Author's Note: ...
"This doctor's bill is bullshit," Kevin muttered to Dutch as he adjusted the strap on an arm sling he was wearing and adjusted an eye patch covering his left eye. The pair of them sat atop a dumpster in the lane after spray-painting the fences with anti-Ed propaganda. After having lost the bet when he elbow dropped the Kankers' kitchen table into splinters with a cigarette in his mouth, Kevin was forced to pay the sisters restitution. Not to mention he racked up a wicked nasty hospital bill on top of it to pop his arm bone back into place and get the cigarette surgically removed from his left eye. "It's a good thing my parents make bank or all this money flying out of my wallet would land me in a debtor's prison."
"I'm just happy you finally stopped complaining about the plan! I lost count of how many times you called the Kanker sisters dorks while they were explaining their scheme," Dutch commented as he shook a spray can.
"Don't forget all the times I called you dumbasses dorks for actually going along with it," Kevin replied as he tapped the lid of the dumpster with his fingers. He suddenly stopped tapping his fingers and snapped them instead. "Fluffy, I just had a crazy thought. It's a thought that I need the opinion of a twelve-year-old on. You wanna hear me out?"
"I've had nothing but crazy thoughts over these past few days, so one more won't hurt!"
"Cool. I thought it over just now and realized that every single thing that truly pissed me off over this week wasn't even the Eds' fault."
"Something that wasn't the fault of the Eds?! This really is a crazy thought!" Dutch replied before dropping the spray can and turning his full attention to the jock. "Please, go on!"
"All this bullshit started when the Kankers stole my motorcycle. Then they mouth molested me and Rolf. Then they wrecked my bike in a race I was totally gonna win. Then they tried to do some freaky shit with Nazz while I wasn't there to enjoy it. Then to top this five layer dork cake off, they gave us this dorktastic fucking plan!"
"And what are you implying by all this?"
"That the stanker sisters are a fucking menace to society and we need to launch a full frontal dork blitzkrieg on them!" Kevin demanded before slamming a fist into the top of the dumpster and sending an army of raccoons that were camping out behind it running for the hills. "Is my mind finally going out of wack from OD'ing on dork juice or is my hat on straight?"
Dutch stared at Kevin, his mouth slowly falling open until it was hanging agape. He snapped it shut again when he realized a simple fact Kevin was missing in his equation.
"Aren't the Kankers the Eds' girlfriends though?" Dutch asked earnestly.
"Fuckin' thank you! I just needed someone else to say that before I went nuts," Kevin said in great relief. "That means I can blame the house dorks by proxy and absolve the trailer dorks of all sin. The Eds probably asked the Kankers to do all that shit anyway."
"Without a doubt! It's not like those three brutish low-class hooligans would even come around the Cul-De-Sac if it wasn't for the Eds anyway!" Dutch reasoned. "And when this plan finally comes to fruition, we won't have to worry about the Ed trio ever again!"
"Yeah because the Eds won't be a trio of dorks anymore but three individual non-associated dorks!" Kevin answered back. "You hear that, Double Dunce?! Your man Kevin can do math too!" he yelled with molten fury into the cold unforgiving Peach Creek winds.
"Darn it, I remembered something that I should've mentioned earlier but I was too distracted by all the bet money I won," Dutch admitted, patting his pocket stuffed with bills and clearing his throat unstained by the horrors of nicotine. "The Eds aren't exactly a trio anymore! Eddy has locked himself in his house and refuses to to talk with Ed or Double D!"
"Honestly bro, if I was Eddy, I'd do the same thing if those two dribble dorks were my friends," Kevin replied. "Except I'd also hang myself afterward if I was Eddy," he added, Dutch giggling at Kevin's wholesome sense of humor. "How do you know that shit anyway? It's not like any those dorks would just walk up and tell you that."
"Don't be silly, of course they did that! This is the Eds, remember?"
"Right, good reminder to never raise my expectations of the dork race."
"It's making me think that it might put a damper on our plans if we can't get to Eddy!"
"If I have to break into Eddy's house to avenge my bike, I will motherfucking do it!" Kevin answered resolutely before the beginnings of tears welled in his eyes. "Fuck, now I'm thinking about my motorin' babe all over again. We gotta end our hang out time, bro, you're way over your allotted time with me anyway." Kevin hopped off the dumpster and sent spray cans shooting around the lane like pinballs when he landed.
"W-Wait! I-I have more of that bet money! Our date can't be over so soon!" Dutch cried out as he reached down toward Kevin from atop the dumpster like a fair maiden trapped in a castle tower.
"Deal with it, fluffdork! Being within a foot of someone as cool as me doesn't come cheap!" Kevin shot back, brutally sending Dutch tumbling into the friend zone. "Besides, I gotta go drop a few flowers on my bike's grave and the floral shop ain't open all day. Peace out and death to all dorks!" Dutch sighed longingly as Kevin began to depart, putting his feelings of rejection in the chained iron box in the corner of his heart.
"Death to all dorks back at ya!"
Eddy trudged back toward his house after purposely taking the long way home to avoid seeing anyone he knew. Unfortunately for him, the guilt had grown into mania and he hallucinated every object as Ed and Edd on the way back. He stopped for a moment and rubbed his eyes when he saw Ed standing up the sidewalk from him. Ed's arm was in a sling and he had an eye patch over his left eye. "What the h*** do you want, Ed?!" Eddy screamed at him with as much fury as he could muster. He knew it was probably just a stop sign or mailbox, but he didn't give a shit at this point. If he was going to imagine his two former best friends everywhere he looked, he may as well get in practice shouting at them to leave him alone.
"*Guffaws* u better stop yelling at me eddy ahahaha i just wanna talk for a sec," Ed answered before beginning to approach him. Eddy let out a mad snicker; now his hallucinations were even talking to him.
"Of course you do, because no matter how many times I tell you two jokers to back the f*** up from my a**crack you keep taking another stab at it!" Eddy shouted up at the hyper-realistic mental hologram as it stopped before him.
"*Guffaws* wut are u talking about ahahaha theres only one of me here"
"Ha! So now you suddenly know how to count above one! That's how I know you're not the real Ed and you won't mind if I do this!" Eddy replied before punching Ed in the gut, causing the stunted boy to double over in pain. "S***, my imagination must be good as f*** because I actually felt that-" Suddenly Eddy was decked across the face and he fell to the sidewalk.
"Hopefully that knocked your geekass back into reality instead of whatever dorkzone your mind was in!" Kevin yelled down as the fog cleared from Eddy's mind and the delusions ceased.
