Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.
Warning: This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Slash.
Summary: Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Slash.
Chapter 46: Out of Control
Harry rolled over and sighed. He luxuriated in the warm fuzzy feeling of being somewhere between awake and asleep. He wasn't on the lumpy bed on Private Drive anymore, and he wasn't on a stone floor either. This bed was soft and cozy and felt like one giant hug. He opened his eyes slowly and had to squint from the sun coming in. A smile couldn't help but pull at his lips. He was at Grimmauld place in the room that Sirius had designed for him.
He sat up and stretched. The photos of James and Lily smiled back at him, and for the first time he felt worthy of them. He didn't know how he had gotten from sleeping on the ballroom floor to his bedroom, but he didn't care. He and Draco were alive; everything else was just details.
Someone had healed all the cuts on his arms and torso. He was remarkably pain free. For the first time in years he didn't have a headache. Harry felt like he had been reborn, and maybe in a sense he had.
There was a creak and Harry turned to see Remus coming through the door. His hair was frayed and greasy, and big bags were under his eyes.
"You're awake!" Said Remus "I was starting to think that we would have to celebrate your birthday without you."
Harry sat up slowly in bed. He felt amazing, but moving took such effort. "What day is it?"
"July 14th." Said Remus, "You've been sleeping for 3 days."
"Voldemort?"
"Dead. Albus took the body, just to be sure." Remus was giving him a broad smile. Some life was coming into his drawn face.
Harry nodded. That was what he had thought, but he had needed it confirmed. Voldemort was dead. It was an earth shattering fact. What would his life even look like without being hunted? No extra defense classes, or nightmares or inevitable end of year battles. It was a chance to be normal like he had never had before. It was a chance to have free time for once. Lords, what would he do with all that free time?
Remus stuck his head out of the door. "Harry's awake!"
There was no yell back or sound of footsteps. Harry gave Remus a questioning look, but Remus's smile just got bigger. He charged into the room, sat down on the end of Harry's bed and pulled him into a fierce hug.
"I'm so glad you're okay. You had me quite worried." Said Remus. "No one was sure about the necromancy process, even Draco. Do you feel alright?"
"I feel amazing. Just a little tired still and a bit heavy? It's hard to explain. But really really good. Honestly."
"Which means, " Said a snarky voice from the door. "You can finally take a shower. The washing spells only work so well and I can smell you from here. "
Harry turned to see Snape leaning against the door jam. He looked as annoyed as always,yet somehow looked ten years younger as well. His face was less drawn and the bags under his eyes had disappeared. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up and his clothes were wrinkled as if he had been lazing about in them.
Snape raised an eyebrow at him. "It seems you survived again, Potter."
"What are you doing here?" Said Harry "I didn't take you for the type to sit by bedsides."
Remus laughed. "Well, Albus appointed me your temporary guardian for the next two weeks until you turn seventeen. Except...the full moon is in those two weeks and you know how the ministry is, so Severus volunteered to share guardianship with me."
"Bad luck." Said Harry, "Even after the bastard's dead you're stuck with me."
Snape's eyes evaluated him. Harry was sure they didn't miss anything, from the way Harry was sitting, to the mess of his hair. "I find myself not as bothered by the prospect of being stuck with you as I have been in the past. It has not been altogether unpleasant. And it will be significantly more pleasant once Lupin showers. You both stink."
Harry looked back at Snape and felt strangely outside of his own body. From Snape that was about as big a declaration of love as he would get. When he had started Hogwarts he never would have believed that Snape would be one of the people most important to him, but yet, it was true. It felt right to have Snape and Remus there with him; his mother and father's best friends. They both were like family to him now, fighting in a war together had created a bond like none other.
"I'm glad you're here too." Said Harry, suddenly feeling a bit weepy. His eyes tingled. It was too much to take in. Voldemort was dead, and he was going to spend his summer at Grimmauld place, and he had a surrogate family of sorts. The tears spilled over.
"Hey now, none of that. You'll set me off." Said Remus with a watery smile.
Harry saw that even Snape's eyes looked glassy and the man gulped.
"It's just a lot to process." Harry said, looking down at his knees. "Voldemort's dead."
Remus took his hands. "He's dead. And most of the Death Eaters were rounded up by Devereaux and the Order. You're safe."
