I shifted my weight between my legs, knotting my fingers together and trying in way to cope with the extreme amount of discomfort I was feeling. Of every situation in the world I could imagine, with every person I could imagine being in it with, this was the worst.
Across from me sat Esme, cold and unchanging, with a soft smile that stayed at the exact same angle without even so much of a twitch. Her eyes were fixated on me; they were a dark black color today, different from that warm honey color she usually had. I didn't wanna ask. She hadn't said anything other than gentle "hello's" in the whole twenty minutes I had been here, which was typical. She normally liked to wait until I got bored and starting spewing bullshit of my mouth.
And then, next to me, was Seth, sitting in a chair that was too small for him. Heat radiated off of his side, and it made me shift in my seat. I looked back and forth between the two of them, hoping that either we would make it through this entire hour without saying a word, or I would die. Either one of those would be an appropriate solution.
Seth was just as uncomfortable as I was, or at least he looked it. His eyes were fixated on one spot on the ground, and he kept moving around: sitting up in his chair, cracking his fingers, or stretching his legs out across the floor. This was the longest I had been next to him without him saying anything to me. It was an unnerving change.
"So, whose idea was it to do a joint session today?" Esme asked, finally realizing that I wasn't about to open up some heartfelt discussion.
"Seth's," I said at the same time that Seth said, "mine," and we looked at each other. It wasn't just his idea, he had begged, practically on his knees, to come in with me. He wanted to protect me, he said, and he thought that this would help sort out the little mess we had dug ourselves into. He seemed almost excited to come in and talk to Esme about it, but dried up the second he walked into the sleek building. Typical.
But this prompting from her kinda seemed like all he needed to get going. "I just thought it might be a good idea, because Alex kinda has like, trouble talking to me, I guess." It was funny to watch him struggle for words after so passionately declaring his undying love for me. He was just so large, and so cute, and so caught up in the words he chose. I smiled despite myself.
"Yeah, well I don't really talk here, either," I replied, not looking at either of them.
There was an unspoken question that hung on the both of their tongues, why? But it was too obvious. Esme knew that a straightforward question wouldn't get a straightforward answer, and even if it did, I was known to lie. I was getting kind of tired of having a therapist that knew so much about me and the way I worked. So instead, Esme asked, "Does Seth being here make it better or worse?"
Worse, I thought, but didn't dare to say out loud, because I knew it would make Seth slump down in his seat and get that hurt look in his eyes. It was the same one he got whenever I did or said something dumb. That, and the fact that it wasn't entirely true. When it came to Seth, it's like my brain and my body were two different beings, operating under different pretenses. My brain would shut down and close out; finding his presence as a violation of my privacy and his insistence on coming almost invasive. But my body leaned towards him, feeling calmed and warmed by his body being next to mine. It was the part of me that couldn't say no to him, the part of me that had no control. So I shrugged.
Esmee turned to Seth, knowing her chances were better with him. "What did you hope to accomplish by coming here today, Seth?"
Seth sucked in air through his teeth. "I just like," he paused, gnawing on his tongue and refusing to look at me, "I just wanted to show Alex how important she is to me, and the lengths I'm willing to go to make her feel comfortable around me. And like, I thought if we talked with like, a mediator, I dunno," he trailed off, bringing his elbows up in front of his face and doubling over. He shoot up immediately and for a moment I could swear there were tears in her eyes. "I just want her to be okay but I'm running out of ideas."
I looked down at my knotted hands and thought about everything leading up to this moment, to being trapped between two beings that had the ability to kill me in a second and cover it up even quicker, but they were both so desperate to help me. I thought about how quickly things fell apart. Did it happen when I first watched Seth shift? Or did it happen when I had my first little brush with death on the side of the road? When he saw my arms? Or maybe, everything fell apart before I even got here. Maybe my life was destined to be in little fragments the moment I fell in love with someone who fell in love with the idea of exploiting and hurting me, and I was just fooling myself into thinking Seth could fix it.
But his eyes were flushed red and pooling with tears and I felt sick knowing I could push someone like Seth to the verge of tears. The look of intensity in his eyes reminded me of the moment he said he would take himself out of this world for me. I remembered Embry telling me that his purpose in life was to now protect me, and he would do whatever he needed to in order to keep me safe. I imagined how it must feel for him, to watch me sit in a therapist's office, acting a shell of myself, and to be totally helpless. It might just be easier for him to rip something's head off.