"If you weren't a piece of s*** I might actually consider thanking you for clocking my a**," Eddy said while rubbing the whopper of a bruise that had quickly formed on his cheek. "Why the f*** are you calling me a geek? Ran out of clever ways to use dork, shovelchin?"
"Dork is the Swiss army knife of insults, so don't count on it," Kevin scoffed while rubbing the whopper of a bruise that was safely hidden under his shirt. "I upgraded you to geek status after you broke me out of my room, remember? I came to discuss a new five step program for you to achieve jerk status," he explained before extending his hand to help Eddy up.
"Go jerk your d***!" Eddy yelled before shooing Kevin's hand away like a gnat. "How about instead of sweating about f***ed up nicknames to yell at me, you go grab a couple tall glasses of p*** to drink with the Kankers!"
"I wasn't at the trailer park, I swear bro!" Kevin suddenly yelled.
"Uh, I didn't say you were at the f***ing trailer park?" Eddy said in confusion.
"Then what the hell do the Kanker blisters have to do with this?"
"Because you knocked my sexy a** out and next thing I knew, my nuts were getting piledriven by those b****es!"
"Right. Ignore me, this fractured elbow is fucking with my head," Kevin replied. "Look, I know that minor thing with the North Korean brand jawbreaker was pretty shitty, but I also know this little token will make up for it, hombre," he said before reaching into his arm sling and sliding a hidden quarter out like a kunai. "This is payment for those bomb as hell condoms I totally did not steal from you while you were in a geek coma," he claimed before flipping the quarter to Eddy, who caught it and quickly knocked it against his teeth to make sure it was legit.
"Thanks," Eddy hissed before waving his hand, the quarter disappearing into thin air.
"So we're cool now, right?"
"F*** no we're not cool, do I look like a chump to you?" Eddy asked, Kevin nodding proudly.
"Then give me my fucking quarter back! This ain't a damn charity drive for thiefgeeks!"
"I have a lifetime no refund policy! You should know that by now, you one-eyed boxhead!" Eddy retorted. "Besides, it's gonna take about five million quarters for s*** to even be lukewarm between us!"
"I'll take that as a no to the five-step program then too, bitchgeek?" Kevin asked bitterly.
"Go take five steps off a four-step cliff!"
"Have it your way then, dickgeek! You'll find me at the cemetery next to my bike's final resting place if you want to accept my apology!" Kevin replied, concluding the conversation before he finally snapped and tore Eddy's heart out with his bare hands.
"Give me some time to find a shovel and I'll help you take a dirt nap right next to it, a**hole!" Eddy yelled after Kevin as he stomped off. Eddy didn't know how hard the drugs Kevin was shooting into his bloodstream were, but it must've been some powerful shit to have him think for a millisecond Eddy would ever declare a ceasefire to World War Dork. The thought did begin to cross Eddy's mind that he might have some responsibility for the hatewank between himself and Kevin, but the nearby lawn gnome that was slowly transforming into Edd snapped him out of it. He realized he had to get home lickety-split before he ended up knocking the living daylights out of someone else.
Sarah was laid out in the middle of the wreckage of her bedroom, huffing and puffing from exhaustion after finishing her latest outburst. She felt the stinging ache in her heart fester with every one of her possessions that she smashed or every one of her dolls that she disemboweled, but she rationalized that it would all be worth it in the end. After all, once the plan was complete and Ed was on the hook as her eternal ATM for life, she could always have her brother pay for the years of therapy she would need to recover.
"*Guffaws* knock knock whos there ahahaha its ed dummy," Ed stated when he opened up the bedroom door and stumbled in.
"You oughta knock for real before you walk into my room like that! We might be brother-sister besties now but there are still a few boundaries!" Sarah lectured sternly before quickly sitting up and donning a freakish smile.
"*Guffaws* wut happened to ur room ahahaha are u tryin to impress me cuz it cant come close to my room in its hay day," Ed commented as he marveled at the destruction his fun-sized sister had wrought.
"I tripped. Oopsie!" Sarah said before digging her fingers into her dimples.
"*Guffaws* one of those days huh ahahaha bad trips are the worse"
"What do you want anyway, brother dearest?" Sarah asked before springing to her feet. "Do you need me to violently stuff bread down your throat again?!"
*Guffaws* truly a new family tradition ahahaha i wanted to see if we could partake in sum girly crap together to see if it lives up to da hype"
"There's never a wrong time for some girly crap, but I have an even better idea!" Sarah began, pausing for a moment to bite down hard on one of her knuckles. "Let's try out some boyish crap together before I change my mind and jump out my window!" Ed shot up like a firework at the suggestion and crashed into the ceiling before burning out back onto the carpet.
"*Guffaws* now were talking baby sister ahahaha i got all the r rated flicks you can hardly stomach ready for consumption"
"Then grab the video tapes and Double D! I'm ready to scar my mind for life by your side, Ed!"
"*Guffaws* why do we need double dee ahahaha all he does is hide behind his fingers while all the cool stuff is going on"
"Because it will be funny to laugh at him every time he squirms?"
"*Guffaws* it sure will ahahaha meet us in the lobby and we can grab some gewd seats together," Ed answered before blazing out of the room. Sarah stood there with a smile until she was sure her brother was out of ear shot, and then collapsed to the ground while yelping like a wounded puppy. Ed began to run downstairs but came to a halt when he almost ran roughshod over Edd, who was standing at the bottom while rubbing his disturbingly large behind.
"There you are, Ed! You need to practice minimum safety standards and place a wet floor sign outside of any bathroom that happens to feature a slick puddle of filth bubbling in the middle of it!" Edd complained as Ed stared absentmindedly at him. "Thankfully my rump doesn't seem to have suffered any permanent damage, but it's a shame to see your rarely clean facilities already fall back into their old ways!"
"*Guffaws* u arent gonna press charges are ya ahahaha"
"The sad fact is that I'm so used to being horribly injured by you that there really isn't a point in pursuing legal damages," Edd lamented, Ed wiping the sweat from his brow.
"*Guffaws* then now that ur weenus is empty ahahaha its movie time with my baby sister," Ed stated, Edd's mood lightening in response.
"Sweet, sweet progress! I fully expect an extravagant birthday present from you for my brilliant work changing your sister from a beast to a beauty!" Edd bragged. "What movie shall we be enjoying with Sarah? Glippo in Unicorn Paradise?"
