Trigger warning! Just in case it wasn't obvious, this chapter is going to get very violent. There's also implied sexual abuse and lots of PTSD/anxiety disorder references. Read with caution if any of those things trigger you.
This time, when I step into the wooded arena, I feel nothing but anger and...fear. I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid. I thought I'd made it past all of this, but just seeing Hide again had been enough to paralyze me. What will fighting him do?
I'm stronger than him. Of that, I'm sure. My training with Genkai and the work I did with the guys, Kurama, my cousins, and Yusuke have put me on equal footing with the S class demons here. There's no way he's anywhere near that powerful. I should be able to do this. It helps that we've chosen to start where we can't see each other. If I'd been met with his stupid face from the start, I'm not sure what I would have done.
"Aaaaaaand, start!" Koto's voice calls from somewhere far away.
Taking a slow, deep breath, I dash forward, focusing on his all too familiar energy immediately. I keep moving, without much of a plan in mind other than motion. It takes me about a minute to realize I've been running away from him. Shit.
I stop to reorient myself. Judging by the size of the arena and its shape, I think Hide is in the center of it. He'd been moving himself all this time, but now he's just standing still. Waiting for me, that son of a bitch.
This won't end unless I put a stop to it. I can't run anymore. Maybe there have been times when I haven't had to be strong on my own, but this isn't one of them. Now, it's all up to me. I fire up, letting tongues of flame dance across my skin, warming me, hotter and hotter until it's almost too much to bear. Dousing myself, I walk toward him, slowly but surely, keeping my breathing and my stride even.
When I step into the clearing where he's situated himself, I stop, my heart in my throat. He's standing with his back to me, but when he hears me approach, he turns, smiling.
"Color me impressed," he says. "I thought I might have to come find you. You always did run away from your problems."
"I'm not running anymore," I growl, taking a stiff step forward. My skin is absolutely crawling, and there's a tightness in my chest I can't shake. My beloved.
"No, I suppose not." Hide walks toward me without a care in the world, no fear in him, whatsoever. As he gets closer, it feels like my feet are rooted to the ground. My heart starts pounding, my head spinning. Everything in me is screaming to run, to move, to do anything other than let this man come any closer.
But, I can't. Beg for my forgiveness.
"Asaki," he says, reaching a hand toward me. I flinch as he touches my cheek, his fingers gentle. "Wouldn't it be so much easier to just submit? Why put yourself through this?"
I can't speak. Suddenly, it's 100 years ago, and we've only just begun our acquaintance. No longer am I the person I am today. Instead, I'm weak, frightened, and impressionable. He's right. It would be easier to just let him take control again. My life in someone else's hands….
He wraps an arm around my waist, tilting my face toward his, forcing me to look into his dark, dark eyes. They're almost hypnotic, pulling me in, deeper and deeper. Tears start to fall from my eyes as he leans closer.
"No," I whimper, and he jumps back, hissing in pain. Without realizing it, my body had begun to burn. Even if my mind isn't consciously under my control, it still remembers. Even if some part of me chose to go back with him, my mind wouldn't allow it. I won't allow it.
"That was your last chance to come quietly," he says, shaking his hands. They're bright red from the burns, and I only have a second to feel triumphant before he does the one thing that destroys my resolve quicker than it formed. He pulls out a knife. I thought I'd gotten over my fear of blades, but seeing it in his hand breaks some part of me.
He's fast. A lot faster than I would have given him credit for. I don't have time to run before he's grabbed me by the front of my shirt and slammed me into the ground, knocking the wind out of me. When the knife rams into my stomach, I scream. It hurts so much, like someone else's fire ripping through me. He twists the blade, and with each new angle, I shriek anew, feeling my hot blood leaching into my clothes, turning cold. It's been too long since I've last felt like this. All the resistances I'd built up, all the stubbornness and refusal to give him what he wanted is gone. I've been taking my current easiness for granted.
Hide gets to his feet, stepping back from me. I push myself away, my healing kicking in on its own, just like it used to. Dying had never been an option. I'm trembling, which makes it hard to move, but I have to leave. I can't stay here with him like this. Run. Run. Run! I don't want to run, but I….
He regards his knife for a moment, my blood glinting on it. With a wicked smile, he licks the side of the blade, and my stomach lurches. "I've missed this," he purrs. "The taste of your blood. The look on your face. The sound of your screams. It's just like old times."
