We are living through a terrible time, and I sincerely hope that you, my dearest readers, and your families are safe and well. All my love and prayers to Italy, my ancestral home, and all who are impacted. I am inspired by your courage in the face of danger. The virus is in my immediate area as well, and nurse friends are being drafted to work at hospitals. It's here among those I love, but we will get through this together! Since my school is out, I'm taking this time to catch up with my writing in hopes to offer the smallest encouragement with a funny (I hope!) chapter. So fair warning to those of you who have not yet studied biology, taken a teen-aged health class, or had the birds and bees talk from Mom, Dad, or other responsible party. It won't be graphic, but it will be informative!

Update 3/25. Based on a reader's sharp eye and memory, I changed a section of the story.


"While we're on the subject," I said, "say two people are in love and married. What do they do together? I mean, what happens between married couples? I know that babies come from marriage, but how does it work—exactly?" Squeals at last. Loud and long.

"You didn't just ask us that!" Sella nearly yelled. "I can't believe you just asked us that!" I didn't know why, but somehow it mattered. If I was in love, I deserved to know all the particulars. It seemed reasonable enough to me. They didn't agree. Sella rattled on until Mebla stopped her.

"What you're asking is generally discussed before a maiden is wed, Areen," Mebla said. She sounded apologetic.

"Too late," I muttered.

"Mother died when I was young," Mebla continued, "so I have no knowledge, and Sella's an orphan."

"Yeah, and my mother was too busy dodging blows to tell me anything."

We stood there in awkward silence, no doubt in equal parts awkward and angry. At least I was. We were deprived in more ways than one, although I never thought I'd list an utter lack of knowledge in this area as a problem.

"So, we aren't the right people to ask," Mebla said," but Erebor is large. I'm sure that someone can help you out."

I nodded. She was right. In this we were the blind leading the blind. I needed to talk to someone in the know. Now who would that be? I started making a list. Before the day was done, I would have my answers. The only thing I needed to figure out was who to ask first.

"Be sure to tell all," Sella said. "I want every last detail." Mebla seconded.

I told them that I would as soon as I could. Now I had to find someone who would tell me what I wanted to know.


Although I felt slightly foolish, I headed to where I was told Lord Vinn would be. As my surrogate father and a father in fact, he'd be able to tell me about the intimate details of wedlock with a minimum of fuss and zero judgment, and I needed both. Once a question lodged in my brain, I had to find the answer, and this was a very big question. Besides, some deep drive made knowing the answer even more urgent. Maybe knowing the answer would help me figure out what I was feeling. I didn't know how exactly, but I hoped it would at least. Otha and Kitra, who were with me, had nothing to add to the subject but like my friends wanted every detail. I kept my confusion about Thorin to myself.

"There needs to be classes about this stuff," I said while we walked. Sky trotted comfortably by my side. "How come we don't know anything?" Otha and Kitra trilled a series of giggles.

"Because we're maidens, my lady," Otha said finally.

"What's that got to do with anything? How come our menfolk have all the answers?" Kitra scoffed and mumbled something to Otha, but I was too distracted to catch it.

"What did you say?"

"I said maybe you've found your calling as Noble Consort, my lady."

"Very funny, and are you both going to keep calling me my lady in public?"

"Yes, my lady," they chimed, trying for innocence but failing miserably.

I muttered under my breath, saying something about needing illustrations for classes on the subject, when Otha and Kitra burst into loud, gasping laughter.

"I bet that would be a popular lecture!"

"I don't think Erebor has enough chairs!"

I tossed a stink eye in their direction, but it didn't stop the giggles. They had barely reached self-control when I heard Uncle Vinn's voice down a hall.

"Now no listening in!" I said sternly. They groused about me being a spoilsport but then moved off to a respectful distance. Sky led me forward, and I heard Uncle Vinn and others talking about provisions for the journey home. I gasped, and the talking stopped.

"You're not leaving so soon, Uncle Vinn? He sighed, and I knew then that it had already been decided. "Has something happened?"

"Not as such," he said, "but we must return as soon as may be to support and protect your mother. She has few to turn to and with Lord Torfrin gone, well..." He trailed off with an apologetic tone, but he was right, and as much as I wanted them to stay, I knew that Mother needed them more.

"When?"

"Tomorrow. We need the time to supply. King Thorin's been kind enough to send us off with armed escort, and they will remain until Queen Nyr's position is secure."

"I see." At least I'd have time to savor a few moments more and say goodbye properly. Oh! My question! Only now it seemed ridiculous to ask him when he had so much on his mind.

"Do you need something, my dear?" Beyond ridiculous.

"No, no, Uncle Vinn. I don't want to interrupt your plans."

"Are you sure, Areen?"

"Very, Uncle. Please save some time for me."

"Of course, my child, of course. The king has ordered a proper send-off. He was looking for you earlier so you wouldn't be surprised, but I see that he didn't find you."

"No, he didn't, but I understand, and I'm grateful for his generosity."

"Of course."

Well, one down. Who next? Della! Of course. I felt better at once. Actually, I should have asked her first. She was a mother and would give me the inside scoop of the "delicate mysteries of being a wife." Well, that was how Sella put it.

