Summary:
Coping with war, uncertainty, not knowing...
Notes:
This is for BlueEagle who is working in the NHS at this time, and who could do with some cheering up. Hugs love xoxoxo
Sorry I have taken so long to update this, I am also working in the health service and we have been busier than usual. Writing and reading fanfic is my escape so I have kept this up, when I can, but more infrequently and in short bursts. So I get this is probably a bit disjointed and not great, and could have done with editing +++
Chapter 45: I Won't Be Afraid
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me
Mickey Gilley, Stand By Me, 1980
"I don't understand, Moony, why do you have to leave so soon? Where are you even going?"
"This isn't a choice, Sirius! I'm going because I have to. I've been asked to… I can't… I'm going on a mission. I don't get to choose when these things happen!"
"What mission? Why can't they ask one of the others to go? I don't get it. We nearly lost our brother and you're acting like that means nothing-"
"Don't you dare assume you know anything about how I feel!"
Sirius knew that tone of voice, Remus boiling with rage to the point of sounding frozen.
"Well what the fuck am I supposed to assume, Remus?" Sirius' voice rose despite himself – frustration, desperation, both. "You act like you don't give a shit about Prongs, disappearing off without a word this morning, then come back here with your stupid fucking tiny canvas bag, saying you'll be gone for at least nine weeks, if not more! What the fuck am I meant to think?"
Remus stared back, looking wretched. He swallowed hard, searching for words that he couldn't speak.
"You're supposed to know I care about Prongs, about Lily, you're supposed to trust me, Pads," he said, his voice breaking a little at the end.
"Why the hell should I trust you when you clearly don't trust me enough to tell me what the fuck is going on? Merlin, you're one to talk!" Sirius said. "Why won't you tell me?"
He was agitated, anger brimming under the surface ready to explode.
"Because I can't!" Remus said, gripping onto the leather strap of his rucksack, his eyes flashing amber. "For Merlin's sake, Sirius, not all of us are born privileged wankers who think they have the right to tell our superiors to go fuck themselves if told to do something unpleasant!"
Sirius looked hurt, but he masked it quickly with a condescending sneer.
"You're just too much of a coward to stand up to Dumbledore and tell him to stuff his mission up his arse! Too much of a yes man, a dutiful fucking-"
"Shut up, Sirius!" Remus' voice had dropped, any remaining heat in his voice replaced by hardness. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Obviously not, that's right, because lick-arse here refuses to tell me one shred of information about where he's going!" Sirius shouted.
"Guys, I don't think you should be-" Peter's anxious voice interrupted them from the doorway where he had been standing motionless listening to the entire conversation.
"Stay out of this, Wormy!" growled Sirius.
"I only wanted to-" Peter winced.
"Well don't!" Sirius said, as he continued glaring daggers at Remus. "I know you mean well but please don't, let's just listen to Remus continue to make pathetic excuses for his-"
"Sirius, be quiet!" Remus said sternly.
"Don't you dare tell me what to do!" Sirius exploded, aggressively prodding Remus' chest with his index finger. "Tell me where you're going, or I'm fucking well coming with you and you won't be able to stop me! I'll follow you!"
"For Merlin's sake, Sirius!" Remus raised his voice as his eyes widened with fear at the thought of Sirius coming with him. "I don't fucking want you to come! Do you understand? I don't need you! I don't want you-"
He was holding onto Sirius' leather jacket, practically lifting him off the ground.
"Guys, can we please calm down, for fuck's sake!" Peter squealed nervously.
He hadn't moved.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, you don't give a shit about anyone, do you?" Sirius shouted at Remus.
"Fucking bloody fucking… can't a chap get some rest around here without having to listen to you two blithering on like a pair of nitwits? "
All three men whirled around immediately. There stood James Potter, arms folded across his chest frowning at them. Frighteningly pale, unsteady on his feet, his pyjamas hanging off his skinny frame. They stared at him silently.
"Oh thank Merlin for that," James said with a disgruntled sigh. "Now can someone please find me my damned spare glasses, I'm completely blind here!"
"Prongs! Fuck! I… Prongs!" Sirius launched himself at James, holding him tightly in a hug, then pulling back immediately looking terrified. "Did I hurt you? Are you alright? Merlin, fuck! What are you doing out of bed!"
James laughed at him and hugged him back weakly.
"I'm all right, damn it, Pads!" he said, smiling as he saw the relief and grief on Sirius' face up close. "I'm not about to kick the bucket, you know!"
He squinted over at Remus, who had tears running down his face.
"Moony, it's alright, old chap, I'm fine, I'll be fit as a fiddle in no time," he said, looking at Remus with concern and moving away from Sirius to give the other man a hug.
Remus hugged him back carefully, trying to suppress a sob.
"I'm alright, Moony, I'm fine," he repeated, patting Remus' shoulder feebly.
He turned to Peter and frowned.
"Good heavens, Wormy, what the fuck happened? You look like a wraith! Have you not been eating?" James asked, looking alarmed.
It dawned on Sirius and Remus that James was right, and their usually robust friend was looking decidedly thinner than usual, although still relatively healthy.
"Prongs, you idiot!" Peter said, his voice shaky as he hugged James back. "Speak for yourself!"
"What do you mean?" he asked, holding onto the iron bedstead for support. "How…"
"You've been unconscious for over three weeks," Peter said.
James' face froze, as though suddenly recalling what had happened.
"Lily!" he said urgently, grabbing hold of Peter's shoulders. "Is she… where is she?"
"She's fine, she's good, she'll be here in-" Peter said.
"Thank Merlin!" James said, suddenly lightheaded, his face grey.
He stumbled sideways and Sirius and Remus sprang forwards and caught him.
"You're alright, you're both safe now," Remus said soothingly, as they both helped James back into bed despite his protestations.
"Prongs, you need to lie down, for fuck's sake!" Sirius fussed, anxiously fluffing his pillows and piling three blankets on top of his other ones.
"Gerrof!" James said, swatting at Sirius' arm weakly before falling back onto his pillows, exhausted. "Are you trying to smother me?"
"I'll call Poppy!" Peter said, biting his nails as he left the room hurriedly.
"I'm so glad you're awake, Prongs," Remus said, squeezing James' hand. "We've been so worried."