Harry gulped. He almost didn't want to ask, but he had to know. "So, if you're my guardians that must mean that the Dursleys….?"
"They are dead." Said Snape evenly. He took 5 swift steps into the room, made a chair materialize from seemingly nowhere and sat down next to the bed.
"Right." Harry's throat felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. He supposed his family had been right about him in the end; he had been a danger to them. "I kinda figured."
Remus squeezed his hands.
"Did anyone else die in the battle?"
Snape and Remus exchanged a look.
"Terry Boot,Tracey Davis and Colin Creevy died." Said Snape after a long pause. "Ms. Parkinson, and Mr. Zabini were badly injured and we are waiting for more information from Saint Mungo's. Those are the ones you probably knew best. There are others who were injured, but have recovered by now. You were one of the last to wake."
Harry sucked in a breath. Terry, Tracey and Colin were dead. He had been naive to think they would escape the war without anyone dying. What had Tracey even been doing there? She had been in the safe house- the whole point of which was to keep people away from the war.
"Why were the people from the safe house there?" Said Harry, angerly. "They didn't want to fight, that was the whole point."
"They insisted." Said Remus. "When you sent out your message, Pansy panicked. She told everyone, and they all decided they wanted to help you. They were all so thankful of how you had helped them, and wanted to repay the favor."
"The ex-death eater from the battle at Hogwarts proved very useful." Said Snape. "He knew where the Dark Lord's headquarters were and was able to give us the layout of the house. Apparently it was the old Riddle manor. Without him, we may not have found you."
Harry sighed. "It wasn't supposed to be like that. They were supposed to be safe. I promised them safety."
"And in return you earned their loyalty." Said Snape. "And now, because of them and you, the wizarding world is a safer place."
"I saw you kill Pettigrew." Said Harry, glancing between the two men.
Remus's eyes grew dark. "It was a long time coming."
"Maybe if I had let you and Sirius kill him in the Shrieking Shack in the first place none of this would have happened." Said Harry, mad at himself.
"Don't do that." Remus reached up a hand and turned Harry's chin to face him. "You did everything right, and we won. Voldemort's dead. You should be happy."
Harry licked his lips. He didn't know how to explain the twisted up feeling in his gut. He was happy. He was happy that Voldemort was dead, and that Draco and he had survived an impossible situation. He was happy that so many people had lived through the battle. But he was also sad. The Durlesy's were dead, and Tracey and Terry and Colin. And Pansy was injured beyond what they knew, and he had promised Zabini he wouldn't get him killed. It just all felt wrong. The happiness and relief he felt, just felt tainted with their blood.
"How is Draco? And Lucius? and Narcissa?"
"They are fine." Said Snape, he was giving Harry that evaluating look again. "Draco did not want to leave your side, but we kicked him out after 24 hours to get some sleep, with a promise to contact then when you woke."
"In fact, I'm going to do that right now." Said Remus, standing up and stretching. "I'll also floo Molly. I've almost had to report Ron and Hermione for harassment."
Harry blinked tiredly at the spot he had vacated. How was he so exhausted after sleeping for 3 days straight? His arms felt like bricks and his eyes felt heavy.
"No visitors right yet, Lupin." Said Snape "Potter, looks like he's about to fall asleep."
"I'm okay." Said Harry trying to sit up straighter. He wanted to see Draco, Ron and Hermione.
"No." Said Snape firmly, "You need to eat and then get back to sleep. Coming back from the dead is not something to play around with. Dobby!"
There was a pop and an over exuberant house elf appeared in front of them. "Yes, Mr. Snape sir?"
"Harry requires lunch. Please fix him something simple."
Dobby looked like he just about jumped out of his skin in excitement. "Mr. Harry Potter sir is awake! He who-"
Snape was not in the mood."He who has not eaten a proper meal in 3 days. He requires food. now."
"Yes, Sir! Right away sir! I'll make the bestest meal for Harry Potter sir. No expense will be spared!" With a pop Dobby disappeared.
Snape's lip twisted in disgust. "Ever since that house elf heard about you being in danger he has refused to leave. Perhaps once he is satisfied with your recovery we can get some peace from his incessant hero worship."
Harry smiled up at him sleepily. "I always liked Dobby."
"Only you would like such a demented house elf, Potter."
