CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

(BPOV)

I could barely see as I hit the gas and tore off down the highway, my hands shaking and my heart pounding. I knew I was being irrational. That I should turn the car around and face him instead of running away, but the words he said made that feel impossible. They wouldn't stop playing through my head on repeat. Like a damn song I couldn't press the stop button on.

I had been through so much pain with this. Dealt with it for years and Jacob was trying to tell me that the doctors had been wrong? All of them? That after all this damn time, the truth of this whole thing could be staring me dead in the face back in La'Push.

That wasn't possible. How could that be the answer?

This diagnosis had all but ruled my life for years, forced me into one doctors office after another and what Jake was suggesting made me question my own damn sanity for even contemplating it to be true.

I had silently dreaded the very idea of him imprinting on someone for as long as I could remember because I knew it would tear apart whatever foundation we'd built in a matter of a few fleeting moments, but all along, it had been me. The irony of it could have been funny, if it wasn't so tragic, but it was.

My thoughts and fears came crashing into me when I soon parked behind Charlie's cruiser and saw Billy outside waiting on the porch for him, his knowing gaze looking out down the drive while he carefully wheeled himself forward. I pulled the keys from the ignition and got out, my steps quick when I headed for the house door.

"Bella?"

Billy's voice was quavering and the pained sound of it forced me to stop and glance down to him, his face awash with regret that touched his every aged feature.

"Jacob's not with me. He's home on the Reservation with Clarissa." I hurriedly offered up and side stepped him.

Charlie emerged then with his keys in hand, his eyes narrowing some when he took in my flustered expression.

"Hey, you're back earlier than I thought you'd be. What happened? Did Jake come with you?"

"No, he's home." I quietly replied.

Charlie picked up on the tension then and straightened the collar of his jacket while he looked between the two of us in bewilderment.

"Thought you said he needed you? That you had plans or-"

"Plans changed." I sighed, moving past him and closing the door behind me when I felt the heated tears cloud my vision. I headed up the stairs, taking them two at a time and nearly tripping on the last one when Charlie's voice called out to me from behind.

"Bella, wait. Hold on a minute."

I froze there on the top step, wiping the tears that steadily trailed down my cheeks with my fingertips before he could see them fall.

"I'm alright, dad. I'm sure you and Billy have plans. Didn't mean to interrupt them. I'll be here when you get back. See you later."

He approached me, his hand resting on my shoulder while he turned me around to face him.

"Kid, this feels a hell of a lot like something we went through before and I don't like that feeling. Not at all."

I immediately knew what he was referring to as I timidly met his alarmed gaze, seeing the plea there when he admitted this to me.

"This isn't the same thing. I'm not gonna run."

"Alright, then tell me what's going on?" He stubbornly persisted and I didn't have the heart to be angry with him for his concern right now.

Billy's booming baritone came from downstairs then and I saw the uncertain look Charlie wore from it.

"Say Chief, think it would be alright if I had a word with Bella before we head into town to catch that movie?"

"I don't see why not." Charlie hedged in return, his eyes searching mine before I followed him back downstairs with an immovable lump forming in my throat.

"Can you give us just a minute? I'll be right out, Charlie." Billy politely asked.

Charlie nodded to him and leerily started for the door, glancing back to us both once more before stepping outside.

I couldn't bring myself to look at Billy when he wheeled himself forward and began.

"Bella, I'm sure you've spoken with Jacob and there's nothing I can say that can justify what I did. Jacob is my son and I felt that I had no choice at the time. I know this doesn't excuse my ill thought out actions from the past, but I do owe you an explanation for them."

"I'm listening." I begrudgingly stated, feeling my tears drip as he hesitantly continued. I didn't bother to try and hide my emotion from him. Truth was, I wanted him to see how this had affected me. How much it hurt me to think that there was a possibility of Jacobs confession being true.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry for not telling Jacob the truth from the start. I'm sorry I kept it from him and more than that, I'm sorry that it caused you the kind of pain it has."

