Author's Note: ...


Rolf's eyes flicked open at the sound of his alarm clock blasting AM radio, and he was thankful that the ancient remedies passed down from the old country had restored his vision. He retrieved his war-scarred battle ax and used it to decapitate the alarm clock before turning his attention to his two friends sleeping soundly on the floor inside of sleeping bags made from his Papa's back hair. Kevin and Nazz had found him in the junkyard yesterday wrestling an extension cord and brought him back home for a sleepover. Rolf was both thankful for their assistance and impressed at the many household appliances he had slain while blinded. He walked over to Nazz's sleeping body and stood over her with his gleaming weapon held steadily in his hands.

"The time has come at last, hair-for-brains Nazz-girl," Rolf said from above her. Nazz's eyes flicked open and her mouth opened for a scream but no sound came out. "For you to awake and partake in Rolf's bountiful rustic harvest!" The confused girl blinked a few times before wiping the sleepies from her eyes.

"What did you harvest for breakfast?" Nazz asked reluctantly as she pulled her back-hair blanket up to her chin.

"Heads!" Rolf cried as the ax dropped next to Nazz's noggin' and its blade sunk into the floor.

"Take Kevin's, dude! His chin by itself could feed your family for a generation!" Nazz pleaded as she jumped from her sleeping spot and huddled next to Rolf's bed.

"But seven-out-of-eleven Kevin lacks the head of a chicken!" Rolf questioned as he took his hands from his ax, which he left sticking from his bedroom floor. "Yet he has the spirit of a cockadoodle deep in his soul!"

"Yuck, chicken heads?" Nazz complained, her fear quickly morphing into disgust. "Next you'll be saying we're having pig feet too!"

"Not unless you donate yours to Rolf's cause!"

"My pig feet are oinking over to Kevin before my gag reflex overloads!" Nazz replied before spinning across the floor like a rolling pin and stopping next to Kevin. "Kev, wake up! Rolf's talking about making us breakfast again and we need to find a way out of it!" Kevin suddenly woke up screaming and thrashed around in his itchy sleeping bag.

"Grab the smelling salts! The night terrors have him!" Rolf ordered as he watched his friend have a nocturnal fit. Nazz grabbed hold of Kevin's hands and he calmed down before looking at her worried face.

"Dude it's alright now! The nightmare is over!" Nazz comforted.

"Babe this is the nightmare! Beat me over the head until I stop moving! Don't let that calamaridork stuff tentacles and shit in my mouth again!" Kevin pleaded, Rolf laughing in the background.

"Your gullet shall not escape Rolf's cuisine without a customary taste test!" Rolf claimed as he stood grinning over his two shivering friends. "But perhaps Rolf shall show mercy and allow one of you to leave! Come, tell Rolf who should stay and who should go!" Kevin and Nazz turned to face each other on the floor, both of them turning traitor in an instant. They jumped to their feet in a blind panic.

"Bro it's your boy Kevin and I've gotta get back to my house before my folks notice I'm gone!" Kevin started as he made his case. "You don't wanna see your main man behind bars in his own home again, do ya?"

"As if, dude! Rolf and I both know your parents love their baby boy Kevi Wevi too much to crack the whip!" Nazz retorted before running a hand through her hair. "But me, Rolf? I've gone through so much recently! From the forbidden one making me feel icky to my personal space being chin-checked by trailer sluts! I could really use some alone time!"

"Yeah right, do you take my man Rolf for a fooldork?! I'm the one who got his fucking bike destroyed while you're over here bitching because Jonny looked at you funny!"

"Say that name again and I won't let you give me a ride to prom, dude!" Nazz shot back before putting a finger on her bottom lip. "Oh that's right! You can't pick me up because you destroyed your own fucking bike!"

"Like you would ask me to prom anyway, Nazz! Why don't you ask one of your new girlfriends from the alley way to be your date?! Then we can turn this spat into my bike versus you're a dyke!"

"You wanna go low like that, Big K?! I'll go lower and kick you in the dick!"

"You ain't seen low, babe! I'll go even lower and punt you in the cunt!"

Rolf gave a hearty laugh before throwing his arms around his cantankerous comrades, ending the argument before it devolved into a violent hatefuck on his bed.

"Rolf sees now the only solution to this dispute!" Rolf announced as Kevin and Nazz calmed their shit at his soothing touch. "You are both too hungry to leave without shoveling Rolf's squirming morsels into your whining pieholes!"

"Y-You were pulling our legs the entire time, weren't you dude?" Nazz choked out as the vomit rose up from her stomach.

"As if Rolf would have ever actually allowed either of you to leave without enjoying the pickled hamster brains Rolf saved for this occasion!" Rolf replied before leading his two prisoners toward his kitchen.

"Yo Nazz, you don't hold all that shit I said against me, do ya babe?" Kevin asked as he was practically led in irons to Rolf's torture chamber of a kitchen.

"You could have told me to kill myself and I wouldn't! Cool people are in too short supply for me to ever be angry at you!" Nazz replied to Kevin's relief as they were forced into Rolf's kitchen. "I didn't mean most of what I said anyway!"

"Most of it? Which parts did you mean?" Kevin asked suspiciously as Rolf grabbed an ice pick from a tool box and assassinated a squealing piglet tied to his cutting board.

