Chapter 18-
They stayed one more night in the village just to be certain Ben's health was indeed back to normal. With the special care from their hosts and the Force healing session with Rey, he was finally ready to venture out to the rest of the island. Truth be told, he was starting to feel a bit confined, and, while he appreciated the unexpected kindness of the Caretakers, he was ready to be alone. Well… not entirely alone.
Ever since that kiss on the beach, he and Rey had not had a moment alone together. Once she informed the Lanai they would be leaving the next day, the Caretakers had sprung into overdrive making sure they had enough food and supplies for a few days. His little friend even seemed to forgive him. They were all sitting around the big fire after sundown, when the little girl cautiously approached him clutching her prized doll, uncertain of how he might react. Sensing her uncertainty, he reached out his hand and said, "Can I see it?" She broke into a huge grin and hurried over to him to share her toy. He took it, examining the surprising craftsmanship closely. "It's a good doll," he stated, handing it back to her. She cuddled it close, then quickly hugged Ben's leg before trotting off to find her friends.
Rey watched, her heart softening even more for this man. It was hard to believe he was the same person she had first encountered back in the forest of Takodana. He caught her staring at him and offered her one of those slight, lop-sided grins. The way the firelight lit up his face made him even more handsome. Earlier on the beach, she wasn't sure what had made her suddenly decide to kiss him, but she didn't regret it.
The next morning they were up with the twin sunrise, both eager to be on their way. The healer insisted on checking Ben over one last time before granting her 'permission' for him to leave with a curt nod of approval. Rey was still amazed at how the Force had worked to heal Ben. At the least, she had hoped it would speed the process along. However, she never dreamed it would do such a thorough job. It seemed every day offered some new discovery about the power of the Force.
It had started with that simple touch in the hut all those months ago and led to their combined fight against Snoke's guards. Any time they joined together served to strengthen their connection. Something about being with him just felt...right...like it was meant to be.
The Caretakers had prepared two large bags stuffed with food, blankets and other supplies for them. She observed him as she gathered her own bag. Several younglings gathered around him chattering away, clearly upset about his upcoming departure. He looked her way, totally out of his element, and she bit her tongue to keep from laughing at his obvious dismay. The little girl was back, tugging on his pant leg to get his attention. When he looked at her, she motioned for him to lean down. Surprisingly, he crouched down, and as soon as he did, she threw her arms around his neck in a hug. Ben's eyes shot wide open in shock and his arms hung awkwardly at his sides. When was the last time he had been hugged? Rey wondered. As quickly as it started, it ended with the tiny girl pulling away, offering one last little wave before running off with her friends.
"That was very sweet," Rey said walking over to where he was still squatting. He cleared his throat and stood up, not knowing exactly how to respond.
"Are we ready to go then?" he asked, changing the subject quickly.
Rey smiled knowingly. "I think so. Sure you're up for a climb?" He nodded and started to walk away. "Aren't you forgetting something?" she called after him. He stopped and turned around to find her holding up the bags given to them by the Lanai. "I know you're used to having your underlings do all of your menial tasks, but if you're expecting me to carry both of these bags, you'd better think again." With that she tossed one of the bags at him, which he caught with an "oof!" She hoisted her own bag over her shoulder and took off.
Ben watched her walk away down the beach and smiled to himself. She was certainly feisty. He liked it. And she was right. He was used to other people doing all of the little things for him. As Supreme Leader he never had to concern himself with carrying bags, cooking a meal, or cleaning up after himself. It was all done for him. It had been quite some time since he had been solely dependent upon himself.
Well, himself and one incredibly spunky, intriguing, young Jedi.
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The view from the cluster of Jedi huts was breathtaking. Ben stood on the edge of the cliff and gazed out at the water and the clear blue sky surrounding them. In the years after he left the Jedi temple, he traveled to countless worlds of varying landscapes and cultures. However, he shamefully could not recall any of them in detail. He'd been so consumed with exerting control or gaining power that he never stopped to notice the beauty of his surroundings. What had changed to make him so self-reflective?