*Guffaws* snoozeville ahahaha im glad you brought up birthdays because this is the main feature," Ed answered before pulling a VHS box titled "Fish Bowl IV: Tragedy at Party Night".
"If I must suffer indescribable nightmares tonight for the sake of the newly forged bond with your sibling, then suffer I must," Edd muttered before being manhandled into the living room by an eager Ed.
Jonny hopped a fence and landed in Eddy's back yard, wasting no time in seeking out the surly scam artist to carry out his performance in this elaborate plan. He could hear Tom Jones blasting from inside Eddy's room, and he took that to mean Eddy was getting his groove on without him. Yet another strike against him in Jonny's eyes. As the teenager with the monolithic head creeped and crawled across the freshly push-mowed grass, he could hear muffled ranting from somewhere nearby. He whipped his head around about him, trying to search out the source of the commotion. He stopped when the edge of his sandal brushed up against something laying in the middle of Eddy's yard.
"You can't be serious! Now you're campin' out at Eddy's pad too!" Jonny criticized before bending over to scoop up his old bitchy backscratcher. "What the heck do you see in Eddy that you keep hanging around him?!"
"I'm not hangin' around Eddy you bald dickhead, he kicked me out when I was trying to be a bro to him!" Plank replied angrily as Jonny wiped grass stains from the board's face to reveal his innocent smile. "Couldn't even help a wooden hobo like me out when I had no one else to turn to!"
"What about me?! You could've come calling any time and I would've swooped in to take you back under my wing!"
"Dammit, Jonny, can't you use a different analogy that doesn't involve birds?!"
"I wish I could, buddy! Ever since I got back from the trailer park I've had nothing but woodpeckers drilling away at my brain!" Jonny said maniacally.
"I know that feeling, bitch boy. But what the hell were doing at the trailer park?! Birdwatching round two without me this time?!"
"It doesn't matter! What does matter is I can finally put these harsh feelings of revenge in the recycling bin and turn them into good times now that you're with me again!" Jonny said as the swirling maelstrom of hate over his head began to clear away.
"No you can kiss my wooden ass goodbye because I'm rollin' solo from here on out! You left me face down in the dirt just like that snake Eddy!" Plank yelled as splinters flew from his mouth and splashed against Jonny's face.
"I told you I would be right back after spending quality time with Nazz in the woods! Sheesh!"
"Right-o. And how did that date with your new girlfriend go?"
"Rolf gouged his eyes out with a potato peeler."
"I don't know what the fuck that means but it's hilarious."
"Will you stop beating around the bush already?! Are you back on team two-by-four or not?"
"Stick this in your sticker bush: I will never be friends again with a nutball who talks to pieces of wood!" Plank snapped.
"Then that's the last nut in the pack!" Jonny yelled before standing up and forcing his massive melon back into the midst of the maelstrom. "You and Eddy are both bad news and you're getting taken off the air once and for all!"
"What the f*** is with all the screaming in my backyard?!" Eddy shouted as he slid his door open, allowing the dulcet tunes of Tom Jones to spill out into the neighborhood. He gasped when he saw Jonny whirl around like a misaligned box fan in the middle of his yard and launch Plank spinning over his fence.
"I'll be back you bald motherfucker!" Plank screamed as he went sailing off somewhere into the lane. Eddy watched as Jonny stared off after the itch destroyer with a murderous look in his eyes.
"I'm gonna shut my door and pretend I didn't see any of that," Eddy said before beginning to slide his door closed.
"Hold on, Eddy! I actually came here to see you!" Jonny said before trotting toward the partially open door.
"What so you can send me soaring on a one way trip to the f***ing junkyard too?" Eddy quipped angrily.
"No the violent part of the plan doesn't start right now!" Jonny said as he stopped in front of him.
"What plan?"
"My plan to interrupt your good time and talk to you!" Jonny saved. Eddy groaned before drawing a comb from his collar and tossing it behind him. The comb bounced off the needle on his record player and Tom Jones was silenced.
"First part of your plan worked like a charm, consider my good time interrupted," Eddy said before gripping his door frame and digging his thumb into it. "Get the second part over with and then take your amateur wrestling bulls*** off my property."
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about! The only reason I sent that freeloader packing was because of you!" Jonny began as Eddy leaned his elbow against his door frame and put his hand against his head. "Your pep talk in the lane a while back made me realize that Plank is a gigantic asshole who ain't worth the plywood his face is printed on!"
"Tell me about it, Jonny!" Eddy seethed. "That d*** tried to double dip on my kindness and squeeze free room and board out of me!"
"That's how it started with me too, Eddy! First it's the free lodging, and before you know it you're feeding him shrimp lobster while he yucks it up to AM radio!"
"Good thing I stopped at those free tickets I forked over! The best I could do for food is omelets and my fata** mom always starts b****ing about her cholesterol levels when I fire up the stove top!" Eddy ranted, Jonny shooting him a poisonous look.
"Those free tickets wouldn't happen to be for a cover artist of my favorite group of all time, would it?!" Jonny asked painfully as he slapped his hands over the sides of his sweaty fuzz melon.
"They sure were! Did that bark-faced d*** not take you or something?" Eddy questioned, Jonny reaching one of his hands toward the back of his head.
"He sure didn't!" Jonny yelped as he yanked a band-aid off, taking bits of short hair and skin with it.
"Aw s***, Double D put you on his retarded pain-or-gain program, didn't he?!" Eddy asked as a tear slid from Jonny's eye. "Take it from an alumni, that sock-wearing jerk's methods make birdwatching seem like the thrill of a lifetime!"
"The pigeons are the most thrilling part!" Jonny cried before wrenching another band-aid from the back of his head.
"Jesus Christ, if you're gonna go through with it I aint' gonna stop your dumba**!" Eddy said as streams of salt ran down Jonny's cheeks. "Just make sure to grab a big fat ice pack and put it on your big fat head before you bleed out!"
"The freezer burn on my butt is thanks to you!" Jonny screamed before stripping his final band-aid from his skin and falling to his knees.
"F***in' s***, Jonny! Go find Plank before you scalp yourself! You were better off with that two dimensional jerk!" Eddy pleaded, not wanting to dial emergency services if the insane bald freak decided to go all out and skin himself alive.
"Thanks to you, Eddy! It's all thanks to you! I'm free of Plank and his acid vibes for the rest of my life!" Jonny squeaked out. He took one of his sandals off and bit down into the sole to fight through the pain. Eddy grinded his teeth together behind his lips as he stood over the sobbing teen. He was torn between laughing in his face or offering solemn words of condolence at this point.
