Chapter 83.
Cas kissed Jules tenderly and said, "You are so beautiful."
"Cas, I'm a four or five at best. You're a ten on a bad day."
"I may be able to cure the imperfection in your vision." he said, "My own eyes are perfect."
She smiled up at him. "Yes, they are."
He smiled back. "Don't do that smile thing. It's hard to resist."
"Why resist?" she said. She undid a button of his shirt. Lose the coat, shed the shirt ... "
"I wish I could." he said, his hand gently stopping hers from undoing the next button, "But if I don't concentrate on keeping the link closed, Dean will catch what I'm feeling."
She stroked his neck. "We need to find a way to turn the link off." she said, "I don't want an audience either, but this stinks."
"Yes, it does." he said. He flopped down beside her and looked at the ceiling. "You know, Dean can only pick up my thoughts and emotions. He can't see or feel yours. We can't do anything that might make me feel unduly good, but I could stimulate the pleasure centres in your brain and give you intense pleasure any time."
"That's the strangest offer I've ever had," she said, "And it's tempting, but I think I'd prefer the old-fashioned way."
"My way is actually older." he said, "We angels have been around a long time."
"You know what I mean." she said, "We'll wait until Dean isn't riding shotgun in your head."
"Maybe Rowena can find some way to switch the link off."
Jules looked worried. "I know she's been useful, but I don't think I'd let her get too involved with my mind. She's morally ambivalent, to say the least."
"Yes, she is and I wouldn't trust her lightly, but this situation frustrates me."
"I know. It frustrates me too. You've been blocking the link for some time to make Dean think the talismans work. Isn't it possible to just keep doing that?"
"No, because, every time I failed, it was because my feelings for you were involved. I can control my normal thoughts and feelings with ease, but the intensity of my feelings for you will brook no interference. We kiss and my mind is a neon sign, shouting your name in light."
"I love it when you say things like that." she said, "Could you knock Dean out? I mean, with his consent, obviously. I'm sure he doesn't want to eavesdrop."
"He hates me doing that and it wouldn't work. The link still works when he's asleep. That's how he enabled me to sleep last night."
She looked at him for a long time and he wondered what her expression meant. She seemed uneasy and awkward and that was usually his thing. Finally, she said, "Human minds are pretty much yours to play with, aren't they? I mean, angels in general, not just you. Just how far do your powers extend?"
"I haven't found their limits." he said, "I can edit your memory, change your thoughts, force information from you, put you to sleep, knock you unconscious or kill you, pretty much as I like."
"That got a lot darker a lot quicker than I was hoping." she said.
"I wish I didn't have those powers." he said.
"And you'd never use them?" she prompted.
He sat up, knowing that his answer could not be the one she wanted, from the Castiel she thought she knew. "I have." he said, "And I have used them in ways that fill me with shame. I have done unspeakable things. I have committed terrible wrongs."
"By choice?"
"It never seemed so at the time, but there is always a choice." he said.
She sat up and gently pushed him back down. "I've done some messed up things too. We all have. Don't think about the bad stuff. It could hurt Dean and it can't be good for you."
"Doesn't it bother you?" he said.
"Some of it scares me," she said, leaning over to stroke his hair with gentle fingers, "But I look in your eyes and I see nothing but good. Whatever you did, you felt you had to do. I'm not about to beat you up about it."
"When you get back to the bunker, ask for some angel-killing bullets. Make sure you always have a couple with you. I wish I could promise never to be a threat to you, but I can't. What I can do is say that if you need to put me down, you should do it without a second thought."
"This is suicidal thinking." she said.
"This is being realistic." he said.
"I could never kill you."
"That may change. You may have to." he said, "Heaven can control me and I have proven very easy to corrupt and manipulate. At all times, in all things, protect yourself. That's what this Castiel, the real, untainted Castiel, who loves you, truly wants. If you must strike me down to be safe, do it."
"No." she said, "That's too high a price for my safety."
"I have never used my powers against you. I have never altered your thoughts. It is not my intention ever to do so." he said, "But my intentions have failed before. I am flawed."
"No, you're not." she said, "You have the purest heart of anyone I know. I trust you."
"So does Dean, though he knows better." said Cas.
