Notes:
Happy Birthday to breathing-and-stuff ! you are an incredibly kind, positive and talented person, your support and beautiful art has really brightened this fandom and my life, I cannot recommend your Wolfstar and Jily art enough- check out their Ao3 breathing_and_stuff and tumblr breathing-and-stuff for more beautiful creations. I hope today was fun and that you enjoy some BAMF action and soppy Wolfstar (sorry there's some angst too!)
Chapter 44: Imperio
Previously …
"Yes, James," Severus said, trying not to sound impatient. "We have to leave now, I promised him I'd get you out of here! Do you understand?"
Lily nodded, still crying.
"My beautiful," she said. "My gallant lad."
"Yes, yes," Severus said, eying the door of the cell. "We need to leave! Now! If Voldemort finds us, we're both dead!"
Lily stared at him intently. After a few seconds she smiled vaguely.
"I'm so sorry Sev, let's go, I just... it's so much to take in, you know? I can never thank you enough, for trying to save him, for being such a noble person?"
Severus squirmed.
"It means everything to me," she said, her red-rimmed eyes looking into his soul.
"It's nothing," he said firmly, refusing to hold eye contact and pointing his wand at the chains. "Frangit!"
The chains broke, and Lily collapsed into Severus' arms.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "Can you help me, please? I don't think I can walk?"
"Of course!" Severus said, feeling a bloom of warmth spread through his chest.
This was what he had longed for, desperately, for as long as he could remember – Lily, holding onto him, needing him, weaker than him, reliant on him, asking him, begging him for his help. He tucked his wand in his pocket and lifted her up, looking lovingly into her stunning eyes. Surely she could also feel the deep attraction between them, the passion sizzling beneath their fingertips?
"Lily," he murmured, bringing their lips closer.
"Severus?" she said hoarsely.
"I love you, Lily Evans," he said, holding her closer. "I always have."
"Your idea of love sickens me, but I'm glad you're so predictable, Severus."
Lily's voice was cold as she stepped back from him in disgust, and he found himself staring at the tip of his own wand.
"What do you think you're doing?" he said, his heart pounding as he tried to make sense of what was happening.
"Change of plan, Snape!" Lily said. "You don't get to sweep me away like a lying bastard-"
"Your husband agreed to this! It was his idea!" Severus' voice rose.
"Gobshites, the pair of you!" Lily said, her voice quivering with rage. "Probably one of the only things you two ever agreed on - that James Potter should sacrifice himself to save me? That James Potter was expendable, that I would cope without him?"
Severus dropped his gaze in the face of such fierceness.
"You see, I'm not leaving here without James. If he's dead, and you better hope to fuck he isn't, I'm still bringing him with me. He means more to me than anyone else, everything else, in the entire world. I'm not leaving my soulmate to rot in this hell!"
Severus looked at her hand with trepidation as she aimed at his chest.
"I was trying to save you, Lily," he said, trying to step away from her.
"Trying to save me for yourself, Severus! Killing my husband was never going to buy you my love!" Lily's green eyes were incandescent.
"I didn't… I had no part in it, it was Hugo Avery!" he said.
"No part at all? That's strange," Lily sneered. "Because your friend Hugo payed me a lengthy visit which only finished a short while ago, you practically overlapped."
Snape's eyes widened with surprise and alarm.
"He wasn't meant to go near you!" he said.
"He did," Lily said, shuddering despite herself. "Came in to tell me everything he was planning on doing to my husband, and later on, to me. It took rather a long time."
"What do you think you're-" Severus said in fear, as Lily lifted his wand.
"I'm sorry, Severus," Lily's voice was hard and implacable. "Imperio!"
Snape's eyes widened for a split second as the invisible spell hit his chest (so powerful it almost threw him backwards) before they seemed to fade, the fear in them replaced by a dullness.
His hands fell by his side.
"Is this castle surrounded by anti-apparition wards?" she asked.
"Yes, and the nearby forest," Snape answered mechanically.
"Where can we use a portkey?" Lily ordered, poking Snape with her wand.
"From the courtyard in front of the main entrance."
She hated the strange empty look in his eyes, as though he was unable to think for himself and devoid of any thoughts at all, until commanded by her to do so. She hated it.
"Good," she said. "Now you will do exactly as I say! You will bring me to the oubliette, and you will help me save my husband if it's the last thing you do! But first, you will bring me to your potions lab!"
…
As soon as Sirius stepped into the sea, the searing coldness hit his thighs. He gasped for air, his heart rate rising rapidly.
"Sweet fucking Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed sharply. "It's fucking freezing!"
"It is," Remus laughed, taking a deep breath and glancing sideways at his boyfriend who was now hugging himself and shivering fiercely.
"Remind me why we're doing this, Remus, in December?" Sirius said, as he gingerly waded deeper.
Remus smiled as he saw Sirius grimace dramatically.
"Because I told you to try it?" he said wryly.
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I must be utterly mad," he grumbled.
"Don't keep telling yourself you're freezing," Remus said, coming closer and taking hold of Sirius' hand. "That won't help. Tell yourself this is going to be amazing!"
Sirius muttered something under his breath and looked at Remus beseechingly, doing his best puppy-dog eyes.
"You can turn into Padfoot if you want to," Remus sighed, smiling fondly at the gorgeous man in front of him.
Sirius shook his head. He was always obstinate if given the choice to quit.
"Is it worth it?" he said. "Swimming in the nip in near arctic conditions?"
Remus nodded.
"It's always worth it," he said. "I started going swimming in the sea with my Dad in Wintertime. After my fifth birthday I went through a time of feeling…"
Mentally and emotionally wrung-out, utterly spent. Physically spent too.
"Tired," Remus continued. "Wild swimming made me feel mentally strong again."
Sirius bit his lower lip. What he wouldn't have done to take that pain away from five-year-old Remus. And if five-year-old Remus could do it, twenty-year-old Sirius could do it.
