Chapter 88.
In the parlour, Jules, Sam and Sarah drank their tea and waited for Dean and Cas to return. Sam smiled at Jules, wishing he could assure her that all would be well, but he knew that anything might happen out there and Cas might come back certain their relationship was doomed or wanting to marry her on the spot.
As for Dean, it was anybody's guess what he really wanted. He was trying to be the supportive friend and that was sincere and well-meant, but it was only natural that he would be uneasy about the possibility of Cas leaving the bunker. Sam was worried about that too and Sam didn't think of Cas as a vulnerable child, easily led and easily betrayed. In Dean's mind, he was all that stood between Cas and the machinations of Heaven and though he liked and trusted Jules, Dean seemed to have little faith in her ability to protect Cas. He really trusted no-one but himself to do that.
"So," said Sam, "We should probably discuss strategy, especially if Jules is going to live here."
"You're still against the idea." said Jules.
"If it were up to me," said Sam, "We'd all stay at the bunker. But that's clearly not working for you and Cas. Well, not for Cas, anyway. Sarah does need someone here and your team could have a base of operations here and it could all be great, but Dean and Cas don't really flourish when apart. I confess, I'm worried about my brother."
"Don't be." said Jules, "I would never try to come between Cas and your brother. Dean is the most important person in Castiel's life. I know that."
"I think we need to be ready to deal with whatever changes come." said Sarah, "If Cas comes here to see Jules, they'll have time and space to work on their relationship and Dean will know where to find Cas and can be sure that Jules and I are taking care of him. With Dean and I hope, you coming here more often, Sam, it wouldn't be too terrible a separation for anyone."
"I agree." said Sam, "And I think I can make sure Cas spends a lot more time here. It's a bit manipulative, but as it's manipulating him to put himself first for once, I'm fine with that."
"What's the plan?" said Jules.
"Dean and I like to support other teams of hunters." he said. "Loaning one a team member would be a reasonable idea."
"Would Dean go for that?" said Jules.
"Not if we start with, 'Hey, let's send Cas to stay with Jules!' But I can be more subtle than that. I convinced him to let me say yes to Satan. Trust me. I can make it impossible for him to argue."
Sarah smiled. "If you know that secret, teach me."
"Not all the time, but on this." said Sam.
"I feel as if I constantly have to remind Cas that we're together, that this isn't a hypothetical thing." said Jules.
"It's very Schrödinger's cat." said Sam, "In his head, he is both in a relationship with you and not allowed a relationship with you. He tries to maintain both realities at once. He's afraid of drawing Heaven's attention to you, but also afraid of losing you. Poor Cas always seems to have a divided heart, Dean or Heaven, you or Heaven, you or Dean." he smiled at her, "But here, today, it seems like he is choosing you."
"At least over Heaven." she said, "I've told him I won't be jealous of Dean and I won't. I had a brother that I loved more than my life. I get it. I'd never ask him to choose between us or neglect Dean or let Dean fight alone. It still scares me to know that if it did come to a choice, it wouldn't even be a decision. He'd choose Dean."
"I'm not so sure." said Sam.
"But I couldn't love him if he were the kind who ditches friends. I love the way he stands by you and Dean, no matter what and when he talks about either of you, it's with awe and joy and profound admiration. I love that. I love that he has someone in his life that doesn't treat him like a puppet or a sacrifice. I love that he knows you two love him."
"Yes," said Sarah, "This bond between the three of you boys is a beautiful thing."
"When he talks about loneliness, it breaks my heart." said Jules, "Until he met you two and then Sarah, he had nobody. He didn't even know what he was missing, but I still feel like there was this void at the centre of his life that nothing else could fill."
"When we first met him, he seemed so cold and obedient and unwavering. The angels think we broke him." said Sam.
"He thinks you saved him." said Sarah.
"I'm with him on that." said Jules.
"I think there was always something different about him, something that made him listen to Dean, even when it felt like Dean was talking rebellion and blasphemy. He was afraid to change, but I think he always wanted to. Angels aren't supposed to love, but maybe the essence of an angel is closer to soul stuff than we know. Maybe everything that lives has an inborn craving for connection and love."
"I've often thought the same thing." said Sarah.
"All I know is that, when he discovered friendship, it brought to life some dormant part of his nature. He changed. But he didn't change from Castiel into something else ... "
"No," said Sarah, "He became more Castiel. He found more of an identity. He found some self-worth. Angels weren't supposed to have that, either. They were supposed to exist only to serve and obey. He was supposed to view himself as nothing, to take pride only in his service to Heaven, but people who define their worth by the jobs they do become arrogant, controlling, obsessed with details and power."
"They become Zachariah." said Sam.
"And Cas just became gentler, kinder, more loving and compassionate." said Jules.
"And now he's in love." said Sam, "And it's wonderful to see. I know it seems like he's struggling to move forward, but just the fact that he wants to is huge for him. You're doing everything right, Jules. You're so patient with him and you really listen to him."
"And you both keep on supporting us and encouraging him to believe he can be happy. You two are always so good to us. Dean too. I know this is hard for him and he still keeps putting Cas first. I hope I do too. I try to."
"You do." said Sarah, "You are so good for him."
"All I want is to keep him with me forever, but I have to remember not to be selfish and never to put pressure on him. He's a rare bloom and I must never crush him."
"I believe in you." said Sam, "And I know Cas will make you happy. It's all he wants to do. He can be pretty single minded. Terrifyingly so, actually."
