The official version was that Chizuru and Haruhi were sent to Wakamatsu Castle as planned. Again, I had lord Katamori to thank for backing up my story. I told him the truth, well, not about Oni and horns obviously, but that she had family in Satsuma and that I sent her there. He understood. Satsuma was our enemy but they were winning. She would be safer on their side and as long as I was keeping faith in our cause and was fighting for Aizu, then my wife's whereabouts were of no concern to the daimyo. He thanked me genuinely for staying despite our situation and my wife's pregnancy but I assured him that his gratitude was unnecessary. My duty was commanding me to stay here. It wasn't an act of kindness.
Our defenses on Bonari Pass were ready just in time. Otori-san wanted to add two more batteries to the three we constructed but unfortunately, the SatCho was showing up as planned at the end of August. We knew that they were outnumbering us. They were two thousand and we were seven hundred, mostly Denshutai and Aizu-han but also a few survivors of Nihonmatsu-han and some warriors from Sendai-han. My personal Shinsengumi force was only of ninety men. Yet, the pass was narrow and we had the higher ground. That would probably be a problem for their cannons and an asset for us. Otori was confident in our chances to hold the Pass but I wasn't sharing his optimism. We had been loosing over and over since we were driven out of Kyoto, unable to stop the spreading of the imperial army who was now dominating all land south of Aizu and that was our last chance to stop them before they dominated all Honshu. Aizu was the most powerful domain of the north, a land true to the Bushido and real loyalists. If the SatCho were to take Aizu, all the north would surrender. I think everyone knew it, that's why Enomoto-sama and the Yugekitai of Iba Hachirô fled Edo with ships and was waiting in Sendai for the army to board towards Ezo. Maybe he expected the SatCho to stop at the sea. I knew it wouldn't. Nothing could hinder that tide and we would all be sweeped away. Us, bushi, swordsmen, belonged in the past now. Battlefield were all about firepower, riffles and cannons. How could our swords be of any help against these ?
I was still true to my position as Taichô and motivating my troops. I wasn't showing them how hollow I was inside. Chizuru's departure and moreover, the way we parted ways, had affected me a lot more than I would have liked to admit. I knew that it was the logical choice and I knew that I ensured her safety by doing so yet, I missed her deeply and I hated myself for not having been able to say meaningful things to her before she went away. I should have told her that I loved her and that she was the only one I ever loved. I should have told her that she was the only one that was making me want to become a better man and that for her, I would even have put down my sword after that war if she had ordered me to. But I didn't say those things to her. Instead, I told her that she shouldn't have married me and I sent her away. What a stupid... bull headed... stubborn... moron ! Was she still angry, with each of her steps leading her south and away from Aizu ? Was she thinking about me ? And if she was, were they pleasant thoughts or resentful ones ?
The first days after she departed were difficult. The ones after were worse. At the beginning, it was as if I was lying to myself and refusing to accept that she was gone. I was often saying « I'm back » like a reflex when I was entering the tent and only the silence was there to greet me. It was as if I could still hear their voices in my head...
« Otousan ! »
« Hajime ! Welcome home ! »
But nothing. Nothing except the frozen silence. There was no more light at night, no more voices inside, no more heat in my bed... Only the emptiness.
The days after, the pain came. When my mind realized that she really was gone and that she wasn't coming back and that I wasn't going to run after her... I became like mad with sorrow. A part of me was completely furious that she wasn't there here with me and that I let her go when the only place where she belonged was at my side. The insomnia came back too, without her to ease my worried mind. I wasn't sleeping anymore no matter how tired I was. Meditation was ineffective and so was exhaustion by practice. I drank way too much sake, hoping to find peace but it didn't work. I even tried her western bottle that she forgot when she went away. She told me that sniffing it would make me sleep instantly. I tried, it worked. But not for long.
I couldn't wait for the imperial army to be here. I needed to fight, I needed it to be over at last. To be exhausted, maybe injured, to think of anything except the emptiness. I couldn't wait for them to be at our doors.
A few days later, in the morning, the encampment was in total confusion. There was a thick fog in the pass that made our warriors unable to see that the imperial army was coming. Even the elements were against us... We rushed to the pass but one batterie had already fallen. On the front line, the battle was fierce but the dense fog was hiding our enemies to most of our firemen. The SatCho took advantage of the narrowness to shoot blindly at our side and we were starting to have a lot of casualties. Restlessly, I was searching for my oponents and killing every man at my range. With my Rasetsu powers, I thrust into their ranks, taking advantage of the fog. In the confusion, I managed to hear that the second battery had fallen. I knew it was nothing more than a matter of time before they secure Bonari Pass and we sound the retreat. They were better equipped, more numerous, with tactics more efficient... Yet, knowing that we were doomed was only adding to my rage and anger. I was fighting like a fury, unstoppable. I knew that I had to be cautious, I didn't have Chizuru anymore to supply me on blood and I would heal with less rapidity than I healed when she helped me. I hoped she was safe, far from all this madness.
With my growing wrath, pain and sorrow, I was striking down with furious anger, as if I was holding each ones of these men responsible for my wife's absence. How happy we could have been if it wasn't for the SatCho... We would be in Furudo village, with our friends and comrades, living peacefully and maintaining peace in the city... but no. They had to come, they had to set Fushimi ablaze and start this war that was eating up all of my friends. I was bloodthirsty for vengeance and wasn't even looking if I was still followed by the Shinsengumi. I think I was alone... I'm not even sure. I was cutting down my way through their ranks, the fog making them unable to shoot me and when they were dropping their weapons to reach for their swords, I was already upon them, unleashing my wrath. Blood was splashing on my uniform, on my hands and my face but none of if was mine. Roaring, I was turning on myself in a dance of madness. My blade was so thick with blood that I needed a lot more strength than usual to continue my rampage and at some point, I even sheathed it back to use my wakizashi instead and I kept killing and killing, trying to find satisfaction in it. Some of the blood splashing on me was sometimes getting near my mouth and I was licking it off, without stopping my carnage. I was probably looking a lot like a demon myself at that point... but I was determined to protect the pass with all I had.
I fought for hours and after all these tremendous efforts, even my Rasetsu self started to tire. I became less cautious, I made mistakes. I wasn't that untouchable anymore and the blood covering my uniform started to mix with mine as the SatCho and their numbers started to get the upper hand on me.
Panting, wounded from everywhere and alone in enemy territory, I hissed when I sensed a violent blow rip apart my abdomen and cut through my guts. I collapsed on my knees, then face on the ground and I looked at the boots walking towards our last defenses until my world became black.