"Alright," he said, squeezing Remus' hand tightly. "On the count of three. Three, two, one!"
He let go of Remus' hand and held his breath for a moment as he immersed himself into the stark, icy embrace of the Irish Sea. All the tension, stress, grief of the previous few months paused by the sudden onset of sharp cold. He let himself breathe out. The shock obliterated all thoughts, brought him right into the moment. He was there, alive, uncomfortable. He was alive, so alive it hurt, he felt real again. Feeling the sharp, burning of his skin, hearing the churning of the fizzing waters, the steady crashing of the waves, seeing the light playing on the surface of the glittering sea, feeling. Right into the now, not away in his ever- thinking, swirl of emotions mind. His mind had gone blank with the shock, the freezing sensation made his skin hum, spreading up his spine and traveling up to the back of his head, like an anchor, tethering him to this moment in time. He felt a wave of calm. There was no yesterday, no tomorrow, nothing truly existed except that precise moment. He could breathe deeply again, for the first time in what felt like years.
He turned to look at Remus, speechless.
Remus grinned back. He felt elated. His senses heightened, almost overwhelming him. He always felt a sense of awe when the let himself escape into the sea. But having that experience and seeing Sirius right beside him – his short, wet, jet black hair, his broad shoulders, his piercing grey eyes full of wonder, his full lips open with exhilaration? He looked up and the sky looked infinitely vast, the sea almost as huge, surrounding him, all-powerful. He felt tiny, insignificant. Yet somehow here he felt connected, a part of nature, so small yet a part of the earth. A different perspective of his place in the world. Voldemort and his followers, the Marauders, they would all fade and die someday, but this would still endure. This world was stronger than prejudice and hatred.
He swam closer to Sirius, his sunlit face still grinning with delight.
"We're alive," he called out.
Sirius laughed – open, carefree, joyous.
"Fuck, yes!" Sirius shouted back.
They stood up in the water, feeling the pebbles and seaweed swirling like an unplugged bathtub, pulling them backwards with each powerful pull of the tide.
Sirius put his hands out sideways and hit the surface of the waves, drenching Remus.
"Is this all you've got?" Sirius shouted out at the sea, a challenge.
The waves crashed onto the shore in response.
Wordlessly, they looked at each other and then both began screaming, roaring loudly, as they splashed each other and outwards – frustration, defiance, grief - at life? At the wizarding war? At the Black family? And yet within what seemed like the briefest of times, they were both whooping with delight, elation, joy.
Teeth chattering, they vigorously rubbed themselves dry with towels on the beach, now wordless once more, Remus seeing the way Sirius eyed the planes of his chest, Sirius noticing the way Remus' eyes lingered on his lips.
"Like something you see?" Sirius asked Remus with a roguish grin.
"Your lips are blue," Remus deadpanned.
"Pah!" Sirius said, looking disappointed.
"Get your clothes on, you need to get your circulation going again," Remus said, wrapping his towel around Sirius' shoulders in an endearing fashion.
"My fingers and toes don't seem to be working properly," Sirius laughed, shivering violently. "And my arms and legs feel heavy!"
"You might be what's known as a fast cooler, we'll run back inside and stick some logs on the fire and get you warmed up with some hot soup," Remus said, holding onto the towel to manoeuvre Sirius closer to him and kissing him sweetly on the lips.
"Ha!" Sirius laughed warmly, forgetting about his freezing body for a second, at the sight of Remus' concern. "I'll tell you something else that will warm me up much faster…"
Remus looked up at Wicklow lighthouse*, minutes away from the seashore, surrounded by sea on three sides, near the cliffs. He was in love with the building, the six octagonal rooms, the arched windows set into meter thick stone walls, the kitchen on the top floor with stunning views – wild gorse, green fields, wild grey seas.
But no view could ever remotely compare to the stunning one before him – Sirius Black, with wild, grey eyes, wringing out his hair as he emerged naked from the sea, like a modern-day male Venus Anadyomene**.
And wanting him, of all people.
He was in love.
"Let's get you inside," he smiled back, his low voice huskier than usual as he pulled Sirius after him.
Sirius' fingers felt frozen, white, almost blue.
They ran to the lighthouse, all other cares forgotten.
….
"Step away from Potter, now! I'm taking over!"
Avery's head jerked upwards in shock as Snape landed with a heavy thud right beside him, closely followed by Lily Evans, who had a glazed look in her eyes.
"She's under the Imperius," Snape added, glancing around at the other men.
"Snape?" Avery said, glaring aggressively at the half-blood. "What the fuck are you doing here? You said I could finish him off?"
"Change of plan!" Snape said, sounding furious. "Back the fuck away from him now, or you're a dead man!"
"What?" said Avery. "Why?"
"The Dark Lord wants to take over torturing Potter and Evans himself, he needs to find out about his missing book. He will be livid if Potter is dead or unable to answer him! I mean murderous."
Avery looked terrified.
"Fuck! Snape, you said..." Avery whispered hoarsely.
"You fool, you should have thought to check with your Master before you went this far! If I were you, I'd make myself scarce, unless you want to face the Dark Lord's wrath!" Snape hissed.
Avery had never seen Snape look so imposing, so powerful.
"Shit! I... but what if he asks who..." Avery stammered.
"I'll cover for you as best I can, but I suggest you leave until he calms down, unless you want to risk being here when he loses it," Snape said, looking at Avery as though he detested him.
"Fuck. Okay. Thank you, Cerberus," Avery said, frantically grabbing his cloak and stepping across James' body as he latched onto the rope ladder and sped upwards. "Fuck Voldemort, I hate that bastard!"
Nobody answered, aware that Avery was extremely unwise in voicing his feelings about the Dark Lord's unpredictable behaviours.
"Severus, you moronic shit," Severus said between his teeth.
Mulciber and Rosier snorted, enjoying Snape's irritation.
"You two better help me get Potter looking more presentable and less dead, unless you too want to join Avery and get AK'ed to hell!" Snape whirled around menancingly.