"Could've fooled me," muttered Sirius.
"Don't start that again," Remus said, sounding tired. "Please, not now."
James shook his head at Sirius who bit his lip, looking mutinous.
"So Lily is completely fine, are you sure?" James said to Remus, ignoring him. "It's all so hazy, I can't really remember what happened after Avery called in to give me a piece of his mind, I think they all got a bit carried away…"
"Don't!" Sirius said, looking upset and chewing his lower lip. "It's not… Fuck! You'd be dead by now, were it not for Lily being incredible! She doesn't like talking about it, but we put two and two together from the snippets she told us, and from what she's been saying when she wakes up from nightmares. Fucking hell, Prongs! What were you thinking? And I mean, Snape? Really?"
"Don't look at me like that. You'd have used Snape's help too if it meant saving Moony!" James said, rubbing his eyes. "I knew he'd be willing to get her out."
"If you think I'm letting you plan our escape ever again, you've got another thing coming!" Lily's voice trembled.
"Lily!" James opened his arms as she closed the distance between them, hugging him tenderly and holding his face in her hands, kissing him.
"James, James, James," she repeated softly, her face lighting up with relief, joy and concern.
"Darling, gorgeous wife," James grinned back, sighing contentedly, his head felt heavy as he rested it back onto the pillows.
"Beautiful, gallant lad," Lily said, tears running down her cheeks.
"Please don't worry, I'm here, alright, Evans?" he said smiling at her, drinking her in. "You look tired, love, are you looking after yourself?"
"James," said Lily, shaking her head and kissing him once more, sweetly, wanting to show him how much she adored him. He could hear the lump in her throat.
"No she's not looking after herself, she's a pain in the arse!" Sirius said, grinning at Lily. "She's been off her food and exhausted since she brought you back half dead and whatnot, sitting by your side twenty-four seven. And then she'll get a sudden hankering for rice pudding or jelly and peanut butter sandwiches and it's a race to see who can get down to the kitchens quickest! The House Elves here love her, mind you, so they always have a secret stash of Lily Contraband to save the day!"
"Ha! Cravings!" James smiled at his wife and taking her hand. "Have you been well otherwise? What about morning sickness? Have I missed anything?"
"Not bad at all," Lily said, looking mildly embarrassed as her gaze strayed to their two friends. "You haven't missed a thing."
Sirius looked on in confused shock as recognition dawned on Remus' face.
"You're pregnant," Remus said.
"Yes," Lily said, playing with the back of her earring. "We, I, didn't plan it this way…"
"I-" Remus said, stopping short.
"We may not have planned it this way, and I won't deny that I'm bloody scared of having a baby in the middle of a war, with us on the front line, and Lily a target, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy," James interrupted him, squeezing Lily's hand.
Lily's hand gripped his tighter.
"It's a bit scary having a baby full stop!" she said, with a soft laugh. "I didn't see us becoming parents so soon, but if anyone is going to make a wonderful father, it'll be you, James. I know we'll be alright if we're doing this together."
"You're the one-" said James, making heart-eyes at his tired looking wife.
"You're… what? Sweet fucking Merlin's left eyeball!" Sirius spluttered, looking terrified. "You're expecting? I… bloody hell, Prongs!"
"It'll be fine, Pads!" James grinned happily. "As long as Lily is with me, it'll be fine!"
"But, but," said Sirius. "I mean, this baby, whether it's a boy or a girl-"
"It's a boy," James said firmly.
"Oh bollocks! We're screwed!" Sirius' voice rose. "A boy? Fuck!"
"Ah relax, Sirius!" Lily said, smiling widely and looking over at James.
Nothing seemed to scare her now that she knew James was on the mend.
"Relax? You have no idea, Evans, no idea, what we're dealing with!" Sirius said firmly.
James snorted.
"Ha! Laugh all you like, Prongs!" said Sirius darkly. "You seem to have forgotten the Diarrhoea Inducing Potion we slipped into Slughorn's soup so he wouldn't be able to return to Hogwarts on time to host that gala dinner in First Year*?"
"Priceless!" James grinned.
"No way!" Lily's eyes were wide.
"Yes way! And what about the Billiwig Infestation that resulted in the evacuation of the entire Slytherin dorms for three months in Second Year?" Sirius said.
"I knew that was you lot!" Lily said, blowing at her fringe with an amused laugh. "You denied it vehemently!"
"Details…" muttered James, waving his arm half-heartedly.
"The Pong Infinity Charm we cast in Third Year that resulted in the entire East Dungeons having to be permanently sealed off? The Befuddlement Charm we, er, accidentally cast on those nifflers in Fourth Year which resulted in them stealing all of Mc Gonagall's clothes instead of Lucius Malfoy's one hundred and twelve cufflinks? The 1975 Thunderbirds and Lightening themed Halloween Feast idea that went ever so slightly wrong?"
James grimaced.
"Thunderbirds and lightening, very very frightening… I mean, it wasn't technically meant to actually devolve into a life-threatening situation…" James said, shrugging helplessly. "And the music choice was excellent, Pads!"
"Yes it was, the music was my idea, damn it!" said Sirius grinning back before he could stop himself.
"Classic Marauders," said James.
Remus looked offended.
"Alright, sorry," James said, grinning at Remus. "Classic Marauder disasters – classic Prongsfoot!"
"Definitely, Prongs… hey! Now hang on a minute! Stop distracting me, James Fucking Potter!" said Sirius, folding his arms. "What I'm trying to say is…"
He stopped momentarily.
"What was I saying?" he asked, turning to Remus.
"What you were trying to say," said Remus, with a warm laugh. "Is that you're completely fucked, Mr. and Mrs. Potter."
"We'll manage," said Lily, smiling back.
"We are utterly fucked, Prongs!" Sirius said, with a dramatic groan. "I mean, we've absolutely no idea how to change a nappy, we've never prepared baby food, when does one move to solids anyway? What does a normal poo look like? How often is one meant to change them? When do we panic and send for the Healer? And imagine when it starts to walk?"
"Endless possibilities for mischief," Lily agreed, nodding sagely.
"Imagine when it realises that brooms can fly," said Remus, suppressing a sly grin.
"Oh fuck!" said James and Sirius, simultaneously sporting horrified expressions.