I tapped my heels together, thinking that Seth could never fix this, but maybe it was enough for him to try.
And in that moment, I felt closer than I ever had before. My chest pulled towards Seth and I opened my mouth and I thought about all of the words I was going to say to the both of them.
Taking things seriously and opening myself up to either of you is horrifying.
I try to pretend that I'm over the things that happened to me but I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust again.
The world you both live in is too much for me.
I don't feel like I'm living when I'm not around you and it makes me scared about you leaving.
You said I don't owe you anything but I feel like that's a lie.
When I get scared, I run away.
But my mouth hung open and I looked between the two of them, staring at me expectantly, and the words died in my throat. "I'm sorry, I can't do this," I said, and turned and left the building.
I knew they both could've grabbed me, caught up with me in a second and gripped my shoulders and shoved me back onto the chair and said, no, you're staying, we're doing this right now, but the hands never came and neither did the footprints. They just watched me go, and I was grateful.
I shoved myself into my Jeep and drove the whole way home without shedding a tear, even though my throat was tensed up and my hands were shaking, and I could feel them pinching at the corners of my eyes. I was so tired of crying.
When I pulled into the driveway of my home and saw that my dad's cars were gone, I punched my fist into the wheel three times, harder each time and the horn blasted through the silence of the Washington trees. For the first time since I had moved, I missed California. I missed the sun. I missed not being able to go anywhere without there being someone around.
I knew I had Seth, I knew I had my friends, but I wanted someone that wasn't in on the stupid little secret they had all shared to just tell me what to do and what I was doing wrong. I screamed, pulling at the roots of my hair.
It didn't make sense for me to be feeling like this. It didn't, because Seth and I had made up. I mean, we had kind of made up. We came to some agreement that we should be together, and we should stop trying to fight it. And it should've ended at that. I wished it ended at that. But there was some chasm between us because of Embry and because of what happened to me in California and he felt like he had to be delicate with me and I felt so burdened that I couldn't even talk.
There was nothing I wouldn't give to go back, to just a few weeks ago when I didn't know about what Seth was and when Seth didn't know about what I was.
Knowing made everything harder.
With a sigh, I composed myself, feeling relieved that the tears never came. I rubbed my face, sucked in air, and got out of the car.
Tonight was just going to have to be a night of lying in bed and sitcom reruns.
Selena was buzzing around my room when I got up there; sprinting from one corner to another and yelping and screaming. "Hey, honey," I said to her, kneeling down as she slammed into the leg of my bedframe. I reached out and snatched her, pulling the little cat into my chest. "What's wrong, baby?" I asked.
In my arms, she calmed a little, but still whipped her head around frantically. I kissed her forehead. I must have been gone for too long.
It didn't take long after lying down in bed and binging mindless television for rocks to start hitting my window. I knew he would want to talk sooner than later. I rolled off the bed and opened my bedroom window, quickly moving out of the way.
Seth stood in front of my bed not long after that, chest moving in pained breaths and eyes hurt. Guilt churned in my stomach. "Why did you leave?"
My hands shook. "It was just too much for me Seth," I said, honestly. It was too much. I thought about talking and then my whole body just tensed up, and so I left. But Seth didn't seem to take this answer. He stared past me, eyes narrowed. "Look, I'm sorry, I know you're trying and I don't mean-"
He cut me off with his hand, putting it just a few inches away from my face before moving through my room. "What's wrong?" I asked, nervously rubbing my arms.
Seth traced his fingers across random belongings in my room, eyes searching and looking everywhere but at me. My gut did flips. Eventually, he turned back to look at me with shaking shoulders. "Did you let anyone in?" he asked, voice low and dangerous.
"No? What's going on?"
"Are you dads home? Have they been here at all today?" It wasn't like him to ignore me or my questions.
"Um, I don't know? I haven't seen them yet today. They're probably just at work. Are you gonna tell me what's happening?" I asked, not prepared for one more thing that could go wrong.
His eyes were dark when he answered. "There was a vamp in here."
thanks to manypies for reviewing and inspiring me to keep writing this. honestly that review is the only reason i updated.
also, if y'all want, check out my other story, "honeysuckle" that impulsively started. i would appreciate that v much
also, my braincell count is so low i spelled esme's name wrong this entire chapter
