Chapter Forty - Nine

Acceptatio est durissima 'Acceptance is the hardest'


October 5th 2000

11.36 am

The gentle autumn breeze and the promise of rain that once filled the sky a little over an hour ago had disappeared; all that remained was a sense of stillness. No air stirred the grass or the leaves, no clouds drifted in the seas of blue above, no water dripped or poured. Not a sound could be heard, neither close at hand nor far in the distance. An eerie tranquility surrounded Elizabeth as her sobs subsided and her senses became numb. Elizabeth closed her eyes and inhaled as she picked up a random letter;

July 26th 1989

Dearest Elizabeth,

How are you? You won't know this but over the last three months of my tour I've written you countless of letters and unfortunately I've never sent them, don't ask me why because I don't know why but nevertheless here I am, sat in the blazing heat writing you another. Perhaps this is the letter I will send.

Things have gotten pretty tough out here the last few weeks, I've seen some horrific things and every time I head back to base all I think about it you; you're the only thing that seems to give me clarity from a chaotic mind. I miss you… I don't know what else to say, my heart aches for you, my head is full of you and I can't be anywhere near you. This is what happens, I have all these things I want to say and express to you so I get a pen and paper but the words don't come out.

Maybe this isn't the ideal letter to send but,

I love you Elizabeth Adams,

All my love

Always

Henry McCord

Elizabeth sighed as she placed the letter down; a mixture of emotions stirring up inside her unsure which emotion to focus on; perhaps the love behind the letters? But then their was Thomas…maybe the frustration that he never sent them…. Or the anger that he has given them to her now…

She ran her hands over all the letters, some were a few sentences and some were pages long. Elizabeths eyes scanned through them all as she placed them all neatly in a pile back in the box, leaving one letter out in the centre of her desk. She scrunched up her face and chewed at her lip as she contemplated reading this letter. Letter Sixty seven, the last one he had written and the only one enveloped yet never posted…

*Ring*Ring*. *Ring*Ring*

She groaned aloud and cursed as she diverted her attention away from the letter and to her mobile. Her mood softened a little as she seen Blake's name flash across her screen

'Good Morning Madam secretary, sorry to disturb you on your day off, it's just well…we have a situation' As Blake began to reel off the concerns of an on-going situation the staff were caught up in Elizabeth stood from her office desk and walked to the kitchen. She paced back and forth for several minutes whilst guiding Blake through the next steps. Elizabeth could have and normally would have gone into work; something was stopping her and she knew it was the contents of that letter. She needed to know…

'Blake, before you go can you do me a favour please?' She bit her lip nervously wondering if what she was about to do was the right thing.

'Can you get me details on Henry McCord please, address, contact details that sort of thing' she paused, the stillness creeping into the house hold as she waited to hear Blakes voice.

'Of Course, discreetly I presume'

'Yes please Blake, can you have it sent over to me soon?'

'I am on it now….Ma'am permission to be frank?' He requested anxiously

'Denied Blake, I do not need a lecture, not today, and you're still not forgiven for giving Dr McCord permission to come to my office without my consent!'

'Yes Ma'am…Maybe another time' he replied softly and she smiled down the phone. Elizabeth was very fond of Blake, they had a friendship underneath the professionalism and she knew he had put two and two together in regards to her and Henry; she just didn't want to hear it, not today at least as she needed to make sense of her own thoughts first.

'Maybe' she smiled 'Goodbye Blake' she hung up the phone and placed it on her kitchen work top. Her eyes instantly fixating on her office door and that one letter. She gripped the work top and inhaled sharply, her shoulders rising up and her posture standing to attention as she contemplated reading it. Her fingers tapped rhythmically against the marble top as her thoughts swirled around, gathering momentum like a tornado, until she cracked; she couldn't take it anymore. She had to read that letter…

April 2nd 1989

Dearest Elizabeth,

I don't want to write this letter; not this kind of letter anyway, but our captain says its always a kind thing to do, to give to our loved ones and well I instantly thought of you. So, here It is, my 'Just in case' letter…

Firstly if you're reading this it can only mean one thing has happened and that I am no longer here. If that's the case then I think the kindest thing I can do with this letter is to try and provide you some closure, clarity and maybe some light during a dark time.

I don't know when this letter will be sent to you, hopefully you won't ever have to read it but I cannot be ignorant to the possibility that you might. As it stands with us; I've messed up, big time. I left just yesterday for this tour and part of me wishes I never did. I wish I stayed and fought the war that is on-going between you and I. Maybe referring to it as a war isn't the best terminology but that's how it feels; yet I backed out of the battle and I shouldn't have. Please know that I regret my decision to lie to you.

I plan to write to you and express how sorry I am, confess the depths of my love to you in the hope that you will write back; if that has happened or is happening please know just how happy that would have made me, and know that I would have died a very happy man simply because I had you back in my life. I visualised our future you know… Married, three kids, two girls and one boy, the girls would have your beauty and grace, they would be the kindest of humans. The boy would look just like me but deep down be his mothers little boy, soft and sweet natured that he tries to hide at times, but I know I would have enjoyed teaching them all, watching them grow and seeing you as a mother.

I can imagine our busy lives, and all the chaos but we would make it work, I have this deep rooted faith that we will always work things out; I hope we have managed to work things out before you have to read this letter, I don't actually know what is worse, to receive this when were fighting and apart like now, or to receive it in the future when we've made a family and a home together.

I know going to bed at night with the heavy news of my passing will seem like an unthinkable thought to you; but please do that, go to bed and get some rest Elizabeth, you're going to need all the strength, I know you and I know how much the death of a loved one scares you, but know that I will keep a watchful eye and keep you safe, I don't know where my saints will take me but if your family is close by, I'll give them a hug from you.

Incase I don't return home; and I am not there to wake up with you anymore, just incase I am not able to tell you how much I admire and appreciate you ever again, incase I don't get to tell you face to face that your integrity and determination are things you should never lose grip of. Or incase I do not get to make you laugh again or hear your voice or hold you close, just incase the vision of our future doesn't get to come true because I am no longer around, well this is why I am sending this last letter to you. Just in case.

Please know that I love you, and I always will love you Elizabeth Adams (hopefully one day McCord). You are everything to me and in the depths of beyond I will never stop loving you.

You have my heart for eternity.

I love you Elizabeth Adams,

All my love

Always

Henry McCord

Elizabeth sunk into her chair; her mouth ran dry as her heart sat in her throat. She stared at the ink on the paper before her, the writing slowly blurring as her body ran cold. She retracted her hands from the letter and held them above her head, her fists clenching into balls as the tornado of emotions ripped through the stillness of the day….