The two men looked at him blankly.
"You don't think the Dark Lord is actually going to forgive Avery, do you, you pathetic fools?" Snape scoffed dangerously. "Throw every healing spell you can think of at this traitor, and I'll see what I can do for you two imbeciles!"
Rosier cleared his throat and looked stunned. Mulciber glared at Snape.
"We hardly did anything!" he said. "You probably did more of the Crucios than we did!"
"I presume you haven't forgotten that the Dark Lord is an extraordinarily gifted Legilimens?" Snape smiles thinly, sticking the tip of his wand into Mulciber's abdomen. "He's going to die of blood loss, not of Crucios, obviously, you fool! Care to tell him yourself the extent of your role in this… shambles?"
Mulciber's lips thinned and he shook his head.
"Thought as much," Snape replied smugly. "Mulciber, get me the blood replenishing potion immediately. Rosier, give me a hand here – Vulnera Sanentur over his entire body, Brackium Emendo over his ankles, quickly!"
Rosier nodded his head and started firing healing spells anxiously. Snape did the same, deep in concentration, his wand flying over James' body. Mulciber reappeared moments later, holding a half-empty bottle of dark red liquid. Snape grabbed it off him wordlessly and carefully placed three drops into James' mouth, scanning his face anxiously. Blood trickled from James' right ear.
"Still looks pretty moribund to me," he muttered to himself, touching James' hands tenderly.
James' fingers felt frozen, white, almost blue.
"Perhaps Rosier should come with you?" Mulciber asked, inching backwards towards the rope ladder.
Snape's lip curled.
"Don't be pathetic, Rosier is a liability, and far too skinny to be able to lift Potter. I need you with me," he ordered.
Mulciber opened his mouth.
"The Dark Lord specifically asked that you accompany me," Snape said. "He said he may need our help in questioning Potter, that's if he isn't already dead by the time we get there. We need to hurry!"
Mulciber swallowed.
"Now help me lift Potter, and for fuck's sake be careful, he's perilously close to death as it is!" Snape said
He was so angry his body was shaking in agitation.
Mulciber lifted James' body as though it were made of glass.
….
"I'll take it from here," Snape ordered.
They were standing underneath the main door of the castle, which led into the courtyard.
"I thought we were bringing Potter and his vile mudblood to the Dark Lord?" Mulciber said, frowning suspiciously.
"Change of plan, Mulciber," Snape said matter-of-factly. "I want to try and get Evans to talk, that way if Potter snuffs it, we won't risk being beheaded by him."
"What do you mean?" Mulciber looked at him in bewilderment. "If you attack Evans and manage to injure her also, we're doubly fucked!"
"I won't fuck it up, unlike you dithering idiots I actually know what I'm doing!" Snape says angrily.
Mulciber stared hard at him.
"Are you sure you're Snape?" he said, narrowing his eyes and reaching for his wand. "You're acting strangely and I-"
"He's Snape all right, but under the Imperius Curse," Lily interjected. "Expelliarmus!"
Mulciber's wand flew into Lily's outstretched hand.
"You?" Mulciber seethed. "How in Morgana's hell did you manage to Imperio him? Last I heard you were wailing painfully awful songs from your cell, giving us all a headache! I thought you'd given up!"
"The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, for all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad," Lily shrugged. "You just hadn't experienced the merry part yet!"
"You're not a man," Mulciber sneered.
"Ha!" Lily's face broke into a harsh smile. "What Chesterton didn't say about Irish women is that when they're angry, all their wars are won!"
Mulciber stared at her sullenly.
"Not my fault that you consistently underestimate me, Mulciber!" Lily shot back. "You think you'd have learnt by now!"
Mulciber's face looked like curdled milk.
"Too late," Lily said. "Obliviate!"
Mulciber's expression changed slowly to own of utter confusion as he looked between Lily, James and Snape. He hadn't even seen the spell hit him.
"What happened to him?" he said, scratching behind his ear and staring at James' body. "Where's your Head Girl badge? Your uniform?"
"Quidditch injury," Lily said flatly. "Vicious Slytherin tactics. One hundred points from your House, now back to your common room before I have you expelled!"
"Whaat?" Mulciber said, looking utterly bewildered.
"I'm counting till ten. Ten… nine… eight…" Lily said.
Mulciber stumbled and turned immediately, muttering incoherent protests.
"Not bad, Lily Evans," Snape whispered with a vicious grin. "Not bad at all."
…..
"This is just… no," Remus said, shaking his head.
"What, exactly?" Sirius grinned, looking down at Remus and tossing his fringe back. "Come on! Give it a go!"
The black stallion stamped his left foot and snorted impatiently, tossing his head forwards and backwards, his black mane flying as Sirius got hold of the reins.
"Woah, steady on, old chap," Sirius said quietly, stroking his withers and applying soft pressure with his fingertips. "Good boy."
The horse snorted back, Remus could tell somehow that he was calmer already, while still impatient to leave.
"I can't, no way," Remus said again, rolling his eyes at Sirius.
"Hang on a sec, I dived into a freezing ocean for you, and you won't mount a horse for me?" Sirius said, raising his left eyebrow.
"It's the Irish Sea, you twat, not the Atlantic," Remus laughed. "And you enjoyed it!"
"Yeah, but I tried it! You're giving up without giving it a go!" Sirius said, tutting his disapproval and continuing to soothe the flighty animal who had taken to stamping his front legs once more. "You'll love it, I promise you!"
"Go for a canter and let me enjoy this beautiful sight," Remus placated.
It was obvious that Sirius was dying to do just that. He leaned down effortlessly and caressed the back of Remus' neck before pulling him in for a heated, short kiss.
"I'll be back," he warned Remus, his grey eyes flashing.