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
He turned at Rey's question to look at her. "It is," he replied.
She set her bags down and rolled out the kink in her shoulders. "You can take whichever hut you like. They're all pretty much the same." She saw him glance toward the one with an X-wing panel as a door. "That was Luke's," she added, watching to see how he would respond.
He stared at the hut that was home to his uncle, former mentor, and eventual nemesis. For some reason, he felt compelled to go inside, like the Force had something it needed him to see. So, in he went. His eyes needed a few seconds to adjust to the dimness, but soon he could see the simple, austere interior. A bunk was along one side wall, a fire pit in the middle, and a couple of stone shelf-like alcoves along another wall. The shelves were what drew his attention. Slowly, he made his way over to one and noted several objects resting there. None of them were familiar to him, so he moved to the next one and stopped immediately.
He inhaled deeply at the sight of them lying there in front of him- a pair of golden dice...his father's dice. He swallowed hard and tentatively reached out to touch them. Would they disappear this time like they did on Crait? Seeing them shot a searing pain through his heart. Hesitantly, he picked them up and let them coil into his palm, remembering how he loved to play with them as a boy. They had usually hung in the Falcon's cockpit. His father told him he kept them there as a constant reminder of all he had gone through in life and how lucky he was to have found a woman like Leia and have a son like him.
He startled at the feel of Rey's hand on his back.
"You okay?" she asked, concern etched on her face.
"Fine," he choked out, closing his large hand around the keepsake, then he turned and left the hut.
She gave him some space for a while and settled her few belongings in the same hut she had used the last time. Ben chose a hut across from hers and, she assumed, was likewise making himself comfortable. The sight of those dice had really affected him. She recalled seeing them hanging in the Falcon and knew they had belonged to Han. What must be going through his mind? She could only imagine.
Some time later, he came outside and appeared to have composed himself. She pulled out some of the food the Caretakers sent with them and they ate lunch outside overlooking the ocean. The winds whipped his dark hair around his face as he stared silently ahead, arms resting on his knees. He was dealing with something deep because she could sense his inner struggle as if it were her own. Their connection was intensifying the longer they were on the island. Finally, she ventured a question.
"What will you do now?"
He kept staring ahead, as if he anticipated her question. "I don't know," he replied honestly, dropping his arms and hanging his head down. "What can I do?"
Rey mulled over her response. "Well, you could stay here. It's out of the way. No one else knows about it."
He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "HIde away like a hermit? Like Luke? No, thank you."
For some reason, that answer was a relief. She asked her next question, holding her breath as she waited for his reply. "Will you go back to the First Order then?"
Ben thought about it for a moment. "I suppose I could. Not all of the troops are loyal to Hux, I'm sure. He is a condescending, presumptuous putz, after all."
She chuckled, and he shot her another grin. But it was fleeting, and his serious expression returned.
"Do you want to go back?"
"Where else would I go? To the Resistance?" he said with a snort. "I don't think they'd welcome me with open arms."
"You might be surprised," she offered hopefully. He looked at her with a 'get real' expression. "Maybe," she added lamely. "You could actually do a lot of good, you know."
He gazed sadly back out at the sea. "It would never be enough."
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Ben was done talking and stood up. "I'm going for a walk." Rey's questions were forcing him to face things he wasn't ready to deal with just yet. Some time alone would do him good. He took off not knowing where he was going, but the island was only so big. He couldn't get lost.
As he walked, he took the time to notice the abundance of life all around him- the flowers sprouting up in patches along the path, the funny-looking little bird-like creatures Rey called Porgs, even an unusual, large creature that appeared to be lounging on a giant boulder, intermittently spraying water out of its long snout. He could feel the Force here, strong and pure. No wonder Luke had chosen it as his place for self-exile.