"Harry."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Call me Harry." His cheeks pinked. "You've more than earned the right to call me by my first name and you're my guardian now, so…"
"Very well, Harry it is." Snape's eyes were hooded. He pulled out his wand and waved it over his new ward.
Harry felt a whoosh of fresh air and a tingling in his mouth. It was followed by another blast of cool air that left his skin feeling as if he had just come out of a long shower. The blankets also got a refreshing spell that made the sheets feel crisp and clean. "Wow. Thanks."
"The spells will not last long after so many days, but you can wash when you next wake." Said Snape. "Focus on eating your meal and resting for now."
As if on cue a tray of food popped into existence on Harry's lap. Harry looked down at the small table over his legs and couldn't help but be impressed. There was a lovely looking soup, some cheese and crusty looking bread. Dobby had also made a fruit salad and put a small vase of flowers in the corner. The smells made his stomach groan in excitement.
Remus came back into the room as Harry began to tuck in. "I just spoke with Narcissa. Draco is visiting Pansy right now, but she will pass on the message that Harry is awake when he gets back. She did tell me that Pansy has taken a turn for the better and she is communicating a bit again. Molly wanted to come round right away to see you, but I held her off."
Harry chewed on his bread slowly. "Will Pansy make a full recovery?"
"We don't know yet." Said Remus gently. "She was held under cruciatus for a long time and may have some cognitive difficulties long term."
"I can help heal her." Harry said, speeding up his eating.
"No." Snape sounded like Harry was about to add a dangerous ingredient to a potion and blow them all up. "You are not yet recovered yourself. You will not leave this bed, until we say so."
Harry scoffed. No one had ever taken care of him when he was sick except maybe Madame Pomfrey, but that was her job. He was hardly even sick, just a little sleepy. "Excuse me? Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?!"
"As you just pointed out, I am your guardian." Said Snape, voice twice as sharp as it had been a moment before. "You will do as we say or I will spell you to that bed. I don't care how brilliant a healer you think you are, you are untrained and without any energy. You could cause Miss Parkison and yourself further harm."
Harry rolled his eyes. "I just healed Voldemort. I think I can-"
"And doing so got you killed." Cut in Remus. "The only person you will be healing is yourself, by staying in bed and resting."
Harry gaped at Remus. He had never seen him so strict. Snape smirked. "I'm fine. I'm-"
"You died." Repeated Remus. "Don't you think that deserves a few days rest?"
"I'm fine." protested Harry. "Honestly, I'm just a little tired."
"Harry," Said Snape in such an earnest voice that it made him freeze. "You don't know what it did to Lupin to see you like that, to think that- You don't know what it did to us all. You will rest and do as you're told."
Harry could hear Snape's unsaid words 'you don't know what it did to me.' He gulped. In all his past adventures, it had never been like this. No one besides Ron and Hermione had ever really cared, and even then it had been back to usual within a few days. There were exams to be done or packing for the summer vacation or just general moving on. No one had dwelled. They hadn't had the time to. It had always been the unwritten rule that he was to pull it together and get on with it. Even as a kid, The Dursley's would have Harry do his chores through illness or injury. There was never time to rest, and that was how all the adults seemed to prefer it. But Remus and Snape seemed to want him to do something completely different.
"Okay." Harry heard himself saying "Okay. I'll rest. But if she's still in a bad way when I'm better, maybe I can help heal her then?"
"We'll talk about that if, or when, the time comes." Said Remus. "But you're to focus on yourself now."
"Alright." Said Harry, partially because he had to figure out a new strategy and partially because the feeling of deep exhaustion was starting to settle over him again. He felt like any moment he could fall asleep in his soup.
"Eat the rest of your food and then get some rest." Ordered Snape.
And, too tired to protest anymore, that's exactly what he did.
Harry slept for most of the day. He managed one short shower and a few small meals in between long naps, but nothing else. He suspected they had put some kind of spell on him because Remus or Snape always appeared moments after he woke to push more food on him, adjust his pillows and generally fuss. He had never pictured Snape as the fussy sort, but the man was even more exacting than Remus in his push for Harry's comfort. Occasionally, Dobby would appear and set to work changing the sheets or making him drink. It felt strange, but also nice. Maybe this was how Dudley had felt when Aunt Petunia had fallen all over herself every time he was sick. The thought gave him a pang in his chest. Neither Dudley nor Aunt Petunia were here anymore to tell him.