Then he was gone, at breakneck speed, horse and rider merging as one, thundering down the field at a gallop, raven black hair, raven black mane and tail flying with him. The black, glossy horse's coat catching the sunlight between clouds. Sirius Black's white shirt billowing in the wind, stark against his black jeans and black boots. Remus saw them clear a hedge, flying over it as easily as though it were a thestral in flight, unstoppable. He heard his boyfriend's whoop of joy as they cleared another fence. This was the side of his boyfriend he had missed – his capacity for pure joy, the thrill of speed, his fearlessness, his tempestuous vitality, his infectious laughter. Reckless, yes, but tempered with liberating exhilaration. Not the recklessness of the brave at war, of hurtling into the path of destruction to distract Death, not a reckless terror.
"Stunning," he said to himself, touching the back of his neck where Sirius' hand had been.
"Ah, sure listen, he's bleedin' brilliant, so he is!" the groom said enthusiastically, pulling his cap down over his eyes to shield himself from the sun. "Look at him, he's a natural!"
Remus smiled.
"He is, yeah," he said, his eyes fixed on the horizon.
"Goliath is the best horse in the stud. Best we've had in years. Total stunner," the groom added. "Tipped to win the Cheltenham Gold Cup and all, so he is."
Remus glanced over at him distractedly.
"Horse?" he said.
The man looked back perplexed.
"Sorry?"
But Remus wasn't paying attention, Sirius and the horse coming back into view. As they approached, Sirius jumped off the horse lightly, moving to caress the animal's face and flanks. The stallion huffed gratefully, dropping his head lower so Sirius could plant a kiss on its forehead, murmuring praise all the time, running his hands down the horse's neck and shoulder, burying his face momentarily in his mane. Sirius cleared his throat and looked back.
"You're impressed with that lad, Mr. Black, and so you should be! He's the crème de la crème. Stunningly beautiful horse. Skittish though, easily spooked sort of a fella," the groom said, smiling warmly at Sirius and giving him a hearty slap on the back.
Remus snorted.
"Frisky and obstinate too, I bet?" he said, looking at Sirius and raising an eyebrow.
"Ah sure, come 'ere! Absolutely! Bit of a handful, temperamental, so to speak," the groom agreed immediately.
Remus chuckled and looked at Sirius in delight as the dark-haired man scowled back.
"Headstrong, but responsive too, if you know how to handle him?" Remus said lightly.
Sirius folded his arms.
"Never a truer word spoken, Mr. Lupin, you know what you're talking about there!" the groom nodded wisely.
"Oh I do," Remus said. "Demanding and defiant if you let him, but if he decides he likes you, eager to please and daring, in the best possible ways."
Sirius cleared his throat, his cheeks a rosy hue. Remus could tell he was debating with himself whether he should be pleased or appalled at the turn in the conversation.
"Are you sure you haven't ridden before, Mr. Lupin? You seem very knowledgeable for a newbie," the groom added.
"Riding? Oh, don't let Mr. Lupin fool you, he's ridden lots of times before, I can assure you, he's an old hand at it," Sirius said, blinking at Remus with faux innocence.
"Fuck off!" Remus mouthed at Sirius behind the grooms back, before turning to the groom politely. "Aside from a few pony excursions every summer when I was a boy, I haven't a clue, but I think I'll give it a shot, I've a feeling we'll get on like a house on fire."
Sirius handed him the reins, trying not to smile.
"Well, would ya look at that!" the groom said in awe, watching as the stallion meekly set off with Remus at a steady trot, looking relaxed. "I don't think I've seen Goliath looking so well-behaved and submissive in years!"
Sirius coughed.
"Mr. Lupin is very… persuasive, in a deceptively quiet sort of a way," he said, his eyes glinting with delight.
"I see, he can get the high-maintenance little shits to do as they're told, both equine and human, eh?" the groom chuckled. "Fair play to him!"
"Let's just say arrogant, regal bastards fall under his spell far too easily," Sirius laughed, as Goliath trotted back into the yard.
He was staring at Remus longingly, watching his boyfriend's lean and muscled arms flexing as he guided the horse around the field. Remus dismounted and took a few carrots out of his pocket which the horse seemed very pleased with.
"We were talking about you," the groom said. "You'd make an excellent rider, I was watching you."
Remus looked embarrassed and scratched the back of his neck. The sun glinted off his golden highlights, his curls scruffy and windblown, new freckles on his nose making him look adorable in Sirius' opinion – the very embodiment of a rugged angel.
"Yeah, we were commenting on your many and varied skills," Sirius said, smirking as he knew Remus found it hard to accept praise.
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Please!" he muttered in warning.
"No, in all fairness, you were very impressive. You must have very strong thighs, considering you don't go horse riding regularly," the groom said.
"Oh he does, believe me, he most certainly does," Sirius said, unable to stop the bark-like laugh that erupted from him, warm and delighted.
Remus bit his lip, shaking his head at Sirius in disbelief, and grinning sheepishly, despite himself - Sirius was definitely enjoying getting his own back.
They drove back to the lighthouse on Sirius' motorbike, speeding. Galloping with the stallion that afternoon or winding his way down the steep sides of the Wicklow mountains on his motorbike - for Sirius these were moments of total absorption, where the self disappeared, time abstracted, and he was no longer aware of the present moment. His brain, always too active, finally able to switch off, a state where mind and body were in perfect harmony. Galloping with Goliath he had been fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus. What exhilarated him most was the merging of action and awareness, coupled with the sense of personal agency over the situation. How rarely did he feel that in real life, now that Quidditch was no longer a staple in his life and riding his motorbike a secret treat.
"You were in the zone again," Remus commented when they reached the lighthouse, kissing him softly on the lips as he pushed Sirius against the heavy front door, and then made their way up the winding spiral staircase, stopping to continue the kiss at regular intervals. "Muggles call it flow."
He was still mildly terrified of the bike and yet wholly turned on by the sight of his leather-clad partner.
"I've got my flow, and you have your liquid meditation," Sirius said, breathing more heavily as his fingers played with Remus' curls.
"I'm so glad we came here," Remus said.
