One for Sorrow
Pairing: McRoll
Spoilers for season 10 - Episode 7
Chapter - 38
Author's Notes:
Warning: Possible Triggers
This might trigger people if you have recently experienced a death/been to a funeral of someone close to you. Just wanted to give a warning before the chapter began.
Once everyone was seated, the funeral director began, "I want to start by welcoming you all this morning.. Before we begin, I'd like to announce that the family invites you back to Commander McGarrett's home for refreshments after the service, please turn your cell phones off or to silent". He looking over at the handful of mourners. It wasn't a massive crowd, though he could sense that the people that were here were the ones that wanted to be here, even if they didn't know the deceased personally.
He had spoken to Steve and Mary for a few moments before the service was to begin, both had expressed a desire to say a few words as did little Joanie whom he could see was struggling to come to terms with the loss of her grandmother, but was determined to speak.
"Ladies, gentleman and little ones", he looked warmly at Joan whom was sitting next to Charlie, before looking back to everyone else. "My name is Peter Garcia and I'm a civil celebrant.. On behalf of Spenser and Johnson funeral home, I thank everyone for coming to share and honor the memory of Doris McGarrett today".
He continued with the service, giving the eulogy and talking about Doris's life, as much as he had been told by Steve and Mary McGarrett, the children of the deceased. Most of it centred around what she had done for a living on the island and serving her country for the CIA.
Steve sat with Catherine to his left and Mary to his right, with Joan to her right. His left hand was entwined with Catherines, while his right hand was around Mary's shoulder, Mary leaning into him with her own arm around Joan. The five-o team sat in seats directly behind Steve and Mary, with other members of the five-o Ohana including Rachel, Renee Grover and even Duke and his wife Lara.
Behind them were a lot of of the HPD and even the Navy were present since Doris's husband and son were officers in the Navy. Before he knew it, Peter was calling him up to say a few words, "Now I call on Commander Steven McGarrett, who would like to say a few words about his mother".
Before he went, Catherine squeezed his hand, and kissed his cheek, "You can do this", whispering in his ear before he let go of her hand and stood up to take his place behind the little podium stand they had set up.
"For those of you who know about my mother's past, this isn't the first time I've had to say goodbye to her", he had a slight tremble to his voice, but he continued, he had written something and it was in front of him, and part of him was reading it and the other part improvising. "I thought at the time it was the last time I'd say goodbye.. that was when I was only fifteen years old".
Taking a breath to steady himself, he let it out slowly, "Even knowing now that this is the /final/ time I get to say goodbye to her, it doesn't make it any easier.. My mother and I, we had a complicated past, that's not what today is about, for the first fifteen years of my life, she was just my Mom, the woman that raised me and helped guide me through those first fifteen years and that is the woman that I want to remember".
The tears were starting to fall now, Catherine reaching for Mary's hand to squeeze without taking her eyes off Steve, Lou rubbing Mary's back from his row behind her when he heard her choke back a sob, Joanie leaving her seat to go sit with her Uncle Danny where she buried her head into his shoulder, rubbing gentle circles on her back.
"The Mom who helped me make a working volcano when I was ten for the science parade, the Mom who tucked me into bed at night and reassured me that Dad would be home safe and sound, the Mom who helped me ride my bike without training wheels, and the Mom that took me shopping for a Valentines Day gift for Mary because she was sad she didn't get anything at school".
Watching her die in front of him and the things she had said, it did give him perspective and it made him start to see her in a different light. He still hated that she had essentially abandoned her husband and children, and yet it made her a more realistic person in his eyes, a woman that was trying to do the right thing even though she left her family behind. He would never truly understand her reasons, but he could sense some of what she shared with him that day she died.
"Her leaving the way she did, the chain of events that happened afterwards, the only positive I can take from it is that it made me the man I am today, and helped introduce me to the people I know today", he looked specifically at Catherine and smiled softly. If his Dad had never shipped him off the island and to the Naval academy, he would never have met Catherine because he had always strived to be a HPD police officer before he left the island.
"I love you Mom, and I'll always miss you". With that, he stepped off the podium and took the white rose he had in his hand and placed it on the closed coffin, putting his finger to his lips, and then pressed it to the coffin, taking a few moments alone, everyone quiet and watching him before he made his way back to Catherine and sat down.