I looked to him with a sob building in my chest that I couldn't push down.

"So, what he said- what he just told me is- it-it's true? You found the loophole you needed with the help of the council and the elders, and you didn't bother to weigh out some of the risks before carrying on the removal of the imprint?"

Billy's dark eyes filled with his remorse as he nodded once to me in reply, the shame now etched clearly in every line on his face.

"Please, Bella. I don't expect you to forgive me but-"

"Forgive you? You don't expect me to forgive you? Billy you and Jacob are like family to me."

"What I did was wrong and both you and Jacob have every right to be angry with me. I deserve that."

"You did what you felt was right for him. He's your boy, Billy. I don't even know how to stay angry with you for trying to protect him from the pain you knew would come when I left for Maine."

He briefly fell silent at this and looked toward the door.

"I was foolish to think that if I kept close enough tabs on you through Charlie, I'd know you were doing okay in Maine. The whole damn thing was an idiot move on my part. My intentions may have been good, but the choices I made weren't mine to make. I took something into my hands that didn't belong there." He admitted.

I shook my head and heard Charlie start the cruiser outside, my voice small when I replied to him again.

"Charlie's waiting for you. The two of you should really get going so you don't miss the movie."

"Bella, I don't care about that-..."

"Please, Billy. Please go. I need a few minutes alone."

He nodded before hanging his head and wheeling himself out onto the front porch where Charlie was still waiting.

I held my breath until the door latched and the shadows from the cruisers bright headlights disappeared from the window, before I let out the cry I felt like I'd been holding in for the last ten years.

I sunk down to the kitchen floor, my stomach knotting as I let the sobs take hold until I had no more tears in me left to cry.

Darkness of the approaching night soon covered the house and I sat there with my back pressed roughly against the cupboards, the emptiness around me feeling so profound that I physically shuddered from it.

This was what I always did though. Retreated into myself when something too painful surfaced. It made me feel weak and like a coward and I loathed that feeling. It never solved a damn thing for me and often times, only made the situation worse in the end. I had left that part of myself behind a long time ago, or so I thought and I refused to go back to being the weak and feeble person I once was.

I slowly picked myself up, standing on unsteady legs and drew in a breath, my gaze going to the abandoned car keys I'd thrown on the table an hour ago.

This was not the person I was going to turn into again.

I rushed forward and snatched the keys up in my hand, my running steps only stopping long enough the zip up my coat before throwing open the house door and jogging to the car.

I stumbled in the dark, the keys falling to the ground when a husky voice called my name then.

"Bells-…"

I turned around to see him there, lingering behind me only a few feet, his face covered in the heavy shadows of the moonlights glow.

"I was on my way to you." I tearfully admitted to him, his bare russet chest rising and falling as he stared back at me wordlessly. "I shouldn't have left like that before. I'm sorry, Jake."

He looked like he was silently warring with himself, his hands visibly flexing at his sides while he stood there as his darkened gaze roamed over me.

"I'm sorry too, Bells."

"You're taking ownership for something you didn't fully know."

"It caused you pain that I can't erase or take back for you and I fucking hate that more than you'll ever know. I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose, Bells."

"I know." I softly replied. "Me leaving wasn't the answer. It wasn't the solution."

"You needed your space." He replied with an understanding I didn't feel I deserved.

"No, I don't want space from you. I've had enough of that to last me a damn lifetime." I confessed, wrapping my arms around myself for warmth as the bitterly cold breeze picked up around us.

Jacob held my stare and slowly closed the distance between us, his warm hands running up my arms when he reached out and drew me into him.

"I've had enough of it, too."

"I'm not running this time. I want to hear more about what you think the imprint has to do with my pain and what it means."

"I have a lot more to tell you and only a few more hours till I have to get Clarissa from Emily."

"Well, you have my full attention until then." I sighed into his warm chest, the comfort of his closeness washing over me while I stilled there in his arms.

