He'd slept fitfully for a time, and Luna had returned in the night, the storm still raging, dark circles under her eyes. They didn't speak of their Albus or Neville's nascent plan. Luna had always been practical, and while she sometimes needed to brood on an idea for a time, she would accept good sense.
They had simply shared a tired smile, and she'd briefly clasped his hand before again opening Don Quixote. Sometime later, the candle guttering, she read:
"I was born free, and that I might live in freedom I chose the solitude of the fields; in the trees of the mountains I find society, the clear waters of the brooks are my mirrors, and to the trees and waters I make known my thoughts and charms. I am a fire afar off, a sword laid aside."
He couldn't catch his breath. Was this what Voldemort wanted, despite his protestations? A sword laid aside. If Harry could somehow free him, would Voldemort leave piracy behind and build a life with him?
Despite the storm's fury, reminding him that there was no easy path, Harry yearned for fields and trees, clear waters and freedom. And Voldemort had confessed it once as well.
"I could find a quiet island. Build a home strong enough to withstand the summer storms. Fish and farm. Stay close to safe harbour."
"Darling?"
Luna asked,
"Are you feeling unwell?"
"No. Fine."
Is he safe now?
She pressed her hand to his forehead,
"Are you certain? You were trembling."
"I'm sure. I… I was thinking of the future."
Luna squeezed his shoulder,
"There's no reason to worry. Albus always lands on his feet, and…"
She sighed,
"Well, you heard Neville. It seems we very well might have another avenue open to us. We shall make the best of it. Mr. Weasley will see you and Ginny well settled."
She frowned at his silence,
"What is it?"
"Ginny…. I can't marry her."
Luna stared in clear shock,
"Surely you don't find her lacking? She has been so steadfast. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, since you've only just met her, really. But when you spend more time with her, I'm certain…"
"It won't matter. I cannot marry her. Luna, I don't love her."
She shook her head with affectionate exasperation,
"Well, not yet. You've had no time together. Love will come, I'm sure of it."
Harry's throat tightened, along with his chest,
"It's impossible."
"Why on Earth is that?"
Glancing to the door, she went and closed it firmly before returning to her chair and folding her hands,
"She is a wonderful match. Practical, to be sure, what with her dowry, but I've grown to love her as a sister already. Truly, she is good and kind. And she possesses a certain…understated beauty."
Luna's brows drew together, her mouth turning down,
"You've never struck me as a man whose head is turned overmuch by fancy faces. I hope you don't mean to reject her on superficial grounds without taking the care to really know her."
"It's not that. She is quite pretty enough. I don't care about that."
"Then what is the issue? This has been planned for months. You are promised to each other. Our fathers have agreed."
She laughed,
"It's not as if you're in love with someone else."
His throat closed completely, and he had to turn his head away from Luna's sharp gaze.
Her fingers were firm on his chin,
"Harry!"
She hissed,
"What is this? Don't tell me all those times you scampered away to fields and forest it was because you were meeting someone?"
A gasp escaped her lips and she pressed a hand to her chest,
"Are you pining? Do you have a secret sweetheart?"
"Please,"
He whispered, barely holding the agony at bay,
"I can't tell you."
Voldemort had left him, yet he couldn't stop hearing his name finally tumble from Voldemort's lips. The way Voldemort had clung to his fingers, the wild fear in his eyes, all artifice stripped before he allowed Harry to be torn away.
"But you can. Of course you can. Anything, my dear. Tell me. Who is the lady?"
In whom could he confide if not Luna? His breath stuttered. Without warning, he stood at the precipice. Outside, torrents of rain streamed down, and in the little windowless room they were as alone as they could be…perhaps as alone as they ever would be again.
His sister watched him with concern, her eyes imploring. Before he could talk himself out of it, he stripped away the last vestiges of the disguise he'd worn since they were children,
"There is no lady. I'm a sodomite."
The words hung there as the wind keened. For a terrible moment, as Luna stared with wide eyes, Harry thought she would abandon him and pretend he'd never spoken at all. Then she sat back, her gaze going distant. He could barely get her name out,
"Luna?"
"I should have known. I should have seen this. Perhaps I did."
She spoke absently, as if to herself. He had to ask, although his stomach churned, fearing the answer,
"I know it's unnatural. A sin. Do you hate me?"
Her gaze snapped to his, and she bolted up straight,
"What? Oh heavens. Never."
She gripped his hand,
"Never. You are my brother."
Blinking back tears, she said,
"More than that. We were always such good chums, weren't we?"
Harry could only nod, his throat too thick for words. He squeezed her fingers.
She swiped at her eyes with her free hand,
"All right."
She nodded to herself, mind clearly working, digesting this revelation,
"Yes. All right."
Her face creased,
"Do you think it a sin? Does it feel like one? To…be the way you are?"
"Perhaps it should, but no. I don't think it a sin anymore. I've accepted it now. I've been this way for almost as long as I can remember, and I wanted to tell you so many times."
"Oh, Harry. Surely you know I would never turn my back on you… Never."
He clung to her hand,
"I prayed you would not."
"Certainly not. No, you are my brother, and well… This is a shock. But you are not an evildoer."
"Still, it's not only my mind that's lacking. I'm not a normal man. I never shall be."
"I promised myself that I would always look after you…."
She broke off with a sudden sob, tears overflowing.
"Did I fail you?"
"No! This is no fault of yours, I promise."