"Your chin could definitely feed Rolf's family, dude!" Nazz answered, Kevin staring at her silently because that did not compute. He decided to just laugh it off because he had bigger fish to fry, and not the poisonous ones in Rolf's kitchen either. He knew that after Rolf finished feeding them and allowing them to puke into his bathtub for an hour, he'd have to meet up with the rest of the Anti-Dork Association for their clandestine trip to the Kanker dimension. He wasn't looking forward to it, especially after the Kankers tried to get their freak on with Nazz and didn't even have the common decency to send him an invite to watch. His swollen blue balls pissed him off but he decided he would just blame the Eds for this too since that was the easy way out.


Marie rested her tooshie on a couch and forced popcorn from a bowl between her legs hand over fist down her throat. Since she and her sisters didn't have a television anymore after their mom pawned it off for prescription drugs, they had set up a makeshift puppet theater in its place and took turns entertaining each other. The curtains had been closed for several minutes as May hid behind the puppet stage to plot the next scene of her play during the intermission. "Is this commercial break gonna be over soon or what? I'd have more fun piercing my nipples with a power drill right now," Marie heckled before throwing a fist full of popcorn, the buttery fluff nuggets raining down around the stage.

"*Snort* the script writers are on strike lmao how about u fill out a job application while u wait," May yelled from her puppet bunker.

"I totally would but I'm taking a break right now from that," Marie replied as she eyed a ream of five hundred blank job applications sitting next to the couch. "None of these assholes ever call me back. Something about a sex offender registry."

"*Snort* time for u to give up and work at the truck stop bathroom rofl"

"Fuck no. I am not working with mom," Marie protested even though the idea was tantalizing. "Babysitting you is a full time job anyway. Someone has to guard the sockets whenever you run around with a fork in your hand."

"*Snort* jealous of my career as an electrician i see lol now u can envy my acting career too," May taunted as the curtains opened on the puppet stage.

"This better be worth the wait. This is my third bowl and we don't have any more popcorn left," Marie muttered before burying her hand into the bowl for another scoop.

On the stage was a tiny plastic bed with two dolls that looked like Ed and Edd tied to it. May's hands rose up from behind the stage with a May doll in one and a Marie doll in the other.

"May, you piece of shit rat tooth fuck, the Eds are finally our prisoners," Marie doll said as May mimicked Marie's enchanting voice and moved the doll in her likeness up and down. "What triple X-rated thing should we do to them first?"

"*Snort* i know what will break da ice lol we will make them motorboat us," May doll said as she wiggled around.

"No please! My lips are only good for spelling bees!" Edd doll begged as he struggled against the ropes.

"*Guffaws* my motor is broken ahahaha guess u have to let us go," Ed doll added from beside his squirming doll friend.

"You heard our concubines, you blonde hungry hungry hippo," Marie doll began as she and May doll scooted closer to the bed. "We have to take a closer look to make sure their equipment is in working order."

"I wish my motor was working as well so I could drive away from this agonizing predicament!" Edd doll lamented as he renewed his fight against his bindings.

"*Snort* dont worry me and marie are certified mechanics lmao we need to use those tire irons in ur pants," May doll joked before leaning over Ed doll. "*Snort* open the hood for me big ed lol ur inspection begins now"

"*Guffaws* but i already passed inspection last month ahahaha i need to see ur credentials first," Ed doll pleaded desperately.

"They're inside our panties, you overgrown sexy retard. Reach inside and check them out if you need to," Marie doll replied before climbing on top of Edd doll. "How about you, my hot little fuckstick? Ready for an oil change?"

"I need a diaper change instead!" Edd doll cried out.

"*Snort* we can handle that lmao lets git these pants off and maybe we can play with ur rattles too," May doll uttered as she climbed on top of Ed doll, her voice dropping to a lustful whisper.

"Leave him alone," Edd doll moaned to May doll.

"*Snort* Come on, Marie, your man's too talky," May doll said.

"You're right, May, I guess I gotta do something to keep him nice and-"

Knocks sounded from the screen door of the trailer and May peeked her head out from over top of the stage.

"*Snort* guess its intermission time again lol," May exclaimed joyfully. She suddenly wheezed with laughter when she saw Marie quickly take her hand out of her pants. "*Snort* i see u were auditioning for my play rofl the casting couch suites u well"

"I admit it, your acting skills were so good I couldn't help myself," Marie replied before putting the popcorn down on the cushion next to her and standing up.

"*Snort* i hope its lee so she can behold this modern work of art too lol"

"No fucking way. I can't enjoy this the way I want to if her manjaw having ass is sitting right next to me," Marie responded as she walked toward the front door. She slid a chair out of the way and then unlocked it before swinging it open. She was surprised that instead of her repulsive ginger sister it was Dutch, Kevin, Jonny, and Sarah.

"Ready to get this planning party started?!" Dutch cheered as the rest of the Anti-Dork Rangers threw confetti in the air. Marie cracked an annoyed smile at them.

"You hear that, May?" Marie said loudly as she craned her head away from their visitors and toward her sister sitting behind the puppet stage. "It's our fanclub from the Cul-De-Sac."

"*Snort* just what i wanted lol more audience members for my performance," May said in elation.