"You're welcome," Eddy decided to say, Jonny wheezing out a sigh of relief as the sandal dropped from his mouth.
"That's all I needed to hear," Jonny answered with great effort. "P-Please shut that door before I realize there's a fourth band-aid I missed."
"You got it!" Eddy cheered before slamming the door in Jonny's mug.
Eddy nestled between blankets and empty tubs of Rocky Road on his bed, Tom Jones singing softly in the background. Towers of top-of-the-line porno mags were stacked like the Great Wall of China around his bed. Light from the moon streamed through the blinds of his window to illuminate dozens of Kanker sister voodoo dolls with bobby pins sticking out of their hearts on the floor. The phone near his bed rung to life and he sat up, sending ice cream tubs spilling off his bed and toppling the dam made out of dirty magazines. He didn't know what to expect when he answered that call. With the heartfelt encounters he had with Kevin and Jonny earlier today, it could very well be that his dark jungle magic had worked and the governor of Peach Creek was calling to congratulate him on snuffing out the Kanker sisters.
"It was for the good of vulnerable teenage boys everywhere, governor. Everyone has to face the reaper someday anyway," Eddy said after picking up the receiver.
"Oh lord, now you're speaking like a Brit too?" Edd asked from the other end of the line. "This quarantine you've placed yourself under is taking a toll on your mental health rather quickly."
"What the f***, sockhead? I stop being your friend for a few days and you're already running the d*** county?!" Eddy raged. "I guess I was holdin' your frilly a** back, huh?!"
"Heavens no, Eddy. I have my sights set much higher than that," Edd replied into his phone while dusting off a globe with a sticky note attached that read "New World Order".
"If you're so d*** high and mighty then why the h*** are you phoning a peon like me, mister important pants?!" Eddy raved. "Still haven't moved on or is having to deal with Ed on your own finally taking a toll on your mental health too?!"
"Both, but that's besides the point! Even though you've so rudely rebuffed our attempts to rekindle the decade-plus long friendship we shared with you, I still wanted to inform you that one plus one equals two!"
"Oh boy, did you learn that brain teaser from the time well spent with Ed, a**hole?"
"Quite the reverse, actually! My Machiavellian plot to unite Ed and Sarah in the glorious ritual of sibling solidarity finally paid off in full! Earlier this very day, I bore witness to the birth of something insidiously beautiful in its own right as brother and sister cast aside their daggers of rivalry and joined forces to consume mindless flashing violence radiating from a television screen! I was perched beside the pair, relishing every timeless memory they forged while partaking in creating quite a few myself I might add-"
"Create a f***ing point to this horses*** or the phone line's going dead!"
"Ed and Sarah are friends at last! Though I did find it strange that Sarah smashed a VHS tape over her head every few minutes."
"Strange? I think you mean great."
"In a former life I would agree! But in this new life of wondrous opportunities, I wish Sarah only the best with the love she's uncovered for our sweet friend Ed!" Edd said ecstatically before reaching over and grabbing his math homework and flipping it open. "We'll still have to work on Kevin of course, but this amazing progress with Sarah really has my hopes through the roof!"
"Don't worry about that rhombus head jerk, your s*** plan to play nice with him turned out to not be s***," Eddy revealed as Edd experienced what could only be described as an emotional orgasm. "Kev came up to me earlier and tried to apologize for years of abuse by giving me a quarter."
"How thoughtful, he knows your favorite denomination of coin!"
"Yeah, a real modern day saint. I even punched him in the gut and threatened to bury him alive and he took it all on the chin."
"No surprise there, that chin could stop an assassination attempt," Edd replied as he wrote passing grades for all of his Kevin-related math equations. "In any case, if Kevin is now on the path of redemption as well that leaves only your mysterious conflict with Ed and I!"
"Godd*** you're not cooking up f***ing math problems about me too now, are ya?!" Eddy asked as Edd quickly scribbled all over a page in his notebook.
"No?"
"Better not be. No one can ever solve the enigma of Eddy."
"Can you drop the act for even a second to explain why you've relegated Ed and I to desperate groupie status?! Was it Ed's guffawing? My overwrought and tired ranting? Did your parents decide we were a bad influence? Did one of the kids brutally rape you?"
"Uh, repeat that last part?"
"Did one of the kids brutally rape you?"
"Oh f*** I thought I imagined that."
"I'm leaving no stone unturned in my investigation, Eddy!"
"Well I'll stone your orange a** if you turn up at my house ever again!"
"You know I just want to help. Ed and I miss you," Edd said pathetically as gripped his hand on a page of his notebook.
"I don't need help... all you need to know is that we can't be friends," Eddy groaned out as the dark magic within the Kanker voodoo dolls activated and they began giggling at his despair. "Good... good luck, Double D." Eddy set the phone receiver back down before Edd could reply and quickly took hold of his baseball bat before lifting it above his head. What was one more telephone on the pile in this world where communication was filled with so much suffering?
Kevin thrust his foot into the post of a mailbox and it snapped it half as he finally finished perfecting his dorkwondo. He was thankful his arm and left eye had healed up overnight and was now seeking out the sockhatted dork. He had gotten up at the crack of dawn to spend time training on mailboxes since he figured Edd would probably run into him while on his paperboy route. Even though Kevin had failed to buy Eddy's friendship yesterday, he knew he couldn't give up on the plan and fail the loyal members of his Anti-Dork Mob.
"Good morning, Kevin!" Edd wheezed from up the street atop a bike, a trail of newspapers flying out behind him.
"Yo what's up with you, Double-" Kevin began when Edd sailed past him and crashed into a picket fence. "Damn bro, trying to make me feel better about losing my bike?" he asked before strolling over and helping Edd out of the twisted wreckage.
"I'm delighted if I did, but I'm actually tuckered out. It's hard to sleep when I keep awakening at every hour of the night screaming about being trapped in a basement at a party while drowning in a kiddie pool," Edd answered before taking a good rub at the deep bags under his eyes.
"Sounds like one hell of a party bro."
"Quite literally."
"Cool. I literally want to talk to you about something so wipe that geekshit from your mind," Kevin said as Edd's eyelids threatened to swell shut at any moment.
"Naturally I will accept your apology and put to rest the misery we've caused each other in the past."
"Jesus dude are you telepathic? Because I don't wanna have to spend money on tinfoil now too."