I shake my head, scrambling to my feet. I have a hand pressed to my wound, even though it's mostly healed. "H-Hide." His name feels like acid in my mouth, and I want to throw it all up.
"Mmm. It's too late now," he hums. "As delightful as it is to humble you, I have to make you penitent or else you'll just fight me again. I need a subservient wife, you know."
He walks slowly toward me this time, and when I turn to run, he yanks on my braid, hard. I stumble into him, and he holds his blade up to my neck, his other hand cupping my chin. "Beg."
I shake my head, gasping as his knife rakes across my neck. Blood pours down my chest, and he laughs, the sound harsh in my ear. Taking hold of one wrist, he pins me against a tree, using his knife to rip and tear through my flesh, leaving me bloody, my clothes torn to shreds. I don't even use my energy to heal, but eventually, it starts to work on its own. At least with that comes the inability to feel again. I know he's still butchering me, but it doesn't hurt anymore.
"I could kill you," Hide breathes, sliding his blade down the side of my face, not hard enough to maim, but just enough to draw blood. "But how could I deprive myself of this joy?"
I look away from him, my breath catching in my throat. He uses the blade of his knife to turn my face toward him again, his eyes narrowed.
"You did this to yourself," he tells me. "You know that, right? If you'd just stayed the good girl and stood behind me, this never would have happened." I'm a fountain of blood, as my body slowly tries to recover. Maybe if I focus on that instead of his words, I won't lose. Lose what? Yourself. Again. To this awful man.
"You'll come back with me, tell your father you still want to marry me, and then we'll do it without delay. No more waiting. Don't worry, I won't harm your pretty face anymore, once we're bound." He frowns, looking me over. "Although, all of your body will belong to me, so I may have to find...other ways to derive my pleasure."
A gagging sound escapes me, but I don't have the strength to vomit. I swallow back the bile, my whole body rejecting his words.
"Beautiful," he purrs. "Simply beautiful. The only thing that could make this better would be to see the look on the face of that stupid fox you've been fucking this whole time."
I tense up, but he doesn't notice as he continues to speak.
"He needs to learn better than to sniff around someone else's property. Once I've secured you, I may go after him next. I know some upper-class demons who'd love to be responsible for his death."
"Don't you dare."
He looks down at me, frowning. It's almost like he'd forgotten I was there. "What did you say?"
"I said, don't you dare." Fire. Racing through me, from top to bottom, I suddenly feel alive again. My wounds heal in the span of seconds as I grab Hide's wrist, yanking it away from my face.
He wrenches his hand from my grip, gritting his teeth. "I don't recall giving you permission to talk back." He moves to swing at me, and I step out of the way easily. It's like my body is made of flame, flickering and movable once more.
"Do what you want to me, but I will not let you hurt him." I glare up at him, and he takes a step back.
"So, I was right. You have been f-"
Now, it's my turn to make him suffer. I launch a punch directly into his face, sending him flying into a tree that snaps in half at the impact. The top part lands on him, but before he can recover, before he can properly push it off himself, I fling it away, standing over him.
"I'm not doing this anymore." I evaporate the tears that try to fall as I glare into his eyes. They look somewhere between terrified and angry. "I let the relationship we once had frighten me. I let you put me back in that powerless place. Never again. It's over."
He gets to his feet, brushing himself off before saying, "You don't get to throw away all the time we've spent together."
"Like it ever meant anything to you!" I shout. "If you ever cared for me at all, you wouldn't have put me through that hell. I'm not your toy! I'm a living, breathing person, something you don't seem to understand. What, were you going to throw me away when you were done with me? What gives you that right?" All the words I've wanted to say for so long are pouring out of me like water, and now that I've started, I can't stop.
He swings at me, and I let the blade sink into my shoulder, wincing at the pain as my senses return to me. His triumphant look lasts for all of a second as I raise my hand to his face, sending a blast of fire at him. He screams, letting go of the knife and falling to the ground. I wrench the stupid thing out of my arm, chucking it at a tree as I look down at him.
His skin is blackened in some places and angry, red, and blistering in others. He's whimpering and shuddering now, staring up at me with wide eyes. It's all fear now. Good.
"Please, don't," he begs. "P-please...you're too good to kill me. You've won. Just...don't hurt me. I'll never bother you again, I promise."
