Chapter 90.

They all ate a late lunch together, talking about hunting and cars and whether teaching Jack to drive would be a good idea. Sam was happy to see Cas so relaxed and content and he found it sweet that Cas and Jules sometimes held hands under the table or traded secret smiles when they thought no-one was looking.

He was aware that Sarah was often watching him. She was clearly still worried about him and looking for an opportunity to talk to him again. She believed he needed her help and, truth be told, so did he, but that could wait until after Michael was dealt with. Until then, he had an obligation to stow his crap and do his job. Later, there would be time for self-indulgence.

Sam was too intelligent not to remember that he had always used the same argument to avoid facing anything he didn't want to confront. Later, not now. Right now, there are things that need to be done. There were always more things to be done. Sarah saw through him as easily as he did.

However, she could not deny that Dean was more in need of support. Around the kitchen table, there was a lot of happiness, some trepidation and then there was Dean, angry with himself for not being happier for Cas, contemptuous of his own pain, his sense of impending loss, his jealousy. Had he spoken of any of it, all of them would have reassured him that there was no shame in feeling any of it, but he was, as always, trying to pretend it wasn't there at all, choosing to be alone, rather than risk being judged or pitied.

After the meal, Cas took Jules on a tour of the farm. Sam watched them head off together, both smiling.

Sarah was watching them too. "They're cute together." she said.

"They are." said Sam. He glanced at Dean. Dean seemed lost in thought.

"I'll wash the dishes this time." she said firmly. "You boys have had a rough morning. Go and relax in the parlour."

Dean was about to argue, but Sam just quietly propelled him into the other room. Dean took the couch, Sam sat opposite him in his usual chair. "How are you doing?" he said.

"Fine. Great, actually. Cas is really gonna make it work with Jules."

"I think he is, yes." said Sam.

"Which will be great."

"For both of them." said Sam.

"Yeah, for everyone. He won't have to be lonely anymore. In fact, Sam, I think he should be the one we lend to Jules for her team. We already know they work together well and he could stay here, which Sarah would love. I mean, obviously we can't spare Cas until Michael is defeated, but after Michael ... "

Sam wished he didn't know what "After Michael ... " meant. It meant, "I'll be dead, so it won't matter then."

"Yeah, after Michael." he said, "Great idea. He's the perfect choice."

They sat for a moment, smiling at each other and Sam wanted to say he understood, that he knew the wild forces pulling Dean's soul apart, that he was aware that Dean both longed for Cas to find perfect happiness and dreaded him doing so. He wanted to tell his brother it wasn't selfish or wrong not to want to lose the best friend he ever had.

Quite impossible to tell him any of that, so he said, "He seems okay now."

"He's okay." said Dean, "When he's with Jules, he's fine. Maybe we should lend him to her team now."

"What about Michael?" said Sam.

"I'm thinking of Michael. We both know, he wouldn't stand a chance against Michael."

"He stands more of a chance than we do."

"I know." Dean conceded, "Maybe I should lend you to Jules too."

"And you and Jack fight Michael alone?" said Sam.

"I've had worse ideas."

"I don't remember any."

"There's every reason to believe Jack can defeat Michael." said Dean. Sam was afraid of the darkness in his eyes, the unspoken evaluation of his own chance and his own life.

"Are you telling me you won't step between him and Michael?" said Sam.

"I'm no hero." said Dean.

"Yes you are. That's all you've ever been."

"We're getting away from the point, which is that here, Cas would be safe. Safer, anyway. And he'd be with Jules. He'd have everything he needs and he really, really needs it. No wonder he's always seemed so clingy. He's been alone for so long."

"Of course, he also needs you." said Sam.

"The beauty of the link is that distance between him and me no longer matters." said Dean and Sam needed no link to know that there were a thousand unsaid things contradicting and countering that statement.