Ever since waking up on board the Falcon, he was starting to feel...lighter...less weighed down by the anger, fear and pain that had hounded him for years. Being with Rey somehow calmed his troubled soul. Having her care for him and being treated so kindly by the Caretakers had done something to him. It felt...good to be treated that way. For a fleeting moment, he thought maybe he should be more eager to get back to the First Order, to exact his revenge on Hux and his traitorous minions and resume command. But he just couldn't muster any enthusiasm for it. Well, except for getting revenge on Hux.
So, what did he want then? What would he do? What could he do? What should he do?
His mother sprang to mind, her message to him replaying vividly. She had offered to leave everything to go with him anywhere he wanted to go if he would just come home to her. It was surprisingly tempting. Go someplace far away. Make a new start with a new identity, hoping no one ever found out who he really was. However, he knew that would not work. He didn't want to live with the fear of being found hanging over his head. And, he admitted grudgingly, he would never ask his mother to give up her fight. That was part of what made her who she was. He couldn't help it, but he loved her too much to ever ask it of her. It was what had kept him from pulling the trigger on her command ship months ago.
What then?
The power and control of the First Order suddenly held no appeal for him. What had once been a burning desire to conquer and prove himself a master of the Dark Side, no longer called to him.
So what did?
Rey.
But it wasn't just her. It was that pull to the Light...that tiny glimmer of hope that whispered things could be different...that he could be different. HIs heart beat faster thinking about the possibility of a life not consumed by the Dark, but instead filled with hope and love. Maybe he could-
A sound interrupted his thoughts. It was an almost incomprehensible whisper-soft chorus of voices, floating on the breeze. He looked around searching for the source as it continued to softly fill the air. It seemed to call to him, urging him to follow its lead. He stood and started off in the direction it led, over more hills and winding paths, eventually ending at a secluded section of the island close to the shore. He stood on a ledge overlooking a large hole in the ground. All around its opening were some kind of vines, creeping out like the tentacles of some unseen creature. A chill traveled up his spine and out to the tips of his fingers and toes. He knew what it meant. That was a place inhabited by the Dark Side, and it had summoned him here.
Leaping down from the ledge, he cautiously approached the opening. The strength of the evil emanating from inside made him nauseous, something that had not occurred since the night Luke's temple was destroyed. He fought the feeling, then crouched down to peer inside the pit. Before he could stop himself, he lost his footing and slipped, falling head first into the hole. Calling on his Force abilities, he was able to stop himself before smacking into the surface of the water. Instead,he eased himself into the pool and swam towards the beach area he saw not too far away. Once out and on dry land, he took a moment to wring out his shirt and shake out some of the water from his hair. He slicked it back out of his face and took a look around. Not much to see, he noted, but the sense of dread hung heavy in the air. Then, through the dim light, he saw it- the opening of a cave.
Instantly, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, he knew it was the cave from his dream. He also knew if he was ever to figure out his next move, he would have to face whatever was inside. Clenching his jaw and his fists, and mustering his resolve, he stepped inside.
The whispers that led him here continued on as he made his way through the tunnel. Plunging deeper inside, he kept looking ahead, waiting for what he knew he would see, and in a few more steps, there it was- a faint light around the last bend. Before going any further, he paused to turn around, peering back into the darkness from which he'd just traveled. He was waiting for the voice, the one that drudged up every doubt and insecurity he had. Instead he was met with complete silence. Even the whispers had ceased. The only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat.
He turned back toward the light and started forward again. He refused to be afraid of the Dark. It had been his companion for so long. Maybe too long.
Soon enough, he rounded the bend and was surprised to find himself in some kind of illuminated, large, underground chamber. On the far end of the room was an odd-looking wall. He stepped closer and realized it was not an ordinary wall. The surface was as smooth as glass, but cloudy, like a frosted mirror. He reached out to wipe it off so he could see more clearly, when a voice stopped him cold.
"What do you think you'll see?"
