El feels different.
She always feels different, but this is a different kind of different.
She feels lighter, maybe. She feels less heavy. She feels like she has nothing left to hide. She maybe even feels a little light inside of her. She feels like the world isn't as dark as it was yesterday. She feels something that feels like hope but that she would never call hope.
She arrives at Dr. Hart's office with all of her friends in tow. A small army there for her. To protect her. To guide and shelter her. She doesn't want to feel hope because she is afraid of having it taken away from her, but no matter how hard she tries to keep it pushed down, the feeling just keeps on bubbling back up.
She's nervous. She knows that everyone is, too. But she keeps on feeling Mike's hand holding hers, squeezing it every so often to let her know that he's there.
She tries to muster up the confidence needed to go in. She wants to go to school and she wants to do whatever it takes to go to school, but at the same time, she's scared. She's scared to see Dr. Hart after what happened yesterday. She's scared that Dr. Hart is going to want to make her talk about what happened yesterday. About what she said yesterday. About what happened to her. She's scared that Dr. Hart is going to tell her that she isn't ready to go to school. That she isn't normal enough to go to school. To go out into the real world. She's just scared.
Her mind is racing with these thoughts and about a million more when she goes into Dr. Hart's office. It's a bit crowded in there, Nancy and Mike are sitting with her on the couch with Max and Steve sitting on the arms, and Lucas, Dustin, and Will sitting on the floor in front of her. Hop, Jonathan, and Mrs. Byers are sitting on the other couch in Dr. Hart's office.
"Well hello and good morning, everyone." Dr. Hart says smiling and taking a good look at everyone.
Everyone murmurs greetings back and El looks down at her shoe and closes her eyes, trying to organize her thoughts and her emotions. Trying to prepare herself for whatever is about to happen.
"So, El." Dr. Hart says, "Hopper tells me that he thinks it's time for you to go to school."
El squeezes her eyes and looks up at Dr. Hart, trying her best to maintain eye-contact.
"Yes." El says. "I, uh, I want to go to school."
"I know that you want to, but do you think that you're ready to go to school?" Dr. Hart asks.
El takes a deep breath and feels Mike squeeze her hand, reminding and reassuring her.
"I don't know." She says, looking down at the ground again. She opens her mouth to try and further explain because she knows that Dr. Hart is just going to ask her more questions anyway.
"I, I want to. I want to because that's where my friends are and that's what all the normal kids do, or what everyone else does," she says, correcting herself before Dr. Hart has a chance to. "But I'm scared." She admits. She feels like she can tell all of this to Dr. Hart and her friends because as of last night, they all now know the worst thing about her, and she feels safe with all of them there. Like she can talk about it. Like she can talk about this. She doesn't know if she's ready to talk about the past right now, but she thinks that she's ready to talk about the future. They make her feel strong. Strong enough to do this.
"I'm scared because I know that some of the other kids can be mean," she thinks back to the bullies that bothered Will and Mike and Lucas and Dustin when she first met them. "And I'm scared that all the kids will think that I'm weird. And I'm scared that something will happen and they'll find out who I really am and I'll have to leave Hawkins forever. And I don't want to leave." she has to look down after saying all that because she knows that if she keeps on looking at Dr. Hart that she's going to cry and she is so tired of crying.
Dr. Hart doesn't say anything at first, but she does lean forward a little bit.
"I think that those are all very valid fears, but I also want to let you know that I think that we can get you to school. I don't know when that will be, but I want to let you know that I do think it is something that you can accomplish." She says.
"What do we need to do?" Steve asks, "Like, to get her there?"
Dr. Hart looks at him with a warm smile and says, "Well. First, we need to make sure that she is emotionally ready. As I'm sure y'all all know, school can be tough and El has some additional challenges on top of that. But that's not to say that she can't do it. I think it's great that she has such an amazing support system in all of y'all, so that is definitely going to help. But I also want to make sure that El would be able to control her strong emotions. It is okay for her to feel stress over an assignment or sad because some kid said something mean, but for her, if it gets too strong, we all know what could happen."
El looks up at Dr. Hart again, "What would I need to do to make sure I can control my, uh, emotions?" she says, knowing that it was more than her emotions that she needed to worry about controlling.