The funeral director spoke again, and this time asked Mary to come up to say a few words. Taking a deep breath, she turned to her big brother who gave her a hug, "Love you Mare", he whispered encouragingly, her tears already falling, nodding back and mouthing 'I love you too bro".
She stepped up to the podium with her own white rose, and sighed softly.. "My brother has been trying to get me to move back to the island since he first came home ten years ago.. The island stopped feeling like my home when our Mom /died/ in that car accident, or as we found out later a car bomb. I never told Steve why I was hesitant in coming back, it was because I had all these great memories of time spent with my parents, and Steve as a kid that I felt it would be too painful to come home and relieve all those memories".
Stopping for a moment, she looked out, seeing Joan watching her while still tucked up safely in Danny's arms, little Charlie's hand holding hers, and she took another breath, wiping her tears with her kleenex, "When Steve told me she was alive, I was hesitant to let her back in, I didn't want to be hurt again, but little by little, she started to come around even when Joan and I was in L.A and knowing that Joan at least deserved to know her grandmother, I gave her a second chance.. It was the best decision I made because I got to spend time with my mother and Joan with her grandmother before we lost her for good".
Those moments were really good moments too, she got to see her mother as a grandmother and being silly and funny with her granddaughter, and it was worth the fear of being hurt again because like her brother, all she wanted from the moment her mother left her life was her back in it as well. "Because of everything that's happened recently, Joan and I have finally made the decision to come home back to the island for good, and I thank my mother for helping to make that happen.. Life is short and I know Mom and Dad would want Steve and I to be closer and for Joan to be close to her family". Turning to face the coffin, she sighed sadly, walking slowly over to it, "I love you so much Mommy", before breaking down, leaning down and kissing the coffin as she placed the rose down next to Steve's rose.
It had been softly spoken but Steve had heard how she called Doris Mommy and it broke his heart.. He squeezed Catherine's hand a little tighter as he struggled to keep his own emotions in check again and watched as she came back to sit beside him, his arm wrapping around her shoulder once more, and leaning in to kiss her forehead, "Proud of you Sis".
Again the funeral director spoke, and then he came over to where Joan was sitting and quietly asked her if she would still like to say something. She nodded her head shyly and Danny stood up with her, carrying her over to where the podium was, "If you need me to take over, just let me know honey", he told her quietly as she clutched her own white rose in one hand and a little bunny her grandmother had brought for her as an easter present.
Both Steve and Mary were sitting there, hands clutched together as they watched their daughter and niece.. Joanie hadn't know Doris for long, but it was the McGarrett in her that gave her the bravery to get up and say something and he never cherished his friendship with Danny more than now in this moment for being the one to take her up there. They might whine and whinge about each other at times but at the most important moments of their lives, they knew they could count on each other.
"My Nanny took me to the park and the zoo, and looked after me a couple times when I was sick and Mommy had to work.. She even gave me ice cream to make me feel better… She told me stories and brought me special presents", she played with one of the buttons on Danny's shirt as she spoke, her lower lip quivering a little, "She gave the best hugs ever and I miss her so much, Mommy and Uncle Steve told me she is in heaven with Poppa, I hope Poppa takes good care of her because she is special to me".
Both Steve and Mary had made it a priority to never speak badly about Doris or about her past too much to or in front of Joan. When Doris came back into their lives, Mary had asked Steve his opinion about having her around Joan and though his own feelings for his mother were complicated, he knew Joan deserved to know her grandmother.. He had been hesitant at first when Mary first adopted her but he quickly changed his mind when he saw Mary and Joan together.
Being adopted, he knew that though Joan knew she was adopted, it was a closed adoption. The birth parents didn't want any contact at all with Joan or Mary and so she only had Mary and Steve and now her five-o family and island family that Steve had brought into Mary and Joan's lives, and so having at least one grandparent in her life could only be good for her.
Joanie then whispered in Danny's ear and he nodded, patting her back gently as he walked her over to the coffin and leaned over so she could place the rose on the coffin like she had seen her uncle and mother do. "Love you so much Nanny, I miss you". She leaned further in and kissed the coffin too and then sat up straighter in Danny's arms, burying her head in his shoulder, clutching her bunny closer to her chest, "Shh, it's okay Joanie", Danny whispered as he cuddled her close, walking back over to take their seats. Both Mary and Danny expected Joan to want to go back to her mother but they were both surprised when she snuggled in more to Danny once he sat down, showing she was just as comfortable with him as she was Mary, Steve and Cath.
