Author's Note- I uploaded this chapter together with the two before it. Make sure you read those first before accidentally spoiling yourself here!
Chapter Forty-Six: Renascence
Gray, not surprisingly, did not go out again for the rest of the day. Not only was he emotionally unequipped to do so, but he also finally admitted that his body needed time to recover. Doug brought him home a nice fried chicken dinner that he was able to eat in bed.
Though far from recovered, channeling out all of Gray's grief went a long ways to stabilizing his emotional state. Despite having scrapes from the hike and swollen knuckles from his fight, he felt well enough to step outside again the next morning. His first order of business was returning the clothes he borrowed from Jack, stopping to pick up his crushed water bottle on the way.
Jack was out harvesting some of last produce of the season when Gray arrived. He walked with his trainer back the farmhouse so the clothes could be dropped off.
"Thanks for letting me borrow these," Gray said.
"No problem at all. As for your clothes, I tried washing them as best as I could. I don't think I managed to get all of it out, though. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault."
Once the exchange of clothes was completed, Jack looked at Gray ruefully. "So... how did things end up going yesterday?" he asked.
"Terrible. I only made things worse with Popuri. I don't even know where to go from here."
Jack did not look surprised. He advised thoughtfully, "Building up trust with Popuri again will probably be a process that takes time. But for now, the first step forward seems simple. Apologize to Kai and seek forgiveness, if you haven't already. I'm sure he'll give it."
"... I spent a long time frustrated by Cliff," Gray began calmly, seemingly off-topic. "I found his views on himself and his past mistakes to be just… pitiable. Only now do I see his point. I don't deserve to be forgiven, Jack. I could ask for a second chance, but I've already been given a thousand second chances in my life. Next time it will be something else. Remember when you said that people are hardwired to eat, sleep, work? … I'm hardwired to make mistakes. To be a bad person. I've had destructive relationships with everyone I've been around lately- Kai, Popuri, Ann, Dad, you… What about me is redeemable?"
"Yeah, you've made mistakes. But so have I, and you still forgave me. You need to give yourself the same respect. You've had conflicts with some people… but haven't your relationships come out stronger with those you've made up with, like your Dad and me? Should I make out a list of all the good things you've done so that you remember those, too?"
Though he wasn't much encouraged, Gray tried to smile. "Even at your worst, you wanted to help people. I've hurt people. I never pretended to be perfect... but to intentionally hurt someone, viscously at that? It's not the same... but I'll keep your words in mind, Jack."
Gray departed before Jack could try to provide any more reassurances. Upon his return home, Gray dumped his tarnished clothes in his closet and immediately left again. There was someone else he wanted to talk to.
As he had hoped, the ground was dry enough that Ellen had moved her rocking chair back outside in the bakery's yard.
"Good morning, Ellen," Gray greeted.
Ellen looked happy to see him, as if she had no knowledge of the scandal that now hung over his name. "And good morning to you, Gray. How has you day started?"
"… I've had better."
"Now that's an honest answer you don't usually hear," Ellen said with some surprise. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Yeah, actually," Gray answered before taking a seat on the ground, using the bushes that outlined the yard as a backrest. It was a decent place to talk in private, as everyone who needed to go to the bakery elected to use the other door upon noticing that there was an ongoing conversation involving Gray in the yard.
"I am happy to listen. We haven't had many chances to talk like this. It's alright, I know you've been busy with all of your friends."
"I wish that were true. I've spent half my time avoiding my friends. And now I'll have to avoid them permanently."
Gray briefly explained all that had transpired. He still couldn't decide how much of it Ellen already knew. She waited until the end before giving her thoughts.
"Your friend is right. You need to apologize."
"But I don't know if I deserve forgiveness."
"Does that mean you are still remorseful?"
"Yes."
"And you want to be a better person?"
"Yes."
The elderly woman chuckled. "Then apologize! You don't have to do it because you want forgiveness. Do it because you feel bad and need to admit your wrongdoing to those you hurt. Maybe they'll feel better, and you can move on and grow. Whether or not they forgive is completely their decision. Most will already decide in their hearts if they want to forgive before you even have chance to say anything."
"Even if they do forgive me, things will never be the same... You and Pete requested that I connect with my peers and create something special, but it looks like I came up short... I really did try, in my own way." Gray took a breath and then shrugged. "That's why I'm here. I needed to apologize to you and Pete, and since he's gone, you are also his best substitute. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about him actually forgiving me."
Ellen smiled with a twinkle in her eye. "You really look up to Pete, don't you? But you should know… he wasn't without his own mistakes, too."
Gray logically knew that to be the case, but for some reason hearing it still caught him by surprise. "Like what?"
"You knew us as friends, but you never saw how he broke my heart back in the day... Of course, Carl made me very happy, but before we married, I was very fond of Pete. The whole town seemed to think we'd get together eventually, and they all vocally pushed for it. Pete spent a lot of time with me in the early days after he moved here, and by the way he talked, I thought it meant he was interested, too. I'll admit, I felt a little betrayed when he instead courted his future wife. I reckon he mostly wanted my advice on how to run a ranch and didn't realize my feelings, but he sure was dense. We got into a bit of an argument about it later."
