Chapter 18

I let myself lose track of time, it's just easier that way, to let myself become numb to what's happening around me. That makes it easier to just exist, to let time flow past me, without paying any attention to the details. I think Piper has definitely noticed, but she's trying to be patient. Don't get me wrong, I still want to spend as much time with her as possible, but I know I'm not saying as much. I just…exist. I can't be bothered trying to explain my feelings, I can't be bothered talking about how angry I still am at Diane for agreeing to visit my dad in prison, I just…..can't. So I sit there, I talk when I need to, I engage when other people approach me, but I never initiate the engagement, no way. I know why I've fallen into this hole – Diane will be out of rehab next week. She'll get out of rehab, and the first thing she'll do is go visit my fucking dad. She won't come to see me, no, she'll go running straight to him. Straight to the man that abused both of us, and fuck, she'll probably like it. She probably misses him on some level.

Maybe she loves him more than she loves me…..

My mind has become a bit of a black hole, and I can't be bothered trying to stop it. It doesn't help that on this particular Monday morning, I have another session with Ms Mendoza. She probably means well, but I really don't have the energy today. I'm sitting across from her, not angry, not sad, just…nothing. We sit there staring at each other for a while, until she finally breaks the silence.

"I know this week is tough, that your mum is getting out of rehab soon."

I stay silent, I just keep staring at her with the same blank look on my face. She looks back at me, and I think I see a hint of empathy in her eyes. At least she's not angry, I suppose.

"Do you want to talk to her when she gets out?"

Now, that was one question I was more than happy to answer, "No."

Mendoza doesn't flinch, "I get that, you're angry at her,"

Now I look her dead in the eye, "Yes, I'm fucking angry."

"I'd be angry at her too," that is not the response I was expecting, and she keeps going, "Irene told me about her visiting your dad, that's a tough pill to swallow."

How the fuck am I meant to respond to that? It's more than a hard pill to swallow, it's fucking killing me.

"Alex, you need to put your own wellbeing first here. Don't feel like you need to do anything to appease your mum or your dad, you need to focus on what you need right now."

But my mind is slowing drifting away again, "I don't have a mum or dad. All I have is Irene, and Piper."

"You got me too."

"I don't need your pity."

She still doesn't get angry with me, "It's not pity Alex, it's empathy. I've had plenty of issues with my own mother, and I know it's never easy."

I'm not sure why, but I decide now is the perfect time to be a smart ass. This woman is trying to connect with me, and I try and push her away.

"Did your mum pick your abusive dad over you?"

Now it's her turn to be silent, she wasn't expecting that one.

"No, she didn't. I never knew my father very well, but my mum and I had our own issues. Not the same as what's happening between you and Diane, but still hard. I don't know what it's like to be you, but I do know what it's like to struggle with a parent."

No matter how hard I try and push her away lately, she never takes the bait. Maybe it's time to stop….

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

My session with Mendoza has been stuck in my head all day, I can't stop running it through my head. Fuck I wish I could talk to Piper about it, but she's catching up with her mum after school today. I start walking towards the bus stop when I see a figure standing near the fence, it's Diane.

She's meant to still be in rehab! What the fuck is she doing here!

Before I can even tell myself to run, she's standing in front of me, I feel like I might pass out if I keep standing still, I need to get away from her.

"Fuck off," I try to push past her, but she stops me.

"Please baby, you gotta talk to me."

Those words change everything, "Why the fuck would I want to talk to you!" I let myself lash out, and damn it feels good. But of course my yelling draws peoples attention, including Ms Mendoza, who is on after school duty and has been standing near the bus stop the whole time. I see her walking towards where me and Diane are standing and our eyes lock, I feel like I probably have a pathetic begging look in my eyes. This is one time I want her to interfere, I want her to get Diane away from me.

"Everything okay here?" Ms Mendoza gives me a sympathetic look, before she turns to Diane.

Diane looks heartbroken, and I jump in before she can say anything, "Can you take me home?"