We sat down on the sofa and I saw the nervousness in his gaze when he turned his head my way.

"If I'm right about the imprint factor in this, my hope is to find a way for it to heal you, honey. Before you leave for Maine again."

"You really think that's possible?"

"Yeah, I do." He sincerely replied. "I just don't know where the hell to start or how much time it will take."

"I don't hurt when you're close to me." I softly hedged, admitting what I knew he already could sense. "That has to mean something, right? Maybe we're putting too much worry and thought into this? Maybe the imprint knows what we need when we need it?"

"That's how it's supposed to be." Jacob sighed, as I turned myself further toward him and saw the hope clearly written on his handsome face. "I don't want you to hurt like that anymore."

"You're not wrong about our closeness having an impact. I get scared to put hope into things anymore. Its hard for me to think that it's really possible to be free from it after all this time. I'm sorry for dismissing you the way I did before. It was unfair."

"I know you thought you had to leave back then...-" He suddenly stated.

"I wanted you to be happy and you were. I wanted everything for you that I couldn't give you myself."

"We both screwed up. We let fear fuel our choices. I don't ever want to do that again, Bells. We gotta' start over and be honest from here on out."

"Agreed." I softly replied, placing my palm on his chest and stilling when I felt him shudder in response. I removed my hand but he caught it and laced our fingers tightly together as his cheek came to rest on the top of my head. "I can't tell you how sorry I am that my leaving made you feel like you weren't enough to keep me here. Nothing could have been further from the truth. You were enough. You were always enough."

"I assumed that being stuck here with me was the last thing you wanted for your life and I couldn't blame you for it, Bella. Your happiness meant everything to me. It still does. That's why I went along with the removal of it. It sure in hell wasn't what I truly wanted, believe me. I just wish I had known the real reason you left for Maine a long time ago."

"Can't change the past." I thoughtfully countered. "... and the life you had with Lillian made you happy and it gave you the irreplaceable gift of Clarissa. We can't think like that."

Jacob sat up from the couch, bringing me with him, his words strained with his reply.

"...but you've been alone with this. With something I believe could have been changed from the very beginning had our choices been different back then."

"It's okay."

"Stop saying that." He countered, tucking a warm hand under my chin and raising my head to look him in the face while he continued. "The only thing that kept me from going after you was the thought that you left because of what staying in Washington couldn't give you. Not the other way around."

"I know there's a lot to a person, to me and who I am, outside of children. It's only part of me, not all of me, but I never truly realized how much I wanted that until someone told me I couldn't have it. That it wasn't within my reach for the future. We were so young then. Just teenagers, Jake. I knew enough about the imprint to know how very important it was to carry on the gene-"

"It wouldn't have changed anything." He interjected.

"It would have and it did." I cautiously argued in return. "My biggest fear was that you'd live to regret being with me, or even resent me later on if I stayed. You and I both know where our friendship was headed and I wanted that until the doctor told me what she did."

"You were afraid, but I would have never turned away from you because of that. I would've grieved that with you and we would've grown together from it."

"I took that chance from you and I'm sorry."

"I guess we both have things to heal from." He replied, letting his hand fall from my face and pulling me back into his arms with a quavering sigh.

We sat there in contented silence for minutes on end, my mind filling with all the questions I still had for him but right now, there was only one thing I wanted to share. One thing I had to be honest with him about.

"I don't want to leave here next week."

Jacob tensed from this and I saw the undeniable plea reflected back at me in his piercing gaze when his eyes searched my own.

"We're turning over a new leaf, right? Being honest?" He whispered and I silently nodded to him. "I don't want you to go back either, honey. I want you close. I want you here in Washington."

We stared at each other, both of our mouths opening to say something more when the sound of Charlie's cruiser pulling into the yard brought our conversation to an abrupt end.

A/N: Thank you for reading. There will be another update very soon. Please review and thank you for all your thoughts on this story :-)