Down the Rabbit Hole Chapter 53 – The Jabberwock – Enjoy the Silence
A/N- The song for the title was released by Depeche Mode in 1990, "Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in, into my little world. Painful to me, pierce right through me, can't you understand? Oh my little girl." A little Cellphone pricing info for 1995 according to an article by the Chicago Tribune that same year. It cost $100 to buy a phone, plus a $30 a month fee for access to a calling network, then you pay $.75 a minute (So a 10-minute call was $7.50, while an hour-long call was $45). But don't forget to add $.50 per minute if you were outside your carrier's network. Only 33 million out of 266.6 million US citizens were using cellphones then. I want to take this moment to thank everyone who has ever read one of my stories and I apologize that I do not say this more often, I really do appreciate you taking the time to read them.
Rave looked at the front entrance of the school as he steps off the bus and exasperatedly sighs as he wonders where summer has gone? Yeah really, where did the summer go, it feels like we kind of skipped that, didn't we? It's not like any of you wanted to read about all the late-night skinny-dipping shenanigans the four friends got into over the summer or anything. I mean, who wants to read about naked horseplay at the creek when I can serve you up a nice healthy dose of first day back at school drama, right? Okay, I'll stop breaking the fourth wall now, I just felt like I needed to tease you a little. But I will give you a few juicy tidbits here and there, because you know Auntie is all about some good gossip. Well a little birdy told me that Plank had a conversation with Rave over the summer, about their relationship and how they wanted to define it. And the answer to their boyfriend status which you all have probably been waiting for is, they're not.
The conversation, which Plank had so bravely started, quickly turned into meek capitulation as Rave voiced his fears about ruining what they have, as friends, by putting a label on what they are. Rave's statement was the product of having to watch his parents love for each other degrade into contempt during the last years of their marriage, finally turning into downright hatred when they divorced. The fact that he hasn't seen his father in the two years since the divorce and his own self-doubts on why Kev wouldn't date him, but did date Eddward, hasn't helped his opinions about relationships. This statement, in turn, stirred Plank's own fears, as he recalls how he had almost fucked things up between Eddward and himself when they had broken up. The two of them agreeing that it was probably best for them to stay just friends, who hung out and occasionally had sex. After all, why did they have to conform to the heterosexual definition of what a relationship should be. This in turn freed them to pursue other avenues with other people if they so choose, each promising no regrets or hard feelings. Though if they were being truly honest with themselves and each other, the idea of the other in someone else's arms, even for meaningless sex, stung just a little too harshly.
Rave did notice the forced weak smile that concealed the sadness in Plank's eyes as they came to that decision together, and wondered if that was the reason he didn't give him a ride to school today. Well, there's no use crying over spilled milk he decides as he takes in a deep breath and resigns himself to begin his tenth-grade year. Adjusting the bookbag on his shoulder, he feels the strap shift right back down to where it was when he takes his first steps towards teenage hell. Opening the lobby door, he steps in and checks his schedule for his locker number and decides he should find it and try out his combination before his mandatory torture session begins. He walks quickly down the hall passed the office and notices a pair of girls from his grade whispering and glancing at him as he passes them by. He keeps his eyes forward and ignores their looks before ducking into the stairwell they were standing by to climb the steps two at a time. He pauses for a moment as he reaches the second floor and scans the rows of lockers lining the walls then back down at his schedule to see if he was in the right area. He looks up just in time to see a letterman clad shoulder slam into him, knocking him off balance. The follow up heavy push to his chest by the jock behind the original offender knocks him on his ass and helpless. "Shouldn't block the door, faggot," the third jock berates him as he passes, practically spitting out the last word with disgust and saliva.
Well that answers that, as it seems the reprieve that they were given by all the bullies and popular kids last year because of Eddward's disappearance is now revoked. "Do you need some help," Rave turns his gaze away from his retreating assailants and looks up to see a lithe and dorky senior standing over him with his hand extended to offer him assistance.
Rave gets a feeling that he has seen this young man somewhere before, but figures that they had probably passed each other in the halls last year. "No thank you," he responds softly and politely as he pulls himself up off the floor.
"See Double D, he doesn't need your help," the shorter boy standing behind the dork says in slight annoyance as he steps away to join a taller boy and two girls a few feet away. "Are you coming," the short annoying boy yells over his shoulder, "Or are you going to be late because of every charity case you see?"