Of course it's not normal for staff to drive students home, but it's the first thing that comes out of my mouth.

"Yeah, sure, meet me in my office in 20 minutes."

I nod and practically run back towards the main building, I have no interest in sticking around to hear whatever pathetic sob story Diane feeds her.

It doesn't take long for Ms Mendoza to come back to her office, where I've been sitting for the last 10 minutes.

"Ready to head home?"

The realisation that she's actually offering to take me home makes me feel pathetic, and I try to back out of it, "No, it's fine I can catch the bus, I just….it just came out. I didn't know what else to say…."

"Alex, it's fine. Irene's house isn't far from here, I'll take you home."

"Okay, thanks," I'm not sure why but I'm too embarrassed to look her in the eye. I stand up and follow her out towards the parking lot. She keeps her promise and drives me home, and doesn't ask me a single question on what happened with Diane. It's not long before she stops the car in front of Irene's house, and I feel compelled to offer some sort of explanation for my outburst.

"I really hate her right now."

She keeps looking straight ahead as she talks, "I know, I would too."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The afternoon with my mum went better than I expected. She picked me up from school and we went to the mall, which probably helped. We weren't stuck in a room with no option but to talk to each other. We could walk through the shops, look at different things, try on clothes, so many different distractions. It takes away a lot of the pressure, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I'm so glad she doesn't take me back to the house, I'm afraid my dad will be there, and I'm not ready to face him. Even though he never got physical with me, he's the one that pushed mum over the edge, he's the one that cheated, and I don't think he's ever bothered to apologise to her.

I know Desi's working night shift, so I get mum to drop me off at Irene's house. I haven't technically organised it, but I don't think she'll mind. I didn't see Alex at school today, all I want is to hang out with her for a while, Desi will never know.

I knock on the front door and can't stop myself from smiling when I see Alex on the other side of the open door, "Hey Al."

She gives me a tired smile and leans in for a hug, "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't see you all day, and Desi won't be home for hours, I thought I could sneak in a quick visit. Is Irene home?"

Alex shakes her head, "She just called, she's on her way home now."

We walk into the hallway and Alex shuts the front door. I know she's happy to see me, but she looks tired. I know I haven't spent as much time with her over the last couple of weeks, I've been spending more time with my mum, but I've noticed the change in her. She seems more distant, and I know it's because of Diane. We went through so much crap to find her, and now I feel like she's betraying Alex all over again. Alex thought Diane would be her ticket away from Desi, her ticket to some happiness, and for a while having Diane back did make her happy. But Diane's old habits are dying hard, she still doesn't know how to say no to Alex's dad. Which doesn't even make sense to me, I mean fuck, she practically ran away from him! But as soon as he called her, she went running straight back. So yeah, I know why Alex isn't herself, but I don't want to push her.

Alex leads me to her room and pulls me onto the bed. She doesn't say anything, she doesn't need to, all we do is lie down together. It's the closest I've felt to her all week.

I lean my head on her shoulder and look at her face, but she won't look me in the eye, "How was your day?"

I'm relieved when she finally turns to look at me, "It was okay, I had another session with Mendoza."

"And?"

"I don't know, she kinda surprised me today, it was nice."

That makes me smile, "That's awesome."

Alex smiles and leans in closer to me, "You didn't think she was so awesome when she told Desi I skipped school."

I know it's meant to be a joke, but all it does is remind me of all the shitty things Desi did, and how petrified I was of what he would do to Alex.

I'm pretty sure she notices the weird look on my face, but instead of saying anything more, she pulls me into another hug.

"How's your mum?"

"She took me shopping, which is great for two reasons. Number 1, we don't need to talk to each other that much, and number 2, she bought me a new dress."

That comment gets Alex's attention, "Mmmhh, a new dress. Will you model it for me?"

"Only if you're good."

I'm about to slip my hands under Alex's top when I hear the front door, Irene's home.