HPHPHPHPHP
Something was gripping his arm. There was screaming. He pushed away and tried to feel for his wand. Where was his wand? He needed to save Draco. Voldemort was coming and-
Harry's eyes opened to see Snape over him, trying to shake him awake. The sound of his breathing took up all the space in the room.
"You were having a nightmare." Said Snape, looking concerned. "Take this."
Harry took the potion and downed it in one gulp. It tasted awful but he immediately felt himself relax. "Sorry."
"Are you okay?" He had never seen such open concern on Snape's face before.
Harry looked down. "You're all dressed up. Going somewhere?"
For the past 2 days Snape had been dressed unsettlingly casually. He had never pegged his potions teacher as a t-shirt man, but apparently when he wasn't working that was exactly what Snape liked to wear. But now he was dressed in long black robes again. They were different then his teaching robes, nice material and more formal overall.
"Yes." Snape's eyes bore into the top of his head. "I am going to Tracey Davis's memorial. It starts in half an hour."
Harry sucked in a breath. "I'm coming too."
"I don't think that's such a good idea." Snape's voice sounded...gentle. "You still need to rest. You have only been awake for one full day."
"She was my friend." Said Harry fiercely. "I rested all yesterday and I'll rest more when I get back, but she was my friend. I need to go. I listened to you about not healing Pansy, but this is different. I need to go. She was my friend and she died because she wanted to save me."
Harry threw back the blankets and sat up. Snape looked as if he was waring with himself. His eyes were assessing Harry and his body was tense.
"Please." Whispered Harry quietly, feeling his voice catch.
Snape raised his wand and Harry braced to be stuck to the bed. Instead he just felt the familiar rush of air from the cleaning spells.
"Very well, then." Said Snape. "But you need to get dressed quickly and we will leave the second the memorial is over."
"Okay." Said Harry, a little surprised that Snape had listened. "What should I wear? I think I still have my dress robes from 4th year at the bottom of my trunk somewhere…"
"Dobby."
The house elf popped into existence. "Retrieve my extra set of dress robes for Harry and tell Lupin that Harry is coming to the memorial."
Dobby bowed deeply and disappeared with a loud crack. Before Harry had a chance to collect himself the house elf re-appeared with the dress robes, lay them on the bed and poofed out of existence. Harry reached out and ran his fingers along the silk robes. They were in a simple style in deep deep back, but the cut and luster of them gave away their quality.
"Get dressed. The memorial is set to start in 20 minutes now." Snape said, "I'll wait for you outside."
The door burst open to reveal Remus, looking frazzled. He was also in his dress robes, but they were significantly more shabby than Snapes. "Harry, what do you think you are doing? Dobby told me you're going to Tracey's memorial? Well you are most certainly not. You need to be resting! You-"
"Lupin." Snape's voice was as sharp as any potions class with the Gryffindors. "Might I have a word in the hall while Potter gets dressed?"
Remus opened his mouth, snapped it shut, shook his head and opened it again. "Did you not just hear me? Harry is not-"
"Outside, Lupin." Hissed Snape, as he all but shoved Remus from the room.
Judging by the abrupt end to the raised voices someone had hurriedly cast a Silencio. Harry squared his shoulders. He didn't know why Snape was helping him, but he wasn't going to waste the opportunity. Tracey had left the safe house to save him; the least he could do was give his respects to her family.
When Remus and Snape re-entered the room a few minutes later Harry was dressed and trying to get his hair to lay flat. His arms felt like rubber and he could already feel himself tiring.
Snape gave him an evaluating look, cast a shrinking charm to make the robe shorten a little bit and then nodded. "Let's go, Potter."
Harry glanced at Remus. His jaw was set and his arms were crossed, but he nodded his assent. Harry dropped his shoulders in relief. He wasn't sure he had the strength to argue with Remus.
"Come on we need to get going, if we don't want to be late." Said Remus.
"Thanks." Said Harry. "You know, for not fighting me."
Remus relaxed his arms and his lip twitched up wards. "I'm always on your side Harry. Whatever you need."
"I-" Harry closed his eyes. They felt heavy. Everything about him felt heavy. "Thanks."
