Chapter 79.

Dean watched Sam and Cas from the kitchen window. "What do you think they're talking about out there?"

"Jules, I hope." said Sarah.

"I hope so too." said Dean, "You don't think Sam thinks ... "

Sarah smiled. "You did have a chance to clarify. You chose not to take it. I suspect Sam is well aware that you're heterosexual. You don't do a great job of hiding it."

"Cas should be more careful how he phrases things."

"Castiel has no idea of the many layers of meaning in things that are said."

"I know. He's like a little kid."

"And you are far too bothered by this." said Sarah.

"It's Destiel stuff." said Dean.

"And Destiel is ... "

"You know the Supernatural books?"

"I know of them."

"They have fans and some of the fans have some weird ideas about us and the Destiel kind think Cas and I should ... you know ... be together."

"Oh." she said.

"I mean, there's fanfiction and everything. Stories where we call each other Babe and have sex ... really badly written sex ... written by frustrated females who have clearly never seen a man naked."

"You've read a lot of this stuff?" said Sarah.

"You get curious and you look and then you wish you hadn't looked, because you want to clean your eyes with bleach and I don't know if he knows about it and I don't know what he'll think if he ever finds out. I don't want him to think any of that applies to us in any way."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" she asked.

"No! God, no! He's confused enough. If he never knows it exists, everything will be great."

"You're probably right. Knowing it exists is clearly troubling you."

"Do you think I'm repressing feelings for him?"

"No." she said.

"Good. I'm not. Not those feelings."

"But others?" she said.

"I'm not denying I have strong feelings for Cas. Guy pulled me out of Hell. There's the cabin, Lisa, Purgatory, Sam and a couple of apocalypses he kinda helped us stop. That stuff doesn't leave without a trace. That stuff changes things forever."

"Of course." she said.

"And if I don't say it, it's not because I'm ashamed of those feelings or don't want him to know." He looked out of the window again, seeing Cas looking at Sam in a way that spoke of profound love and trust. "I wish I could be like Sam." he said.

Sarah began to fill the sink with water. He gently moved her aside. "You leave that. I can wash dishes." he said.

"Fine, but only if you keep talking." she said.

"What is there to say? There's not a relationship in my life I haven't screwed up, broken, betrayed ... And an angel of the Lord keeps on forgiving me and looking past all my mistakes and I would give my life ... I'd go to Hell again, forever, for him or for Sam. What I feel for them ... there are no words. I could spend my whole life looking for a way to tell them."

"I think they know, Dean."

"What good is 'I love you' when most of the people I've said it to died because of me? Including Castiel. And then some sixteen year old loser takes what she sees of us in a crumby book and twists it into some kind of tawdry hook-up. Not that I have a problem with tawdry hook-ups, but it's hard enough to tell Cas what he means to me, without all the Destiel crap complicating it."

"Are you eager to see him in a relationship with Jules because supporting it shows him and everyone else that you're not jealous?" said Sarah.

Dean gathered the dishes and put them into the water. "I want him to be happy."

"I know you do."

"But yeah, I also want him to know I'm not jealous in that way."

"But you are in another?"

He smiled. "I never had much I didn't have to share. I don't want him to be alone and I don't want him following me around like a lost puppy, but I also don't want him to disappear with Jules, here or anywhere else. The worst part is, he knows that, because of the link. He knows I don't want him to leave the bunker. What kind of friend puts his own insecurity above his best friend's happiness?"

"We all have thoughts and feelings we feel ashamed of. We all have moments when our feelings seem more important than anyone else's. The test of character is not whether you feel that way, but how you decide to respond to those feelings. Here you are, supporting him in finding happiness with what could be the love of his life. It's okay to have mixed feelings about it. It's human."

"There you go again, mistaking me for a human." he said.

"Last night shook you up a lot more than you're prepared to admit, at least to him."

"The mind curse ... link is always uncomfortable. Truth is, it feels more intimate than sex in some ways. Not that I'm saying it's sexual. Destiel is crap."

"Noted." said Sarah.

"But it's naked, mind on mind contact and weird enough when strongly and consciously controlled. Last night, we were both exposed in a way we never have been before and in a way, that was terrifying."

"And in a way it wasn't?"

"For years, I kept a faint memory of how it felt to be loved, completely and unconditionally, by someone who knew every thought in my head. That memory kept me going through some bad times and I never imagined I could have that again. Even when Mom came back, it wasn't there anymore. It's weird, but it's like I was grieving for it, even though she was there in front of me, because that feeling was gone, innocence, total trust."

"Understandable." she said.

"How is it understandable? I didn't trust Mom. I still don't. I want to, but I don't."

"She left you."

"Not by choice. I feel like I'm always waiting for her to leave again, like I want to be ready for it. Only I won't feel any less shocked and hurt and devastated when it happens, because I was ready for it. I realise this makes zero sense."

"It all makes perfect sense. Don't be too critical of your own thoughts. Give yourself permission to think and feel as you do."

"Last night, with Cas, there was that feeling I never thought I would find again. Don't ask me to explain it better than that, because I can't. I don't even know where it came from. I only know that I felt it again and it felt like I finally made it home."

"That's enough to leave anyone a little shaken." she said.

"Yeah, ya think?"