"We're toast!" said Sirius, wiping a bead of sweat off his forehead.
"We're absolutely, completely and utterly…" said James, trying to sit up.
"FUBAR," said Lily.
"What's that?" said James and Sirius.
"Fucked Up Beyond All Redemption," she said, raising her eyebrows knowingly. "Muggle term."
"Oh my gods, we're FUBAR!" said James and Sirius, looking at each other in horror.
"Merlin's arse!" said Sirius.
"Godric's gonads!" said Peter, who had slipped back into the room unnoticed and was now looking appalled.
"Exactly, Wormy," said Sirius. "FUCKING FUBAR!"
"Er, this whole we thing, Pads, I'm not sure how appropriate that term is, it's not technically your-" said Remus, biting the side of his lip to hide his amusement.
"Of course it is! It's all the same thing!" Sirius said, pacing the room in agitation. "Our child is going to be a logistical nightmare! Don't you get it? With Prongs' tendency towards rule breaking and bonkers ideas and Lily's inventiveness, never mind stubbornness, can you imagine what life-threatening plans it's going to come up with?"
"Fair point," said Peter, thoughtfully biting his nails.
"True," agreed Remus.
"Ah, calm down lads!" said Lily, with a chuckle. "We'll figure it out together, like we always do! Anyway, if there's anyone we need worry about our Prongslet taking after, it'll be his favourite uncles. You're essentially fearless and impulsive, Sirius, and Remus is a pranking mastermind with years of subterfuge under his belt, and Peter is a fantastic mimic and actor! Can you imagine what that combination could lead to? But if it's a girl, then I think we are actually technically all completely screwed!"
"I hope to Merlin it isn't!" said Remus, looking suddenly concerned. "I definitely can't handle a girl mini-Marauder, no way!"
"Oh bloody hell!" said James, looking worried and running his hand through his knotted hair. "That's not doable, I won't be able to say no to her, not if she looks at me all pleading and… and then… no, no, no!"
"It's a boy though, right?" Lily laughed.
"Yes, phew!" said James, lying back down and looking wrecked. "I forgot!"
"Ugh, Prongs!" said Sirius, rubbing his forehead once more. "And then there's the war, and you can't be going off fighting in bloody battles, Merlin damn it! You'll both have to stay at home and bloody well… we can't have you lot going off and ending up… you know, on the wrong side of the grass!"
James burst out laughing.
"Love it!" he said grinning.
"I'm not joking, you arse!" said Sirius angrily. "If you both end up beyond the veil, I'll, we'll, we won't make it on our own, we…"
Sirius' voice shook.
"Oh Sirius," said Lily, standing up and going over to Sirius. "We won't die, I promise."
"You can't say that, Evans," Sirius said gruffly, reaching out and hugging her close. "Look at Prongs - he's an idiot, and he nearly died, and he's bound to do more recklessly heroic shit and… damn it all, you're nearly as bad as him!"
"We'll be fine, Sirius," she said kindly. "And you're not exactly a paragon of caution yourself!"
"Pads, I promise, we're all going to look after ourselves, we won't do anything stupid," Remus said, coming over and taking Sirius' hand.
"Yeah, thanks," Sirius said, staring at him momentarily before enveloping him in a strong hug. "Please come back to me, Moony."
"I promise," repeated Remus, voice thick with emotion. "No shitty heroics, you especially, okay?"
"No shitty heroics," said Sirius, taking a deep breath. "That goes for everyone here, yeah?"
"We'll all be fine," Lily said again, this time turning around and hugging Peter, who was standing next to the door, looking rather dejected and alone.
"Yeah," Peter said, hugging her back. "We'll be fine."
He knew he sounded decidedly half-hearted. He was in fact feeling utterly hopeless. He was having those thoughts again. Was this his band of merry men, the invincible Marauders? The dashing, talented, relentless, glorious whirlwinds that befuddled the teachers and drove the wannabe Death-Eaters to drink? Sirius terrified out of his wits for his friends, Remus looking worn-out and resigned, James practically dead, Lily narrowly escaping death and now increasingly vulnerable. He would never have had the guts or creativity to get out of that castle alive, if it had been him. He was going to end up dead, sooner rather than later. Who would miss him? Would anyone care?
What was it all for?
There was another option…
The thought came to him unbidden, as it had started to do in recent weeks, more readily, more frequently. The option of going rogue, of defecting, of being on the right side when this war ended. There was no way they were ever going to beat Voldemort, his victory as inevitable as a full moon. He had been reading all the newspapers, listening to wizards muttering in corners, transforming into Wormtail and hearing the gleeful reports from Death Eaters – another muggle killing, another mudblood disappeared, another blood traitor and family wiped out, the Dark Mark hanging over a family home, death and torture, hearing Bellatrix's gleeful cackle "We shall win, and when we do, we shall make the mudbloods and blood traitors pay!"
There was no hope.
"Of course we'll be fine, Wormy, don't fret, old boy!" said James.
He sounded sincere and confident, as ever, but his face was ashen, his cheeks hollow, his voice weak.
"Don't worry, Wormy, we've got your back!" said Sirius, giving him a hearty slap on the back.
His eyes were bloodshot and his smile too wide.
Peter looked at Remus. Remus gave him a tight smile, a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He knew.
"Er, thanks guys, you're right! I'm always overthinking stuff, I think I'll just go for a walk, clear my head a bit," Peter said, managing a convincingly upbeat tone.
"That's my Wormy!" said Sirius, smiling back and looking immensely relieved. "We need you to look after yourself. Eat plenty of pudding, have a good rest. Merlin knows how awfully jittery you get otherwise! Can't have you ending up in the Infirmary too, damn it! Plus, the two of us need to be fit as fiddles for tomorrow's full moon, what?"
Sirius was genuinely smiling now, concern flashing across his face, his elegant hand resting reassuringly on Peter's shoulder. He was so good-looking it made Peter mad.
Fuck you, Sirius! Only interested in my welfare as it relates to Moony's! Fuck you for stealing my girlfriend's heart. You wait and see what happens now, you naïve fool.
Peter cleared his throat.
"Yeah, sure, Pads, don't worry, I'll be there," he smiled back. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."
"I fucking love you, mate," said James. "I'm so sorry I won't be able to-"
"Don't give it another thought, Prongs," Peter cut in. "We have it sorted."