He was looking at Sirius now sitting covered in a cosy Irish tweed blanket in the large window seat under the arched window. He was wearing one of Remus' grey woollen jumpers, which made his grey eyes startlingly clear. The carefree, genuine smile on Sirius' face was one reserved solely for the Marauders, and especially for Remus.
"Fuck you look good," he added, bringing both his hands up and sipping from the mug of tea.
Sirius' smile grew.
"Speaking of liquid meditation, I know another type of meditation that we both love," Sirius said, patting the seat beside him.
"Oh yes?" Remus said, sitting down next to him.
"Yes," Sirius said, gently removing the tea from Remus' hands and tugging at his jumper. "It's a meditation on intimacy, honest expression, being fully there for each other, that sort of thing."
Remus shook off his jumper and took Sirius' hands and kissed his knuckles.
"Sirius," he breathed. "I love you, you're wonderful."
Sirius leaned forwards and ran his elegant fingers down Remus' nose, tracing over the scar that ran beside Remus' upper lip. He loved Remus' upper lip, thinner than the lower one, reminding him of Remus' sarcasm and wit – so self-effacing, sharp, and yet so self-deprecating.
"I try," Sirius said, looking at him blissfully. "Now, this type of mindfulness tends to work better without clothes."
His eyes crinkled with joy and he pulled at Remus' t-shirt.
"This needs to come off," he said.
Remus obliged.
"I'm so glad we took this holiday," Sirius said, kissing down Remus' throat.
Remus hummed his agreement as he removed Sirius' jumper in turn.
"I love you," Sirius said. "Good thing we've no plans for the rest of the day!"
"Oh I have a plan, believe me, and it involves us being very busy here, for the next few hours," Remus murmured.
"Shut up and kiss me," Sirius said.
Remus surged forwards and kissed him deeply, rendering him breathless.
"I don't ever want this to stop," Remus said unexpectedly, gazing into Sirius' eyes,.
Sirius raised his brows, eyes twinkling.
"I mean I'm good, but I'm not sure I can-"
"Idiot," Remus smiled at him tenderly. "I mean us, this, you and me."
He could see understanding dawning on Sirius' face.
"It doesn't have to, not if I have anything to do with it," Sirius said, urgency and hope in his tone, trying to sit up. "Moony, I never want us to break up, ever, you know that, I told you-"
Remus stared back.
If things work out, if these new laws don't come in, if we win this war, I want us to grow old together, I want to wake up beside you every morning, I want to make you forget everything bad that has ever happened to you, I want to make you happy, Sirius, I want to fall asleep beside you, knowing the sound of your heartbeat lulls me to sleep…
If, if if…
"Maybe, Seren, someday," he said instead, softly.
Sirius sighed and fell back onto the cushion.
"Alright, have it your own way, Remus John Lupin," he said, threading his fingers through Remus' hair once more. "But you're it for me, and if you ever leave me, you're dooming me to a single life… so no pressure."
He couldn't read Sirius, his mouth smirking in jest and casual flirting, his eyes deep and soulful and fearing abandonment.
Why couldn't he say how he felt? Why did the words get caught in his throat every time?
But perhaps it was best kept this way, life had a habit of knifing him in the back, and he couldn't promise anything, not now, not yet…
"A single life sounds very peaceful," Remus said dryly, hovering above Sirius.
He didn't mean his eyes to sparkle with joy as he looked at Sirius, didn't mean him to see the hope written there, the unspoken longing.
"Fuck off and kiss me, you bastard," Sirius said, pulling Remus towards him.
…..
"Outside! Now!" Snape ordered.
Lily Evans remained silent as she walked outside at a steady pace, Snape following her and dragging James Potter's body along the ancient flagstones.
"Now, it seems that nothing will persuade Dumbledore's man to reveal what has happened to the Dark Lord's precious treasure! Potter nearly died refusing to tell us. I'm ordering you to tell me, or I'll make you kill your own husband!" he called out.
"No, I won't tell you anything," Lily said with effort.
"Wow! That's dope!" Villiers whispered loudly to Wilkes.
The two men were sitting on the battlements having a smoke and peering down with interest at the scene unfolding below them.
"Look what Snape is up to! I never thought he was into that shit!" Wilkes replied. "He usually lets us handle that kind of stuff, says it's boring!"
They looked at each other and grinned.
"Massive!" Villiers giggled, bumping fists with Wilkes.
Snape picked up his wand.
"Last chance, Miss. Evans," he said, dragging James closer to the middle of the courtyard.
He was holding two other wands in his hand.
"What is going on here?"
Snape whirled around.
Voldemort was standing at the castle gate, and with him Evan Rosier. Voldemort's wand was pointed at him.
"I am quite simply trying to establish the whereabouts of your missing book, my Lord," Snape said. "I thought this might work."
"Rosier here tells me you have been acting exceedingly strangely," Voldemort's voice was icy. "He thinks you may be under the Imperius Curse."
"Rosier is neither observant nor intelligent, my Lord," Snape said stiffly.
"Be that as it may, Severus, you are not yourself, you would not usually dare speak to me with this much courage," Voldemort replied, stepping forwards.
"My Lord?" Severus replied.
"Let us see what happens, shall we?" Voldemort said, whirling around at the last minute and pointing his wand at Lily.
"Stupefy!" Voldemort said with a lazy swish of his wand.
Lily Evans crumpled to the ground. Snape stood motionless, as though unsure what to do.
"Ah, the spell fades, I see. I had hoped you would not be so easily overcome by it. You disappoint me, Severus, I thought you were stronger than that. I thought you knew the mudblood well enough to watch out for any tricks she might play? Or were you too enticed by her beauty to focus on doing your job properly?" Voldemort spat out. "You shall pay for this mistake! And the object of your affections will most definitely pay."
"I'm afraid I underestimated the mudblood," Snape said, with a condescending smirk at the Dark Lord. "I don't know her as well as I thought I did. She should perhaps have been sorted into Slytherin. It appears that Lily Evans is a devious little bitch!"
