Chapter 82.

"Damn it!" said Dean.

Sam looked up. "What?"

"Almost had it then, but he blocked me again." said Dean.

Sam thought about pointing out that he had kept saying he wanted it stopped, but he didn't.

Instead, Sarah said, "Don't try to re-establish it now, Dean. He has good reason not to want you in his head right now."

"We need someone up there with him." said Dean.

"We have someone. Her name is Jules and she has a much better chance of calming his fears than we do, especially if we're feeling threatened and angry and hurt."

"I'm not feeling any of those things." said Dean in his, "Yes, I'm lying, but if I say it loudly enough, you won't dare argue" voice.

"Would you like to do some shopping for me?" Sarah asked. Sam was surprised by the question and almost as surprised by the way it seemed to immediately soothe his brother.

"I'd love to." said Dean, "Write me a list."

Sarah picked up a small notepad and pen from the table in front of her and started to write.

"You need any help?" said Sam.

"No." said Dean, "You stay here, with Sarah." He took the list Sarah offered him.

"Who's babysitting who?" said Sam.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're both babysitting Cas. Is that okay with you?" said Dean.

"Yeah, of course." said Sam.

"So stay with Sarah. Talk and stuff. I won't be long." He glanced at the ceiling, frowning uncertainly.

"He'll be fine." said Sarah, "You go." When he reached the door, she added, "Drive carefully."

"Yes, Mom." he said, but his smile was not a mocking one.

When Dean had gone, Sam said, "Well, he was subtle."

"Don't be upset that he worries about you, His childhood trained him that way and he doesn't know how to stop. And if you're honest, it's not like you don't give him good reason."

"I guess. I wish he didn't worry so much. I want a day to come when he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself."

"I don't think he'd want that, however much we might want it for him." she said, "You should take the lack of subtlety as a compliment. Like me, he has discovered that you don't fall for the subtle stuff, so sometimes he doesn't bother trying."

"Is he okay? I mean, is there something I should know?"

"He's good. If he seems on edge, it's because he's working through a lot of stuff that goes right to the heart, right to that little kid who never felt loved or heard. It's like that little boy is slowly finding his way home and it's not an easy road, but it will all be worth it."

"That sounds good to me." said Sam.

"And now that he's getting so close, I need to make sure his little brother gets home too."

"His little brother is just fine." said Sam.

"His little brother has been far from fine for almost as long as he has."

Sam smiled. "When you took on three new sons, I bet you didn't know you were taking on the three most dysfunctional men on the planet."

"I never think of you that way." she said, "You boys have all been very good to me. Yes, you have some baggage, but so do I. You have off days and bad coping strategies and it's sometimes hard to get a straight answer out of any of you, but I wouldn't trade any of you for an easier option."

"I do see what you mean about juggling eggs." he said, "Dean and Cas do seem pretty fragile."

"And you're trying so hard not to." she said, "Because you don't want to be a burden or have anybody worrying over you. It's noble and it's brave, my dear, but so unnecessary. You could never be a burden to me and I need to help you. I need to see how tall you can be when that terrible weight is lifted off your shoulders."

"I'm okay." he said, "Really. I'm fine."

"As fine as Castiel? As fine as Dean?"

"I'll admit, I have issues. I always will have issues. Mine can't be fixed. They're part of me, of who I am, of what I've done. Sometimes they hurt, but I can live with the pain. It's like a war wound."

"That' exactly what it is." she said, "And I spent many years helping people to heal from the psychological and emotional wounds caused by war."

"Well, maybe, when all this is over, we can talk about that. For now, too many people rely on me. They need me thinking of them, not myself."

"Have you ever done anything for yourself?"

"You should ask Dean about that." said Sam, "He can be pretty eloquent on the subject."

"Dean says things when he's angry that he would never otherwise say." she said.

"Are you going to claim he doesn't mean them?" said Sam.

"I wish you could hear what he says about you behind your back. The Sam your brother sees is not selfish at all. Don't listen to his angry words. Look at the love he has shown you your whole life. Dean doesn't love lightly and those he loves are very special people."

"I wish I could be more worthy of his love. The things he has done for me ... I didn't deserve any of them."

"His whole life is loving you." she said, "And in the darkest moments, that was the only light he had."