'll tell you why!" Aqua screamed, pointing her finger to the sky. "I'm doing this to humiliate you, that's why! To prove how pathetic and weak you are compared to my awesome greatness! You're pretentious getup and aggressive demeanor makes me sick, so what better way to destroy you than to show all of these beach dwellers your flat chest and even flatter ass!" Aqua cackled maniacally, raising her fists to the sky in triumph, each clasped around a segment of Weiss's silver bikini. The heiress had been stripped nude, and now all that was left to do was revel, revel in her defeat and the laughter that followed. She was a reveler, so to speak.
Weiss simply grunted and pushed forward. "What are you talking about? The beach is empty, you stupid bitch!"
Aqua's laughter suddenly ceased, and she turned to look toward the beach. Huh. How about that? The sands were abandoned. There was literally not a Soul in sight to see Weiss's tiny tatas, or her vulgar vagina, or her anemic ass. Aqua had gone through so much effort. The stalking. The scheming. The swimming through the ocean in her regular school uniform because she forgot to grab her swimsuit before she left in the morning. All of it: ruined! How could she be such a fool? How, she asked? How?
Weiss was going to say something insulting to her. Probably about her stupid face. However, before she could open her mouth, she suddenly felt a giant mass latch onto her back.
"Don't worry, Weiss! I'll protect you!"
Ruby wrapped her arms around Weiss, and suddenly and forcibly grabbed onto her boobs, mushing them beneath her fingers. Weiss shouted, aghast.
"Ruby! What the shit!"
"I'll cover you from those evil onlookers!" Ruby cried heroically, squishing her teammate's tits beneath her palms. Her weight nearly toppled Weiss over, but her robotic legs were strong enough to keep her standing, even as she tried and failed to frantically shake the naughty Huntress off her backside.
"Get off me, you hentai-fiend!" Weiss screamed, but Ruby desperately held on, beaming proudly at her heroic work.
"Don't worry. Those evil gazes won't breast you—I mean, best you. We'll titally—I mean, totally get this sorted out. Nipple this in your butt—nip this in the bud—I mean, boob you up—I mean, cover your boobies—I mean—"
"Okay, stop!" Ruby shouted, jumping off of her bunk bed. "Stop, stop, stop! This is getting ridiculous!"
Yang casually peered up from her laptop, prying her eyes away from the text-ridden document with confusion. "Huh? Don't you like it?"
"Like it? It's awful," Ruby stated. "Like, why am I a giant pervert all of a sudden? Why would I ever treat Weiss like that?"
"Oh, come on. It's a comedy," Yang stated, looking to her other teammates lying on their beds for support. "You two like it, don't you?"
Blake awkwardly scratched the back of her head. "Um…"
Yang groaned. "Really, Blake? Weiss, what about you? Don't you like it?"
Weiss shook her head. "Like it? I have no idea what's happening. Weren't we in the middle of my big story arc? Why are we suddenly on the beach? What happened when I murdered that evil God thing? Am I okay? You can't just throw a random comedy chapter in the middle of your story at such a dramatic interval."
"It's Chapter 69!" Yang said like it was obvious. "It has to be fun and sexy. Otherwise, what's even the point?"
"The point is that you write a good story with a coherent plot and decent thematic structure," Weiss said bluntly. "Despite writing, what, three-hundred-thousand words of this nonsense? You can't even do that properly. I mean, you said you were just going to be covering our first semester in this little story of yours, but we're fighting Gods and Grimm and going on adventures all the time, and it's taking forever. We've barely even spent any actual time training to be Huntresses."
"Because that's boring," Yang argued. "You want to see us in lectures all day, taking part in big exposition dumps. No one wants that."
"Don't act like those are the only two options," Weiss said, crossing her arms. "And not to mention how bizarre your characterization has been. Like, do I have to be so mean and bigoted to everyone? Really?"
"Yeah, I second that," Blake said uncomfortably. "I mean, I think it's cool you're trying to write and all, but why did you have to make me so…" Blake struggled to find the word for it. "Terrible in every way."
"You're not terrible. You're complex," Yang reasoned.
"I'm super sassy and abusive. I sound like I insult people for fun," Blake said sadly. She shrunk shamefully on the bed. "You don't… you don't really think I'm that mean, do you, Yang?"
"What? No," Yang said, shaking her head. "It's called artistic license. That's what reinterpretations are all about: having fun with new ideas."
"Okay, I get that, but," Blake shuddered, "did we really need the gratuitous sex scene between the two of us?"
"Wha—absolutely!" Yang exclaimed. "It's a vital part of the narrative! Our twisted Souls merging with our sexy bodies, passionately giving into each other's urges while enabling our worst selves. It's tragic and poetic and hot all at once!"
"I think it came off as pretty forced, if you ask me," Weiss stated. "Same thing with Beacon staff being completely irresponsible and incompetent: forced. It totally takes me out of the story."
"And that's not even covering how depressing it is," Ruby said somberly. "You make all of the chapters way too miserable and cruel. Like, those words carved into my spine? Weiss's injuries? Blake getting almost stabbed to death? It's just so over-the-top violent and desperately edgy."
"Don't forget the rampant swearing," Blake noted. "Your version of me has way too foul of a mouth. I would never say a quarter of the things she does. She drops f-bombs like they're sprinkles over ice cream."
Yang slammed the cover of her laptop down and threw it onto her bed in frustration, rising to her feet. "You know what? You guys are being super unsupportive of me. You're trying to damper my creative vision. This story is good. I know it is."
Ruby tapped her finger against her chin. "I know. Maybe it would be better with more meta-commentary? A little more self-awareness."
Weiss scoffed. "Oh, please, Ruby. If there's one thing an audience hates, it's meta-commentary. What a completely overdone medium. Anyone who uses it is just someone pathetically unoriginal who thinks they are really clever because they are saying what everyone else already is thinking."
"Yeah, but you know what's even worse than that?" Blake added. "Meta commentary about metal commentary. Talk about being up your own butt. Only the sorriest of hacks would write something like that."
"Well, at least that's not as bad as meta-commentary about meta-commentary about meta-commentary," Weiss claimed. "That's just… well… you know…"
Yang huffed and stormed toward the door to their room. "Screw this. I'm going to hang out with Team JNPR. They appreciate my talents." The dragon left the room in a fury, slamming the door behind her. The other three members of the team sat uncomfortably on the beds, reflecting on the overly long, rotted mass of literature they had been forced to endure over the past ninety hours. After a minute of waiting in silence, however, Blake cleared her throat and spoke up.
"So, uh… does anyone want to hear my Team RWBY fanfiction?"
Happy April Fools' Day.
Real Chapter Coming Soon.