Startling emerald eyes glared at Voldemort from Snape's face. As the wheels in Voldemort's mind whirled, Snape removed a leather bracelet from his wrist and tapped it, revealing a large glittering brass key.
"Póg mo thóin, Riddle!***" he said, flicking the V at Voldemort (who looked momentarily stunned) as he grabbed hold of James' arm and apparated into thin air****.
"I don't get it," Rosier said, looking at Voldemort and rubbing his forehead as though in pain. "Was that Snape? No, hang on.. what was..?"
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" roared Voldemort, raising his head as his blood-curdling screams carried over the courtyard and into the surrounding forest.
He kicked out viciously at Rosier's leg sending him hopping around in circles howling with pain. A family of carrion crows, disturbed by the commotion, flapped and squawked upwards from the turrets and battlements.
"Which one of you is the imbecile who allowed Lily Evans to escape?" he screamed at Rosier. "Why did none of you stop her?"
Villiers and Wilkes ducked down behind the walls of the battlements, grimacing.
A splash of white bird dropping landed on Voldemorts's nose. Rosier stared at him.
"You have some…" he said, pointing to Voldemort's face. "Just there?"
Voldemort looked ready to kill him.
"If you don't permanently dispose of this group of crows by Salazar's soul, I will feed you to them myself!" he shouted wildly, waving his wand at Rosier, and rubbing his face furiously with the back of his sleeve.
"A murder of crows, not a group, but whatever," Rosier muttered to himself, looking peeved, as he aimed Avada Kedavras at the screeching birds.
Voldemort walked over to the body of Lily Evans and stared at the darkening hair and sallower skin, Snape's eyes looking up at him.
"Legilimens!" he intoned.
The memory was tampered with, powerfully, so that he was unable to see some of the earlier incidents, but he could see the conversation between "Snape" and Avery, Fuck Voldemort, I hate that bastard! Avery running off to hide from him. Seething with rage, he grabbed Rosier's arm and touched his dark mark.
He watched as all his followers apparated around him, all except Snape who lay half-stunned on the ground, and Hugo Avery.
"Find Avery, bring him to me, now, or you all die!" he hissed, the red veins in his sclera protruding menacingly.
…
"I don't know what happened," Frank said, his croaky voice difficult to understand in between coughing fits.
"Shit!" said Dearborn quietly, looking around at the other Order members.
"He needs to come with me to the Infirmatory," Poppy interrupted, looking at Dumbledore and pointing towards the door.
Frank continued coughing and shook his head forcefully.
"We were ambushed… they were waiting for us… they wanted to get Black and Lupin," he wheezed. "They got Lily and James… I wanted to create a diversion but before I could move, one of them released noxious fumes, no doubt to catch any other Order members, I was knocked out cold… I fell backwards and the thicket hid me from sight… woke up freezing cold a short while ago… I couldn't find any trace of them whatsoever. I only got back just as Lily apparated here with James, he looks bad."
The ancient double door burst open as he spoke, and Sirius Black stormed inside, his black jeans soaking wet, his leather jacket still in his hands, closely followed by a haggard-looking Remus Lupin.
"We came as soon as we got your owl. Where are they?" he roared, going straight up to Frank and grabbing hold of his collar urgently. "Where the fuck are they? Tell me!"
Remus found himself unable to utter a single word.
…
The door of the Infirmary flew open, Sirius breathless as though he had just sprinted up five flights of stairs (which he had). He looked at Lily and seeing the pain and fear in her eyes, he forced himself to look at James lying unconscious in the bed behind her - it didn't look like his brother, the bruised and battered body covered in what he immediately recognised as myriad curses, his usually tanned skin a deathly pale colour. He looked already dead.
He looked back at Lily, the darkness under her eyes, her quivering lips.
"Lily," he tried to say her name but no words came out, caught in his throat.
"I know, sweetie," Lily's voice a hoarse whisper.
Then they were both flinging their arms around each other, gripping onto each other for dear life. Sirius felt her chest heave and held her even closer as her quiet sobs filled the silent room, shattering his heart.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered back, his breath still caught inside his chest, trapped.
What could he say, hearing her heartbroken sounds?
"We won't... we shan't let him die," he managed to say eventually, shutting his eyes tightly to stop himself breaking down. He moved to take both her hands in his own, looking down at her with tears in his eyes.
He didn't even know was he trying to comfort her or was he trying to comfort himself.
"I… I used an Unforgivable, Sirius," Lily said, keeping her head down.
"I would have sprained my wrist throwing Unforgivables at the bastards!" Sirius said. "I wish I could have done it for you."
He had badness in him already, let him hold it for all of them.
It should have been him. He should have been there instead of James, instead of Lily.
"I'm glad you didn't," Lily's voice shook. "I did it to save James… it felt wrong, Sirius, it is wrong and disgusting, but I know I'd do it again to save him. Am I a bad person, Sirius? I.. I saw what they did to him, I wanted them all dead… I thought about it... I wanted to. I don't want to become like them, Sirius, but I wanted to kill them!"
"Lily, you didn't kill them. You saved James. Merlin, you saved my brother, the only brother I have left, I can never thank you enough," Sirius' voice broke.
He wondered what he would have done in her place.
"It was Snape, he wanted to save me, but I had to find James, I couldn't… he hurt James, I hate him for it," Lily said desperately, squeezing Sirius' arms.
"Fuck that creepy bastard!" Sirius said.
"What if Voldemort kills him? What if he dies? It will be my fault!" Lily whispered. "I hate him so much, but I don't want to get him killed. I wouldn't care if he died in battle, not now, not after everything he's done to James! But being tortured and killed for trying to save me? I don't want that, am I mad?"
"You had to," Sirius said, gripping her tightly. "You had to try to save James. You couldn't leave with Snape, you know that would have been wrong! You are not to blame for anything Voldemort does!"
Lily's breath was uneven. She was going to have nightmares about what had happened in the castle, nightmares of Severus dying.