"Off to Della's chambers," I said with an imperious wave of my hand. Otha and Kitra smothered their snickers and led me on. Who should waylay us then but Thorin himself? Mahal! It was too embarrassing, and suddenly I felt like I had run 10 miles with boulders in my pockets. My heart thumped so hard it hurt, and I couldn't speak. Instead I burbled. No, it couldn't get any worse.

I had heard burbling countless times at home when countless good dwarves fell afoul of Father. Hauled up before him and subjected to angry tirades and threats of unspeakable punishments, they burbled their responses, poor souls rendered witless by the spite that spewed out of Father's mouth. Burble trumped spew, but I had always hated the sound of my people reduced to manic mumblings. No one should ever be reduced to burbling. I straightened my spine and prepare to greet him with a smile when his first sentence rendered me dumb.

"Hello, my dear. How is your day going? I look forward to spending time with you later." His voice wound around me, and I nearly drooled in response. A quick wipe of the mouth saved me just before I puddled on the freshly waxed floor. Otha and Kitra sighed ever so slightly, but I heard them. No doubt he looked as handsome as always. It was almost irritating.

"Uh, I am looking forward to it as well. So, uh, how's your day going?"

"Better now that I've seen you. I had wanted to tell you first about your friends leaving, but Vinn informed me that he had informed you." Good grief! He needed to stop. "Where are you off to?"

"I'm going to visit Della."

"I'm afraid she's not available." He answered my noise of concern. "Nothing's wrong. She just needs some rest. Frerin is still an energetic lad."

"Oh." I must have shown my disappointment because he came closer and cupped my cheek.

"You look distressed. Is there something I can do for you, Areen?"

No! Absolutely not! A few more burbles slipped out before I got ahold of myself. I fixed a bright smile on my face.

"Not at all. Actually, I'm getting hungry and think I'll stop by the feasting hall and get a bite." He chuckled.

"I'd join you, but I'm on my way to a council meeting." He leaned in then and kissed my temple. "It won't take long. I'll see you after." I couldn't help smiling.

"Please." I listened until I couldn't hear his footsteps any longer. So now what? I needed a good munch, but the question was growing bigger in my head. It was so silly. It wasn't like I needed an answer that minute, but it felt like I did. Curiosity had teamed up with Flutterings—was that even an emotion?—and pushed against my shoulders, propelling me forward. Thankfully though Hunger got the last word and said that any emotional endeavor was better served after a good nosh. Quite right.

"Why do I think that Mahal doesn't want me to know the answer?"

"Maybe because we're maidens?" Kitra offered.

"I don't buy that," I said. "Our menfolk seem to be in on some great conspiracy. Most aren't wed, so aren't they the equivalent of maidens? Something's up, I tell you." Now Indignation was having its say. It was almost like I was striking a blow for female freedom of information, and wasn't that my job as Noble Consort? To serve the women of Erebor? This didn't have to be a personal question. Not when so many lingered in ignorance. In fact, it was probably my duty to know. Flutterings was drowned out in chorus of rational approval.

Laughter resounded in the feasting hall, and with a lift of my head I marched in. I distinguished the voices of some of the company, and sausages, bacon, and various sweet pastries awaited. Before I could utter a word, Dori jumped up from his seat with an offer to fill my plate.

"Slif has added sour cream and chives to his potato pancakes, Areen. Thorin also ordered for saffron chicken for today. I'll make you up a plate. Ale?"

"Please, and thank you, Dori. You take such good care of my stomach."

"Anything for you, lass."

I hoped so. I wasn't going to say anything until I'd eaten my fill. Otha and Kitra had left me by the door, so I was on my own, but the rich fare was fortifying. Besides, this was now an academic question, so I should have no concern posing it to anyone. After much banter, and the patting of stomachs all around, the dwarves lit their pipes. I wiggled in my chair and prepared my question.

"Cat got your tongue, lass?" Balin asked. "You seem to have something weighty on your mind." I nodded, wiped my mouth, put the napkin on the table, and turned to face the voices and puffings of pipes.

"I do, aye. I feel that the maidens of Erebor are missing some information that our menfolk seem to have."

"And what would that be?" Bofur asked. I lifted my chin and squared my shoulders.

"How are babies made?" There was a sudden silence, dead and buried, six-feet-under silence, before an explosion of activity.

"Things to do! Things to do!"

"Got to go!"

"Am I late for a council meeting?"

"Just remembered, ah, just remembered ..."

"Can't keep'em waiting!"

And on and on went the clutch of voices combined with a herd of feet bustling out the door. It slammed with a bang, and I was left alone, or at least I thought I was until I heard a drag on a pipe.


Dwalin cocked his head and surveyed his Noble Consort with her raised chin and almost childlike bravado. It was laughable, but he wouldn't shame her for the world. Someone must have put her up to this. Who it was he couldn't imagine, but she was obviously desperate to come to them for an answer.

"There's no one else to answer your question, lass?"

"No one's available. I tried Lord Vinn and Della."

"Any of the other womenfolk then?"

"I don't know them well enough."

"Your friends then, aye?" Her lips pursed, and she shook her head.