Dr. Hart takes a moment to think before answering, "You've already taken the first steps for that, sweetheart. You've started by coming here, by talking to me. It is important that you keep on talking. It doesn't always have to be with me, but you cannot keep all of your bad feelings and your thoughts to yourself anymore. You have been through so much, but you can only hold so much. When these thoughts and these feelings are left unsaid when they are left inside, they build up and they build up and they build up until you don't have any room left, so you have no choice but to explode. And that is somewhat normal, lots of people get to that point, but not everyone can do what you can do." She says with a soft smile.
It's Hop that speaks this time.
"So what can we do to make sure she doesn't get to that point? What can we do to help her?"
Dr. Hart takes a moment and says, "Well, first and foremost. You just need to listen to her. You all also have to realize that you're not always going to have all of the answers. And you have to be okay with that. El has been through some pretty heavy stuff, some stuff that y'all have never nor will ever have to experience. You have to realize that her emotions are not problems that need to be solved. It's okay to not have an answer or a response when she tells you something, but you need to make sure that you're listening. And El," she says, refocusing her attention, "You're not always going to know what to say or how to say it. But that's okay. We're going to get you there. But what I want you to know first and foremost is that you're not some problem that needs to be fixed. You're not some small, broken thing. You've had some terrible, awful, inhumane things happen to you, but none of those things make you any less of a human. Any less valuable. It doesn't make you any less than anyone else in this room. We all have our crosses to bear. Do you understand me?"
El nods and looks around the room. She looks at each and every person there. They are all there because she loves them, and for some reason, they have all decided to love her back.
Nancy is the next to speak, "So once you're confident that she can handle her emotions, what needs to happen? How can we help her?"
"Well, I've been told and I can tell that El is very bright, but she isn't where she should be academically. In order for her to go to school, she would need all of her benchmarks to meet that of someone in the eighth grade, and not that I don't think that she would be able to do it, but I think it would be wise to get her up to that point and then enroll her in school for next year."
El feels crushed instantly. That would be months away. She knew that she wouldn't be riding to school on Mike's bike tomorrow, but she didn't think that it would take months.
"But, I want to go. I can do it." El states in a quiet voice.
"I know that you can, sweetheart." Dr. Hart answers, "but first you have to let me get you ready. You have to let me give you the words and the names to what you're feeling. To give you the tools that you need to process and handle those feelings. And I don't want to throw you into school in the middle of the semester. It'll just make it harder on you."
El opens her mouth to protest, but Max speaks up first.
"She's right, El. I did the whole 'being new once the school year had already started thing' and it sucked majorly. I think it would be better if you waited until next year. It would give you more time to get ready. To be more prepared."
El looks down at her feet. Mike leans over and half whispers to her, "I know it's not what you wanted, but it's a start. And you're not going to be locked up the whole time. Right?" he says, looking up at the Chief for the last part.
"Right," he reaffirms. "No more hiding. I promised you that."
"And it'll be good because by the time that you get to school, people will already know about you and you won't be some shiny new thing. And you'll have all of us already and we can be there for you, whenever you need us. But until then we can all help you get to where you need to be and we can hang out and go to the movies and go to the arcade and do fun, normal stuff." Mike says.
El feels like crying, this was something that she wants so badly, but she knows that they're all right. She knows that it's going to take a little while to get her to where she can be around other people.
"Yeah. I guess." She says, scuffing her foot against the floor.
"I know this isn't what you want to hear." Dr. Hart says, "but this is what's going to be best for you. And you're going to have so many people that make sure that you get there. I mean, just look around right now. Look at all of these people who are here because they love and want to help you."
El looks around the room again, taking in everyone's hopeful smiles.
"Okay." El says, looking back down at the ground.
"Okay?" Dr. Hart asks, looking at Hopper.
"Okay." He confirms.
El feels that little thing flutter in her chest again.
That little light.
She allows herself to feel it this time.
To acknowledge it.
Walking out of Dr. Hart's office, El feels different. She feels something that she hasn't felt in a long time. She feels something that she only just recently has learned the name of.
She feels hope.