Double D gives Rave an apologetic look then rushes off to catch up to his friends, wrapping his arm around one of the girls as he responds, "Eddy you shouldn't be so rude." Eddy blows a dismissive raspberry through his lips as he tries to continue, "He might have broken his coccyx."
Eddy dismissively waves off his concern, "Cocksick smocksick, you're just too damn nice for your own good," Rave could barely hear before they got too far away.
"What an odd group of friends," he thought to himself as he moves out of the doorway and double checks the lockers round him again then turns to head in the opposite direction. He finds his locker twenty feet down the hall on the right and quickly starts to put in his combination, he was frustratingly unsuccessful the first few attempts. But was finally able to get the door open on the third try, allowing him to put away the supplies he wouldn't need for his first class along with his empty backpack before shutting the door.
However, the door was forcibly slammed shut by the person who had just skidded to a stop next to him. "Whatcha doing boy," the familiar voice harshly teases him in a mock redneck accent.
Rave rolls his eyes as he turns to look at his friend, clutching his notebooks to his chest, "Fuck off Plank, that wasn't funny." His eyes widen as he gets a good look at him and exclaims, "Holy shit, what the fuck are you wearing?"
Plank smiles at his reaction then looks himself over, proud of his crisp, clean and brand-new ROTC uniform, "Looks good, right? Like I'm all butch and shit," this was the reason he couldn't pick Rave up this morning, as he needed to be here early for ROTC.
Rave lets out a single laugh of disbelief before replying, "So butch you'll be spitting and scratching your balls soon," how could Plank join the ROTC?
"You know he does that already, right," Jonny adds from behind his friend, the joke apparently flying over his head.
He narrows his eyes at the boy as he walks by him, "Thanks for clarifying that Jonny," then quickens his pace away from them to head to his first class.
The two boys look at each other, then Plank starts to follow Rave with Jonny in tow, "Who pissed in your Wheaties?"
He lets out a sigh as he slows down, "It's," he pauses as he tells himself to be diplomatic. He didn't want to get into an argument with him by telling him he was making a mistake by setting himself up for a life in the closet. As far as he knew, Plank might not even be interested in joining the military, well at least he hasn't spoken to him about it. But that could just be a side effect of not being boyfriends, as he wasn't entitled to every detail of Plank's life. "It's just been a bad day already," he gives him an apologetic look and hopes that this vague explanation would satisfy him.
Plank looks irritated as they enter the stairwell, "Okay, so whose ass do I need to kick?"
"I'm a big boy Plank," they make their way down the stairs at a quick pace, "I can take care of myself. Besides, it's not… worth…" his voice was barely a whisper as he says, "it." Just down the hall from the stairwell they had just exited from was the same group of jocks who had just knocked him down less then fifteen minutes ago. With one small exception, Kevin Anderson was now among them, wearing what appeared to be a Peach Creek High lettermen jacket, "When the FUCK did that happen?"
"You all didn't know," Jonny spoke up and his two friends look at him in disbelief, wondering why he did, as they both replied no in different ways. He ignores their looks and continues to explain as they approach the jocks, "Don't you remember, you all suggested it."
Plank remembers their statements at Tim and Derek's place earlier that summer and replies, "Yeah, but we were only teasing him."
"Well, joke or not, he still tried out," Jonny was proud at how much Kev's confidence had grown over the summer. "And being the small-town school that we are, the coach has to give everyone a chance since he can't afford not to. And apparently, he thinks Kevin has a lot of motivation and potential, and somehow, he did a hell of a lot better than some of the ninth graders who also tried out. But he's only on the JV team right now, so the coach can see where he best fits in, well according to Kevin anyway." He catches Kev's eyes as they pass and smiles at him, recalling how excited Kev had been when they talked about it in their post orgasmic bliss. But he quickly averts his gaze as he notices Daniel and Chance turning to look in their direction as they pass them.