I shake my head, raising a hand, fire springing into my palm. I can't do this. I can't spare him again. I don't trust him; he'll just come back to hurt me. I have to...I have to.
He'll be the first who's meant something to you.
You can't do it.
They're right. I want to. I want it so badly. But, part of me is saying this won't end the nightmare. Just because he's gone doesn't mean the scars he's left will go away. I already know better. This doesn't solve anything. Part of me still wants to hope that he really will leave me alone.
I chuck the fireball at the ground beside him making him jump. "This is your last chance," I tell him. "If you so much as speak to me again, I will kill you, do I make myself clear?"
"C-crystal," he stammers.
I hear Koto overhead, saying I've won, but it feels hollow to me. Winning like this, against this man...this wasn't how I wanted things to end. It's not weakness to show mercy. Right?
I leave the arena, feeling sick, tired, and filthy. I'm covered in blood, and my clothes are so torn they're barely hanging on. My scraps of shirt are ripped down the middle, so I tie the frayed ends together, hoping they'll stay that way until I can figure out what to do. I walk slowly, so slowly toward where I see my friends have gathered, their faces ranging from worried to angry to disgusted on Hiei's part. I can't blame him. When he says "I told you so," I'll have to give it to him. He was right.
"Asaki!" Kurama shouts, but before I have time to react, a sharp pain races up my spine, and I collapse, my body going numb. It doesn't last for more than a second, and I reach around my back to find a knife embedded there that I pull out.
Getting to my feet, I spin, seeing Hide standing there, a crazed smile on his face. If that had been anyone else, a severed spinal cord would have killed them. As it is, it's only served to make me very, very irritated. I fire up, fully prepared to torch him once and for all, when I hear a loud popping noise. A huge cloud of smoke suddenly appears where Hide is, blocking my line of sight.
I wave it away as best I can, and when it dissipates, all that's left of Hide is a bush...more specifically, a Burn Flower bush, the little black blossoms in full bloom. I stare at it, dumbfounded, before looking up to find Kurama at my side.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing," he replies. "I merely planted the seed. It needed heat to grow, something you gave it plenty of."
"Last time I checked, Burn Flowers don't kill people."
"That, I may have done."
"You're a real asshole," I tell him, my shaking hand grabbing onto his sleeve. "Thank you."
He sighs, saying, "I told you, I would kill him. This might have been too merciful."
Maybe so. I nod, unable to speak as I look at where Hide once stood. After a few moments, I take a breath, letting it out shakily. He's really gone. "I don't...it doesn't feel real." Walking over to the flowers, I hesitantly pluck one, holding it in my palm. This is the only physical thing left from all those horrible years of my life. It's so small, just like I used to be.
Kurama puts his hand over mine, and I feel warmth trickle from his fingers. When he lifts his hand, the flower is covered in something hard and clear. "It will keep this way," he says, his voice soft.
I look up into his eyes, tears flowing freely down my face now. I didn't have to say a word, and still he knew what I wanted: some way to keep this as a reminder of what once was. Of who I once was and the things I'd suffered that got me to where I am today. The scars will never disappear, but maybe they can fade. There aren't words to express how grateful I am, so instead, we just stand there like that for a few moments more before I turn and head back toward where everyone is gathered.
"Are you all right, dear?" Botan asks, taking my hands in hers as I pocket the flower.
"Not really, but I will be." This I cling to, the idea that one day I really will be okay. Someday, it won't take an exorbitant amount of effort to exist. I can just be.
"That was the worst fight I've ever had to watch," she says, and that's when I notice she's crying too.
"Oh, Botan," I murmur, giving her a hug. She returns the embrace, crying into my shoulder for a few seconds before letting go.
"I'm only grateful we'll never have to see a display like that again," Hiei grunts. "If I'd been in there, he wouldn't have lasted two seconds. I would have killed him instantly."
"That makes me wonder how he managed to get this far," Koenma adds.
"Bribes. Money talks in Demon World."
"The hell did he say to you that made you roast him?" Yusuke asks.
All eyes are on me as I say, "He accused me of fucking Kurama. I don't want to get blamed for something I've never done."
"Pfft." Yusuke loses it, cracking up at my words. It catches on, and some of the others start laughing too, making me smile.
"I think I need to go sit somewhere," I say when most of the giggles have died down.
"Let me help you!" Botan cries, but Kurama puts out a hand.
"Allow me. If you could perhaps find her some new clothes, I think that would be appreciated."