"My life would be half as miserable and twice as exciting if I had that ability," Edd replied wearily. "Eddy informed me yesterday of your change of heart. He also informed me that he threatened you with an early grave. You have my apologies for that."
"Don't let that get to you, if I had to kick the bucket right now I wouldn't choose anywhere else to lie these awesome bones than next to the metal bones of my bike," Kevin replied coolly. "What's the deal with Eddy anyway? I'm used to that geek flying off the handle at me but I heard he's been giving you a stone cold geek shoulder."
"The gossip circus never ends in this neighborhood, does it?" Edd muttered before fighting off the curtain of sleep that dropped down over him. "Sadly that bit of gossip is true, Eddy hasn't much been in the mood to live up to the title of our show as of late. So currently it's just Ed, Edd, n' Ed Again at this point."
"That's pretty shitty of him, bro. You didn't accidentally put him into a coma then bet him on a death race, did you?"
"No, did you?"
"Nope."
"I'm really not quite sure what Ed or I did to cause him to take such extreme measures. I'm really not in any shape to think about it either," Edd admitted before stumbling backwards. "I think I'm going to peddle my bike over to Ed's house now and curl up on his hay mattress. I believe if I put on some sunglasses, he won't be able to puzzle out that I'm napping and not spending time with him."
"Bro, you ain't peddling that piece of trash anywhere except the junkyard."
"Walking in a blind haze of sleep apnea it is. If you could drop the aforementioned piece of trash off at the junkyard for me, I would really appreciate it. Peace out, Kevin," Edd responded before lazily turning away and beginning his sleep-impaired journey. Kevin leaned down and pulled the mangled bike from the picket fence. A menacing grin appeared on his face as he watched the doomed boy genius bumble down the sidewalk.
"Peace out forever, dork."
At the outskirts of the creek, Kevin and Jonny took turns crushing empty soda cans against their heads as they watched Sarah tear yet another young oak from the earth in infantile rage. The three of them were meeting in secret to swap juicy gossip about their time spent playing fool with the Eds. So far they had barely said a word and instead settled on demonstrating different techniques they could use to pulverize the Eds into stains on the ground.
"And that's what I will do if Ed asks me to watch one more boyish crap movie with him!" Sarah shouted as her fury subsided at last and she stood exhaling over the splintered corpse of her latest victim.
"But I thought you said you only watched one so far with him?" Jonny asked as he caught a soda can Kevin finished flattening in a biodegradable recycling bag.
"Two is all it would take!"
"Good news for you then, I don't think another lame b-movie is airing in your future," Kevin comforted, cracking open another soda to enjoy then destroy. "Those sapdorks are trippin' over themselves to get on our good sides. We ain't gotta go overboard when they're practically begging to spit shine our shoes."
"I dunno about that! Eddy bought my breakdown over Plank but it sounds like your breakdown game needs some serious work because he wasn't buyin' what you're sellin'!" Jonny criticized before putting a can against a tree and ramming his claw-hammer forehead into it.
"Yeah, but you had the advantage of your breakdown being totally legit."
"I'm gonna have a totally legit breakdown too if this plan doesn't work!" Sarah fumed as she marched over to join them. "Gimme two cans stat! I need to pull off a double whammy since I had to deal with two Eds at once!"
"Looks like I didn't miss the team meeting after all!" Dutch exclaimed as he pranced to join them from the bushes. "I was worried you guys would implode without my delicate touch to ease all that tension building up in your muscles!"
"The only implosion going down is the one at the epicenter of the Dork Nation," Kevin replied as he handed two soda cans to Sarah that she cracked open with her thumbs. "What the hell took you so long anyway, fluffy? Saw some construction workers on the way over and stopped to drool?"
"Yes but they were on break so that was more like a speed bump!" Dutch replied before pulling poison ivy leaves off of his sweater. "I tripped over a golf club and tumbled inside of a log filled with a choir of animals that held me prisoner until I agreed to take their mixtape!"
"Dibs on that mixtape! They must be my spirit animals because I'm all about putting together some good tunes to bring a crowd together!" Jonny said cheerfully as Sarah chugged her dual-wield sodas next to him.
"Dude those woods freak me out too. The spiders in there spin webs the size of fucking fishing nets," Kevin said with a hardened look on his face. He had clearly seen some shit.
"Darn tootin'! Not to mention if you ain't watchin' your step you might run across a random three-way!" Jonny added. His comrades all shot side-ways glances at him.
"Bro that's not freaky that's freaky awesome. Why the fuck can't I have that kind of luck?" Kevin replied before sipping his carbonated sugar juice.
"Trust me when I say it's not freaky awesome unless you really like who's having that three-way!" Jonny cried. Sarah slammed her two soda cans against Jonny's head to simultaneously crush them and silence him.
"Will you two perverts stop yapping about sex in front of twelve-year-olds?!" Sarah demanded before dropping the cans into the recycling bag.
"Jonny can shut up, but please continue Kevin!" Dutch said happily as he twisted his fingers around each other.
"How about we continue on to the next part of the plan for those walking victims of the dork virus?" Kevin inquired, tiring of the constant small talk once again.
"Have it your way! So far it seems like all three of you are smashing successes at bamboozling those low-grade brutes! But if we truly want to string them along, we need to take it further than simple apologies or movie nights!" Dutch explained with devious fervor. He looked at his comrades hopefully for ideas on how to take the plot to the next level. Kevin and Jonny seemed rather complacent while Sarah stewed next to them.
"Okay fine! I'll be the one to bite the bullet and get Ed and Double D to hang out with all of us!" Sarah finally spat out, Kevin and Jonny each pouring out a soda in honor of her sacrifice. "But I'll only do it if you give me a hug for moral support, Dutch!"
"And now it's suddenly on Kevin to ask the Eds to hang out!" Dutch replied as he grabbed hold of Kevin's sleeve.
"No the fuck it ain't! I know for a fact both Ed and Double D are at Sarah's house right now!" Kevin responded before violently yanking his sleeve from Dutch's grasp.
"That means I'm now over qualified for the job!" Sarah exclaimed as she spread her arms out and wiggled her fingers. "I'll take my hug now!"
"The hug would be yours if it wasn't for the fact that Jonny's been dying to talk to Ed and Double D all day!" Dutch cried before slipping behind Jonny to use as a human shield.
"Not a chance, buddy! I already had to hide in a freezer the last time I talked to them! I took my lumps for the cause!" Jonny reasoned as he struggled to pry Dutch off of him. He accidentally kicked over a lukewarm bucket full of horse hooves and cow tongues hidden beside a tree and the contents spilled all over Kevin's shoes.