"No, you fucking airhead. That means the show is over unless you want to catch a knee to your overbite," Marie threatened as she gave May's production two thumbs down. May stuck out her slimy toad tongue before snatching up her dolls and stuffing them down her pants.

"Are we interrupting something?" Dutch inquired as his compatriots grew impatient behind him, having only brought enough confetti for one dramatic entrance.

"Yeah but fuck it. The magical molestation is over now anyway," Marie replied as she turned back to their visitors.

"Is a magic show part of the plan to fuck over those jerkdorks?!" Kevin said hopefully, ignoring the ludicrously disturbing implications of what Marie said.

"Watching Ed do a vanishing act where he disappears forever would be a showstopper to me!" Sarah said gleefully as she tapped her grubby little fingers together.

"I wanna see Double D saw Eddy in half!" Jonny exclaimed as he fantasized of Sawtooth Cecil ripping through Eddy's potbelly.

"And then Double D can jump into a shark tank with bloody steaks tied to him!" Dutch added, a dark shadow casting over his brow. May walked over with the bowl of popcorn and joined Marie at her side so they could watch together as the Anti-Dork Confederacy dreamed up horrible deaths for their hated enemies.

"*Snort* fuck my puppet show lmao this is where the real entertainment is at," May declared before palming a pile of popcorn into her blowhole. Marie reached her hand into the bowl, grabbed some popcorn, and then tossed it at blood-lusting louts to interrupt their barbaric brainstorm.

"Torture porn involving the Eds is one of my fetishes too, but we didn't invite you fuckholes over here to hang out on our stoop," Marie stated as her sister happily munched popcorn beside her. "Lee ain't back from flipping burgers or whatever her vague job is, so we can't start figuring out how to plunder the Eds' assholes just yet."

"You mean wreck the Eds' asses, right trailer babe?" Kevin asked as he shot finger guns at her. "On second thought, change the babe to bitch."

"You wreck while we plunder. Everyone wins," Marie replied coyly. "If you want, you guys can come inside and wait in the kitchen. There's no food in there since we have to feed May's bottomless stomach, but you can fight off the hunger pangs with the cigarettes on the counter like we do."

"See! I told you guys I should've whipped up some omelets for the get-together!" Dutch pouted.

"*Snort* now thats that fancy folk food right there lol," May said as butter dribbled down her chin.

"Yeah if you fancy blowing chunks," Sarah whispered to Kevin.

"Dude, I just got done having breakfast at Rolf's. Don't talk to me about blowing chunks," Kevin whispered back.

"Can we not stand around talking about food?" Marie asked in annoyance. "It's a sore subject around these parts. Now are you guys coming in or coming out?"

"Coming in of course!" Dutch replied, still too deep in the closet for the latter.

"Good choice. Creampies beat facials any day," Marie said as she and May stepped out of the way to welcome the Anti-Dork Collective into their tin can fortress. After stepping inside, the kids admired the countless cheap knickknacks the Kankers garnered over the years from various flea markets and thrift stores, though they experienced a collective shudder when they all spotted a ship-inna-bottle hanging above the path to the kitchen.

"This is one groovy puppet theater!" Jonny exclaimed as he stopped part-way through the living room, the rest of his partners in crime ignoring him and going to the kitchen like good boys and girls. "When does the next show start?!"

"When the birds fly south for the winter," Marie answered from beside him, Jonny gulping before turning his head toward her. She shoved a pair of binoculars into his now sweaty hands. "Hope you've healed up before they fly back. Hate to miss our second birdwatching appointment."

"*Snort* i dont wanna miss it either lol make sure to bring ur backscratcher with u next time too," May chimed in with a playful wink.

"I-I think I need one of those cigarettes in the kitchen right now!" Jonny replied quickly before racing off to join his friends.

"This is exactly how I wanted to spend my afternoon, bros," Kevin complained at the kitchen table as he leaned back in a cheap plastic chair the Kankers stole from the Peach Creek High cafeteria.

"It wouldn't be so bad if they gave us something to better to play with than these!" Sarah added as she tried to strike a match to light the cigarette hanging out of her underage mouth. Jonny appeared at the kitchen table and snatched the cigarette from her lips and the matches from her hands. "What are you the morality police, balloonhead?!"

"Can it and lemme have my smokes, I need to vibe right now!" Jonny answered back forcefully before sitting down in a steel folding chair at the table with his ill-gotten treats.

"The least our gracious hosts could've done was give us some cards to pass the time!" Dutch said as he rested his head against the table stained with ketchup smears.

"Like I wanna play poker with you dorks and make this place feel anymore like a prison than it already does," Kevin replied.

"It's starting to feel more like an insane asylum to me," Sarah admitted as she stared over at Jonny, who jittered in his seat as he smoked three cigarettes rolled together at once.

"Give it time, Sarah. Pretty soon we'll all be burning our throats with ash rather than suffer the boredom straight-edge style," Dutch lamented fearfully.

"Then let's start the betting pool right now! I put up my fudge money that Kevin's the next one to break and light up!" Sarah said as she slapped a Hamilton on the table.

"I'm shooting my pearls in on you, little honey! Too bad I already lit up or I woulda voted for myself!" Jonny cried as he threw a bundle of scrunched up Washingtons into the fray.

"Put me down for fluffy puffing on some fags in the next ten minutes!" Kevin declared before whipping out a Jackson and sliding it to the center of the table."

