Chapter 69.

Dean took Cas over near the barn and then stopped walking and said to him, "This is what was behind all the locked doors? You're bailing on Jules?"

"No." said Cas, "That's the last thing I want to do."

"Are you sure? Because I may not understand everything about angels, but there's nothing you can teach me about screwing up relationships out of fear."

"I think I'm sure." said Cas. In Dean's mind, he heard, "How can I know?"

"If you don't know, you need to find out. You need to think about this, long and hard, because you and Jules have something great, or you could, if you weren't constantly trying to destroy it."

"Maybe we should discuss this with the talismans on." said Cas.

"No." said Dean firmly, "It's hard enough getting a straight answer from you. I need the subtitles." He wondered what the subtitles to that were in Cas's mind. "I don't mean that." he said, "I mean that you're confused and maybe there's a part of your mind that isn't and I'm afraid you're gonna throw this relationship away because it's easier than taking a chance."

"Don't worry." said Cas, "Subtitles working fine on this end."

Dean smiled. "Good. So can we talk about Jules with shields down?"

"I'm not bailing on Jules. Our relationship was not a part of my considerations."

"Why not?" said Dean, "For most people, it would be the first, possibly only consideration."

"I am not most people." said Cas and head Cas added, "I don't know how to be people."

"You're a lot more people than I am." said Dean.

There was a silence, mentally and physically. Eventually, Cas said, "I don't understand that."

"No, neither do I." said Dean, "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this."

Cas answered him in thought, "You care. That matters."

"Yeah, I care." said Dean, "See, when you tell the woman who has beem so patient and so loving that you want her 30 minutes further away, she's gonna hear that you want her further away."

"What I want is not relevant." said Cas, "I want her never to leave my side. I want to spend every night holding her in my arms. I want a lot of things, but I have a chance to give her something she truly wants. Why would I deny her that, just because not being with her hurts me?"

"Wow." said Dean.

"I didn't say anything about love." said Cas, obviously replying to whatever thought of Dean's he had picked up.

"You didn't have to, Cas."

"She plans to leave the bunker. Does that mean she wants to be away from me?"

"Maybe she hopes you'll go with her." said Dean.

Cas grabbed his head as if in pain.

"Cas?" said Dean.

"Sorry." said Cas, "You shouted."

"No, I didn't. Oh, you mean mental me? What did I shout?"

"I'd rather not say." said Cas, "It was very personal."

"And came from my head." said Dean.

"You shouted, 'Don't leave!'" said Cas.

"Oh." said Dean, "Well, ignore that. You do what you need to do. Ignore needy mental me. He's a jerk."

"At least I know you don't want me further away." said Cas.

"No, I don't, but I want you happy."

"I can never be that." said Cas in his head.

"And that's the real reason why you want to send her away." said Dean, "You don't think you're allowed to be happy. You think this has to end badly."

"Sam says all ends to love are bad." said Cas. Dean heard the Cas in his head say, "I am nothing."

"You tell that headmonkey of yours that I will punch him in the face." said Dean.

"Don't call me a headmonkey." said Cas aloud.

Dean thought about all the pressures on Cas at the bunker and how his own teasing about Jules might be a factor. He never intended to hurt Cas with it, but intentions were irrelevant. Maybe he had.

"Look," he said, "If anything needs to change at the bunker, anything at all, you only have to say. If my big mouth makes you feel like you can't be with Jules there ... "

"You and Sam made me believe I could be with Jules." said Cas.

"But you still don't really think that." said Dean.

"I know how little I deserve her, or anyone. I've done some terrible things."

"We all have. Are you saying Sam and I don't deserve love either? The only good people in all this are Jules, Jack and Sarah and maybe we don't deserve any of them, but I'm damned if I'm gonna give them up without a fight."

"Jules could be safe here and Sarah could have chickens again." said Cas.

"And you'll miss Jules."

"Yes." said Cas.

"And she'll miss you."

"Maybe."

"And you're sure you're not just ending the relationship to avoid the risk of getting your heart broken?"

"Do you think what happens to my heart matters to me?" said Cas.

"I think it should." said Dean, "I wish it did."

"I love you too." said Cas.

"I didn't say anything about love." said Dean.

"Your headmonkey was pretty clear on it." said Cas.