Chapter 87.

Dean joined Cas at Meg's hive. Cas was running his hands around the roof of the hive and the bees were beginning to gather around him.

"Cas," he said, "Can we talk for a minute?"

"I'm sorry." said Cas, turning to face him.

"You have nothing to apologise for. I, on the other hand ... The stuff I said this morning was ... "

"You said I was hurting you. That was the truth. You said I was hurting you more than anything I'd ever done."

"Yeah and that wasn't true." said Dean, "I was scared."

"You were angry and you had a right to be."

"No, I sounded angry. I was scared. You were in distress, ready to wreck everything with Jules and I couldn't stop you or help you to think clearly. In fact, I was just making things worse."

"I hurt you. That blast from my mind to yours ... " said Cas.

"Sarah doesn't think guilt is helpful in situations like this. You know what? I think she's right. Let's get away from the bees and talk about this properly. I can go grab the talismans if you like. I don't think you should be without their protection right now."

"No." said Cas, "There's no need for them."

"Or you could reopen the link and we could do this at Bobby's."

"We can talk by the creek." said Cas.

Dean shrugged and they walked together to the trees by the creek. They both sat on the bank, watching the water flow over small stones. Dean looked up from contemplating the water and Cas reluctantly met his gaze.

"This thing we have," said Dean, "It should make this stuff easier. We should be able to talk about anything, with no holding back, no half-truths, no fear. It should be easy, right?"

Cas said nothing.

"Yeah, right, we both know that's a bunch of crap. That level of honesty, it's not sustainable. We both need to be able to back away into our corners. We need to lie and distract and deny. We've faced demons together and the one thing we truly fear is an honest conversation."

"True." said Cas.

"But we need to have one now, because the things I said were just said in the heat of the moment. It hurt me that you shut me out, but other stuff has hurt me worse. I said I'd choose my words more carefully around you. Well, that didn't last long, did it? But it was pure panic. I wanted you to let me in, to let me help you. You were in a tailspin and I knew I could get you to calm down if you would let me try."

"I'm sorry." said Cas, "Without the protection of the talismans, without any warning, my mind attacked yours."

"No." said Dean, "Your mind lashed out in pain. It wasn't aimed at me. It wasn't intentional, even on some unconscious level. I just happened to be able to receive what your mind threw out."

"The pain was still real." said Cas.

"Pain is not a problem for me. You think that little flash of it damaged me? It didn't. It gave me a headache, but what hurt was those shutters closing, your mind shutting me out. I needed to help and you pushed me away and it felt like exile."

"Do you still have it?" said Cas.

"What?" said Dean.

"The headache." said Cas.

"Yeah. I can't get rid of it."

"I can." said Cas. He reached out and touched Dean's head and the pain and tension disappeared.

Dean looked at the water again, running by, a quicksilver stream of days, gone before they could be counted, passing over every obstacle, a little white foam rippling across the ones that tore the surface, others making less visible swirls and eddies. Time passed for Winchesters, as swiftly as for everyone else. They just had fewer inactive moments in which to stop and keep count.

Maybe this was one of those moments. Maybe it mattered that he noticed the bond that went deeper than the link. Maybe, this time, he shouldn't let it go unsaid. "Cas," he said, "How many times have you healed me now?"

"Were we supposed to be keeping score?" said Cas.

"You're always there when I need you." said Dean, "I guess that's why it hurt so much when you wouldn't let me be there for you."

"You don't need the link to be there for me." said Cas, "You also don't need to be physically present. You're the rock on which I stand. My mind reaches out to you in pain as it used to cry out to my father. I hurt you today because I needed you."

"Then I failed you."

"No, you have never done that." said Cas.

"Tell me Jules did what I couldn't."

"Well, you could have kissed me too, but it wouldn't have been as much fun."

"I mean tell me she pulled you out of that panic and let you think straight."

Cas stood up and walked a short distance away. Without consciously planning it, Dean mentally shouted, "Stay!"

Cas froze and turned around, but the shutters didn't slam down again. "Not running." his mind whispered, "Just trying to tread the edges without falling."

"Scares me too." said Dean aloud.

"I know." said Cas, his mind adding, "Protecting you more than myself."

"You and Jules are okay, despite the lack of support from me?"

Cas came back and sat down. "You want honesty? Let's talk about why I was able to even think of being with Jules. The angel I was, before I met you, would never have dared to think of her that way, to touch her, to look at her. He didn't have enough of a self to seek anything for himself. He existed to serve."

"His life was much simpler then." said Dean.

"He had no life and desired none. He saw emotion as dangerous."

"It is. Believe me, it is. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool."

"Yes, it is, but worth it. Worth everything but the pain it causes you."

"Don't use that as an excuse to back away from me or from Jules."

"I wasn't backing away from you. I was trying not to hurt you. I was, just a little, backing away from Jules, but she stopped me. She made me see that we have to try this. Maybe it can work. Maybe I see things as hopeless because I'm accustomed to despair. And maybe, even if it fails, trying will have mattered to both of us."

"Things that don't work out can still be pretty great." said Dean, "That thing you did, slamming the shutters down, that was impressive control, without the talismans." He tried to keep his voice neutral. He failed.

"You really hated it." said Cas.

"I hate that you wanted me out of your mind." said Dean, then he realised how that sounded, "Not that you don't have every right to tell me to get out, but the force you used ... "

"You were in pain because of me. I pushed you out of the line of fire."

"You pushed me off a cliff."

"No." said Cas. In Dean's head, Cas also said, "Hurting you kills me."

"And you carried on blocking me out. All you needed to do ... all you ever need to do is put on the talisman or tell me to wear mine. The talismans give us total protection."

"No, they don't." said Cas's voice in his head.

"What do you mean?" said Dean.

"I don't mean anything." said Cas aloud, "My mind is constantly arguing with itself." Dean could feel him trying to stop the link, to silence the voice that was throwing his doubts into the open.

"It's okay." said Dean, "I won't listen."

"I don't want to shut you out." said Cas.

"No, you're trying to protect me and I'm trying to protect you. I just want to be clear that I'm not angry and you did nothing wrong. We're in this together and if you need me to back off, I get it and I accept it and I'll try not to react badly. Truth is ... " He hesitated. He didn't want to say too much or too little and he thought about saying nothing, but the words came to him and he just let them go, "Truth is, I can't be as rational as I'd like about this stuff. It's too important to me."

"To me too." said Cas, "Hence the shutters. Which, incidentally, you managed to break through just now. We both have a lot more control now."