Snape motioned them forward and Harry followed robotically. It was like his feelings were so loud that he had muted them. It took all his energy to keep one foot moving in front of the other; he didn't have space to feel. He silently admitted to himself that he probably shouldn't be going out. He just hoped that his exhaustion didn't read on his face. He moved on autopilot through the floo. Harry curled on the floor when it spat him out, and only roused himself when he felt Remus's hands on his back. He followed Snape in a daze. He didn't recognize anything in the house they walked through.
They turned a corner, stepped through the doors and into a beautiful field. Harry came to an abrupt stop upon seeing all the people there. Had the whole wizarding world come to her funeral? He could see rows of chairs and more than a few photographers. Among the crowd were some of his classmates and teary strangers in black.
"We can go back if you want." Whispered Remus behind him. "You're in control here Harry. We can leave at any time."
Harry shook his head. "It's fine. Just didn't realise so many people would be here."
He steeled his shoulders and moved forward. It was like he was moving through molasses, but he would not stop. They walked closer to the chairs. Harry scanned for something near the back...
"Mr. Potter!"
He turned and sucked in a breath. Tracey's father was standing before him. The man looked like he had been chewed up and spit back out again. His rich robes couldn't hide the devastation on his face. He looked like he had aged 10 years since Harry had seen him leave for the safe house a few weeks ago.
"Mr. Dravis. I'm so so sorry for your loss." Said Harry
He reached out and took Harry's hand. "The Prophet said you were in a coma. I'm so glad you could come. She would have been honored to have you here. Tracey thought very highly of you Mr. Potter. She respected you a tremendous amount. She told me about your courage and selflessness. It's one of the reason's we trusted you to hide us this summer."
Harry swallowed back his emotions. He hadn't known that Tracey thought of him like that. They had been friends for the past year, but they hadn't been terribly close. He had hardly spoken to her more than a handful of times before 6th year. As the year had gone on he had come to consider his Ingenium class like a small family. They had spent every Friday afternoon together playing games and complaining about all the work Snape assigned. And now that group was down two people. He would never again hear Terry's snort of laughter or Tracey's sharp wit.
"I woke up yesterday. Tracey was a good friend, I wouldn't miss this." Harry stumbled over the words. "I thought very highly of her too."
Mr. Davis beamed back at him. "Well you must sit up front with us."
"Oh I- um-" Harry looked toward the chairs. The walk alone would do him in. He didn't want to be seen, he just wanted to pay his respects and leave. Unfortunately, the photographers were already taking pictures. He could see what looked like reporters standing nearby with pads of paper that suspiciously looked like quick notes quills. "I couldn't do that, that's for family. I'll just grab a seat in the back."
"Nonsense!" Mr. Davis looked dismayed at the very thought. "You'll sit up front with us. Professor Snape and your other friend are welcome to join us. Maybe you could even say a few words? I know that Tracey would have liked that."
"Ummm." Harry glanced helplessly at Remus and Snape. Where was Snape's snark when he needed it? The reporters were hovering. They seemed to be holding back respectfully as long as he was talking with Mr. Davis, but he was sure they would pounce the second he left. "I guess I could sit with you, but I don't think I should-"
Mr. Davis took him by the arm and began to lead him up the aisle toward the front of the ceremony. Remus and Snape fell into step beside them. Snape flawlessly took over conversation with Mr. Davis. Harry tried to remind himself to breathe as Snape talked about what an amazing student Tracey had been. They were surrounded by people on all sides. Most of the people had already been seated and were turning to look at them walk to the front. Luckily, the reporters held back. He looked out into the crowd and was surprised to see a swatch of bright blonde hair. Were the Malfoy's here? Harry craned his neck, but they had already moved past and there was no way he could look inconspicuously.
Remus leaned in close. "You, okay?"
"Umm…" Harry shook his head. "Just tired. It's...It's a lot."
"Remember we can leave any time." Whispered Remus.
Harry looked between Remus and Mr. Davis pointedly. He didn't think Tracey's father felt the same way, and hurting him would be the last thing he wanted.
At the front they found Mrs. Davis hugging someone and crying into a handkerchief.
Mr. Davis pushed Harry forward. "Eileen, Harry Potter is here."