"Did he ever apologize?"
Ellen shook her head. "He said he felt bad about how it played out, but he never admitted that he had been careless of my feelings. But, we moved on anyways... People don't usually reminiscence on the bad, but I promise it was there. Getting to talk about the good… well, it's worth the price of getting the occasional bad. So not only do I think you can live up to our goal; if you are able to learn from your mistakes, you'll make something even better."
Gray closed his eyes and sat silently as he thought. He smiled when his eyes opened again. "Alright. I'll go see Kai. Thank you, Ellen. I'm glad we talked. I'll be asking for your advice next time something like this happens, too."
Ellen laughed as well as her frail body allowed. "Hopefully that will be a long time from now, but I look forward to talking again... whatever we talk about, and whenever that may be."
Gray's mind was set. Before going to Kai, however, he needed time to compose himself and plan what to say. He initially considered doing this while out on a walk, but his objective changed when he heard muffled organ practice coming from the chapel. He wasn't sure why, but Gray felt the song was somehow beckoning him.
Gray took a seat on a pew near the back after quietly slipping inside. Pastor Brown was nowhere to be seen, so Gray was alone with the organist. He then closed his eyes and listened to the song. When he last did this with Popuri, retreating to his thoughts produced a vision of his worst fears and insecurities. Now, though, Gray experienced something similar to what his eventual girlfriend had described. He felt lifted to some ethereal height that radiated a feeling of serenity.
Was the song that different? No, it wasn't that. Was it because he was now consumed by his worst self, allowing him to appreciate what was good? After all, can one appreciate light without understanding what darkness is like? If he had pushed through those negative emotions last time instead of balking, would he have found this on the other side?
Suddenly, the organ stopped.
"Gray," a voice called out. Maria talked softly, but her voice carried across the now silent room. "What brings you here?"
"Don't mind me. I'm just listening. No need to interrupt your practice."
"Well, it's not exactly a practice. I'm only here for fun. Please... come closer." Maria scuffled over to a closet and pulled out a stool that she then set at the side of the organ.
"If there is anything I need to practice, it's playing by ear. Are there any songs you would like to hear?" she asked after Gray took the seat.
"I don't really know that many songs. There was one, though… I don't know how to describe how it goes, but your grandmother used to play it almost every week during service."
Maria smiled knowingly and began to play a familiar tune. "Ring any bells?" she inquired.
"Yeah, that's the one," Gray said with a smile. Each note seemed to reawaken another memory from his childhood. Those memories with his parents were far more delightful than his experiences during chapel services in more recent years. Playing tic-tac-toe in the back with Rick, or his mother lifting him up to the window so he could watch a robin feed her chicks...
"If you don't mind me saying, as a kid I really got tired of hearing that song. Now, though, it's a pleasant nostalgia trip."
"Yes... This does bring back fond memories of my grandma. But..." Maria winced, as if fearing she would be overheard saying something blasphemous, "There is a reason why I dropped it from the repertoire. I-I will just say I empathize with your fatigue for the song and leave it at that."
Maria could barely finish her sentence before she started giggling. Gray found himself joining in on the laughter in solidarity. It was the first time he had a reason to laugh since the race.
"I suppose you have not had much experience seeing this side of the organ, have you?" Maria asked after they composed themselves.
Gray was accustomed to only seeing the back of the pipes while sitting in the crowd. "Ann and I snuck in and fiddled on it one time, but my experience begins and ends there."
"Here!" Maria said as she scooted her bench to the side so Gray could move closer. "I know you like to learn new things. Let me show you how it works."
Maria spent the next several minutes explaining to Gray the arrangement of the keyboards and the function of the pedals and stops.
"You're very brave, Maria," Gray said offhand once Maria finished her presentation.
"What do you mean? For learning how to play this? I admit that it is complicated."
"No, I mean for talking to me like this... Surely you're horrified of me after what I did to Kai."
Maria's face took on a more serious expression. "I've always thought you were easier to talk to than most, Gray, and I'm in my environment here. But no, I'm not horrified of you. I don't think anyone is. But they probably expect you to make things right... Do you know what you will do?"
"Not entirely. I know where I have to start, but it's not going to be easy."
"It never is... B-but maybe it's like the arc of any good story. For the hero to reach their fullest potential, they first have to be broken down and then built back from the ground up... Or maybe breaking a horse would be a more familiar simile?"
"The story metaphor works. Just like when Christopher and Chadwick lost in the circuit court before the decision got appealed."
"Yes, exactly!" Maria exclaimed. "See? How could I be horrified by someone patient enough to read through some silly story my husband and I slapped together?"
Gray smiled at that. "Thanks for talking with me, and sorry for making you listen to my whining. I should probably hurry up and go see Kai."
"I-it's alright. I'll be here to listen whenever you need."
"I hope I can do the same for you. See you later, Maria."