I nod, forcing a smile. What I want right now is to be alone, but maybe that's not such a good idea. Kurama's company, while charged, is probably healthier for me than my own thoughts. I think I just need some time to process everything that's happened. Hide's gone for real now. I won't have to worry about him ever again.
Kurama and I walk out of the arena and into an empty room that had been used to hold participants earlier that day. It's deserted now, all traces of the bustle of the morning gone. We started with so many, and now maybe a few handfuls remain.
I sit down on one of the benches, suddenly so very tired. I feel empty, like I've been hollowed out. Shouldn't I be lighter? The weight of Hide has been lifted from my shoulders, but for some reason, I'm kind of...sad.
"I think I can understand now," Kurama says, speaking slowly as he sits beside me, "how you feel when you watch me fight and I sustain so many injuries. That was…." He trails off, and I glance over at him, my heart twisting at the frightened look on his face. "I'd rather not repeat that."
"Likewise," I mumble. "We've done away with the only person in the three worlds who could frighten me so much, so I don't think we'll have to worry about it again." Sighing, I get to my feet, stretching my arms high over my head, making my torn shirt unknot itself. "I need new clothes," I mumble, suddenly feeling very exposed as I tie it together again.
"I'm sure Botan is working on that," Kurama says as someone knocks on the door. After a second or two, Botan pops her head in.
"I hope this will do," she says, holding out a fresh shirt and pants.
"I love you, Botan," I tell her, walking over and taking the clothing from her.
She blushes, and I smile as she mumbles a little, before eyeing Kurama. "I'm going to go join the others now, if you don't need my assistance, Asaki."
"I'm okay," I tell her. "I think I can manage to get dressed by myself."
"I'll wait outside," Kurama replies, and he and Botan leave me alone.
The moment the door closes, I start to shrug out of my old clothes, but before I can so much as stick a leg in my new pants, tears blur my vision. I sink down to the floor, sobbing so hard it's difficult to breathe, letting out all the fear, the stress, the sorrow inside of me. It's several minutes before I can't cry anymore, but I do feel better when it's all over. Not back to normal but definitely better.
I get dressed slowly, feeling as weak as a newborn kitten, using the wet towel Botan had included to wipe the worst of the blood from my face, back, and chest before pulling open the door to find Kurama waiting on the other side, just like he said he would be. "Those clothes look comfortable," he says, and I'm grateful that's what he leads with. There's no way he didn't hear me bawling my eyes out only a few moments before.
"They are," I reply, touching the soft fabric. They're loose and light, the shirt maybe a size too big, and I wonder whose these are. Botan isn't that much larger than I am, build-wise.
"I don't suppose you're feeling up to talking about something with me," he says, his tone incredibly mild and light. However, the levity doesn't quite reach his eyes, which makes me nervous.
"Sure," I tell him. He gives me a small smile before gesturing to the room behind me. We step back in, and I wring my hands, wondering what he wants.
"I know you've had a long day. I would give anything to spare you something else to think about, but I've put this off too long. Forgive me for being so selfish."
"You're fine, Kurama. You know I'd do anything for you." What on earth is he talking about? What does he need to tell me that he felt he couldn't for so long?
He nods, looking away from me. "That goes for all of our friends, doesn't it?"
"Of course. You've all been so good to me, and I know you'd do the same for me."
Sighing, he runs a hand over his face, which is when I notice he looks nervous. Just a little, but more than I've ever seen from him.
"It's things like this that make it even more difficult. I know you respect me, and we're very good friends, but I get so agitated when I think the affection is all on my side. Sometimes I feel I know for certain, and other times I can't read you at all."
Affection? "Kurama, what is it?" I reach for his sleeve, but he catches my hand in his instead, turning to face me.
"Asaki, I love you."
I stare at him, eyes wide for a moment before I take my hand from his, using it to pinch my arm as hard as I can. After a moment, I burn a little, making Kurama frown. He grabs my hand, stopping me from burning myself.
"What are you doing?" he asks, sounding somewhere between nervous, amused, and disapproving.
"I was trying to see if I was dreaming, but I think I'm still a little numb…."
He stares at me for a moment before letting out an exasperated chuckle. Reaching into his hair, he pulls out a deep red rose, pressing it into my hand. I feel the lightest prick from the thorns, startling me a little.
"Now do you believe you aren't dreaming?"