"Thanks, Wormy," said Sirius. "I'd be lost without you."
Peter smiled back. A pang of guilt – perhaps his friends really would miss him, really did care? He glanced back at James and the guilt blew away, like withered leaves in a gust. He wasn't going to end up like James, to die, like the others.
He wasn't sure when, but he couldn't keep doing this. Eventually, soon, he was going to snap. He headed out, without looking back.
…
"I'm going to rest too," said Remus. "I'll see you later."
"See you later, Moony," said James. "Don't overdo it, you know how you get the day before the full. Get a good sleep-"
Remus shook his head.
"Prongs, go back to sleep yourself, for Merlin's sake!" he said. "Just because you're not unconscious doesn't make you invincible!"
He couldn't help the lump in his throat as he hugged Lily and Peter tightly and shook James' hand from across the infirmary bed, firmly, for a long moment. He was dreading this mission, and he needed to get out of there tonight, in order to give himself time to find Greyback's pack and transform. Before Sirius realised what was happening. Before they managed to persuade him to stay.
He headed down the dark corridor with his miserly cloth backpack in his hand – no change of clothes, just a small blanket, a portion of food, and a flask of water, even that was possibly too much. Outside in the courtyard, he walked down through the covered walkway, heading for the Forbidden Forest, from whence he would apparate.
"Moony! Remus! Wait!"
He turned swiftly to find Sirius running towards him, looking distraught.
"Shit," he muttered, steeling himself.
"Hang on! Wait," Sirius panted, bending down to catch his breath and coming to a standstill. "You didn't say goodbye!"
Remus clenched his jaw.
"I couldn't," he said quietly. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you."
"You can't go," Sirius said, looking at Remus desperately. "I want to come with you, make sure you're safe! We never go on missions alone!"
"We do now," Remus said flatly.
The wind had picked up, blowing Sirius' shorter hair around, his robes rippling behind him. They stared at each other.
"I've no choice, Pads, I have to go, it's important for the Order, for the war," he said.
"Damn this war," Sirius' voice was bitter, husky.
The silence stretched between them, like a strained bow string about to loosen its arrow.
Sirius stepped forwards, silently handing Remus his beautiful leather rucksack.
"It's waterproof," Sirius said. "I put in two jumpers, your scarf, your gloves, your sneakoscope, rations to last you at least a week, the hat I bought you… one of the jumpers is mine, that way, you can feel closer to…"
Sirius was finding it too hard to continue.
It had started to rain, properly, and they were both getting soaked.
"Sirius," said Remus, staring down at the rucksack and then Sirius.
"I know, I probably forgot something vital, oh, speaking of which, I also put in your favourite book," Sirius said.
"I…" Remus said, looking helpless.
"I'm sorry about earlier, take care, alright?" Sirius said, closing the distance between them and heatedly kissing Remus.
Remus kissed him back, full of longing and promise.
"I have to go, Pads," he whispered eventually, kissing his forehead tenderly.
He hated how sad Sirius' eyes became.
"Yeah," Sirius whispered back.
He moved swiftly, and with two long strides was outside the anti-apparition wards of the grounds.
"Fuck! Moony!" Sirius' alarmed voice rang out. "Hang on! What about tomorrow? What are you going to do about the moon?"
He shook his head, as he carefully dropped Sirius' bag behind his back, onto the forest floor, unnoticed, and wordlessly transfigured it into bushy undergrowth. His heart broke a little as Sirius' thoughtfulness and concern overwhelmed him, but he couldn't risk taking any of those things with him. With a last glance at the raven-haired man, he was gone.
"Remus!" Sirius yelled, running over to the edge of the woods and looking around frantically.
Nobody answered.
….
It was a cold, wet night in early February 1980. Snape stood flattened behind the door, his skinny frame braced as he strained to hear the conversation in the thin-walled room above the bar at the Hog's Head Inn. His old Headmaster had gone there to see an applicant for the post of Divination Professor, and Voldemort had personally instructed him to spy on Dumbledore. Voldemort had always been paranoid about Dumbledore, the only wizard he genuinely feared and respected as an equal. He felt nervous here, too exposed. But he dared not disobey Voldemort, not after he had witnessed the consequences of Hugo Avery's behaviour. The recent incident with Lily Evans constantly played on his mind – the fact she could have died, the fact that she seemed to hate him, that she had refused his attempt to rescue her – it made no sense to him. He thought he understood his ex- best friend. Now he found himself doubting his own beliefs, questioning his reasoning. He had risked his life for her. Yet so had Potter. He presumed he would have heard if that bastard was dead. Part of him hoped he wasn't – he could never see her forgiving him if Potter died. A greater part of him hoped he was.
"I daresay the opportunity to apply for a post in Hogwarts will re-present itself in due course," Dumbledore's muffled voice distracted him from his thoughts.
"Oh dear," he heard a tremulous voice say. "I had hoped…"
"So had I," Dumbledore's voice said.
"If I could just-" the voice stopped suddenly.
"Miss Trelawney, are you quite alright?" Dumbledore's voice sounded concerned.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"
Trelawney's voice had changed – a deeper, monotonous, chanting tone. There was no doubt in his mind that he was witnessing a real trance.
Heavy footsteps creaked on the narrow staircase.
"Oi! You! What do you think you're playing at?"
It was Dumbledore's oddity of a brother, the weirdo who kept this dirty hovel, hair askew, long nose and bushy eyebrows glaring up at him. Caught between these powerful wizards, he knew which one he preferred to surrender to. He walked down slowly, hand on his wand.
"I got lost," he said.
It was hard feigning repentance.
"You did in your arse," the old man scoffed, grabbing him by the scuff of the neck.
"Get your filthy hands-" Snape said.
"Fuck off, scumbag!" said Aberforth as with unexpected brute force he flung the younger man outside the back door of his pub, where Snape landed flat on his face in the mud. "Good riddance! Don't show your greasy little face in here again if you want to make it out alive!"
Snape looked up at him, coughing to dislodge the dirt and twigs in his mouth, and scowling menancingly.
"Don't give me that," Aberforth said, with a cold laugh. "I'm not scared of you lot!"
He made as if to step outside and Snape struggled to his feet, apparating straight to Malfoy Manor.