"Surprisingly or maybe not, maidens are ignorant of such matters."

"Couldn't it wait until Della can see you?"

She shifted in her chair like she was settling in for a fight. "No, it can't."

"Who asked this of you?" His first clue that he'd asked the wrong question was a deep flush that colored her cheeks, neck, and chest. She bowed her head and fidgeted, wringing her hands. Maybe he was wrong, but he was almost sure that he detected flutterings.

"No one," she said finally. "I just need to know."

One brow rose as he observed her unease and nervous shifting. Few were the reasons why she needed to know such specific information so soon after her marriage, but one rose above all others, and a slow smile tugged at one side of his mouth. He had more courage than those cowards who nearly fell over each other out the door, but even he had felt his scalp prickle with sweat. Even so, he'd faced down orcs and worse, so what's a couple of answers to basic questions? He cast around for a suitable way to start and hit on what he thought would be a simple analogy.

"Very well. No doubt you've seen stallions and mares mating?"

"Sorry, no." The other brow matched its twin.

"Any farm animals mating?"

"Yes, I suppose. I saw animals doing something that I was told was mating, but it was hard to see what exactly was going on. They seemed to be fighting, actually."

"Oh, aye, well, not really." Dwalin harrumphed and scratched his head with his pipe-stem. Things had just gotten a lot harder. "Now, um, you've seen dwarfling men, uh, young? Babes, I mean?" His scalp prickled a little more. He didn't know what he'd do if she said no.

"Oh, yes, I have! I remember now!" Dwalin let out an audible exhale and slumped in his chair. He took a moment to take the deepest drag on his pipe and enjoy its taste before flinging himself headlong into the maelstrom.

"So, you recognize that males and females have differences?" She nodded, her brows knitted with confusion. "Aye, well, those differences grow as all parts of us do."

"Yes." She moved to the edge of her seat and opened her eyes wide, waiting like cat for a mouse to appear.

"Well, now, er, you know, erm, the place where your courses come from?" She rolled her eyes, and he braced himself against a wave of maidenly disgust.

"Of course, Dwalin! I'm not an idiot!" Here it comes, he thought.

"Aye, well, the difference of men fits into the place where your courses come from."

Dwalin winced and watched out of one eye as she puzzled out his words. He knew the moment she hit on the truth because she bolted up straight in her chair, and her upper lip almost curled in on itself.

"GROSS! How can you say that! That's not very nice to tease me like that! I am serious."

"So am I." Dwalin watched as she parsed through the facts, stopping now and again to shake her head in internal debate.

"No, surely, that isn't the way that ..." She stopped and wrinkled her nose. "It is, isn't it? The two must come together somehow, right? And there aren't any other body parts to make that happen, are there?" Dwalin noted how she asked so plaintively, hoping that there was some other way.

"No."

"I see. I guess that's what those animals were doing then." She cocked her head and squinted while she worked through her horror, but then her hand flew to her mouth. She tried to ask something else, but her eyes filled with tears, and the questions, when they came, nearly broke his heart.

"That's what Lord Boron was going to do, wasn't he? Oh, Dwalin, how can we bear it? Is that why there's so few of us?"

"Oh, lass!" He stood and pulled her up out of her chair where she sat crying with her hands over her face. "Come, let's sit together." He led her to a padded bench and sat her down as he would a child. "There, there, now think on it, Areen. Would Mahal have made the making children a terrible thing when he loves us so? No. That's why it's called 'making love.'"

"It is?"

"Aye! And I'm told that it's the most pleasurable feeling a body can feel."

"I don't know, Dwalin. Carrot cake with cream-cheese frosting sounds better to me."

"That's because it's only supposed to happen between a husband and his wife, and there's no more wondrous thing than giving the most private part of yourself to him who's giving you the same. The two become one, and it bonds you forever!" She shuddered before nodding.

"I guess I see that. So how come you know so much about this? How come it seems like every dwarf, wed or not, knows more than any of us?"

Dwalin turned bright red, but they had raced down the rapids to this point, and he wouldn't dump her in the white water now.

"Erm, the bodies of the menfolk prepare for this event a little sooner, erm, sometimes a lot sooner than our goodly womenfolk, and er, naturally, the lads ask for advice on what to do when their bodies are ready before, erm, their hearts are."

"Who did you talk to?"

"Me Da."

"Oh, so ready in what way?" Sweat began to roll down Dwalin's neck, and he tugged on his collar.

"I think that's off the topic of your original question, aye?" She nodded and looked over with a shy smile.

"Thank you, Dwalin. You didn't have to do this, but I'm very grateful. I can tell that this was hard for you."

"Not at all," he said as he mopped his face and neck with a napkin. "But that's as far as I go."

"So, it feels good when the husband and wife love each other?"

"Me Da says it's the greatest gift of Mahal and one of the best things about being wed in many ways. Now that you've asked your questions. I have one of my own, and I'll have your solemn promise to answer."

"I promise."

"Why do you really want to know?"


I hope that I provided a moment of cheer, dearest readers! Keep yourself and your families safe, and please obey all precautions. You may not think it will matter much to you, but regrets will be many if you accidentally give it to one you love.