"Test these nerves, baby! Wild card, thy name is Dutch! I say Kevin lights up and bodyslams the table when Lee Kanker shows up!" Dutch shouted as he hedged his bet money on the ticking time bomb of a boy.

"Those are bad odds because I have nerves of steel! As long as the dorker sisters don't give us a lame as fuck plan like we should be nice to the Eds that is," Kevin replied confidentially in his chair with a smug smile.


A baseball struck a limited-edition swimsuit poster of the Kanker sisters that was taped to a fence in the lane before rebounding off and landing back in Eddy's hand. "D*** it no matter how many times I hit you c***-swallowing b****es you won't stop smiling at me," Eddy complained through gritted teeth before looking down at the baseball. There was faded writing done in marker that read "Stay Failing, Pipsqueak!" on it. "That f***ing explains it, this ball is cursed with my Bro's s*** attempt at cursive!" Despite Eddy's hermit rage deepening over the course the day, finally leaving his house and hitting random things with a baseball was helping to ease his depression a little. Seeing his two former best buds five-ever yesterday had fractured his soul but he was sure the damage to his spirit would only worsen when they inevitably tried to pester him again.

"At long last Rolf may once again humor the dire-straights Ed-boy with his presence!" Rolf announced as he and Nazz walked toward Eddy from down the lane.

"What do you two want?" Eddy asked harshly before thwacking the baseball against May's grinning visage on the poster.

"Oh ho, the Ed-boy lectures Rolf with the tone of a hound with mange!" Rolf criticized as he and Nazz stopped beside the angry dwarf. "Should you not be extending the bow of humility before the son of a shepherd for saving your sheepskin from the yank-your-jank Kanker-girls?"

"Thanks for saving my punk a** from the Kankers or whatever," Eddy replied quickly before striking Marie's yellow teeth with the baseball. "I really mean that too, Rolfy boy. I'm just in a s*** mood right now is all so I wish you would shut the f*** up."

"Rolf is so pleased he will now commence to shut the fuck up," Rolf said unceremoniously.

"Aren't you gonna annoy me with a question too, Nazz?" Eddy asked as he tossed the baseball up and down, saving the hardest pitch he could manage for Lee's rotten grin.

"Yeah I totally got a question for you too," Nazz admitted bashfully. "Can I get a lick in?" she asked before extending her hand excitedly. For the first time that day, Eddy's scowl stretched into a maniacal grin.

"F*** yeah, go for it!" Eddy replied as he rolled the ball into her palm. He moved aside so Nazz could get on the pitcher's mound. "Aim for the d***-shriveling goblin in the middle-"

"Burn in Hell you carpet-munching bitches!" Nazz screamed before throwing the baseball so hard it vaporized the picture and punched a flaming chasm in the fence.

"Rolf awards streets-of-fire Nazz-girl ten back-to-back arm pit rubs!" Rolf proclaimed as Eddy stood there temporarily stunned and turned on by the void of fire where the poster once hung.

"Put them in my savings account, Rolf. I'll need those for a rainy day when I forget to put on deodorant one morning," Nazz replied as she confidently patted her hands together to dust off the Eddy germs from the baseball.

"Alright since you put me in a good mood, you guys get one more free question," Eddy slowly stated as he recovered from the carnage. "Just don't ask where I got that f***ing poster and we're square."

"What poster?" Nazz said before winking at Eddy and smugly jabbing a thumb at the hole in the fence.

"The one you just turned to f***ing atoms. You're outta free questions, so scam ya later!" Eddy replied before turning away.

"Come on, Eddy, we just wanna talk for like one minute!" Nazz said before laying a hand on Eddy's shoulder to stop his sullen retreat. He turned on his heel like a swivel to face her.

"As long as you don't take that hand off my shoulder, I'm all yours!" Eddy answered, desperate for the touch of a woman whose last name wasn't Kanker.

"Awesome! You're becoming a cooler person just by me touching you!" Nazz exclaimed. "I must have like, the Midas touch of cool or something!"

"Rolf shall ask the first question while you have the desperate-for-a-fondle Ed-boy under your witch's hex!" Rolf declared. "Rolf forgot to give Kevin a to-go trough of the spoils from this morning's feast! Have you seen the barf-bag-baby among the soulless structures of the Cul-De-Sac?" he asked as he presented a stewing bucket brimming with horse hooves and cow tongues.

"Do I look like the type of sap to hang around Kevin the f***head wonder?" Eddy asked, offended on principle by the question. "Isn't that red hat a**hole supposed to be crying into his pillow up in his room anyway?"

"Dude, even Ed is running around the neighborhood after his Mom grounded him and she scares the bejeezus out of him," Nazz responded bluntly. "So do you think that would stop Big K?"

"I know a few things that could stop Kevin for good," Eddy answered as he imagined Kevin getting pulverized by a freight train. "Why don't you try to pawn off your nasty soup to one of the other suckers we know? I bet if you handed Jonny a f***ing bendy straw he'd slurp that s*** down."

"Personally I'd love to see him force down Rolf's cooking, dude, but I definitely wouldn't trust the forbidden one with this," Nazz said before putting her free hand inside her pocket. Eddy briefly grinned hoping it was a love letter for him but instead she pulled out a switchblade perfect for slitting throats. "Kevin dropped his knife while he was busy heaving into Rolf's bathtub and we've been trying to return it to him ever since."