The funeral director came back up to the podium and he began talking again, "It is appropriate now to pause for a moment, those who are believers might like to pray, others might choose to reflect on Doris's life and the meaning it holds for you. During this time, the family have chosen a special song for you to listen to that resonates with both the McGarrett children, Mama's arms which was written and is sung by Joshua Kadison".
Once the song was over, he continued to speak, "Our thoughts are with the family, to Doris's two children Steven and Mary, Steven's partner Catherine and her granddaughter Joan, and anyone else who knew Doris and cared for her or even just cared for her family, we extend to you our deepest sympathy.. Doris is to be buried with her husband Lieutenant Sergeant John McGarrett, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we comment to almighty god Doris Jean McGarrett. And we commit her body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, may the Lord bless her, and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon her, be gracious to her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace, Amen".
With that the final music came on, a song that Joan had picked up, It was the day you went away by an artist named Wendy Matthews, even at her tender young age of seven, she had heard her Mommy listen to this song and it seemed the perfect song to end the service with and as they all began to stand to watch the coffin being lowered into the ground and the first bit of dirt being thrown onto the coffin once it was lowered, Catherine could feel Steve's shoulders moving and she pulled him into her arms and held him close, letting him cry and get it out. He hadn't cried much at all and she knew he was afraid once he started he wouldn't be able to stop.
Lou had already anticipated Mary needing someone to lean on and so had come forward to wrap his arms around the woman that he viewed as like a younger sister, his hand moving in circular patterns on her back to comfort her, Danny doing the same with Joanie, swaying his body from side to side gently. The rest of the five-o Ohana decided to pay their respects back at the house and get a start on preparations for the food and refreshments so they headed back to their cars, letting the McGarretts take their time to grieve.
Author's' Note
I'm going to apologise for the length of this chapter. I know most people don't mind longer ones, this one was intentional because I didn't want the funeral service to lead into the next chapter. I wanted chapter 39 to be once they got back to Steve and Catherine's home and I wanted to kind of rip the bandaid off and get this one done because I knew it would be a terribly sad one to do.
I feel this one has been a really hard one for me to do as well, I have been to a few close family members funerals before including my own Nan's when I was seventeen, the reason I kept holding off on doing these last two chapters was because it was my the anniversary of my Nan's death on the 7th February and though she has been gone for eighteen years this year, it's still difficult for me as well. It' s a tough subject in general to write about but this was what this story was always leading into so I do apologise if was too overwhelming or to upsetting for anyone, I just like to be as realistic as I can be in my own versions.
Going forward, I will keep going on with this one till it meets up with Thinking out loud, so even though I am a few months late, I'll do a Christmas and a New Year chapter and try to keep it on a generalised time table to meet up with the new story I added yesterday. I'll also continue to add chapters for Right here waiting and finish off Thinking out loud and adding chapters to I need you. I will also add a new story to the mix when Chin, Abby and Sara come back to the island as well. I feel those characters deserve their own stories.
One thing I have been unsure of is Danny and Rachel.. I do ship them hardcore, but It seems Danny is going through a bit of a crisis lately with his relationship with Rachel, he hooked up with that Joanna whom died in that car accident and I unsure how to proceed with Danny/Rachel.. I could go one of three ways.
1: The death of Joanna made him realise he needs to put a bit more romance and effort into his relationship with Rachel
2: Joanna in my version doesn't die and he ends it with Rachel for good and takes things slow with Joanna.
3: Joanna dies, however the short meeting he had with Joanna makes him realise it can't work with Rachel and he walks away, and perhaps someone from his past, Gabby for example comes back into his life and they decide to try again.
One thing I saw with Danny and Joanna was him smiling and enjoying that first meeting and knowing you have met someone special. I don't enjoy seeing anyone else with Steve, not that I don't like the character but I don't like the coupling but with Danny, I was rooting for Joanna to live because I did see potential there and was devastated when that chance was ripped from Danny.
Let me know what you think and I'll see how it feels writing it.. I am just unsure at the moment and need a bit of advice and direction from fellow fans who might want to see something go a specific way.