"Wonderful getup, Severus," Malfoy smirked as he welcomed the half-blood to his home, taking in Snape's dishevelled looks, the leaves and caked mud caught in his hair and robes. "Altercation with a tree?"
Snape rolled his eyes in response, looking straight ahead as they approached the large ballroom. Should he tell Voldemort what he had heard? Didn't a part of him want the war to end and Voldemort to be defeated? To stop the endless battles, mounting risks? In which case he would be on the losing side, he reminded himself, he would end up in Azkaban, would never be with Lily Evans, love of his life, unquenchable flame. He pictured Potter – his gloating face, ridiculing him, laughing at him as he was sentenced to life imprisonment, with his arm wrapped possessively around his wife, taunting him, reminding him he would never have Lily. Closely followed by the memory of the mudblood incident, one of his worst memories. He couldn't bear the thought.
And this was an opportunity to win back Voldmort's respect.
He was right.
"You have done well, Severus," Voldemort said, studying Snape intently as he recounted what he had overheard. "This warning is extremely valuable to me. You have redeemed yourself. Consider your recent foolishness forgiven."
"My Lord," said Snape, bowing. "You are very generous."
A huge weight seemed to have lifted from his shoulders.
"It will be one of the Aurors' spawn," Snape said, turning to Bellatrix who stood looking at him anxiously.
"How dare anyone lift a finger to try to hurt you!" she said, looking close to tears and trembling with rage.
"Do not fret, Bellatrix," Voldemort smiled at her benignly. "We shall soon know who the child is, and when we do, we shall annihilate it, with its parents, obviously."
Bellatrix's high laughter echoed around the glittering chandeliers of the silver and black toned ballroom, the black and green veined marble floors reflecting the sparkling lights and candles.
"We shall kill them all, blast them into infinity!" she cackled loudly. "They will be utterly destroyed!"
"Oh never fear, I shall finish them off personally," Voldemort said, fingering his wand impatiently.
"Very impressive, I'm sure," Lucius said, his voice dripping obsequiousness.
Voldemort curled his lip. He had not yet forgiven Malfoy's disastrous mistake.
"Shut up, Lucius, you pathetic worm!" flashed Bellatrix, raising her wand.
"My Lord," said Lucius stepping hurriedly behind Snape.
Voldemort ignored him.
…..
"I feel ginormous," said Lily, standing sideways and looking at herself in the bedroom mirror next to James.
"You look at least six months pregnant," James laughed, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her tenderly on the cheek.
"I look ready to give birth any minute," Lily sighed, leaning into her husband's embrace and smiling up at him. "And I still have weeks to go."
"You look beautiful," James said, kissing down her neck. "Do you feel alright?"
Lily laughed and turned her head to kiss him on the lips. He meant it, despite her looking bloated and walking with a waddle and her face looking puffy and her belly already showing some stretch marks. She didn't like the stretch marks, but they were there because of her beautiful baby. She was scared how quickly she was growing to love this baby, how completely adored by her it already was, scared in case something went wrong, and she lost it. It would have been wiser to stop herself growing too fond of it, in case...
But she couldn't.
"Of course I do," she said. "How many times do I need to tell you? The morning sickness is all gone. The only problem is the pain in my back when I wake up, but by the afternoon it's completely gone. Going up and down the stairs takes forever, but luckily we're not in Hogwarts anymore."
"Hmm," James murmured soothingly. "Is he moving around much?"
Lily grinned at him and took his hands placing them over the lower half of her bump.
"There, can you feel it? They're a very active little thing!" she said.
She felt the baby kick out against his hand, it had changed from a vague flutter that she had started to notice by chance, to a definite little tap against her abdomen. Now as their baby grew even more, she could feel it wriggling inside, moving more slowly, as though it didn't have as much room, marvelling at the fact she could trace the outline of something moving when she looked at her tummy.
"Merlin! That was some kick!" James said, his face giddy with excitement and surprise.
She loved him. She loved how besotted he sounded, talking about her, talking about their baby. Their beautiful little boy.
"Are you sure it's a boy?" Lily said, rubbing her hand over her side.
"Definitely, Marauders' honour!" he grinned back.
"He's good at kicking. I bet he'll be good at football," she said, with a raise of her arched eyebrows.
"Football?" James said, looking slightly lost. "We did that in fourth year, hang on, is that the really boring one which involved hitting a tiny ball into random holes and ruining a good walk?"
Lily nudged him with her elbow.
"Yeah, right," she laughed, pretending to be miffed. "You know damn well that's golf, and I don't like golfers, they're a bunch of rich, entitled gits, sweeping generalisations aside."
"Entitled gits, yeah?" he teased. "Glad I won't be trying to play that one! I bet he's good at Quidditch though. He'd have to be."
Lily laughed again, looking at his reflection in the mirror, running her eyes down his toned shoulders and arms, the cocky smile, the twinkle in his hazel eyes. He was better, much better. Even if he there were some things that could not be cured, and some memories that could never be erased. His eyes were warm but there were dark circles under his eyes. She sighed and leaned into him, closing her eyes.
"What?" said James, looking back at her reflection.
"Nothing," Lily said, opening her eyes again.
"You were looking at me like…"
"Like what?" Lily said.
Like you were the sun and I drew all my warmth and happiness from you? Like in your embrace I could face anything, be anything, weather any storms? Like I wanted to shield you from every minor worry, every little sadness, make every moment of your life beautiful? Safe? Happy?
"Like you were trying to tell me something?" James said, nuzzling his chin against the top of her head.
Her eyes were alight with happiness, she could see that herself.
"I love you, James Fleamont Potter," she said, turning back towards him and running her fingers over his chest as she looked up at him.
She knew he couldn't miss the adoration in her gaze.
"I'm so lucky," he said, kissing her forehead. "I love you too, Mrs. Potter, more than you could possibly know."
But she could see his tender devotion, she knew he wasn't exaggerating, and knowing this made her want to cry.
"Gods, I'm such a sap," she huffed, feeling the tears in her eyes, placing her arms around him and moving sideways to make space for her bump. "Please be careful, beautiful, I wish you didn't need to go on any more missions, I wish I could keep you here, safe and sound."
His smile grew, like it did every time she called him beautiful, like he couldn't get over the fact she adored him so much.