"Yes, and Rolf has no need to keep such a puny weapon! Even Rolf's butter knives could best it in a blood feud!" Rolf chimed in dismissively as fumes from the soup bucket sizzled his eyebrows off.

"S*** that thing will be better off in the wrong hands than the right ones!" Eddy said, realizing that hitting the Kankers with a gleaming blade would feel even better than hitting them with a baseball. "So put it where it belongs!" he demanded as he cupped out his hands.

"Do you seriously think I would hand over something that belongs to my best friend to you?" Nazz inquired.

"Not unless I had something to trade for it!" Eddy said before digging around in his pockets. He felt his wallet first, but even he didn't want to lie to himself and pretend there was anything inside of it. He felt a bunch of deflated balloon condoms, but he was saving those to scam Victor with when mating season came around. Finally he felt something that could work. "How does this grab ya, huh?" Eddy asked as he held up a red ball gag.

"D-Dude..." Nazz sputtered out. "I wish I had that like three hours ago to keep Rolf's food down! It's a deal, Eddy!" With that, the two exchanged items and an ecstatic Eddy gripped the knife in his hands as he felt power course through his veins.

"Club Ed appreciates your business!" Eddy exclaimed, not taking his eyes off his dangerous prize.

"I could probably use this the next time Kevin starts talking about his bike to quiet his sobs too!" Nazz fantasized as she squeezed the ball gag between her thumb and forefinger. "Speaking of sobs, dude, do you know why Ed and Double D are walking around like depressed zombies?" Eddy stopped drooling all over the switchblade and looked up as Nazz, the saliva on his chin congealing at the mere mention of the two friends he abandoned.

"F*** they didn't spill their guts to you and Rolf, did they?" Eddy asked, wishing to keep his reckless relationship decisions a secret for just a bit longer.

"The Ed-boys treated their emotions much like Rolf's chastity belt: locked tight with the key stuffed up their backsides!" Rolf replied before tapping the side of his pants to sound off a metallic clink.

"In that case, we all agreed to take a break from each other! Didn't want all the good times to get stale or some s***! Tears me up to hear they're taking it so hard but we all shook on it and everything!" Eddy lied like a fucking pro.

"Rolf is intrigued by this dare! Perhaps we should strike such an accord with Kevin, Nazz-girl, and spend a day in prayerful solitude!"

"How about we strike a deal to go look for Kevin by the Creek instead? I need to work on my tan for swim week anyway," Nazz suggested, remembering that she was too boring a character to carry a scene on her own. "But before we split, I want to make sure that you're going to totally return that knife to Kevin if you see him. Promise me?"

"F*** that I basically bought this thing from you," Eddy protested. Nazz put her other hand on Eddy's shoulder. "F*** yes I will totally return this knife to Kevin if I see him. Promise you."

"You're such a sweet man, Eddy. I knew I could count on you," Nazz said before removing her hands from Eddy's shoulders to release the spell of domination she had cast on him.

"To the swimming hole with us! Rolf is overjoyed that he will be able to finally see the water this time!" Rolf declared, thankful for the miracle of eyesight. The two friends then jetted off now that their obligatory filler scene was over.

"D*** it I bet the police are going to blame me for wrecking that fence too," Eddy complained as he glared over at Nazz's handiwork. He figured it was just more shit on the shit pile and shoved the knife into his pocket. He then decided it was high time to high tail it and move onto the next item on his admittedly lame bucket list.


Ed and Edd once again found themselves sitting on Nazz's porch like stray dogs. Although Edd enjoyed killing hours wasting away at their new found hang out spot, it wasn't helping them fix the mysterious problem they had with Eddy in the least. Ed on the other hand found the time useful to perfect his gig as a monitor lizard and stared motionless out into the Cul-De-Sac from his perch next to Edd. Neither of them had seen any of the other kids that day and Edd secretly hoped they had all pooled their money to move away to Lemon Brook so that he could give up and shelf his expertly crafted plan to befriend them. As if he could be that lucky.

"*Guffaws* do ya see any flies buzzing around double dee ahahaha betcha i can tag two at once with my tongue," Ed dared as he went wall-eyed to search for prey.

"There's never a shortage of them with you around," Edd joked weakly from beside Ed in his puddle of despair. "It would be a blessing if we could locate anyone else in our normally raucous Cul-De-Sac instead."

"*Guffaws* i know how to get them back to home base ahahaha," Ed replied before reaching into his jacket and drawing a Luger. "*Guffaws* i will send them an emergency transmission signal with this ahahaha shots fired shots fired"

"Where did you find that of all things?!" Edd panicked. "Was there a fire sale at the Peach Creek Gun Store and they didn't have time to run background checks?!"

"*Guffaws* i found it in ur room when you left me ahahaha good thing it was there to keep me company when u couldnt be bothered," Ed answered as he demonstrated his total lack of trigger discipline.

"While the thought of you blasting bullet holes into private property is exhilarating, I'm afraid I must intervene!" Edd responded before swiping the gun from Ed's hand. He disassembled the firearm in one quick motion and dropped the parts into a bush next to the porch. "There is no chance such a threatening tool of warfare could get us out of the pickle we find ourselves in."