The woman looked up at him. Tears shimmered in her eyes and her exhaustion looked like it could match Harry's. Her hair was the same shade as Tracey's and her mouth had the same turn of the lips.
"I'm so so sorry for your loss, mam." Said Harry as solemnly as he could
That seemed to have been the wrong thing to say because she burst into even more frantic sobs. The person next to her pulled her into a hug. Harry again glanced at Remus and Snape unsure what to do. He had always been bad around crying girls, even at the best of times, and he desperately didn't want to miss-step.
"Tracey would have been so honored to have you Mr. Potter." She said, echoing her husband. "Please sit with us."
Mr. Davis ushered them over so that they were seated next to him on the other side of his wife. Harry all but fell into the chair. His arms felt like boulders. With a gesture from Mr. Davis the ceremony began.
Harry let the sadness and the pain of it all wash over him. There was a beautiful musical performance followed by a speech from her brother. Harry hadn't even known Tracey had a brother. He was older than Tracey by at least four years and struggled to get through his speech. Harry closed his eyes and let the tears fall when he described the fondness he had for his little sister and how he had promised to always protect her.
The next part of the ceremony made Harry feel prickles all over; Someone was carrying in her body. She was dressed in a soft white robe with flowers in her hair. Her arm lay limp as they placed her down on a large marble slab. It fell at an awkward angle and Harry twitched to fix it. She didn't look comfortable. But the man who had carried her in arranged her carefully and fixed it so that she looked like she was sleeping. Tracey's parents went forward. They hugged her. Smoothed back her hair. Spoke soft words of love. It made Harry feel like he was dead again and floating above himself. It made him feel coldness and nothingness and everything all at once.
With a final whispered word to the officiant Mr. and Mrs. Davis retreated back to their chairs. The grim looking man waved his wand and the cold marble slab exploded into a white light filled with lilacs. Everything shimmered. And then Harry was staring at the frigid white of a marble casket.
"Lilacs were always her favorite." Whispered Mr. Davis, before succumbing to his grief.
Harry didn't dare to move.
"And now I am told we have a bit of a suprise speaker, but one who Tracey would have been honored to have here today. Mr. Potter, please come forward."
It took a moment for Harry's mind to untangle what had just been said. He had been too wrapped in his nothingness, in his never ending black hole, to comprehend that he was being asked to give a speech. He glanced at the sobbing Mr and Mrs. Davis. He wanted to say no. He wanted to tell them that he had not agreed to this, but the words of Mr. Davis echoed in his head "Tracey thought very highly of you Mr. Potter. She respected you a tremendous amount. She told me about your courage and selflessness."
"Harry-" Remus whispered
Harry stood. "It's okay. I can-I can do it. I'll say something..."
He could almost hear the rebuke in Remus's stare, but the man must also have been stilled by the grief of Tracey's parents, and on this day they got whatever they wanted-not matter what.
Harry moved through force of will and adrenaline. This had been too much. His body was screaming at him. But his guilt was screaming louder. He took to the platform and was glad when the officiant moved from the podium. The wood was smooth and unforgiving as he gripped it.
"Hello, everyone." Said Harry tentatively. To his surprise his voice echoed throughout the clearing. The podium must have a sonorous charm on it. The field was full of people. Definitely more than a hundred people. Maybe even more than 300. Harry shifted from foot to foot. He had never been very good at public speaking, even when he had a chance to prepare for a class presentation. What did people even say when a sixteen year old died? "Tracey and I were friends. We didn't talk much before this year really but we both got put in Ingenium together and we got to know each other a lot."
He paused and looked toward Mr. and Mrs. Davis, thinking. " I am honored to have called her a friend. She was smart and funny, and helped me trounce Draco Malfoy at chess more than a few times."
The crowd gave a half chuckle. Harry blinked and tried to think of something else to say. He looked to his right. Her casket was there, so close that he could reach out and touch it. Harry shook his head. He felt hot under the sun and the heavy dress robes.
"Tracey shouldn't be dead right now. That's the truth of it. At the end of summer I put her in a safe house and she was meant to be there, staying well away from any fighting. I mean what the hell was she even doing out of the damn safe house?" Harry heard his voice crack as if from a distance. He reached out a hand and his fingers brushed cold marble. He pulled it back as if burned.
