Chapter 78.

After breakfast, Cas went out to spend some time with the bees and Sam followed him out. "If you need to be alone, that's fine, but in a few hours, Jules will be here and we should probably talk about what happens then."

"Yes." said Cas.

"So, how are you doing, Cas? You slept last night, right?" He was not going to miss a chance to tease the brother who had been teasing him his whole life, but he knew what Cas had meant.

"Thanks to Dean, yes."

"What was it like?"

"Hard to describe. I had a dream."

"Good or bad?"

"Mostly good. Dean held off all the terrible stuff ... most, anyway. I don't know how he was able to do it. He maintained control for both of us."

"And do you feel rested?"

"Yes. Humans are fortunate to have the gift of sleep. It's soothing and restorative and dreams are incredible. You were in Dean's dream. You were a baby."

"Was his dream good?" said Sam, hoping that it had been. He hoped Dean had used a little of his mental strength to keep his own dreams happy ones.

"Yes, you were both happy in your childhood home."

"That's great. Dean needs some good thoughts."

"Dean is winning the battle for his mind." said Cas, "He is stronger than he has been in years."

"How about you? Are you strong?" said Sam, "Maybe strong enough to kick those fears and make it work with Jules?"

"I'm better," said Cas, "Not less fearful, because my fears are real and will probably always be there, but more able to handle the fear and maybe to think beyond it."

"Because you don't have to ask her to leave the bunker." said Sam.

"There are still more reasons for her to be here than for her to stay there." said Cas, "But I acknowledge that my fears are a factor. I do worry that the more time we spend in close proximity, the more likely it is that I will say or do the wrong thing and she will hate me. I can't even maintain a good relationship with Dean."

"Neither can I. Neither can Dean." said Sam, "Don't judge your interpersonal skills by whether the most antisocial person on the planet sometimes says something harsh. Truth is, that's mostly his fears talking. He deals with fear of rejection by getting his rejection in first. Jules is not that insecure and you shouldn't be either."

"I have a lot more clarity now. I was confused. My fears were overwhelming and I was having trouble distinguishing between love, admiration and the carnal impulses of this human vessel."

"Carnal impulses can be a part of love." said Sam, "And admiration is required."

"I didn't want to draw her into a complicated and possibly doomed relationship if, on my side, it were just about sex."

"Cas, trust me, it isn't."

"No, it isn't." said Cas, "There are still problems. My many failures and mistakes don't inspire me with confidence, but I do at least know now what my feelings are."

"That's good. Now you just need to convince yourself that you have a right to those feelings and to a relationship with someone like Jules."

"Even if I do, I need to consider her safety. People around me die with disturbing regularity and even leaving aside the fatal aspects of a relationship with me, there is every chance I will make her unhappy."

"Bad stuff happens. Things go wrong. Believe me, I know how impossible it is to keep someone you love safe. My relationships have tended to end bloody. I still believe in love."

"But you don't pursue it any longer." said Cas.

"I want to. I would. If I met someone as perfect for me as Jules is for you, I'd get brave very fast."

"Would you?"

"Yes! Cas, she makes you happy. Don't be afraid of that, enjoy it. And don't look for the ending. Don't worry about how it could go wrong. Give it a chance to go right. Give Jules a chance. She deserves that. You deserve that. And if you're now thinking clearly, you know that you want that."

"I do want that." said Cas.

"Then grab a hold of it and fight for your happiness as fiercely as you fight for Heaven or for Dean or for Jack."

"I think I'm going to." said Cas, "But I need to do it my way."

"Yeah, we get that."

"And I need to be as honest with her as she's been with me. I keep holding back from telling her how I feel. I tell myself I don't know, but I think I've known for a while."

"Tell her." said Sam.