"Okay well now Jonny's definitely out because he's gotta swipe another fucking pair of shoes for me!" Kevin complained as he gagged at the wretched concoction eating through his sneakers.
"Please don't make me do this! I'll even paint full body nude portraits of both of you free of charge!" Dutch pleaded like a convict trying to get out of a life imprisonment.
"Damn Dutch just give the little babe a hug already!" Kevin complained as Jonny shoved Dutch away and toward Sarah.
"If it helps take the edge off, I haven't been thinking about hugging you every second of my life for the past five days!" Sarah said soothingly to the trembling boy. Dutch shut his eyes and braced himself.
"Let's get it over with! Lay it on me, girlfriend!" Dutch relented before throwing his arms out to his admirer.
"With pleasure!" Sarah beamed before wrapping him in her embrace of forbidden love. Kevin and Jonny stared awkwardly at the uncomfortably long-winded silent hug.
"Are we supposed to clap or something right now?" Jonny whispered to Kevin, who emitted a low growl at this waste of perfectly good white space.
"Alright can we get a move on before Jonny owes me a new pair of socks too?" Kevin asked impatiently.
"Ready to move on and out!" Sarah replied before releasing Dutch, who didn't budge a bit.
"Can I open my eyes now or am I still a hug hostage?" Dutch asked nervously.
"My super scary hug is over now, for Pete's sake!" Sarah complained as she shifted from sugar sweet to sour power once again.
"Oh thank goodness!" Dutch proclaimed before fanning his face with his hands. "But now I think I need a good team building exercise to restore my faith in our club!"
"Fine! Let's go work off your stress attack about girl germs by throwing up some more anti-Ed propaganda in the lane!" Kevin suggested before flicking his wrist and catching a spray can that popped out of his sleeve.
"Now that's the kind of boyish crap I can get behind! Toss a can my way because I've got a few slam poems about Ed I need to get off my chest!" Sarah replied, not that there was anything on her washboard chest in the first place.
"*Guffaws* then i mopped up that mess in my bathroom you slipped on with the tablecloth from the kitchen ahahaha then u walked in to visit me and thats everything i did since i saw you yesterday," Ed stated confidentially to Edd, who was laying slumped against his bedroom wall with a pair of badass shades on.
"This Ed Turkey a-la-king is under-cooked..." Edd mumbled in response as a snot bubble popped out of his nostril.
"*Guffaws* this conversation is undercooked too ahahaha time for a defrost," Ed answered before wriggling across his floor like a tapeworm to retrieve his special edition Robot Rebel Ranch Space Outlaw Spittoon Rocket he had hidden under the straws of his bed. He rolled his stroll over to his semi-conscious friend and placed the thruster of the rocket snugly inside Edd's left nostril.
"Please mother... I hardly need a sticky note to remind me to blow my nose..." Edd whispered peacefully.
"*Guffaws* starting the countdown to launch ahahaha five four three two one go," Ed cranked out before throwing his arms up in front of Edd. "*Guffaws* double dee i just saw rolf walk into ur house with wilfred victor a dozen chickens and a buncha other stinky farm animals ahahaha"
"Visitors are always nice on a carefree day like this..." Edd muttered before taking in a breath of air.
"*Guffaws* and none of them wiped their feet"
"It's the apocalypse!" Edd screamed in terror, shooting the rocket out of his nose and sending it on a round trip around Ed's bedroom.
"*Guffaws* the experts said it couldnt be done ahahaha but i have unlocked the secrets of snot rocketry," Ed stated in elation as he observed his model rocket enter stable orbit in the stratosphere of his room.
"Where is he, Ed?! When I get my scrawny ill-prepared hands on Rolf there won't be a guardian angel in the pantheon of any known earthly religion that can spare him from my wrath!" Edd seethed before taking off his sunglasses and failing to crush them in his palm.
"*Guffaws* false alarm ahahaha please leave the panic room by the exit on your right"
"Don't scare me like that! Have I ever discussed the pitfalls of crying wolf with you before?!" Edd whined in distress before standing up from the bedroom wall. "If I haven't, I can give a two for one lecture and run through why nasal cavities make a poor substitute for propulsion systems too!"
"*Guffaws* the triple r sos rocket experiment passed with flying green colors ahahaha ill take my labcoat now smarty pants," Ed responded as he spun himself around on his bum to track the progress of the maiden voyage.
"That's a mouthful of a moniker," Edd commented, getting over himself at long last. The savage sound of the front door being torn off its hinges snapped the two irresistible boys to attention. "Ah, the tell-tale siren call of your sister returning home at long last! What say we go upstairs for a spell to check on her!"
"*Guffaws* be there in a jiffy ahahaha right after the brave tiny outlaws radio in first contact," Ed said before pulling out one of his dad's empty liquor bottles and using it as a telescope to laser in on the miniature rocket.
"If we're fortunate enough, the aliens will skip the probe routine and roll right into sucking out their brains," Edd humored before laying a hand on Ed's shoulder. "Take these to protect your eyes, it's only a matter of time before you use that makeshift ocular device to stare at the sun!" he suggested before dropping his sunglasses into Ed's free hand. With necessary safety precautions out of the way, Edd used the loose bricks sliding out of the basement wall to climb into the hallway and set off to find Ed's sassy sister.
"Put your game face on!" Sarah cheered in the kitchen to pump herself up before chugging the last can of soda she had pried from Jonny's fingers. She couldn't allow precious sugar reserves to be wasted on the weak like that.
"It's a delight to have you back home so soon, Sarah!" Edd greeted as he walked into the room. Sarah quickly opened the fridge and rammed a can of spray paint into the waiting innards of the fridge. Two ketchup bottles shot out and she ducked under them before slamming the fridge shut.
"And it's a fright of a delight to have you here to greet me!" Sarah declared before crushing her empty soda against her right temple while never taking her eyes off of Edd. "How is boyish crap time going with my big funny brother that I love and trust when the stakes are high and the chips are down?!"
"Your brother used my nose as a launchpad," Edd informed her.
"And that's why I love him! He doesn't let a body part go to waste!" Sarah informed him while running her finger nails down the fridge door.
"Since we're swapping stories, how was your day thus far, Sarah?" Edd asked, trying his darnedest to finally carry on a conversation with Sarah that lasted more than a minute.
"I loved drowning in boyish crap with you and Ed so much that I decided to try it again with Kevin!" Sarah exclaimed while twisting the flat soda can into assorted origami patterns.