"Alex, where are you?"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Irene isn't exactly thrilled that I'm here without permission from Desi, but she doesn't get mad at me. She lets me stay for dinner, so long as she drops me home straight after. Being in this house, right here with Irene and Alex, it feels so comfortable. But not only comfortable, it feels safe too.

Alex goes to brush her teeth after dinner while Irene takes a call. I decide to make myself useful and start clearing the dishes, but it's almost impossible to not hear Irene's voice from the next room. She's not quite shouting into the phone, but she's definitely angry about something. I stop what I'm doing and step closer to the hallway, I want to know what's going on.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

This is exactly why I didn't want Diane back in Alex's life, she's still just a kid, and none of this is good for her. Gloria called me while I was still at work to tell me about Diane showing up at school. I don't know how she managed to get out of rehab early, but then to try and corner Alex at school, she's not thinking straight. Alex is the one getting hurt here, and I need to protect her.

"You can't show up at her school unannounced! What were you thinking?"

"I needed to talk to her! She won't answer my calls, she is completely avoiding me! She is one of the only reasons I even went to rehab, and now she hates me. I know I haven't been there for her, but I still love her. I never stopped thinking about her, even when I wasn't around."

"Diane, you don't understand what you're doing to her."

"And you're not her mother!"

"I'm more of a mother to her that you've ever been!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

I'm still glued to the spot, I hear every word Irene says.

She just showed up at school…..

I'm not necessarily surprised that Alex didn't tell me any of this, but it still makes me worried. I don't want her to push me away, I want her to talk to me, I can help her.

I'm lost in my own little world when Irene walks back into the kitchen and runs straight into me, and it couldn't be any more obvious that I was eavesdropping.

Irene sighs and sits down at the kitchen table, I sit across from her.

"What happened?"

But she just shakes her head, "It's not for me to say."

But I hear Alex's voice come up behind me before I can say anything, "What's not for you to say?"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Fuck, as soon as I walk back into that kitchen, I know exactly what's happened. This fucking day can't get any worse.

"Diane called you, didn't she?"

Irene nods, and somehow, I don't know how, I resist the urge to hide in my room and sit next to Piper. I sit next to Irene and wait for her to say something.

"Actually, I called her, I know she tried to talk to you after school today."

I get the same feeling as the last couple of times Irene has stood up for me, it's a good feeling, maybe I can even call it love. Because as much as I've complained about Irene over the years, she's the one adult in my life that's never hurt me.

I slip an arm around her shoulders and lean into her, I slowly close my eyes. This is easier than talking, I wouldn't know what to say any way. This one action conveys everything she needs to know – the fact that I'm tired, I can't be bothered dealing with Diane right now, but most importantly, the fact that I trust her.

I keep my eyes glued to kitchen table as I feel Irene pull me in close to her. I finally look up at Piper, she seems relieved.

I finally hear Irene's voice again, "We've had enough drama to last us all a life time. We should all do something this weekend, give ourselves a treat for getting through all this."

That sounds completely perfect, and for a moment I can almost forget about how much of a shitty day I've had.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Irene needs to make a couple of work calls before she drops me back at Desi's, giving me a few more moments alone with Alex. We're back in her room, lying on her bed face to face, I can't stop leaning in to kiss her.

Eventually I pull away, "Alex, tell me what to do. We need to keep talking to each other, no matter what happens."

Her eyes lock onto mine, and she seems to genuinely contemplate my question.

"Convince my mum to pick me for once. Make sure she doesn't visit my dad, find out if she even fucking cares about me. Fuck it, rewind the last 10 years of my life, give me the perfect family, living in the perfect house, with perfect parents."

There isn't any spite or anger in her voice, just the same tiredness she's been carrying around for the last couple of weeks. But then she leans in closer, and I feel her voice against my ear.

"Actually no, scratch that. Just make sure that no matter what the situation is, you're with me."

I wrap my arms around her and kiss her again, "We can do whatever we want when we're 18. No more department, no more foster families. It can just be us in our own apartment."