Right about now you might be asking yourself, why the rumors surrounding last year's drama surrounding Eddward are affecting Rave so much? But are hardly touching Plank and Jonny and now Kev is apparently immune. Well in reality, rumors are just that, rumors, a doorway that allows bullies to proceed with extreme prejudice. But in truth, until they catch you in the act, with a cock in your mouth or ass, they will consider you straight by default, and are only teasing you because of the rumors. To make it clear to you, the boys are out to each other, but are not out to the rest of the school and deny it vehemently. For to proudly announce it to the school, as I have said in the past, would be a death sentence both socially and probably literally. So, Kev is immune because of his new jock status, since no one will talk badly about a jock knowing that the rest of the team will defend his honor, because if one of them looks bad, they all do. Coincidentally the stereotypes people have about gay people are protecting Plank and Jonny in a way, because no fag can fight as good as they do together. Since queers are all supposed to be limp wristed cowards who wouldn't dare fight back against a more powerful and masculine straight man. But on the other hand, Rave's goth image and the fact that he openly wears makeup to school is working against him, as it falls into the stereotypes that all sissies want to be girls.
"So, when did you two become so close," Plank softly teases Jonny as they were only feet away from the jocks and bumps his shoulder into his friend.
He understood his friend and how he thinks, so he didn't react to his implication, but he also knew that people considered him to be more Plank's friend then anyone else's. As if the only reason he comes around anyone else is because Plank is there, which isn't true, he likes them all. But Plank is his best friend, his brother from another mother, the guy who puts him at ease and helps him come out of his shell, his security blanket. So maybe in the past it has been true, that where you saw Plank, Jonny wasn't far behind, "Aaaahhhh, are you jealous that I'm hung out with someone else," he returned the tease.
Plank blew a raspberry through his lips as he pushes his friend away with the palm of his hand. Rave snickers at Jonny's rebuttal and adds, "I think he's kind of right, you're acting a little jealous that he has someone else besides you."
"As if," he says louder, the conversation was more open now that they were further away from the jocks. But there was that irrational feeling that Jonny was replacing him since they didn't hang out a lot over the summer because Rave and himself had spent so much time over at Derek and Tim's. He did offer to bring them with them, but Kev was always busy with something and now he knew what, football camp. And as for Jonny, well, he was always talking to Marie long distance and now he finds out that he was also hanging out with Kevin. Being so familiar with each other, he notices Jonny's unease and adds, "Hey man, I'm just giving you a hard time. We're all friends here and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to hang out with him." In truth, it said a lot about his friendship with Kev, since Jonny was comfortable enough to be alone with him. Seeing Jonny's doubtful look, he adds, "Really, I'm happy you're putting yourself out there, first it was Marie, now it's Kevin." Jonny's anxiousness comes from being around people who he thinks will judge him for his annoying tendencies. His annoying tendencies comes from his desire to fit in and be liked by others, causing him to overcompensate by trying to be funny, to make people laugh. Which causes his anxiousness because it turns out most people were laughing at him, not with him. The self-sustaining cycle when he's around unfamiliar people makes him one big ball of awkwardness that drives most people crazy. And his walls do take some time to come down, which leaves the boy feeling lonely and unwanted most of the time, except for when he is with Plank.
Jonny smiles to show his appreciation to his friend for always thinking about him, but he didn't reply as he was starting to get anxious about Plank focusing on his friendship with Kev. As though he would suddenly figure out what has been going on between them and get mad at him for not sharing this part of his life with him, because they have no secrets. He thanks god when it seems that Plank is beginning to let go of the topic and turns his attention back to Rave to ask him a question. Now that he was no longer under his friend's watchful eye, he looks over his shoulder to the group of jocks and sees Kev looking over his shoulder at them. Catching Jonny's eyes, he gives him the smile he should have returned earlier, then with a casual wave of his hand he turns back around to follow his teammates as they walk away. "Earth to Jonny, are you listening," he snaps his head back around and looks at his two friends as they turn the corner into the next hall.
"What?"
Rave leans slightly forward to look around Plank and fills him in, "He was asking if you wanted to go with us to Kev's first game?"
"Do you think he'll get to play," Plank adds.
"I don't think so," he replies looking thoughtful, "Unless someone gets hurt during the game, but even then, he'll probably just be warming the bench."
Rave stops and leans against the wall next to the first classroom they come to, "Well, I'm still willing to go if you guys are. I mean he doesn't have to play for us to be there for him."
"I'm definitely down to root for short shit," Plank states and Jonny agrees with him with a nod of his head.
But Rave corrects him, "He's isn't that short anymore, or didn't you notice?"
Plank sarcastically smiles as he replies, "Yeah, I noticed, but he's still going to be short shit to me." Plank guessed that Kev was probably about the same height as he was now, and he had grown two inches over the summer.
The warning bell rings through the halls and Rave pushes off the wall as he says, "This is me."