"I had no idea you two were so close that you trusted him with such a daunting task!"
"Yuck. No! It's just that Dutch doesn't know the first thing about what boys actually like and I had to pass on streaking in town with Jonny!" Sarah answered as the bounds of her gag reflex were put to the test.
"Oh no need to play the innocent sister act with me, if you want to pursue a crush I won't trouble Ed with your secret!" Edd teased playfully.
"Yuck times two. No! I bet Kevin doesn't even own a baby blue sweater!" Sarah replied as the disgust was made double.
"In Kevin's defense, we really could all do with more variety in our choice of wardrobe," Edd said as he pondered the possibilities of living on the wild side and getting his head fitted for a pink sockhat.
"Since we're talking about all of my bestest friends, I just had the bestest idea ever!" Sarah sung before hopscotching on the kitchen tiles until she was standing but an inch from Edd. He stared down at Ed's young and impressionable sister with bated breath as she made goo-goo eyes at him.
"Oh my, you're not about to force me into a baby blue sweater like a fashion straight jacket, are you?" Edd choked out as Sarah lurched uncomfortably close to him on her tippy-toes.
"No but don't tempt me with a good time!" Sarah doted while reaching up and pinching Edd's cheek. "The bestest idea is that you should grab my bestest big brother so we can have the bestest time with my bestest friends in the bestest Cul-De-Sac!"
"The day has come at last!" Edd answered as he cupped his hands together and tears welled in the corners of his eyes. "My heart can't take it! You've made me the happiest young adult in a five block radius, Sarah!"
"I can't have you suffering a heart attack until after you spend the bestest day ever with us!" Sarah declared as she dug her teeth into her lip to maintain her sickeningly sweet grin.
"You're right, dropping dead before living out this experience would be a travesty!" Edd answered back before dabbing his collar against his eyes. "I shall inform Ed at once and we shall set sail on a glorious sunset cruise of companionship with you and the others!"
"*Guffaws* consider me informulated ahahaha time for take two on the maiden voyage," Ed interjected as he walked into the kitchen with his burning model rocket crashed on the flat landing strip on top of his head.
"Then Double D doesn't have to waste time repeating everything I said! Let's go find everyone else so all the pressure isn't on me anymore!" Sarah declared as Edd entered a wonderland of platonic ecstasy in his mind and Ed eyed the soda can in her hand shaped like a unicorn.
"*Guffaws* aw shucks sarah ahahaha is that the last sodie pop," Ed asked as he adjusted his upside down sunglasses.
"No way, silly, of course I saved one for you!" Sarah answered before swinging the fridge open and digging around inside. She tossed him a bright yellow can of spray paint and he shook it up.
"*Guffaws* now i am fully prepared to enter the friend zone ahahaha," Ed cheered before blasting a cold wave of happy paint down his throat.
"And this is how the pagan priests of Rolf's old country would finish the vow of eternal servitude!" Rolf announced before sweeping Victor off his hooves and planting a heart-felt kiss on the ornery goat's snout.
"I don't think the groom would be down with a priest snogging his bride like that, dude!" Nazz wigged out as she watched Rolf pull his lips from the goat before tossing him into his turnip patch.
"A ritual of matrimony was never considered complete unless a lecherous elder was burned at the stake before the night was out!" Rolf explained before striding over to Nazz, who sat with her ass inside of an old barrel of seasoned tree sap to sooth the spot where Victor had rammed one of his horns into her left butt cheek. "If one could not be found before the ceremony commenced the priest would be expected to fulfill the duty!"
"That's wicked awesome in a rustic way, but why exactly did you decide to reenact a wacked out wedding for me?" Nazz inquired in utter confusion.
"Are we not to be wed?" Rolf asked with an offended glare.
"That would be news to me!" Nazz worried when she realized she hadn't booked time for a fitting at a bridal shop. "Why would you want to spend your golden years with a gal like me anyway? I thought you'd go for a mail order bride from your old country!"
"Rolf had planned on preparing the postage for an indentured wife by year's end, yes! That was until it dawned on Rolf that the only way to protect himself and bounce-your-breasts Nazz-girl from the lechery of the Kanker-girls was with a bronze shield forged from a marriage certificate!"
"Honestly dude, I don't think they care about being labeled accessories to adultery. Like, that might be an even bigger turn on for them," Nazz replied solemnly. The sounds of the other kids fucking around in the Cul-De-Sac saved Rolf and Nazz from having to further relive their nightmarishly sexy encounters with the Kankers.
"Rolf shall postpone the wedding planning with Nana so we may join the noodleheads in the hobbies of lazy good-for-nothings!" Rolf offered before helping Nazz step down from the barrel without planting her feet into any chicken pellets.
"Finally, I rock at being a cool lazy good-for-nothing!" Nazz replied as the two of them rounded Rolf's abode to find their friends. They stopped their search cold when they spotted the get-along gang goofing off in the center of the Cul-De-Sac with two unexpected faces in the pack.
"Doth Rolf's eyes deceive him? Is that not half-hatched Ed-boy and void-in-the-teeth Ed-boy in the midst of our chickenshit allies?" Rolf asked in disbelief as he watched Ed and Edd have a merry old time with Kevin and the others.
"Oh God, I hope they're not about to lynch them!" Nazz panicked before spotting a third face among the group: Jonny. She held back a scream and fell into a deeper fit of mania. "The forbidden one at six o'clock! I need my emergency disguise kit!" she declared before thrusting a hand into the left asscheek pocket of her jeans. She pulled out a paper Food Lion bag with a cartoony girl's face doodled on it and covered her head with it.
"Has Nazz-girl finally checked out of this world?" Rolf asked as he turned his disbelief to his bubbly blonde companion.
"Rolf dude, I'm now Suzette!" Nazz announced as she revealed her split personality disorder.
"But you are Nazz-girl?" Rolf asked before tapping a ball-peen hammer against center of her forehead through the disguise.
"Call me blow-out-your-brains Suzette-girl if you have to! But whatever you do, don't call me Nazz until I give the signal for the all clear!" Nazz pleaded before taking hold of Rolf's hand. "Now walk us over to them! I couldn't risk cutting eye holes into this thing or the forbidden one might recognize my corneas!"
"Rolf will accept your fresh madness because he is pleased the shoe of blindness is on the other foot," Rolf replied happily before guiding the deranged blind girl toward their friends.
"Enough about your wall weasel infestation, Jonny! Everyone check out my new wheels instead!" Kevin exclaimed as he gestured down to the dinged and battered bicycle he was sitting on.