I shake my head, positive I would have started crying if I hadn't been all dried up from earlier. "Dreaming? It's like every day of my life since I left home has been a dream. Maybe...maybe I'll wake up, and it'll never have happened, you know? Maybe…."
"Maybe, it has happened. And maybe I'm standing here before you, having confessed my love and trying not to lose myself in the fact that you haven't responded to that yet." He sounds almost like he's in pain.
"Oh!" I wipe away my tears, eyes wide. "I-I'm so sorry, Kurama. I didn't...I mean, I…." Why can't I form words into sentences?!
"Asaki, please," he whispers, his eyes boring into mine. "Just tell me how you feel about me."
"I love you. I love you so much I can't think straight. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, and every time I see you, I can hardly breathe." The words come out in a rush, and my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest. I can't believe I just said that! Me! To Kurama!
Kurama sighs, and I watch in awe as he starts to blush. "You don't have to say it in so many words."
"Oh. I-I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he replies. "You didn't have to say it like that, but I'm glad you did." He reaches a hand out to me, caressing my face before he pulls me close.
"Ah, the rose!" I gasp, moving it so it doesn't get crushed.
"Asaki Anno," Kurama says, suddenly taking my face in his hands. "I will give you a rose every day for the rest of our lives if you drop that one right now. You don't have to hold onto them like you won't get another anymore."
So, I drop the rose, finding myself somewhere between laughter and wanting to cry again. "Kurama, I love you so much."
"I love you every bit as much," he replies, all traces of uneasiness gone as he smiles warmly at me. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd very much like to kiss you. Properly, this time. That first one seemed to be lacking something."
"Consent?"
He chuckles softly, pressing his forehead against mine. He's so very close. For a moment, I forget to breathe. "I promise I only minded so much," he murmurs. "It certainly solidified a few things in my mind."
"Then I guess I only made so much a fool of myself."
He smiles, taking one of my hands and holding my cheek as he leans in. When our lips meet, I lean into him, surprised at myself. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a kiss before, not even when Hide and I first started our relationship, but this? This is everything I used to dream a kiss would be. It's soft, and sweet, and so very warm.
He pulls away, and I look up into his green eyes, suddenly embarrassed by the smile on his face. I try to step back, but he holds me close, wrapping his arms around me. "Stay," he whispers into my hair. "Just a little longer."
I nod, feeling how hot my face is as I return his embrace, wondering how often I'll get to do this now. And I won't have to worry that I'm bothering him with it either.
He lets me go, taking one of my hands in his as he asks, "Asaki, will you go out with me?"
"Yes," I say, swallowing my embarrassment, finding myself unable to fight the smile that blooms across my face. Unlike his confession, I'm not at a loss for words this time. "I would love to."
He laughs, the sound breathy and relieved. "I'm glad." He squeezes my hand, saying, "I suppose we ought to get back out there lest we miss Hiei's fight. Unless you need more time to decompress."
I shake my head. "You've managed to completely put earlier out of my head."
"That's relieving. I couldn't help but be worried, if you didn't feel for me as I did for you, that this would only be an added stress."
"About many things have I been stressed lately, but this isn't one of them." I look down at our joined hands, still marveling at everything that's happened today. Between some insane fights, forcing a kiss on Kurama, dealing with Hide, and now this, so many things have happened. I can't wait to take a break and watch someone else fight for a little bit.
"Who is Hiei fighting anyway?" I ask. I hadn't been able to keep up with his bracket as well as I'd wanted to.
"Mukuro, I believe."
Ice trips through my veins, and I look up at Kurama. "We should go."
He nods, and we head toward where we'd been watching matches with the others, hand in hand.
A/N: We've finally made it. I will not lie, I rewrote that confession three times before I posted this. However, I think that what I decided on was a good call. Never again will I write a fic that takes 300k words before a confession, I swear. This was exhausting, but they finally did it, the morons. This was always my intended point of confession for them, but I don't think I realized just how long it would really take to get here.
I wanted to make a point that, yay, Hide's dead, but trauma doesn't just disappear because the source has been removed from the picture. Asaki knows that. She's not going to magically get better now, so I hope no one's expecting that. But she's acquired the tools with which to overcome her pain on her own, and when it's too much, she's got a huge found family to rely on. There's no shame in needing help.
Thank you everyone for sticking with me all this time. I hope it's been worth it so far. Let's finish this tournament with a bang!