Gray was strangely tranquil as he exited the church, walked out of town, and hiked up the hill leading to the vineyard. No longer would he worry about the exact words to choose. He would instead speak from the heart and trust it would lead him well. He had the support of so many people behind him- his Dad, Jack, Ellen, Maria... what did he have to fear?
When he arrived at the vineyard, both Karen and Kai were in the fields harvesting. Gray intended to proceed towards Kai, but Karen unfortunately spotted their new guest first. She rapidly approached their visitor with an unpleasant expression before Gray could make an escape.
"Hello Karen, is it okay if I speak to-."
"You have some gall showing your face here!" Karen interrupted. "Did you come to finish the job?! If you don't leave in the next five seconds, I'll persona-."
"Miss Karen, Miss Karen!" Kai cried as he caught up just in time to save Gray's life. "Please, let him be."
"You really need to stop calling me that," Karen mused more steadily. "... Well, whatever. Talk with him if you want; it's your business. Just keep him out of my sight, or I can't promise his safety."
Karen walked back to her work, still fuming, while Kai put a hand on Gray's shoulder and led him in the opposite direction.
"Want to talk in the cellar over there?" he asked Gray. "It's a bit cold, but it will at least be private."
Gray made no objections, so Kai lead him in and shut the door behind them after turning on the light.
"Umm... I am sorry about Miss Karen. She will get over it soon." Instead of looking at Gray, Kai picked up a wine bottle off a nearby shelf and read the label. "This place is amazing. It just oozes history. Some of these bottles have been here for decades, if you can believe it, though most of those are downstairs."
"Kai, I didn't come here to talk wine," Gray halted gently.
Kai gently replaced the bottle and faced his companion. "Yes, I know. What do you wish to say?"
Even in the room's low lighting, the damage Gray had inflicted on the man was evident. He had a black eye, and his nostrils were still stained a bit red from bleeding. His cheek might have been a bit bruised, but that injury was thankfully not as serious as Gray initially feared. There was no severe damage like a broken jaw, but that did little to ease Gray's conscience.
"I want to apologize... for everything. I've never been more ashamed in my entire life, and there's nothing I can say to justify my behavior." Gray bowed his head. "I'm sorry for my weakness, and I promise to be better."
Kai looked away again. "Don't worry about it," he said almost offhandedly. "I have five brothers, so yeah, it's not my first fight. I'll be fine."
Gray shook his head, not satisfied with the answer. "Nothing about what I did was fine. I assaulted you out of rage and jealousy. Please, don't just brush it off. If you are going to forgive me... be intentional about it."
"Alright." Kai looked him in the eye again with more purpose. "What you did really sucked. I'm going to be nursing this bruise for a while. But I can tell your sorrow is genuine, so yeah, I forgive you." He then cleared his throat and continued in a contrite manner, "But really, I should be asking you for forgiveness as well. I swear I'm not trying to minimize what you did, but I still made some stupid comments that didn't help at all. I was drunk, but that's no excuse."
"Of course I can forgive that," Gray answered with a sigh. "It's nothing compared to my actions."
Kai smiled and stretched out an arm in a display of reconciliation. Gray accepted it, and the two shook hands.
"I have to ask, though," Kai started. "... Was there any more reason behind why you did it than just my behavior at the bar?"
"Yeah. It was probably simmering for a while. I've seen your personality, your talents... and I was jealous of it. So when I saw Popuri with you like that, it wasn't just that I thought she was disloyal or you were acting out of line. I thought things were returning to their natural order, and that my relationship with her was just a fluke. But I was too stubborn to not fight back for my cause."
Kai's smile turned wistful. "I thought that might be the case- that you thought I was 'cool' or something. I kind of wish I could see things the same way. To me, I just feel… different. A fish out of water, you could say. I envy you, you know. You can walk around town, and no one gives you any special attention. They see you as part of the family, and your presence is just a normal sight. I sometimes act like I have to prove something to earn that recognition."
"Everyone likes you, you know. Do you not feel welcome?"
"It's a great place full of great people, but… I don't know. It's not home. I'm here because I needed a job to help my family, and jobs aren't easy to come by. And I've stayed for Miss Karen, of course."
"You like her?"
Kai's face flushed as he rubbed the back of his head. "No, no… uhh, I mean, that's not what I was trying to say! Though sure, I can't help but like her to some extent, haha! Who doesn't?" He then winced. "Well, I guess you might be a bit more wary!"
"She's not always been the easiest person to get along with," Gray said with a hint of a smirk. "But she's Ann's friend, so I do my best to put with it. Not to mention, I suspect she hasn't had the happiest life."
Kai's expression quickly darkened. "You probably don't know the half of it." He then shook his head as if to clear himself of those thoughts. "Forget I said anything. I need to get back to work, but I appreciate you coming to talk with me!"
After departing the cellar, Kai was prepared to jog back to his chores before Gray stopped him.
"Kai! … I hope we can be friends."
The other man smiled and affirmed, "Me, too." At the last second, he added, "Oh, and I hope you're able to work things out with Popuri!" before continuing on his way.