"Those new wheels look deceptively similar to my old wheels," Edd pondered, Kevin giving him a friendly punch on the arm.
"I just happened to find a bike that's the same make and model of yours at the junkyard, geekbro!" Kevin claimed before spitting on the handlebars and whacking them off. "Once I buff the scratches, hammer the frame into shape, and drop a new paint job on it, you won't even recognize it anymore!"
"I hope not or I'd have to file a police report," Edd muttered.
"*Guffaws* forget the wall weasels and let me show you my wall sponges ahahaha they will have that bike sudded up more than a polar sleigh ride," Ed chimed in before licking specks of spray paint from his chops.
"Hey there new people!" Nazz greeted as Rolf pulled her toward the group before she fell into a nearby open manhole.
"*Guffaws* whoa whos the new too hot to trot hottie ahahaha my name is ed but you can call me horace if you let me sniff your hair," Ed greeted back, his heart thumping with every other word.
"Aw, she ain't nuthin' special, Ed! Doesn't do a darn thing for this peacenik!" Jonny dismissed, Nazz sighing blissfully. The rest of the kids all stared at the masked girl before all shifting their concerned gaze to Rolf.
"This is pan-cracking-eggs Suzette-girl," Rolf said before letting go of Nazz's hand for a moment to roll up his sleeve and engorge his bicep. "You will all refer to her as Suzette and nothing else or Rolf will begin snapping necks. Thank you and goodbye."
"R-Right, Rolf. I remember my dudette Suzette!" Kevin began before rubbing the back of his neck. "I think you attended Peach Creek Junior High for like one minute with us."
"*Guffaws* sweet double dee ahahaha kevin has an in with the new hotness," Ed whispered as he nudged a now delirious Edd.
"That's right dude- I mean man!" Nazz sputtered out as Rolf squeezed her hand. "Man is my catchphrase! That's how you know good old Suzette is bouncing along to show you a good time, man!"
"Since you're Suzette and nobody else, I've got a few things I've been dying to tell you!" Dutch started before sliding a foot out of the crowd and using it to pull himself next to her. "Your hair is thick with split ends, those fake nails aren't fooling anybody, and I noticed a wrinkle on your forehead the other day!"
"Wow, thanks for filling me in!" Nazz said with fake cheer. "Anything else you want to tell me while I'm nice and vulnerable, man?"
"Not really, only that you can thank me later for giving my best to salvage a walking fashion disaster, man!" Dutch let out before emitting a snicker and retreating to the safety of his unpaid bodyguard Sarah.
"Who else wants to start up a car wash and clean Kevin's stupid bike instead of standing around like a buncha dummies?!" Sarah interrupted as Dutch cheesed behind her.
"Solid choice there, little babe," Kevin replied, appreciating any distraction from Nazz's slow-motion meltdown. "Wanna bust out those sponges and wax this bike until it's cool enough for a cool guy like me, dudegeek?" he asked Ed, who finally pried his eyes away from the pretty bag on Nazz's face.
"*Guffaws* ed is open for business jack ahahaha first in line gets dibs on my ducky sponge," Ed cheered before following Kevin on the zigzag path he was peddling on his crooked bike.
"Let's go help them before I change my mind and drink from a garden hose until I explode!" Sarah declared before grabbing Dutch and Jonny by their collars and starting to drag them away.
"You ever feel like a trailer hitched to a truck, Dutch?" Jonny asked as the asphalt grinded his against his tail bone.
"I didn't until this very moment," Dutch responded as he bounced off every loose piece of gravel on Sarah's warpath.
"Would you like to join us, Rolf and Suzette? If you're not up to polishing Kevin's bike chain, Suzette, you can always hose yourself down with Sarah!" Edd offered to the odd couple.
"Suzette?! Don't worry about that whole mess, Double Dude, it's just me under here," Nazz replied before lifting the bag from her head. Edd shot his eyes over to Rolf and the tall boy nodded in approval at him.
"Delighted to have you back, Nazz! The offer is the same but all the more wondrous with you on board!"
"Rolf and I will definitely tag along for this bangin' new car wash! But I'm not doing a wet t-shirt show with Sarah unless I get paid, dude!"
"Rolf never agreed to any chores but his own!" Rolf retorted before yanking on Nazz's arm.
"Don't think of it as a chore, Rolf! Think of it as helping Ed and I build a better tomorrow on top of this good today!" Edd comforted as he swung a happy-go-lucky fist in front of him.
"Very well! Rolf shall tag along to witness the superior calendar days you promise but if they are not to Rolf's standards of amusement, it is off to Nana to budget catering for the wedding!" Rolf declared resolutely. "But first Rolf wishes to be enlightened to why the Ed-boys are now respected instead of tarred-and-feathered town fools!"
"Due to absolutely no underhanded schemes of my own, the others have brought Ed and I into the fold!" Edd answered with a pep in his step. "Won't your days before we're all shipped away from home on our eighteenth birthdays be so much brighter with us at your sides?!"
"Totally, it's about time everyone got over the petty grudge matches and got along!" Nazz replied before stuffing her Jonny-proof disguise back into her left asspocket.
"Then let's waste not another second and get along to the car wash! I may not get my hands on the coveted ducky sponge, but perhaps there's one in the shape of a molecule waiting for me!" Edd said before turning to leave and join the others at Ed's wonderland of soap bubbles.
"You can let go of my hand now, dude! At least until the next time I need to go undercover!" Nazz told Rolf, who chuckled in great mirth.
"You prod Rolf's throat apple, Nazz-girl! Rolf will never allow his betrothed to leave his sight again!" Rolf replied merrily before running after Edd and dragging Nazz behind him.
"Life on a trailer hitch is such a bitch," Nazz whined in defeat as the asphalt left skid marks on her perfectly plump bottom.
Eddy stared out into the Cul-De-Sac from his living room window as he watched the kids retreat one by one to Ed's house, a small part of his heart withering away with each kid that escaped his sight. He wished he had never signed the sex slavery contract Marie had written up in those woods. He would take back all the barbaric boning if he could only be with his two friends. Their plan to befriend everyone had worked, but he wasn't a part of that plan anymore. He couldn't be, not with the guilt he carried and the possibility of those pesky Kanker cads running their blowholes. Yet he continued to hold onto a faint hope somewhere inside of him.
A Lee Kanker voodoo doll on his window sill started cackling, so he ripped its head off.
There was no hope. Not to Eddy.