Whirling around he came face to face with his old master. "Snoke," he said with a snarl. The sight of him filling the room gave Ben some misgivings. It couldn't really be him, not after Ben had sliced him completely in half with a lightsaber. So was it some kind of Dark Side Force ghost or just a figment of his own imagination?
"In the mirror," Snoke continued," what do you think you'll see? Who do you think you'll see? Kylo Ren, heir to Lord Vader? Or Ben Solo, disappointing end to the Skywalker legacy?"
Ben's nostrils flared. Snoke's words hit their mark all too easily, as he slowly sauntered around the chamber.
"Ben Solo," he spat out and then chuckled his disgusting laugh. "You hated that name once, remember? You told me so, many times, as I recall. However, now, you don't seem to mind whenever 'she' uses it. Why is that, I wonder? Is it because she has sparked some small bit of pointless hope deep within your blackened heart? Made you believe that you can go back to the Light Side after all you've done?"
They began circling each other slowly, Ben silent and wary… Snoke's vision smirking with malice.
"Ah," he said. "I see. You care for her." He watched carefully for a reaction. "You know, you can have her without giving up all you've acquired. She cares for you, too. Use it. Use her weakness, her compassion for you against her to get what you want. Imagine what it could be."
Instantly, the image of Snoke dissolved and another took its place...Rey. But not as he knew her. No, she was dressed all in black, and while she was still beautiful, her eyes looked different somehow...almost empty. A cruel smile spread across her face. He didn't like this version of her. She sashayed over to stand in front of him, gazing up into his eyes, sliding a hand up his chest and into the hair at the back of his neck.
"Ben," she said seductively, "you know you could have me. I could be yours...completely." She leaned up and started placing kisses along his jawline. While this was something he had, in fact, fantasized about for longer than he'd care to admit, something wasn't right. This wasn't really Rey- at least not a version of her he was interested in.
He grabbed her hand at the back of his head and pushed her away. "No," he said firmly. She approached him again, but he stepped back out of her reach. Anger flashed in her vacant eyes and a malicious smirk twisted the corners of her mouth.
"Do you really think she'll want you when she finds out all you've done? She's too pure...too good. She could never accept you as long as she's on the Light side. Let's remember some of your past deeds, shall we?"
Suddenly, all around him were scenes from throughout his life being replayed right in front of his eyes. The day his parents sent him away to train with Luke. He had begged and pleaded not to go. Waking up in his academy hut to find Luke hovering over him, saber lit. The burning rubble of the Jedi temple, running away to Snoke, joining the Knights of Ren, killing his former Jedi classmate, bleeding his crystal, killing Lor San Tekka, plunging his saber through his father on Starkiller Base…
The evidence of his dark choices swarmed around him closer and closer, beating down his soul and squelching that tiny spark of hope that had just started to take hold.
"She could never love you," Rey's vision spoke. "No one could forgive you for all you've done. There's simply no use fighting it. You belong to the Dark Side, Kylo Ren You will never again be Ben Solo."
The images swirled relentlessly around him faster and faster, stoking the once fading embers of doubt and despair. He had done many horrible things, things he knew deserved no forgiveness...things he would never forgive himself for doing. Seeing them all at once was almost too much to bear.
He hunched down with his hands on his head, willing it all to stop. "No," he muttered, "no!"
Rey laughed. "Did you honestly believe you could escape your destiny?"
As she spoke the last word, her voice changed. It became the voice he heard in his dream, unfamiliar but dark… frightening in its tone of pure evil. He glanced up, but only saw the swirling images, not the speaker.
"You, young fool," it spat derisively, "you cannot become anything other than what you are. There are no happy endings for you once you've started down the dark path. It is useless to think otherwise."
"No," Ben repeated. "No, no…"
The voice started laughing, a cruel cackle, and Ben felt it reverberate inside his skull. Try as he might, he couldn't force it out.
"Give yourself fully to the Dark Side, my boy. Only then will you understand your true potential. Snoke taught you well, but your training is not yet complete. You are capable of much much more, but there is no room for silly attachments. Give in to the pain. Give in to the hate. Feel the power it can give. Forget this foolish dream of returning to the Light. Nothing you could do would ever be enough to earn forgiveness."
