Sara opened the door to her flat quietly, unsure really how long she had been out, if Brass would be there or not, if he would even be awake. She knew she should have phoned, but the rest of the time with Hank had been in silence, both of them thinking of what they had lost, and what it had driven Sara too do.
Putting her keys down on the counter, Sara put the kettle on, sighing. She should have dealt with it better, the outburst from Lindsey, the reaction from Catherine, everything, but she hadn't. It was just one more thing that she couldn't change. Sensing Brass sat on the sofa, she pulled a second mug down, poured him a tea, and then after handing it too him, sat quietly on the sofa next to him. For a while, neither of them spoke, not knowing what to say. Eventually Brass spoke up
'So, Nick and Greg hey… I really didn't see that coming…'
Sara couldn't help but smile 'Yeah… Um… Greg told me the other day he liked him, wanted my help with it… I had no idea Nick felt the same, last I heard he was after that chick from the Deli…' putting her mug down, she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. 'I saw Hank' she quietly confessed, but didn't elaborate further.
Brass nursed his own cup, deciding to stay quiet. He knew Sara would talk again when she was ready too, if he'd learnt anything, it was not to rush her.
'Hank was there, that night, when I lost the baby… I called him, when I started to bleed…since then, I've avoided him completely, if he's been at a scene, I've left… he came to see me, on the anniversary, wanted to make sure I was alright… I…I think I would have gone to that nightclub anyway, whether he showed up or not, but I do know that before I saw him all I was looking for was to get drunk… I'd already slept with someone the night before, I don't normally sleep with someone else again so soon… it doesn't matter anyway, I can't blame him, and I can't change it, I should stop dwelling on it… I can't help thinking though, if it wasn't for that night, in the hotel…if Rose hadn't died, if Catherine hadn't shown up, would I even know I'm pregnant now? I've barely got any symptoms, the symptoms I did have I put down to the drinking, my bad health… not even the missed periods clued me in, they hadn't been right since… since the explosion…' Sara paused 'I just don't know anymore… I know until this evening that I never really talked to Hank about it… I know I've spoken to You and Cat, the Doctors… but I think I should have spoken to Hank a long time ago.'
Sara got up, picking up the empty tea mugs, walking into the kitchen area.
'I know I overreacted back when we were all having dinner, that I shouldn't have walked off, that I shouldn't be looking for excuses to justify my behaviour, but, I'm actually really glad what happened this evening happened… I just don't know how to explain it to Catherine'
'Did you know, when you left, you'd call Hank?' Brass asked, deciding to remain seated, when he was met with nothing but silence, he knew that Sara's answer was no
'So, why did you leave?'
Again, only silence greeted him
'Sara?' he asked again 'Why did you leave?'
'I didn't… not at first… honestly, at first mother nature got the better of me, I swear my bladder has shrunk! I… I just needed a minute or two, to compose myself, then I went outside, thought I'd wait by the cars, but then I saw Nick and Greg together… and, I don't know… I just started walking away. I already felt bad enough that I had ruined dinner, I didn't want to ruin that too.'
Jim nodded his head knowingly, and then stood up 'But you didn't ruin dinner sweetie, it wasn't your fault at all that Lin…' Sara cut him off 'Yes, it was Jim, I'm supposed to be setting an example to her, I'm going to be a Mother, I forgot she was even there, I was so wrapped up in myself… it scared me, then to hear her say what she did, that she wants to be like me…' Sara spun around, turning her back to Jim, unable to look at him.
Brass took a few tentative steps towards her, placing his hand on her shoulder, glad when she didn't pull away
'I'm going to tell you, what I told Catherine, Lindsey doesn't know what happened to you, she doesn't understand the struggles that you have been through, that you are going through, all she sees is someone who cares for her mother, for herself, someone that will give her a little brother or sister, someone who was a kind heart, and a kinder soul, and someone who has been sad, but is still wonderful. Lindsey doesn't know that you've turned to alcohol, sex, self-harm, any of that, so don't for one minute think that that's what she meant, because it wasn't. She wants to be like you Sara, because you're a great person, and you're someone who sees her as Lindsey Willows, a bright young girl, not Catherine's annoying daughter. Stop beating yourself up because some little girl likes you Sara, and start realising how wonderful you are' Brass left his hand on her shoulder for a moment longer, and then stepped away.