"Yeah me too," Plank informs him as he double checks his schedule, "Algebra 1, right?" Rave nods to confirm that he was where he needed to be. This causes Plank to smile as he adds, "Sweet, I know who my study partner is."
"It's algebra, not biology," Rave reminds him before walking into the class.
Plank notices Jonny fumbling through his bookbag for his own schedule and asks with a laugh, finding humor in his panic, "And where're you at first period?"
"Ffffuuuccckk," Jonny exaggeratedly exclaims when he retrieves the piece of paper and sees the room number, "I'm up on the second floor in room 210," which is on the other side of the building.
Plank's laughter, which had just subsided, begins anew, only managing to say between his uncontrollable breaths, "You better run dip shit." Jonny shoves the paper back in his bookbag and slings it as he bolts in the direction of the nearest stairwell. Watching him from the door his laughter increases when he sees Jonny slam on the breaks to force himself into an awkward quick walk when he sees the vice-principal. But the young man couldn't resist mocking the authoritarianism the man represented and begins to goose-step by him, giving him an exaggerated Nazi salute. Earning Jonny his first trip to the principal's office that year, "God, that's got to be a record," Plank mused in laughter. Not that Jonny really gave a shit, because who wants to sit through their first hour of the day in chemistry class anyway.
Alice sat on the couch in the family room waiting for Marcus to get home from work, mindlessly flipping through channels, looking for something to pass the time with. She has already done all the cleaning she needed to do today and decided to relax as the premade lasagna they would be having for dinner was slowly baking in the over. God, she loved this house, who wouldn't, but she had to admit that it was a lot of work to keep it clean. She feels as though that is all she has done since they moved in three weeks ago, get up, clean, cook dinner and wait for Marcus to get home. She didn't have to go to work, which is a plus, but she had no social life either, except for the occasional phone call she had with Trixie during the day. But she was understanding, since Marcus is still getting home from work rather late, and sometimes grumpy, which has put a stop to their weeknight outings they used to have during his college days. Their weekends are still dedicated to each other, which is now more sitting at home watching TV then going out and has brought out Trixie's teasing nature. As she has called them an old married couple more than once when Alice declines her invitations for them to come hang out with her. She assumed Trixie was feeling a little lonely these days but wasn't telling her about it. Since her and Dino were probably spending more time apart, having to make up the difference in the rent and bill money she had been bringing in.
She pauses on CBS for a moment but quickly scrunches up her nose and changes the channel when The Nanny played by Fran Drescher starts her insidious laughter. She continues her channel surfing by flipping pass Star Trek Voyager, Melrose Place and some action show she didn't know nor care about. Finally stopping when she sees Will Smith's handsome face on NBC, snuggling up on the couch, she starts to watch an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. She was in the middle of a laughing fit when she hears footsteps coming up the stairs and Marcus' voice calling out, "Lucy, I'm home." She pulls her sock covered feet off the couch and places them on the floor as she sits up properly. Marcus has this thing about feet being on the furniture, regardless of footwear, and would get quite upset with her if he caught her lounging like she has been.
She looks towards the stairs with a smile, ready to greet him, and sees the top of his head as he made the first landing before it ducks out of sight a split second later. The sound of a few plastic bags rustling as they were being set down was followed by a series of quick clicking sounds upon the hard wood floor. Scrunching her nose with a curious look she stands so she could see over the loveseat to where the sound was coming from. At the top of the stairs stood a little fur ball of a puppy looking back down at the hidden Marcus as it hops on its front legs and barks a few times, expressing its desire for him to come up. "Hey there," the puppy turns its attention towards her and wags the fluffy tail curled along its back, "What's your name, huh?"
"Sid Vicious," Marcus tries to make his voice sound cute as he was pretending to be the puppy, bringing its attention back to him.
She cocks a brow at the little one as she walks slowly around the loveseat towards it, "Vicious?"
The puppy turns back to her and drops its front legs to the floor, resting its head between them then barks as Marcus continues the game. "That's right, cuz I'm badass," its fluffy tail was causing its raised hips to shimmy with its movements.
"Is that right?" She squats down in front of the puppy to reach out and scratch its ear, it lifts its head to sniff her hand then playfully pounces, "But I'm bet you're really a little softy, aren't you?" She moves her hand around to play with Sid a little as she hears the plastic bags ruffle on the landing below her.
Scoping Sid up into her arms she stands and snuggles with him as Marcus finishes his climb, "He's cute, isn't he?"