He couldn't fight his own tears,
"No one could have cared for me better, Luna… Thank you."
He pushed up, ignoring the scream of pain in his gut, and pulled her into an embrace as they wept. They were all sniffles and gulping breaths, and when Luna eased back to the chair, she wiped her cheeks,
"All right. Now. Is there someone you…care for?"
Fresh tears threatened as he whispered,
"Yes."
"Yes. All right."
She laughed, slightly giddy, eyes still wet,
"I keep saying that, don't I? I'm sorry. So, this… Well, who is he? Someone from Britain? You often spent time in the woods nearest to that estate. Mr. Stanford, perhaps? He was still unmarried last I heard."
"No, it's no one from home. It's… On the ship…"
Her brows shot up,
"The merchant ship? I don't recall that you spent time with anyone in particular…"
Eyes widening, she whispered,
"You don't mean… My God, the pirate ship?"
He nodded,
"Captain Voldemort."
"The… The captain? The man who took you?"
She waited for his reply, mouth agape.
"Yes. I know what you must be thinking…"
"I don't understand. What are you saying? That you… That you and he… With a pirate? With that nefarious man?"
She gasped,
"When you arrived, you were quite bruised. Tell me truthfully. Did he…ravish you? Force you to submit to his cruel desires?"
"No, I swear. I wanted it. I lay with him willingly."
"But it's unthinkable! Harry, it's…"
Luna pressed her hand to her chest, lowering her voice conspiratorially.
"It's terribly thrilling."
His heart skipped, hope blooming amid the dark muck of misery. He waited for her to continue, watching her breathe fast and shallow.
She gave a little gasp, covering her mouth again, as if shocked by herself. She lowered her hand and whispered,
"Did you truly…with that pirate captain?"
His throat felt like he'd swallowed gravel, and he sounded like it too,
"I did. I was his prisoner, granted, but I chose it of my own free will. He was… I began to know him… the real man behind the myth. I…"
Emotion choked Harry,
"I began to love him."
"Love?"
She murmured, eyes like saucers,
"I didn't think… So, it's more than simply…"
She waved her hand.
"Yes. Much more. There was tenderness and sharing. I'm not sure how to describe it."
"But he stabbed you! You almost died."
"It wasn't him, nor any of the crew. It was Albus's messenger. He tried to kill Voldemort, and I jumped between them. I couldn't bear to see him hurt."
"My goodness."
She fanned her face with her hand,
"I feel like one of those terribly fragile women who are prone to the vapors."
He sat with difficulty,
"Should I call for someone?"
He threw back the blanket, groaning as he tried to swing his legs around.
"No, hush."
She urged him back to the mattress and tucked the blanket around him,
"I've never suffered from delirium a day in my life. I shan't start now."
Exhaling a long breath, she nodded,
"All right. You love this man. Does he love you?"
Harry's stomach swooped. Does he? Am I fooling myself most cruelly?
"I think he might. I want to find out. I must. I want to be with him. Wake by his side, live our days like… Well, like anyone else, I suppose."
She took this in,
"I confess it's difficult to imagine. He was so fearsome!"
"It's an act. Most of it, at least. Albus forced him into that life by revoking his letter of marque unfairly years ago. And yes, he's committed many crimes. But there is more to him, I swear. Kindness and longing. He's a man like any other. Everyone sees him as a pirate…"
"Because that's what he is! A killer."
So am I. But Harry could not utter it aloud. If he exposed this truth as well, he'd never be able to look Luna in the face again for fear of what he'd see there.
"Yes. Without question. Yet I accept it. If that exposes a deficiency in my character, I have to accept that as well. I can't marry Ginny. I could never be a proper husband. It wouldn't be fair to her. As unnatural as it may be to desire other men, it is my nature. I have made peace with it. I must find a way to have a life where I am not in misery all of my days. Hiding. Alone, even if surrounded by a family."
Her face crumpled,
"Oh, Harry. It would break my heart. No, I would never wish that for you. You should have love and comfort and happiness."
She sat back and was silent, wiping her eyes. She was quiet for so long that Harry grew sleepy. He was so easily drained, and he closed his eyes, listening to her steady breathing, her familiar presence a balm. He'd revealed his core and she hadn't turned away.
After a time, she spoke again,
"They say it's only about base desires. Two men being together. Venal and depraved. But as I think about it, I remember a case of two men in Guildford who shared a cottage. An accusation was made, and soon it was a scandal. One went to prison, the other the gallows. If I recall, there had been suspicion of them for years. Years. I didn't consider it at the time, but why would they have lived together for so long if there was no affection? Granted, plenty of marriages sorely lack it, but they had chosen their companionship."
He opened his eyes and found Luna's full of tears again. She shook her head,
"That pirate. Father will see him hanged. And my God, you would be in such danger if the truth were discovered. They could kill you for this love."
"I must stop the trial. With him, I was…whole. A worthy man. Powerful in my own way, not stupid and useless. With him, I felt I could do anything. That the world has new possibilities to be unearthed, as sea shells are by the retreating tide. That there is so much more. Unseen, but ever-present under the surface."
He remembered the roughness of Voldemort's stubble against his face countered with the softness of his lips, the wet slide of his tongue, and how Harry had wished they could kiss forever under the palm trees. How he'd felt utterly protected and cherished in the aftermath of death and destruction.
"But how on Earth will you stop the trial?"
It was a fine question, and Harry fervently wished he had the answer.