'Call Catherine, at least let her know you're ok, everyone got really worried to see you'd left… then try and get some sleep ok, I'll call work and let them know we're both having the night off, ok?'
Sara nodded, waiting for Jim to step a bit further away, before turning and heading to her bedroom. Pulling out her phone, she opened it and typed out a message
'Hey Guys… sorry 4 taking off, I went for a walk 2 the park… cleared my head, resolved a few issues… see u both soon, Sx' she sent it to both Greg and Nick, quickly adding a P.S to Greg's message
'I'll ring u later, if u like, let's talk about what I saw… hope ur ok Greggo…'
Shedding her clothes, Sara settled herself under the blankets, before pulling out her phone again, and dialling Catherine's number. Hearing the click of the phone being answered, she began to talk before Catherine even had chance
'I'm sorry Cat, I'm really sorry… I didn't mean to worry you' she waited for a reply, but there was none
'I um…' Sara faltered 'I needed to clear my head… I went to the park…' Sara carried on talking, hoping that Catherine was listening to her 'I um… I saw Hank actually… I really needed to talk to him about the miscarriage…he um… he told me it was a boy… his name would have been Henry… please believe me when I say I don't blame you for what happened… but I realised, not just today, but since this first happened I guess… I… I wouldn't change it… any of it… I can't change it, so I should stop trying, stop wishing I could… all I know, is right now, I'm in love with you, deeply, madly, in love with you, and I want this to work, more than anything… I don't want to screw my life up again, I don't want to screw up being a parent again… I just know, that if you were with me, I couldn't… I… you make me feel like a better person Cat… between you and Brass, I actually feel… safe…' Sara fall quiet, wanting, hoping, that Catherine would say something, anything.
'I love you too Sara' Catherine whispered. Sara couldn't help the grin that broke over her face hearing those five little words.
'Dad… Jim, told me what he told you, about Lindsey… I'm sorry I reacted like I did, I think I just got scared… I'm only just getting my head around the fact that I'm pregnant, but I'm also going to be some kind of figure in Lindsey's life… I didn't think about how my actions might rub off on her…how she'd want to copy me… I forgot, I think we both forgot, that Lindsey only knows the bare minimum… so yeah, when she said she wanted to be like me, I panicked… and I'm sorry…that's not what adults too… it's not what parents do… I… I'd understand if you don't want me to spend any time with Lindsey… with you… I just… I wanted to say I'm sorry… to explain what was going through my head… '
'Sara… Sara stop' Catherine cut in. 'I reacted badly too… I'm… I'm just glad you're ok… it scared me, not knowing where you were… but you're right, you're an adult, and so I need to treat you as such, you shouldn't have to tell someone where you are at every second of the day, but you do need to tell me, someone, when things are getting hard for you… I'd hate for you to take a step back in your progress… I…' Catherine took a deep breath 'I was worried you'd do something stupid honey' she admitted
'You thought I'd go to a bar?' Sara questioned, her voice even, understanding.
'Yeah… for a second, I did, but I know you'd never do anything to hurt Lumpy as Lindsey informs us the baby is called…' Catherine chuckled slightly 'It was… it was actually Lindsey's wisdom, once again, that relaxed us…I panicked because you were alone, and well… you know what the Doctor said, but Lindsey told us you weren't alone, you were with Lumpy, and that Lumpy would protect you, and you'd protect them…and she was right.'
Sara chuckled herself, her hand moving to rest over her belly, rubbing small circles over it
'Yeah, she was right'
Xxxx
a/n yay, 2 chapters in a few hours! More soon, I hope. Hope you're all still enjoying it. Hoping the next chapters will be a bit more involved, and bit longer, but right now my own lumpy bump is making me tired, and I could do with some sleep.