"I need James too, Sirius, he doesn't see that, he thought I could manage without him, he's so stupid, such a stupid, darling, beautiful man," Lily stopped, her hand over her mouth.
"He can't die, Poppy won't let him die," Sirius whispered back.
Lily nodded, still crying. He saw her sway and grabbed hold of her shoulders.
"Merlin Lily," he said anxiously. "Sit down immediately! Are you alright? Are you hurt? Do you need Poppy? Will I get-"
" No, please, Sirius, I didn't get hurt, James-" she stopped, unable to continue, and bringing her hand up to her mouth again.
He didn't think he could handle hearing what had happened.
"Hush, Lily, you're both safe now," he heard himself say.
"He... I couldn't... I tried..." she said.
She closed her eyes and swayed again, sitting down suddenly and placing her head between her knees.
"I need some water, and something to eat," she said, sounding suddenly anxious as her almond shaped clear eyes searched Sirius' for reassurance.
"I... Merlin, yes of course, Darling, let me get that for you!" Sirius said, relief blossoming at some small task he could do to help. "Do you want a firewhisky instead?"
"No! I can't drink now I'm ... I'm a bit dehydrated Sirius, I better stick to the water," Lily said, placing her hand over her lower abdomen in a protective gesture.
"Yes of course," Sirius said feverishly, throwing his leather jacket on.
"I'll get it," Dearborn was standing in the doorway looking at Lily uncomfortably.
"Lily, I know you already had a debriefing with Professor Dumbledore, but he was wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a few more-" he continued.
"No!"
Both Lily and Sirius spoke at once.
"Not now, my husband needs me here, Dumbledore can wait," Lily said, staring at Dearborn with a hostile expression as she swiped at her red eyes furiously.
"Tell him to go fuck himself," Sirius growled.
Dearborn nodded, recognising defeat.
"You get some food and water for Lily, Caradoc, I'll tell Dumbledore," Remus said.
Remus stood quietly behind Dearborn, a grim look, no obvious emotions displayed on his tired face.
"Righto," Dearborn nodded reluctantly.
"Hurry up," Remus ordered. "We don't want Poppy to end up with another patient."
"Righto," Dearborn said, looking relieved to have an excuse to leave.
….
"You wanted to speak with me, Mr. Lupin?" Dumbledore said, gesturing vaguely towards the chair in front of him.
Remus sat down. The silence made him nervous.
"You feel guilty for swapping your week on call with the Potters. You want to make sure that your friends are protected from danger as much as possible from now on?"
Remus felt his cheeks flush. He nodded, feeling even worse.
"Good," Dumbledore said. "I can see why you'd think that way."
Remus swallowed. Dumbledore blamed him too? He wanted to crawl under the floorboards never to re-emerge.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking down, unable to meet the Professor's gaze. "I should have stayed…"
"That's quite alright, Remus, these things happen, and we have to learn from them," Dumbledore said.
Remus felt himself slide further down the chair. He wanted to cry. It reminded him of The Prank at the end of Fifth Year. It should have been him. He should have insisted Sirius go with someone else. He felt personally responsible for what had happened, and if James died because of him… if James died…
"What can I do, Sir?" Remus whispered hoarsely. "Tell me there is something I can do to help!"
He looked up and caught Dumbledore looking at him keenly, with an astute gaze.
"Of course there is something you can do to help, Remus," Dumbledore said, steepling his hands together. "It will be dangerous though, the most dangerous mission I have ever given any member of the Order."
Remus nodded dumbly.
"It is also top secret. You must not discuss this information with a single soul," Dumbledore said, his blue eyes assessing Remus coolly. "Not the Marauders, not Lily Potter, especially not Sirius Black. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir," Remus said, sitting up straighter. "You can trust me."
"I hope so, Remus," Dumbledore said. "Most people wouldn't."
Remus froze, taken aback.
"I…" he stuttered.
"Luckily for you, I am not most people, Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore smiled pleasantly. "Lemon sherbet?"
Somewhere in the back of Remus' mind the words you bastard and what the fuck presented themselves as appropriate responses.
He declined politely.
"I have a singularly important and quite unusual mission, and it seems to me that you are the perfect candidate to volunteer for it," Dumbledore said, sucking loudly on the muggle sweet and leaning back into his chair.
Somehow the wizard's eyes seemed beadier in this light. Remus waited.
"I will of course understand if you turn down this opportunity, Remus, that you may be too frightened to go," Dumbledore said. "Other Order members may be more-"
Remus' jaw tightened. The words you bastard and what the fuck once more presented themselves as appropriate responses.
"Other Order members have no idea how little I fear most things," Remus said, his eyes narrowing.
"Yes, of course, Remus, I am well aware that compared to most-" Dumbledore said, with a placating raise of his palms.
"What mission?" Remus asked.
"A mission to infiltrate Fenrir Greyback's werewolf pack. I am aware you have already made his acquaintance," Dumbledore said. "To see if they can be persuaded to abandon their leader and join our side in the war."
Remus felt a cold shiver of dread run down his spine. His old Headmaster couldn't be serious, surely. That was a hopeless mission, a pointless waste of life, a …
Greyback…
An ear-splitting scream of terror, his own. Rabid eyes. Massive yellow canines lunging towards him, saliva dripping off them. Laughter and howling.
"Tell your Daddy I said hello!"
A tearing sensation as huge teeth sank into his hip. Another ear-splitting scream, this time of pain…
He felt his hands tremble and gripped the edges of the armchair in agitation.
"If you'd rather not, I am sure I can persuade another member of the Order to pretend to be a werewolf. With some clever Transfiguration spells, which many of our members are particularly gifted at, especially your own friends-" Dumbledore said.
"No!" Remus said, standing up suddenly and staring hard at the other man, his breathing erratic. "Merlin no! You have no idea…"
His voice trailed off again, his heart hammering wildly against his ribcage.
"So, Mr. Lupin, you don't feel you can bring yourself to-" Dumbledore said.