"*Guffaws* there is no chance of foresight either ahahaha we should crash my pad and leap into some uno," Ed suggested now that he no longer had his patented lead dispenser to play with.

"Much like the rubbery hide of an incoming dodgeball, Uno puts me on edge," Edd replied. "I would've thought someone like you would rather dabble in a tabletop role-playing game!"

"*Guffaws* no offense double dee ahahaha but u would suck the fun right out of it"

"Ouch."

"*Guffaws* uno is the only way to forget life without eddy ahahaha take that truth and shove it"

"I suppose dominating you at a children's card game would ease my suffering as well. Perhaps after a few rounds of Uno, we can partake in six rounds of Russian Roulette as a painkiller," Edd replied as the two boys stood up from the ass-shaped impressions they had left on Nazz's porch. Abandoning their quest to return Eddy to his rightful place as their taskmaster felt wrong somehow, but Edd's moral compass was out of wack now that it was no longer placed under the testing pressure of Eddy's dubious schemes.


Eddy rubbed his distended belly before letting out a gurgle of pain. He was sitting on the sidewalk outside of the Candy Store with a pile of jawbreakers of every flavor imaginable resting beside him. Even though he didn't have a red cent to his name, he had managed to cash in his balloon condoms in exchange for as many sweets as he could carry. In the past he would be lucky to even catch a whiff of his favorite candy, but in recent years he hadn't even bothered with them after his old taste buds died off and were replaced with a taste for microwavable dinners instead. He thought finally taking a chance to suck on these succulent orbs would fill in the small place he managed to find in his tiny heart to squeeze in Ed and Edd.

At first it worked like a charm. The first jawbreaker that rolled across his tongue made him forget he even used to be a part of a trio. Once the sugar high began to die down, the ache of loneliness returned so he had to kill it again with a second jawbreaker. Better for but a moment then worse again. Third jawbreaker. Fourth. Eddy had lost count as sugar slowly replaced his white blood cells, clouding his brain.

Eddy stood up and pulled a sign post and marker out of his pocket. He scribbled on the blank wood placard before shoving it into the ground next to the jawbreakers. It wasn't worth enjoying these treats if his two only friends weren't there to add the spice of life to the moment. He trudged off sourly, leaving behind the mound of jawbreakers and the sign that read "Free Childhood Dreams" behind.


"*Guffaws* uno," Ed yelled from the middle of his bedroom floor, holding up his last red card in his hand. A mortified Edd sat across from him with his own small private deck of cards in his hand.

"Thank goodness no one is here to witness this," Edd whispered like a yellow-belly, wishing the whirring blade of a garbage disposal was pressed against his neck into so he could join his telephone in the great beyond.

"*Guffaws* ur little secret is safe with me ahahaha i wont tell anyone how i stomped you at x and o when we took a break from my uno win streak either," Ed comforted, pointing over to a disorderly stack of papers covered in Edd's horrifying losses at tic-tac-toe.

"Deal with it, Double D," Edd reassured himself quietly as he shuffled his Uno hand. "You're good at science. You're good at writing. You're good at math. Let Ed have this."

"*Guffaws* stop stalling chum ahahaha im callin out your last pathetic card"

"My Uno hand has no pathetic cards, Ed," Edd replied before finally making a decision and drawing from the wide selection of colorful pieces of cardboard in his fingers. "Just very useless ones." He slapped down a draw two card and sighed before resting his head on his hand for support. He needed it for Ed's latest victory dance in a long line of them.

"*Guffaws* lucky you its my unlucky day ahahaha i gotta draw," Ed admitted before taking a yellow card and a blue card from the deck between them.

"Oh joyous day, you now have three cards to my nine," Edd said sarcastically.

"*Guffaws* its not about the size of ur hand ahahaha but what you can do with it"

"My anatomy textbook suggests otherwise," Edd said halfheartedly, tempted to Forfeit the game on the spot like he had so many times before. The pair of Uno addicts cringed when they heard the front door bust open upstairs and shake the foundations of the house an inch out of place. "Oh my, I think your house is being robbed!'

"*Guffaws* too bad u tossed my big iron ahahaha since they didnt use the doorbell it must be eddy," Ed exclaimed before throwing aside his winning Uno hand and making for his bedroom door.

"Grind the gummed cogs of your mind for once in your life, Ed!" Edd pleaded before grabbing hold of the back of Ed's jacket and being dragged across the floor like a dry mop. "What reason would Eddy have to suddenly break out of his rut and come to your house?!"

"*Guffaws* the smell of uno in the air could break any man double dee ahahaha now unhand mine jacket stinky hatted villain," Ed retorted before whipping his body to the side and sending Edd flying into the pile of tic-tac-toe sheets so he could taste his own defeat. Ed then threw open his door and used his tongue as a grappling hook to fly out of the basement since the stairs had been torn asunder with a jackhammer by his dad. He skidded to a halt half-way through his living room when he spotted Sarah standing in front of the ruined entrance of his house. "*Guffaws* wow eddy nice sarah costume ahahaha now do your best angry sister voice"

"Ed, do you know who I'm going to blame for this mess?" Sarah asked as she scowled at him and pointed to the battered door frame behind her.

