Chapter 80.

Cas walked around the hives, the flowers and the outbuildings, grateful for Sam's quiet company and aware that the silence was intentional. Sam was giving him time and space to think, but making sure he knew he was not alone. He also knew that Sam thought he was making a terrible mistake. He wished he could disagree.

If Jules agreed to move to the farm, she and Sarah would become friends. That was a gift to both of them and he often felt that anyone who endured him as a friend should be offered one of his better friends as a reward, or as a consolation. An angel should be selfless. A lover should desire only the happiness of his beloved. The fact that she would be further from him was nothing. The fact that he would miss her at every moment was less than nothing.

She dreamed of living on a farm and he could give her that dream. His dreams were unrealistic and selfish and would all be ended in a moment when Michael found a way through. Why reach for the stars, when your fate was to fall and fall and fall until there was nowhere left to go?

As they came around the corner of the barn, Dean was coming from the house. "You okay, Cas?" he said.

"Fine." said Cas.

"Great." said Dean and Cas could feel his disbelief.

"I think maybe we should wear the talismans." said Dean, "You don't want me in your head when you're talking to Jules."

Cas felt a moment of panic, then quickly quelled it, hoping Dean would not understand his fear. "No!" he said quickly, "I think we may need you. We may need the subtitles."

"You're sure? Because I don't want you to feel ... " Dean's voice trailed away and his mind said, "I'm trying not to interfere."

"I appreciate it." said Cas, "But I think I need both of you."

"Okay, then." said Dean, "Jules will be here very soon, so I'm gonna go in and be out of the way. Bring her in when you're both ready." In Cas's mind, he heard Dean say, "Don't do this stupid thing." Dean looked at Sam and said, "You should come in too."

"Yeah, in a second." said Sam. When Dean had gone, Sam said, "You're sure you don't want him to wear the talisman?"

"Sam, the talismans don't work."

"No, but the placebo effect ... "

"My ability to shield my thoughts from him through willpower is limited at the best of times. So far, I have failed every time to conceal thoughts and feelings related to Jules. He's going to pick up everything and if he's wearing the talisman when he does ... "

"He'll know they don't work."

"Exactly. I'm about to torpedo one of the most important relationships in my life. Don't expect me to tip my best friend into an abyss on the same day."

"If you know this will torpedo ... "

"Still the right thing to do." said Cas.

"You could move in here with her." said Sam.

"No, I really couldn't. I have responsibilities at the bunker."

"You mean to die when Michael attacks?"

"Thanks for your faith in my combat abilities." said Cas, "It really gives me confidence."

"I just want you to care about yourself a little." said Sam.

"Sam, I have embarked on a relationship with someone who deserves far better. I think that says a lot about my self-esteem."

"Yeah, it does, just not what you think it does."

Cas heard the sound of the jeep's engine. "She's coming." he said.

"Okay. I'll be in the house." Sam put a hand on his shoulder for a moment. "Remember, it's okay to want things for yourself. It's okay to fall in love. Consider other possibilities."

"I'm considering every possible possibility right now." said Cas, "Usually, you say I think too much."

Sam smiled uncertainly and went to the house. Cas went around to the front of the building and watched Jules drive up and park a respectful distance from the Impala. He walked over and opened the door for her.

"I've missed you." she said, getting out.

"I've only been gone two days." he said.

"I missed you in the first few minutes." she said, "It's fine. You don't have to miss me. It's different for angels, I know. You think in much larger slices of time. To me, two days without you feels like forever."

"I'm sorry." he said, "Dean needed me here."

"I know. I get it. I told you to come here. It's just good to see you again, even if you are about to tell me something I don't wanna hear." She kissed him.

"Before we get to the stuff you may not like," he said, "I need to tell you something."

"Go on."

"I need you to know that I did miss you. When you're not around, I hunger for your presence. I crave your closeness. You're in every thought, every hope. I think of you more often than I think of Heaven and thinking of Heaven is pretty much the main point of my existence, the thing for which I was created."

She took his hand and smiled.

"I don't know if it's blasphemy to love you or blasphemy not to, but I can no longer deny that I love you. I know I will never deserve you, but ... "

She put her hand over his mouth and said, "Stop at, 'I love you.' That's the part that matters." She moved her hand away.

"I do love you." he said, "I do."

They kissed again, slipping easily into each other's arms. He didn't feel awkward or self-conscious or confused, just safe and happy and devoted to his beautiful hunter.

Then, in his head, he heard music. The song was I'm a Believer and he knew where it came from before he saw Dean at the window. "Back off, Dean!" he said firmly in his mind.

"Sorry." came the reply, "Just thought the right soundtrack might help."

"Stop it." Cas said in his head. He looked at Jules. "Sorry. Dean is abusing the mind connection in order to interfere. He's playing music in my head. He means well."

"Can he hear what we're saying?" she said.

"He can pick up a lot of my thoughts and my stronger feelings, We're getting more control over it. I don't think he would intentionally listen in. He just wants to help. I have to let him, because if I asked him to wear the talisman and he still picked something up, he'd lose all faith in the talismans and his faith in them is letting him do amazing things right now."

"We probably need him anyway. You say you love me, but I feel like you're about to ditch me."

"I'm not." he said, "Everyone says that's how you'll take it, but I swear I'm not."

"I don't ask you for much, Cas, and that won't change, but I will ask one thing. Don't be the next person to decide I'm not worth the effort. It hurts every time, but nobody else who made that decision ever mattered to me like you do."

"People have done that?" he said.

"Yes, they have." she said.

"I never will." he promised, "I never could."

"Then whatever you say here, it's okay." she said.

"Are you ready to go in there with me?" he said.

"Maybe, maybe not. This isn't easy."

"No." he said.

"But you're worth the effort too. Let's face the relationship committee."