"But I mean of course she didn't stay there. Of course not. I mean she was a fighter. She may have seemed all schemey and Slytherin and not right out-with-it but Tracey was ...principled. She wanted to fight for something. She was loyal and kind and did the right thing. She heard I was in trouble and came running. And so that's why she was there. She had to fight because she wanted to do the right thing, and the Ministry was sitting on their arse waiting for 16 year olds to do their dirty work. So, she stepped up to help, even though she was scared."
Huh. Tears were running down his cheeks. Harry couldn't stop talking now. It was as if something had possessed him. He needed to get it all out and needed them to understand.
"And she just wanted to protect me, even though I was supposed to protect her. She wanted to help me and look where it got her. I mean really, I should be the dead one, but no someone so kind and helpful and loyal had to die to save me! I mean it's what we're all thinking isn't it? She shouldn't be- and -I-I-I should-"
Arms grabbed him around the back as the sobs overcame him. Someone was pulling him away from the podium. They were saying something hurriedly in his ear but he couldn't hear them over his own wails. They grabbed him in a fierce hug and with a pop they were both being squeezed through a tube and falling out onto hash pavement. He couldn't breathe. The air couldn't come in. They were speaking to him calmly but his heart just raced harder. He didn't know where he was. Tracey was dead and he had messed up her funeral. What must Mr. and Mrs. Davis think of him now? And Terry was dead, too. And the Dursleys. And others. And they all died while he got to live. It was all wrong. He couldn't get in air.
Harry welcomed the blackness.
HPHPHPHPHP
Snape was glaring at him with concern. It was the most awkward thing Harry had ever seen and he wished it would stop.
"Sorry."
They were still in the dingy alleyway. Harry was laid out on the pavement. It felt remarkably soft, like maybe someone had put a cushioning charm on it.
"Ummm...that was-What happened?" Said Harry. "It felt like I couldn't breathe."
"I think you had a panic attack." Said Remus
Harry sat up. "What? I don't panic. I'm good in an emergency."
"Exactly." Snape motioned for him to stay sitting. "This is not an emergency. The danger has passed, which means you have time to think. To relax."
"And that's bad?" Harry blocked the sun from his eyes as he looked up at his potions teacher.
"Yes." Said Snape with the gravitas of a man who has spent far too long thinking.
Remus pushed a glass of water into his hand. "Take a moment, and when you're feeling steadier stand up."
The water was cold and refreshing. It centered him and brought him back to himself. "Mr. and Mrs. Davis must be so mad that I ruined Tracey's funeral."
"I spoke to them briefly before I apparated out. They understand. Do not worry yourself about it." Said Snape.
Harry shook his head. Of course they would be polite to Snape, but they must think he was nutters. And- oh God the reporters. He had given them a right show. It would be all over The Prophet tomorrow. He was never going to escape it. He had killed the bastard, but he was never really going to escape it and live like a normal person.
"Hey now." Remus's soft voice cut through. "I see Severus has a point about thinking too much. It will all work out."
Harry sucked in a breath, feeling like the vice from before could come back if he kept letting his mind run wild. He had always scoffed when Aunt Petunia had been worried about appearances. She had always been fussing about the lawn and the house. She had critiqued Harry almost every day of his life for not being normal enough. It was always important to keep up appearances, she would say and Harry would roll his eyes. His favorite moments had been when he could subtly go against her oppressive desire to fit in. But now the thought of The Prophet running that story made him feel twitchy.
"The reporters-" Muttered Harry.
"Are idiots." Snape finished for him.
"I couldn't give one toss what they think." Said Remus. "Your opinion is the only one that matters."
Harry exhaled so that the tips of his fringe danced. "It will be in the paper."
"And?" Said Snape.
"And what?" hissed Harry. "It will be in the paper."
Everyone will see. Everyone will know.
"And what will happen after that? They run a few news articles and then what?" Said Snape.
Remus smiled at him. It was a soft condescending bullshit smile. "I think what Severus is saying is that it won't really affect you."
Harry stood at that. "Fuck off. It's not fair and you know it. They'll all- It's not fair."
"Life is not fair and It's not in your control." Said Snape, matter of factly.
"Exactly." Harry hissed.
A/N: The final chapter ended up being far to long (33 pages!) so, surprise! You have two new chapters! Happy reading!