"I'll be careful, baby," he said. "I'll be with Sirius, you know what we're like together."
He was so warm, his chest moving solidly, radiating hope with every breath, the beat of his heart so reassuring. It nearly made her forget how fragile they all were.
"I don't like it. It's more dangerous now that you can't tell where noises are coming from, you're at a disadvantage," she said, biting her lip and holding him closer.
The hearing in his right ear was completely gone, damaged irreparably. There were some things wizarding medicine did not have the ability to heal - brain damage, eyesight, hearing, mental health problems. He had no difficulty in most situations. She had brought him to a muggle ENT specialist**who had confirmed there was nothing to be done. He had told James that he would struggle to follow a conversation in a loud, packed pub, but especially to watch out when crossing roads, to check for traffic, because he could no longer localise sounds, as this required bilateral hearing. They weren't so worried about traffic, but it was a real weakness in battle. They both knew it. She knew he had been so brave about it all, had shared his anger with her and had come to accept it, far more readily than she thought she could have done in his place. She felt guilty that of the two of them, she was the one still suffering from recurrent nightmares about their capture, dreaming of James dying and being unable to help him. Feeling guilty that it might negatively affect their baby's development.
"On the plus side, it means if I lie on my left side I won't be able to hear the baby crying at night and you'll have to get up all the time," he said lightly, running his fingers through her auburn waves, thicker and glossier than ever since the start of the pregnancy.
She snorted and pinched his side, eliciting a yelp. He was extremely tickly.
"Please be extra careful, James," she said, closing her eyes again and breathing in the scent of vetiver and wood smoke that was so very James.
"You know I will be," he said. "You know I'll never leave you two alone."
She knew she was the luckiest woman in the world, married to the best man she could ever wish for.
"This war will end someday, and we'll enjoy doing the small, everyday things we took for granted when we were in school," she said. "We'll hold hands and go for a stroll in Diagon Alley and buy ice-cream in Florian's. You and Sirius will bicker over who's paying."
"Remus will struggle to make a decision about what flavour he gets, and then we'll tease them as they feed ice-cream to each other in a sickeningly besotted way. Peter will buy twice the amount he can eat," James said.
"And you'll end up helping him, and pretending you're doing it as a favour. Our baby will probably lunge at the ice-cream and end up puking," she said.
James laughed, his expression softening as he imagined the scene.
"Sirius will drag us all over muggle London, to look at record shops and second-hand clothes," Lily said.
"He'll force Remus to try on a load of clothes he doesn't want and end up buying him something that really suits him despite his protests," James said.
"You'll try to chat with the owner and say something hopelessly un-muggleborn, I'll have a coughing fit to hide my laughter, the baby will join me, and Pete will die of embarrassment and kick us all out prematurely," Lily said, grinning as James stuck out his tongue.
"We'll apparate to the coast and walk along the cliffs of Dover, have fish and chips in a lazy pub, outside, with a pint of cool cider, arguing with Wormy over the merits of crinkle cut versus straight cut chips," James said, smiling to himself as he recalled happier times.
"And end up back in your parents', stay up late chatting to them, enjoying their tall stories and eating your mum's sticky toffee pudding," Lily said, hugging him tightly as she watched the wistfulness grow in his eyes.
"And maybe even apparate back to London and finish up in a dingy club, dancing and screaming out the lyrics to a new song from Queen or Joy Division," James said.
"Yeah, you think, with the baby? In a nightclub?" Lily laughed.
"I dunno, might be a cool baby?" he shrugged casually.
Lily raised her brow.
"Why is that such an unlikely scenario, Evans?" James said, ruffling his hair with an offended look.
Lily snorted loudly.
"Oi! Watch it!" James said, trying not to smile.
"Well, I suppose he might be cool," she conceded lightly, turning to look at Sirius who had entered the room. "If he takes after his uncle."
Sirius' face lit up. He smiled at Lily and beamed at James triumphantly.
"Fuck off," said James, feigning disinterest.
"You'll never be as cool as Uncle Padfoot – dashing, leather clad, motorcycling uncle who also happens to turn into a dog? Face it, Prongs, you're never going to beat that!"
James grinned despite himself.
"Fuck off," he said, shoving Sirius playfully.
"Bet you fifty galleons he says my name before he says Daddy," Sirius said, with a wicked smirk.
"Bet you fifty galleons he says a curse word before he says either!" muttered Lily darkly.
"Fuck!" said Sirius and James simultaneously, looking concerned.
Lily facepalmed. Sirius kissed her cheek.
"I'm going to get our gear together for this mission, Prongs, see you in five," he said, obviously trying to give them more time together.
"He's so adorable, I love him so much," Lily said, smiling at Sirius' retreating figure.
James laughed, almost a huff, kissing the top of her head, holding her closer.
"This war will end, they always do," he said. "And if-"
"Yes, James," she said softly.
Neither of them willing to voice the possibility of Voldemort and the Death Eaters emerging victorious. They both knew they would continue the war underground if the Ministry fell - illegal, wanted criminals, terrorists according to the new government.
"I've a history of lawlessness on my mother's side," Lily said. "My grandad fought in the war of independence in the 20s, in a flying column, he never really forgave my mum for marrying an Englishman. My granny refused to speak to him for two months until he relented a bit, but it was always uncomfortable visiting them while he was still alive. His best friend was shot dead by the Black and Tans***. He never forgave the Brits. Poor dad."
"I'm glad they won. The British Empire was awful. I'm sure your dad understood, he fought in World War II, despite his age," James said. "My parents fought against Grindelwald in the 40s."
"Of course they did," said Lily, listening to his steady heartbeat. "I love them so much. I'm so glad they'll be here to give us advice when we have this baby. I miss mum and dad."
"I'm sorry, darling," James said.
"So am I," Lily said. "I miss Penny too. We didn't always get on, but I never imagined that she'd cut me off altogether."
"I'm sorry," said James, trying to tell her how much he loved her by enveloping her even tighter.
"I have you," she said, looking up at him, with eyes that seemed to look straight into his soul. "I have the boys, I have my friends. I have all I need right here, James."
"Googolplex and Graham's number," James said.
Lily laughed.
"And maybe when we're older, Petunia and Vernon will have a child, and she'll change her mind, and they'll meet and become friends."
