Chapter 81.

Sam opened the door as Cas and Jules reached it. "Come in, Jules." he said, "It's good to see you."

"Thanks, Sam." she said.

"I just wanna say, we feel as weird about us being involved in this as you do. I'm sorry about this whole thing."

"It's all fine." said Castiel, taking her into the parlour, where Dean and Sarah were waiting.

"This is a lovely place." said Jules to Sarah.

"I'm glad you like it." said Sarah, "Sit down, everybody."

Cas sat on the couch, Jules beside him. He took her hand and held it.

Sarah went on, "Jules, dear, Castiel has a suggestion which he wants you to consider. It will seem like he's trying to put some distance between you, but he assures us that is not the case."

"I think you should come and live here, with Sarah." he said, "You've always wanted to be on a farm and Sarah would love to have some chickens again, but needs some help taking care of them and you didn't want to leave Kansas but you do want to leave the bunker. This is in Kansas, but isn't the bunker." He felt her grip on his hand increase.

She looked at Sarah. "You're right. That sounds a lot like goodbye."

"Yes," said Sam, "But it isn't."

"Are you sure?" she said.

"Cas is sure." said Dean, "The thought of losing you terrifies him. If you could see the ice storm in his mind right now, you'd know that."

"Why don't you want me in the bunker?" she asked Cas.

"I do." he said.

"No." she said, "You want me to be here. I get that you need your space and I've tried to respect that, but that's a lot of space. If I'm making you feel trapped, just say so."

Cas knew the red hot pain lashed into Dean's mind with no warning. In return, Dean's mind cried out in his. Both of them slumped forward. Cas forced his own pain into submission and then focused on blocking the contact with Dean's mind.

"No," said Dean aloud, "Don't do that, you son of a bitch!"

Cas visualised iron shutters closing between them. He looked at Jules. "I'm sorry. They were right. This was a mistake."

"Good!" said Sam, "So everyone stays at the bunker, right?"

"Wrong." said Cas.

"Castiel ... " began Sarah.

"I've done enough harm." he said.

"You are ditching me." said Jules.

"No he isn't." said Sam.

"Yes." said Cas, "Not because I want to, but because you deserve better than this. I thought I could make it work if you were here. You'd be safe from Michael and Sarah would have company and you wouldn't go too far away. But you saw what I did to Dean. You know I am a bad friend. I would make a worse lover." He let go of her hand,

Dean raised his head. "Cas, this is panic. None of this is what you said to me."

"This is the realisation that there are things I cannot have." said Cas.

"I can help you calm down." said Dean, "Raise the damn shutters!"

"No. I hurt you."

"Nothing you have ever done has hurt me like you are hurting me now." said Dean.

Sarah patted Dean's knee. "Just give him a moment, Dean."

"He feels trapped." said Dean, "He's saying this stuff because he's scared."

"Yes." said Sarah. She smiled at Castiel. "Remember when I was going to sell the farm?"

"Yes." he said.

"You asked me not to."

"Yes."

"And I gave up the idea right away." she said.

"Yes."

"And later, when I thought about it, I knew you stopped me because you knew I was giving up. It was more about missing my son than not wanting the responsibility for this place."

"Yes." he said again. He remembered knowing that if he did not persuade her, she would be dead within a year.

"You're selling your farm, my dear and I must ask you not to."

Jules took his hand again. "We need to get you out of here for a minute." she said, "Where can we go?"

"Show her your room, dear." said Sarah.

"Perfect!" said Jules.

He took her upstairs and sat disconsolately on the bed. "I really didn't mean to hurt you, or to end what we had, whatever it was." he said.

"You said you love me." she said, "Is that true?"

"Yes. Not to blame you, in any way, but this would all have been a lot easier if you were less beautiful."

"Because you'd never have been attracted to me?"

"No, because I would have recognised the nature of the attraction a lot sooner. I fell in love with your soul, but for a while, I was confused, because my eyes were in love with your face."

She sat on the bed beside him. "Your head is full of this mess, isn't it?" she said.

"Not as much as it has been." he said, "I slept with Dean last night and that clarified a lot of things."

She froze, staring at him, then she smiled. "And by slept, you mean slept."

"Yes. That is the only meaning of sleep I know."

"Glad I cleared that up, because fighting Dean for you would not have made any of us happy."

"I don't understand." he said. Once again, a human had gone off on a tangent that made no sense and he wondered what flaw in his angelic mind made a simple conversation so confusing. "I'm very stupid, aren't I?"

"This is why you need me close, to counter all the negative stuff you think about yourself. Why did you want to send me away?"

"I don't, but there are a hundred good reasons for you to be here and the only reason for you to be at the bunker is that I want you with me."

"And that would be enough of a reason." she said.

"From here, you can run your team. You can have this room."

"What about you?" she said.

"I don't need a room." he said.

"This bed is big enough for two." she said.

"It is a big bed, yes." he said.

"We've already shown that we can share a room very comfortably." she said.

"I can't leave the bunker." he said, "Michael will come after Jack and Dean."

"And when Michael is defeated?"

"I'll be dead." said Cas.

"Is that your intention?"

"It's my assumption." he said.

"Is there any situation where you don't assume the worst?" she said.

"That's not the worst. The worst possible outcome is that everyone else dies and I live, alone, forever."

She gently removed his tie and threw it onto the pillow behind him. "I want to present an argument for sharing this room, at least sometimes." she said, gently pushing him back to lie on the bed.

"You have my full attention." he said.

She started to kiss him, light, soft kisses across his face. Whenever she found his lips, she stayed for more lingering kisses and he began to return the kisses, ever more ardently. "I want to be clear," she said, "This is communication, not distraction. Words don't seem to work."

"This works." he said. He rolled them both over and kissed her again. "I love you." he said. They kissed for some time and soon his human body started making plans of its own. He smiled at her and she smiled at him and for a moment, it seemed they might both want to take things further, but even as he kissed her again, he heard Dean's voice in his mind say, "Cas?"

He closed his eyes and sighed.

"What is it?" she said.

"Dean, back in my head." he said.

"Worst possible moment." she said.

"Only possible moment. As soon as I stopped concentrating on keeping him out."

"Are you saying we'll never ... "

"No! At least, I hope not. We need to work on closing the link at times when one of us needs his head to himself. We'll find a way."

"Cas, I'm feeling very insecure right now. I need you to find something to call me."

"What's wrong with Jules?"

"I mean some designation. Girlfriend, maybe?"

"That seems too belittling. You're a better hunter than I am. To compare you to a juvenile doesn't feel right."

"You're a feminist?"

"I don't think so. I just respect your maturity and skills."

"How about lover?" she said.

"Sounds good. Sounds wonderful. But could be called inaccurate."

She kissed him. "Premature, maybe. Not inaccurate."

He smiled. "Fine. We're lovers. Today has been an eventful one in our relationship."

"Next time you get scared, don't try to end it. Just talk to me."