"*Guffaws* not bad but u gotta work ur vocal chords more eddy ahahaha now you have to blame me or the impression doesnt work"

"Myself of course!" Sarah said sweetly as a gaggle of colorful woodland animals did jazz hands from the doorway.

"*Guffaws* wow you suck at this eddy ahahaha u bring shame to tattletales everywhere," Ed replied as he watched Sarah stomp over to their coffee table and head butt it in half. "*Guffaws* are u gonna blame urself for that too"

"I'm the one who did it so I should enjoy all the blame, big brother!" Sarah answered before touching the sides of her now rosy cheeks. She then skipped over to Ed and looked up at him before fluttering her eyelashes.

"*Guffaws* now im scared ahahaha sarah i dont wanna play this game anymore," Ed said in concern before shielding his face with his arms. "*Guffaws* start the game over screen ahahaha stop pretending you are nice." Sarah's demeanor almost cracked when she realized Ed's well of foolishness only ran but so deep.

"I can't stop if I'm not pretending, silly billy bo willy!" Sarah replied before cartwheeling over to a potted plant and spin kicking it into the wall to shatter it to pieces. "That one is on me too! The only way I stop now is if I croak from doing this or Mom kills me!"

"*Guffaws* u have gone rogue sarah ahahaha mom will hand u a rope and make u hang urself in our front yard as a warning to da neighbors," Ed protested, his protective instincts overriding his urge to enjoy watching Sarah finally go balls-to-the-walls crazy. "*Guffaws* wut are u trying to prove ahahaha that gravity exists"

"I'm trying to prove myself to you, Ed! Spending yesterday with Jonny made me realize that having a stupid big brother isn't a stupid big deal after all!" Sarah admitted as she wrapped her arms around herself and squeezed while wobbling from side to side. "What do you say we stuff our faces in the kitchen together like a loving brother and sister should!" she suggested as she felt her ribs crack.

"*Guffaws* oh boy eating stuff ahahaha my favorite past time," Ed replied, a bit of hesitation still wavering in his voice. "*Guffaws* i will join you in the diner for some grub ahahaha but first i have to go to my room and punch myself in the face to make sure this is real." The boy buzzed back to his room while Sarah did ballerina spins in the living room. Ed hated to leave when there was so much house destroying action going on, but he needed a reality check from someone who actually lived in reality like Edd. He stopped at the door down to the basement when he spotted his hot nerd friend curled up in front of the dryer.

"Oh no the visions are starting again! I can see Ed's ghost watching me from the pearly gates of heaven above!" Edd cried before pulling a pair of Ed's underwear from the dryer over his head. "Sarah has finally done the unthinkable and committed fratricide! And I'm next!"

"*Guffaws* unthinkable my stinky bum ahahaha i bet she thinks about that all the time," Ed laughed.

"Oh thank the lord, you're not a phantom after all!" Edd said in relief before removing the tighty-whities from his noggin. "So it must have been Eddy after all! That's the only explanation for why you're not laying in a dozen gory pieces strewn across your living room!"

"*Guffaws* or ur plan to turn sarah into a alcoholic worked after all ahahaha dad is gonna be stoked," Ed replied as he teetered over the ledge to his basement.

"That would be a soothing thought! We have to be sure of it so take this breathalyzer and have your sister blow into it!" Edd commanded as he pulled one out from underneath his hat and tossed it up to Ed, who caught it between his teeth. "Then we can be sure that her days of abusing you instead of her liver are finally behind us!"

"*Guffaws* u can count on me double dee ahahaha she will huff and puff and blow a dui," Ed answered before leaving to administer the test.

"This one is Eddy!" Sarah sung to herself as she bent a butter knife out of shape and sat it next to a bowl of Chunky Puffs at the kitchen table. "This one is Double D!" she said as she bent a fork and sat it next to the knife. "And this one is Ed!" she said as she bent a spoon so hard it turned into a spork.

"*Guffaws* now ur making utensil dolls out of us ahahaha i will grab a spatula so u can make a sarah doll too," Ed offered as he walked into the kitchen. Sarah beamed at him before using her handmade spork to awkwardly shove a wad of Chunky Puffs into her mouth.

"You're always looking out for me, big brother! Let me look out for you instead and make you some food!" Sarah said before dropping the spork and back flipping into the air and onto a toaster. She flattened it with her feet, sending a pair of steaming pieces of bread shooting out. She tucked and rolled across the tiled floor before flying to her feet and kneeing the fridge. A tub of butter flew out into her hands and then she dashed back to the table and grabbed the twisted butter knife. She used it to fling two dabs of butter onto the airborne toast before dropping the butter tub and leaping like a panther into the air. She spread the creamy butter across the toast while zooming beside it and then tossed the knife aside before grabbing hold of the toast. "Eat up, Ed!" she cried as she flew toward his face and stuffed the buttered toast into his mouth. She landed gracefully in front of him and did a curtsy.

"*Guffaws* that was the most exciting five seconds of my day ahahaha if only i had sum gravy to wash it down too," Ed said when suddenly Sarah lifted a golden chalice filled with bubbling gravy up to him. "*Guffaws* ur power is off da charts ahahaha ur training is now complete," Ed complimented before downing the gravy chalice to wash down the buttered toast.

"See the great things I can do now that I suddenly decided to use my powers for good!" Sarah boasted as she yanked on her ear rings to dull the sound of her racing heartbeat in her wax canals.