James' face was too expressive for her to miss the utter disbelief. The loud snort helped too.
"People can change, Potter," she said, sounding unconvinced, pinching his waist again.
"Ah!" James yelped again. "Yeah, but there's change, and then there's a complete personality transplant!"
And, sadly, she couldn't exactly argue with that.
"I hope Sirius is okay," Lily said, as she saw James looking towards the door with a frown. "Things between him and Remus haven't been the same since Remus came back from that first solo mission."
James' eyes darkened. She knew this was playing on James' mind just as much as hers.
"I know," he said, with a weary sigh. "Moony refuses to talk about his mission full stop. But I know some serious shit happened, I've never seen him look more fucking traumatised than he did the day he returned. He was starving, we could all see that, you remember that? And he looked like he hadn't washed in weeks, stank to high heavens. He didn't say a word, just sat at the kitchen table and started shovelling food into his mouth, like he hadn't eaten in days and then… he, he … he burst out crying, for fuck's sake!"
Lily squeezed his hand tightly.
"I know, sweetie," she said, seeing that James needed to talk about it again.
"He was literally…" James stopped, overcome with emotion.
She knew he was reliving the scene…
Remus didn't say a word, just sat at the kitchen table, glassy-eyed, staring into space, and started shovelling food into his mouth, like he hadn't eaten in days, tearing chunks of bread and stuffing cheese and ham into his mouth. And then seemingly out of nowhere, he burst out crying, sobbing, put his hands over his face and howled like he was in pain. Sirius tried to touch him, to ask was he hurt, but he wouldn't let Sirius go anywhere near him.
Sirius looked at Remus, distraught, as Remus forcefully shoved him aside, still wordless. Sirius turned to her and James, lost, looking to them for answers. Remus looking devastated - food and tears and dirt and saliva and snot covering his face, closing his eyes as though trying to get away from something, everything. A stunned silence, everyone else too shocked to think or act, staring at him as Remus hurled the contents of the breakfast table across the room, with a howl uncomfortably close to the sound of a wolf in agony, his hands now fisting in his wild hair, his breathing heavy, his eyes meeting Lily's as she saw the panic and shame in them. Trying to stop her hands trembling with fear, stepping forwards and placing her cup of tea quietly on the edge of the table, aware that James had moved closer to her, no doubt fearful for his pregnant wife. Remus, looking at her through thick eyelashes, tears running down his cheeks, guilt and remorse written all over his face, breath uneven.
"Have some tea, Remus," she said, in a calm voice that turned out to be hers.
He stared back, completely silent now, his chest heaving, trembling violently. Sirius tried to step forwards once more and James physically stopped him, shaking his head with a warning look.
"Sit down and have a cup of tea," Lily repeated, quiet but firm, moving the mug closer to him.
Remus sat down, hunched, still shaking from head to foot. Lily went to sit opposite him. James sat close to her. Remus picked up the tea, trying not to spill it. He managed to gulp down a few mouthfuls of hot liquid and they watched him visibly exhale, the muscles in his back and neck still taut, as though he were about to pounce. They sat in silence, Sirius watching from afar, his heart in his mouth.
"It's alright, mate, you're home," James said quietly, after minutes had elapsed, slowly moving his hand out as though to touch him.
Remus jumped backwards, overturning the bench in his haste.
"Moony, please," Sirius said, his voice cracked, begging him.
"Stay away from me!" Remus' tone was frightening, frightened, his voice hoarse, looking around wildly like a caged animal trying to escape.
"A shower," Sirius whispered through his tears. "Take a shower, Moony, please."
Remus stared back at him, his eyes amber, wholly amber, pupils dilated.
"It'll calm you, please," Sirius said in desperation as he tried to find the right thing to say.
Remus swallowed thickly, staring down at his hands – filthy, layers of dirt under his fingernails, aside from where his tears had wiped the dirt across his face. He caught sight of himself in the mirror behind Sirius and they could see Remus stare back at his reflection with disgust.
"Moony," Sirius' voice was so soft, so gentle, she hardly heard him.
"I'm sorry," Remus said, unable to look Sirius in the eyes, his voice scratchy, as though he hadn't spoken in weeks.
He had gone for a shower though, the longest shower they had ever witnessed. When he emerged from their room hours later, he still looked haunted, in his own reassuringly (but was it any healthier?) typical Remus way – tight-lipped, silent, reticent, not giving anything away.
Neither Remus nor Sirius had spoken about it since, not to James, or Lily, or Peter. All they knew was that it had taken weeks for Remus to return to normal, if he ever truly had.
…
Sirius knew that Remus was still traumatised by whatever had happened while he was away. He knew Remus wasn't ready to talk about it, even before Remus had begged him not to ask. He had comforted him as best he could, singing to him softly at night-time, for weeks – songs he knew Remus loved, Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy, Space Oddity, anything Bowie, forcing himself to stay awake until Remus eventually succumbed to sleep – a restless, fitful affair, punctuated by sudden movements, growls, gasps for air as Remus awoke from whatever memory haunted him.
"I'm still here, darling," he said, hovering above Remus' disoriented wide eyes.
"Sirius," Remus said, his breathing still erratic.
"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered back, looking down at Remus and carding his hand through his curls carefully.
"I don't deserve you," Remus said. "I'm not who you think I am, I should move out, you don't need to put up with this, with me-"
"Don't," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I can't bear to see you suffer like this. Don't you dare leave me, not now, not like this!"
The soft moonlight played on Sirius' face, highlighting his high cheekbones, his perfect jawline, those clear, silver eyes filled with worry. He watched as conflicting emotions played out across Remus' tired face.
"You don't deserve this," Remus tried again, unable to move, seemingly transfixed by Sirius, as if unsure was this real. "If you knew what I've…"
"Darling, you know there's nothing you could ever do to drive me away! I need you here, I can't sleep when you're gone, Moony," said Sirius, his voice wavering a little despite his best efforts.
Remus stared up at him.
"Please, Remus, Moony, please," Sirius said, tears in his eyes.
All he seemed to do these days was to beg Remus to let him help, let him stay, let him in. Because somehow Remus didn't seem able to stand it when he did. Even if he never talked, not once, about the mission. He watched as Remus' resolve crumbled.