He reaches up and scratches behind Sid's ear as she nuzzles him, "He's the cutest little thing I've ever seen," she kisses Sid's nose.
She dodges Sid attempt at returning her affection in the form of a tongue bath as Marcus continues, "As soon as I saw him, I knew you would love him."
She adjusts Sid in her arms, so she was cradling him lower and looks at Marcus, "Thank you baby." Leaning forward and angling he head slightly up, she thanks him again, both physically and emotionally.
Breaking the chaste kiss, Marcus raises the large plastic bag in his hand so she could see it better, "Why don't you go set up his things in our room and put on his collar so we can take him for his first walk."
She smiles and takes the bag from him, "I'll be right back," then gives him another kiss as she passes him to go towards the stairs. Who knew that the thought of such a simple domestic act like walking a dog together could bring her such joy? But it was the act of doing it together, building their relationship together, that was bring her such happiness and contentment.
Marcus smiles to himself and sets the last bag on the kitchen island as he watches her climb the stairs with their new puppy, only feeling slightly annoyed when the phone begins to ring, "Hello."
Trixie's voice answers him, "Hey Marcus, is Alice around?"
He walks towards the living room and away from the stairs, lowering his voice a little as he responds, "No she's not, she's out walking our new puppy."
"Ah," her voice was warm as she cooed, but he could tell she was masking her emotions, "I bet she's loving that. What breed did you all get?"
"A Keeshond," he responded quickly but politely.
"I don't know what the hell that is," she chuckled, "But I'm sure its adorable."
"He's a little ball of fluff," he indulged the idle banter but was searching for a way to end the call quickly. "So," his train of thought was broken as the timer on the oven went off, "Do you want me to leave her a message?"
He begins to walk over to the oven as she responds, "Just have her call me when she gets back."
He turns the oven off and opens the door, "Ok, will do."
He had pulled the phone from his ear and was about to hang up the phone when he barely heard her say, "It's just." He puts the phone back to his ear and cradles it with his shoulder as he grabs the oven mitts, "I haven't heard from Dino for two days. And I was wondering if he had gotten ahold of her," why is she telling him this, he wasn't any good at helping others with their relationship problems.
He was feeling awkward and didn't like it, but tried to give her an answer, "She hasn't said anything to me, ouch." His thumb wasn't as covered by the oven mitt as he had thought it was and it had touched the hot pan the food was on, causing him to quickly pull back his hand. "Fuck, shit," the pan rattles as it drops back on the rack.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I just burnt myself," he sucks on the tip of his thumb, "Damn that smarts." He shakes his hand a few times in a meaningless effort to dull the pain then readjusts his grip on the mitts, "Okay, I'm kind of busy here, so, I'll let her know you called."
"Thanks Marcus, I appreciate that," he was beginning to rub her wrong with his noticeable irritation from the onset of their conversation. But if her sister was happy and he was treating her right, what else mattered, right? She could take his rudeness every now and then for Alice's sake, but not for much longer before she would tell him about himself.
He sets the pan on the stovetop, closes the door and drops the mitts, "No problem," with what he felt was the end of the conversation, he hangs up the phone and sets it on the counter.
"Who was on the phone," Marcus hears behind him and his heart skips a beat, but he suddenly hears her feet on the steps and instantly calms down.
With his hands resting on the counter on either side of the stove he looks over his shoulder at her, "It was Trey from work. He was wondering if I could send him some numbers on a big deal we're working on together."
"Sounds important," she sets the puppy down, then adjusts the metal food dish and water bowl layered together in her other arm, "I'll go ahead and take Sid for his walk while you take care of that."
"I told him I would send it to him after dinner," he turns to look at her as she steps up to the sink to fill the bowl, "He wasn't in that big of a rush."
She smiles at him as she turns on the water to fill the bowl, happy that their domestic bliss wasn't going to be interrupted, "Good. Because everyone deserves some time to unwind," she notices the pan behind him and remarks more to herself, "The lasagna's done."
"Yeah," he looks over his shoulder at it and raises his injured hand, "I burnt my hand on the damn thing."
"Oh, you poor thing," she takes the hand gently in her own and kisses the red mark on his thumb, "Does it feel better?"