Just then, the scene of his father and him standing on the catwalk bridge froze right in front of him- his saber penetrating through his father's heart while Han's hand lovingly cupped his son's face.
It was too much.
"No...no...no...NOOOOOO!" Ben yelled as loudly as he could, holding his head tightly in his hands. He jumped up and flung out his arms, mustering all of his Force strength and pushed hard. A flash of light flared and the image vanished along with the voice.
Then he was alone. Just like he always had been.
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Rey tried to keep herself busy around the huts, tried not to wonder where he'd gone or what he was doing. But it didn't work. She couldn't get him out of her head. When he hadn't returned after a couple of hours, she started to worry. Silly, she knew. He was more than capable of taking care of himself against any dangers this island could offer.
As the minutes passed, she started feeling more uneasy, almost as if the Force was trying to get her attention. A sense of foreboding descended upon her and she couldn't shake the feeling that Ben needed her help. She stopped what she'd been doing and took off right toward where she knew he would be...the cave.
She ran as fast as she could, careful not to stumble on the rocks, which were practically everywhere. Every second increased her desperation to reach him. What was happening to him to make her feel this way?
Finally, she arrived and paused for just a moment at the edge of that dark mouth. The Dark Side lived here. It had taunted her with the secret of her parents, only to leave her feeling more alone than ever. Until Ben. He had shown up for her in her time of need, and now she would do the same. She dove headfirst into the maw, knowing the water waited below. Still not the most skilled swimmer, she didn't let it slow her down. Soon enough she emerged and headed straight for the cave opening. A sudden rumbling sounded as she entered and it caused her to momentarily lose her balance. She recovered and kept going despite the continued rumblings. She had to get to him no matter what. Pebbles started raining down along the cave walls, and she sped up. A glimmer of light shone up ahead. That had to be where he was.
Finally, rounding the last bend, she entered the opening that contained the mirror wall. Ben was there in the middle, crouched as low as he could go, clutching his head in his hands, repeating over and over, "No...no...no."
He was in distress, but before she could do or say anything else, he sprang up, thrust out his hands and screamed one final, primal, "Nooooooo!"
A loud cracking sound echoed in the chamber, and Rey saw the line of a break start streaking across one wall and begin a path around the rest of the room. More pebbles began to fall from the ceiling, turning into larger rocks. Ben stood totally still, breathing heavily, apparently oblivious to the fact that his outburst might bring down the cave around him.
"Ben!" she yelled and ran to him. He turned to face her, but didn't seem to really see her. His eyes seemed focused on something she could not see.
"No!" he muttered in despair, the pitiful look on his face breaking her heart. His bottom lip trembled and tears welled in his eyes. She reached up and touched his face tenderly.
"Ben," she said softly. Thankfully, it got his attention and he looked at her, finally realizing she was right there in front of him.
"Rey?" he said in confusion. She smiled reassuringly and nodded.
"We have to get out of here," she declared, as more rocks fell, one narrowly missing them where they stood. He glanced around, suddenly noticing the predicament they were in. The two of them watched as the ever-expanding crack traveled swiftly to the mirror wall. Then, starting as a tiny fissure, it rapidly spread across the surface like a spider's web. The rumbling grew louder and louder and the ground shifted beneath their feet. Rey lost her balance, but he caught her in his arms and righted her only to grab her hand and start running.
It was just in the nick of time as behind them the mirror chamber crumbled in an avalanche of stone. The destruction dogged their every step as they raced to the exit, dodging the falling rocks. One managed to land a blow on Rey's face right above her eye, and she could feel the blood dripping down the side of her temple. It took all her effort to keep up with his long strides.
With one last burst of speed, they were out of the cave and back on the shore, bent over trying to catch their breath. They turned and watched as the entrance to the cave was completely blocked off… sealed forever.