"I'm sorry," Remus' voice trembled, as he swiped at his wet cheeks. "If I was strong, I'd have gone already… if I did the right thing-"
"Fuck that, Moony!" said Sirius, passion brimming over in his grey eyes as he kissed Remus' forehead. "You're wrong!"
"Sirius," Remus said.
"Please, Moony, I beg you, stay," Sirius whispered.
"I…" Remus faltered once more.
"Please, Moony, I beg you," Sirius' soft lips found Remus'.
A low groan escaped from Remus' lips as he let Sirius kiss him.
"Please, Moony," Sirius deepened the kiss.
Remus' strong arms gripped Sirius' biceps tightly as he surged up desperately pulling Sirius closer.
"You can leave me another time, just not now, not tonight, darling," Sirius sighed into Remus' mouth.
Remus' response was to kiss him back, more desperately, repeating his name like a mantra.
Sirius, Sirius, Sirius…
The next morning, he was gone. No note. No explanation. Dumbledore said Remus had told him he had unfinished business from his previous mission.
…...
That had been the end of April. It was nearing the end of July, and still no word from Remus.
Missions were coming thick and fast, the activities of the Death Eaters unrelenting. The Order was struggling to cope. Moody was sure that his own department had been utterly infiltrated, how, he could not tell. All his Aurors had voluntarily submitted themselves to Veritaserum, and nobody had failed the test. It meant nothing, Moody knew one could learn, after years of practice, to resist the truth potion.
"Anything new to report, Black?" bellowed Moody, grimacing as he cracked his neck.
"Nothing, Sir," said Sirius.
Moody narrowed his eyes as he took in the young man's anxious face and restless leg.
"Anything the matter, Black?" he scowled.
Sirius sighed, looking towards the closed door as though waiting for someone.
"Nothing, Sir," he replied, mechanically.
"Potter?" Moody said gruffly.
"Not much, Sir. Trailed Malfoy to a depot of stolen wands in East Anglia. Managed to get them back here, now under enchantment in the Room of Requirement."
"Thank Merlin," Moody said, giving him a curt nod. "Thought you were going to say in the Ministry. I'd have eaten you alive."
James snorted.
"Not that clueless, Sir," he said, grinning.
"Not quite, no," agreed Moody, with a small grin of his own. "Good work. Mc Kinnon?"
"Found a basement full of toxic potions, Grade A stuff. They've all been neutralised with the help of Meadows," said Marlene, with a lurid wink at Dorcas.
"Good work, both of you!" said Moody, surprising everyone. "Damned impressive. You deserve a night off, a date night, whatever."
Marlene gawked, clearly not expecting Moody to be aware of the fact she was dating the beautiful and resourceful Dorcas Meadows.
"Yes, Sir. Will do," replied Dorcas casually, causing Marlene to blush.
The Order members laughed.
"Fenwick?" Moody said, his mood brisk once more.
"Unusual activity outside St. Mungo's for the past two weeks, Sir," Benjy said, shrugging his shoulders. "The Death Eaters seem to be keeping it under surveillance. They haven't actually done anything though. I can't figure out why. There's at least two of them posted outside it at all times. They seem to be recording who's going in and out."
"What?" said Moody, irritated. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know…" Benjy winced, looking at the notes he had taken down in his notebook. "They seemed especially interested in women, young women."
Moody frowned.
"Any particular type of woman?" he said.
"Young ones?" said Benjy, looking embarrassed.
Moody muttered something about gay Order members and how if it had been young men, Benjy would have been able to list off eye colour, dress sense and colour co-ordination of outfits, to much laughter.
"Er, bigger women?" Benjy said, looking a shade pink. "I don't mean, what I mean is… fuck! I've just realised, what if it's pregnant women?"
"Pregnant women?" Dumbledore, who had just then entered the room, said sharply.
"I think so, definitely anyone heavily pregnant, shit, I can't believe I only spotted that now!" Benjy said anxiously.
"Why pregnant women?" James asked.
He had moved his chair closer to Lily's, a dark look in his eyes.
"There may be many motives," Dumbledore replied, looking at Lily with concern. "Where's Alice?"
"I don't know," said James, looking around the room as others shook their heads.
"Mr. Fenwick, Miss. Vance," Dumbledore said. "You need to find the Longbottoms and warn them, attending St. Mungo's from now on will not be safe. Moody, alter all pregnant employees to be on high alert!"
"What do you mean, Sir?"
James was standing up now, looking grey.
"You will need to make other arrangements," Dumbledore warned.
"Other arrangements?" James' voice sounded choked.
"What other fucking arrangements?" Sirius was standing up too, his eyes flying between Lily and James. "What the fuck do you mean?"
"James," Lily said, holding onto her abdomen, a tense look on her face.
"I mean, gentlemen, you will have to-" Dumbledore said.
"James!" Lily's voice was urgent now.
"What is it, Lily?" James said, registering the frown on her face.
"I think, I think this is it," she said, with a hiss of pain.
"What do you mean?" James' eyes widened.
"I think my waters just broke and I'm going into labour," Lily said, looking up at him. "What do we do?"
...
* Diarrhoea-inducing potion - this is 100% based on a true story – a friend's brother had scraped his dad's car while their parents were away for a long weekend, and his mother (mother!) put laxatives in her husband's soup so he was unable to travel back home for an extra two days, hence giving their son the time to get the car fixed…. LMAO!
** ENT – Ear, Nose & Throat specialist. You need to be able to hear in both ears to be able to tell where a sound is coming from.
*** War of Independence was a guerrilla war fought in Ireland from 1919 to 1921 between Irish rebels and British forces i.e. the British Army and Royal Irish Constabulary (RIC). The British government bolstered the RIC with recruits from Britain—the Black and Tans and Auxiliaries. The vast majority were unemployed former soldiers who fought in the First World War. The Black and Tans became notorious for reprisal attacks on civilians, including killings, arson and looting. The war ended with the formation of the Irish Free State.
Notes:
Any comments will make my day. My brother-in-law is also a doctor as I just heard he has Covid19, I hope he's okay. He lives in the UK, I wish we could help. I could do with some positivity. I'm sorry if updates continue to be a bit slower than usual. I am not giving up on this. It helps me stay sane.