"*Guffaws* i am proud to have a baby sister that doubles as a food ninja ahahaha now can u blow on this to test ur mettle," Ed replied before sticking a breathalyzer down toward Sarah, who now had a crazy look in her eyes.

"We don't need to waste valuable girly crap time with that dumb old thing!" Sarah began before taking the breathalyzer from Ed and crushing it between her palms. "I am definitely not in a drunken stupor right now! Check dad's liquor cabinet if you don't believe me!"

"*Guffaws* time for da back up test ahahaha say something nice about me"

"You put the Ed in I'm fed up with this! I'll be up in my room tearing my bed sheets in half if you need me, lovable big brother!" Sarah said quickly as the sweat droplets on her forehead evaporated from the build up of wrath she was holding back. She grabbed the bowl of Chunky Puffs from the table and dumped its contents over her head to cool off before rushing out of the kitchen.

"*Guffaws* time to deliver the good news to the paperboy ahahaha," Ed said before walking off toward his room. He found Edd hanging on for dear life at the door frame of his basement.

"Don't mind me, I'm simply trying to make my great escape from this hole in the ground," Edd said as his weak fingers struggled to keep him aloft. "Hearing that Sarah is wearing a pair of beer goggles might give me the strength to finally pull myself up however!"

"*Guffaws* my dad owns the only pair in this house ahahaha," Ed answered before grabbing Edd's hands and tossing him into the hallway. "*Guffaws* sarah fed me a meal only fit for royalty ahahaha we can cross problem number one from ur math homework"

"And what of my breathalyzer?" Edd asked as he sat up from the carpet.

"*Guffaws* u could say its gone to a better place ahahaha"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to conduct my own experiment in person before we can give a passing grade to this equation!" Edd declared before reaching into his pocket and retrieving a brush. "Your sister isn't aware of my presence, so I shall pretend that I'm paying you a visit and tempt her with this lovely hat-brushing device!"

"*Guffaws* i always wondered how u got the threads to feel so silky smooth ahahaha i will wait here where there is nothing shiny to distract me"

"Splendid! While I'm away, please take a moment to arrange my funeral in case things go awry!" Edd stated before leaving Ed to calculate how many pallbearers would be needed to carry the coffin that contained Edd's gigantic brain. Edd sneaked into the living room and spotted the gaping hole where the front door used to be. "I'd be surprised if that doorbell still worked," he complained before scratching his chin. "Hello, is anyone home! No?! I suppose I'll just walk right in then!" he called out.

"Double D! It's always a treat too sweet to see you!" Sarah answered his call when she appeared behind him. Edd spun around and struck a defensive position. She stood there unblinking with her hands cupped in front of her.

"Ah so someone is home!" Edd quickly said as he recovered.

"Two someones! Innocent me and oblivious Ed!" Sarah answered before rapidly backing up to the wall, snatching a picture frame from it, and breaking it on top of her skull. "Was there something you needed, good friend of my good brother?"

"Some medication for the dementia I'm rapidly developing for starters," Edd said before holding up the brush. "Outside of medical care, I've come to return this brush to Ed!

"Did my goofy big brother steal that from Nazz?" Sarah questioned blissfully before sidestepping to grab a vacuum cleaner and break it over her kneecap.

"Thankfully not! I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but it's actually a present for you!" Edd claimed as he cracked a smile. "Wasn't that thoughtful of him?"

"My big bubbly brother remembered!" Sarah cheered before hopping like a bunny up to Edd. She snatched the brush from his hand and prepared to rip it to shreds but stopped when she got a closer look. "Actually, this is a nice brush so it can stay in one piece," she said flatly as she ran her fingers through its bristles.

"Could I also trouble you by asking if I may see Ed? I know he's grounded but-" Edd began when Sarah grabbed him by the lips and held his face an inch from hers.

"Double D, you don't have to say another word! I already let Ed fly the coop once without telling Mom, she doesn't have to know about this either!" Sarah replied before whistling an ode to joy. "Go hang out with my brother who I thank God every night is still in good health!" She then pried her fingers from his lips and danced away while breaking every piece of furniture she passed by.

"*Guffaws* is it safe to enter the scene now ahahaha," Ed asked as he peeked out from the hallway with the number of a funeral home from the yellow pages in his hand.

"I don't think it was ever a dangerous scene for you in the first place! It really seems that instead of taking her rage out on you, Sarah has wisely chosen to take it out on inanimate objects that feel no pain!" Edd observed gleefully. "Oh, I knew the intricate ways of calculus would not fail me! My plan really has worked!"

"*Guffaws* let us top off the gravy chalice and toast to sweet victory ahahaha," Ed celebrated before eating the number for the funeral home. "*Guffaws* or we can grab sarah and do gravy shots ahahaha either way you guys can pick up my tab"

"Bathing my esophagus in gravy can wait! Besides, we can't come on too strongly to Sarah or she may once again choose to violently violate our prostrates!" Edd recommended when suddenly he felt a pressure in his pelvis. "This talk of internal organs has awoken my bladder so I must hit the little nerds' room!"

"*Guffaws* u can use my bathroom double dee ahahaha its finally up to your standards"

"There's a first time for everything I suppose!" Edd answered before trudging off to clear his urinary tract.