"No!" Remus practically shouted. "I'll do it! Don't even think about asking anyone else… I'll do it, alright?"
"I see," Dumbledore smiled kindly again. "My deepest apologies Remus, how very brave of you. I should never have doubted you."
Remus bit the side of his lip. This was akin to agreeing to a suicide mission. Any sane individual would have refused to accept the offer. But surely Dumbledore had guessed he would never allow any of his friends or colleagues to go instead of him, to risk being turned? The bastard must have known all along. Yet he owed so much to this old man, this powerful wizard, the one they were all relying on to beat Voldemort and to win this war. The one who had given him a chance. Who had risked his reputation by allowing him into Hogwarts. Who had not expelled him after the disastrous Prank in Fifth Year. Maybe he was being unkind and unfair to the man. Perhaps this mission was genuinely important?
"No need to apologise, Sir," Remus said with a small smile, extending his hand out.
"Thank you, Remus," Dumbledore said, shaking his hand warmly. "I do appreciate your help in this war. I shall contact you shortly with more information about this entire affair. Please remember to keep this top secret."
"Yes, Sir," said Remus.
"Did you really have to treat that poor chap so shabbily, Albus?" Dearborn said, entering the room as Remus left and glaring at Dumbledore.
"Needs must, Caradoc," said Dumbledore, falling back into his armchair with a sigh. "We are at war."
"He would have agreed to it without you resorting to those tactics!" Dearborn said, touching his right arm.
It was at times like these he wished he could go back to the murky world of the Auror Department, riddled though it might be with enemy spies. At least he knew exactly what he was dealing with. Working with Dumbledore was akin to trusting a cobra with a penchant for sherbert lemons.
"I am sorry, I do like Mr. Lupin, he is an excellent young man, and I have high hopes for him, but he is the only one who can get this job done. I could not afford to take any chances," Dumbledore said, looking aggrieved, as though someone had wounded him.
"Ha!" Dearborn scoffed. "Your usual line, Albus, for the greater good? What's the point of sending him to Greyback's lair? You and I both know there isn't a hope in hell of Remus turning those werewolves against that… monster?"
Dumbledore steepled his hands once more and regarded Dearborn calmly over his half-moon spectacles.
"You are incorrect to say there is no hope, Caradoc. There is very little hope. That is a difference worth exploring," Dumbledore said.
"Even if he pays for it with his life?" Dearborn said, surprised at the bitterness this evoked.
Dumbledore looked at him steadily.
"And besides, he will know there is no hope, practically none, and he will bolt at the earliest convenience!" Dearborn added.
"Remus Lupin is a very idealistic and brave young man, and he thinks he can win them over," Dumbledore said with mild amusement, rifling through his bowl of sweets.
"Only because he believes you think so!" Dearborn said.
"Exactly," Dumbledore said, popping a toffee bonbon into his mouth. "He may yet prove us wrong."
…
He opened the door quietly. The room was dimly lit by the fire and the large candles on either side of the infirmary bed. James looked the same, somewhere between life and death. Lily was sitting on a chair, her head lying on the bed beside him, still fully clothed, the dark shadows under her eyes more pronounced in this light. She was holding James' hand. Sirius was nowhere to be seen, but at the foot of the bed, on top of the carefully folded blankets lay Padfoot. He was whimpering in his sleep. The shaggy dog opened his eyes briefly, fixing Remus with his mournful grey eyes.
"Sleep, Padfoot," Remus said quietly. "I'll stay up. I'll call Poppy if there's any changes. There's nothing more we can do."
Padfoot yelped quietly, turning to look at Lily and James and then looked back at Remus and whined. He was looking at Remus accusingly. Where had he disappeared off to, why hadn't he comforted Lily? Did he not care?
"I'm sorry," Remus said.
It sounded curt. Inadequate.
What more could he say?
Padfoot whined once again, dropping his head into his paws, looking dejected.
Remus sat on the ground, his head in his hands. He could go over, talk to Sirius, but his boyfriend always knew if he was hiding anything from him, and he was too tired to make up an excuse for what had just happened. Too tired, too traumatised, too selfish…
He stayed where he was.
Padfoot slept fitfully, beset by nightmares.
Remus did not sleep a wink. He did not allow himself to sleep. The fear of nightmares kept him awake, as though he was four years old again. Besides, he did not deserve to sleep.
….
"The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad," - G.K. Chesterton
* Wicklow lighthouse, Co. Wicklow, Ireland: this lighthouse is real and beautiful – you can stay in it (although it wouldn't have been restored in the 1970s but poetic licence and all that): property/wicklow-head-lighthouse/
** Venus Anadyomene –Venus, the goddess of love, arising from the sea.
*** Póg mo thóin - Irish for kiss my arse
**** V sign - Rude English hand sign that derives from the middle ages. During the 100 years war, the French would cut off the middle and index fingers of any English bowman so as they could never shoot again. The English would taunt the French by showing their fingers, so as to say "I can still shoot you!" although todays meaning is more or less "fuck off you twat."
Notes:
Hope that wasn't too confusing? Lily placed Snape under the Imperius Curse and then used Polyjuice potion to turn herself into Snape and vice versa, as an extra precaution. As she was controlling Snape's mind, Lily was able to make Snape (looking like Lily) curse Mulciber. In canon, people under the Imperius Curse could be made to use all sorts of curses etc, I made Lily able to decide what Snape said, which I think seems believable? The potion was wearing off by the time Lily apparated with James. If it's too confusing let me know and I'll try to change it! Lily is afraid of becoming like the Death Eaters and of her homicidal thoughts when she saw James in the oubliette, I hope that explains why she says she feels bad about potentially being the cause of Snape's death? Some people thought her attitude was bad and she should have exacted revenge on him... but that's not how I see Lily's character here. But your ideas are very welcome? Your thoughts on Dumbledore's treatment of Remus? I just thought he would...
Any feedback welcome as always, thank you so much xxx