He smiles at the childish act and put his arm around her waist, drawing her closer, "Thanks babe, it feels so much better," he chuckles softly and gives her a quick kiss. As he breaks the kiss, the last bag on the counter draws his attention, "Oh, I got you one more thing." He steps over to the bag followed by an excited Alice and pulls a box out of it, setting it on the counter. The box was blue, decorated with the small outlines of the same type of phone in different colors peppered around four sides of the box. The word Flare was fancily inscribed on the box, right under the Motorola logo, with each letter in different colors.
She looks the box over as she angles it in her hands, unsure how to express her gratitude for his generosity. A night of passion? Maybe later, but only if he wasn't exhausted. She decided that the simplest expressions where probably the best for this moment, "Thanks baby."
She leans her back against his frame as he wraps his arms around her and takes the box from her hands. "Now this is meant for emergency use only, okay, you are not to use it to talk to your sister for hours," he opens the box and extracts the phone and powers it on before handing it to her.
"I won't use it for that," she had gathered from his statement that the phone bill would be outrageous if she used it frivolously.
"Other things you can use it for is if you need to get ahold of me, or if I need to get ahold of you for something." He wraps his arms around her waist again and nuzzles her neck, "But still try to keep it to a minimum."
"I understand," she returned his affection by wrapping her arms around his and notching their fingers together. But as she leans her head against his she catches Sid out of the corner of her eye sniffing in a searching manner by the loveseat. She motions with one hand to bring his attention to the puppy, "We better get to that walk, before we have our first accident."
Marcus maneuvers around her quickly and gets to the puppy mere seconds before he was going to squat, but as he scoops him up, Sid starts to dribble a little from the shock but quickly stops. Marcus verbally expresses his disgust with the urine dripping from the fur of the puppy's legs. Then angles him in his hands, so that they made eye contact and say, "No, not in the house," in a playful but stern tone. Alice grabs a paper towel and wipes up the little bit of dribble on the hardwood floor then tosses it in the trash with one hand while pulling out the leash from her pocket with the other.
She notices that Sid looks a little sorrowful as she passes to head to the stairs and quips, "I think you scared him."
"He'll be fine," Marcus replies as he follows her down the stairs holding Sid out at arm's length just in case he starts to go again.
A/N- Okay, this A/N will be a little lengthy, I apologize, but I wanted to give you all a little perspective of what it was like being young, gay and in the closet during the 90's without the constraints of the story itself. It is also due to the fact that I just realized last night that this October is the 30th anniversary of my first sexual experience. I know, I'm old, and it's kind of a weird thing to just suddenly think about, but you never forget your first, even if it was awkwardly terrible. Ok background, I started kindergarten when the first reports of HIV began to make the news, so I first heard about it from its most lethal moments on. In the 6th grade is when I came to realize that the attraction I had for boys all my life meant that I was gay. I accepted this fact about myself rather easily, it was no big deal and I knew I couldn't change it, and who would want to? Guys are fucking hot. My issue was with the way the world viewed and treated people like me and what they said about it around me. This put a strain on my emotions and my mental wellbeing. In the 7th grade, when I was 12, is when I had my first sexual experience with a boy 4 years older than me. And don't try and tell me I was molested, because I wasn't, I was attracted to him and wanted to do it. Living in a small town, feeling isolated and alone around nothing but straight people, I didn't know if I would ever have another chance. Because I didn't know anyone else like me and assumed I was the only gay kid in town. So, when I discovered that he was up for it, I was screaming "THANK YOU GOD" in my head. But looking back now, I think I probably should have waited a few more years until I was more mentally prepared, but I still don't regret it. The reason I say mentally prepared is because the night after is when all the things I have been told about gay people and my sexual desires clash. Me, a little 12-year-old gay boy, was lying in bed, counting the years I had left to live, because I knew I now had AIDS. I really didn't have it, but here is why my naïve self thought I did. It was because of all the homophobic things I had been told or heard offhandedly from classmates, family and strangers over the years. And one of those things was that AIDS was Gods righteous judgement upon gay people for their sinful ways. And if God would do all those things to Job to prove a point to the Devil, and he liked Job, then why wouldn't he curse me with a painful death, because he hated me for who I am. So, I cried myself to sleep that night, knowing I was going to die a painful death by the age of 22, all because of who I was attracted to and the fact that God hated me. The life expectancy of HIV patients back then was around 10 years at best. So, the moral of this story is, don't default to thinking that everyone around you is "straight". Because there might be some kid hiding who they really are and what is said around them through religious zeal or toxic masculinity is definitely killing them slowly inside.
