Chapter 91.
In the parlour, Sarah had rejoined the Winchesters and Dean smiled at her and said, "Did you get this one talking yet?" nodding to Sam.
"Can we focus on the angel for now?" said Sam.
"No." said Dean.
"Sam has agreed we can discuss his issues after Michael is dealt with." said Sarah.
"Right. You know that's Sam code for never, yes?"
"Yes," she said, "But when Michael is defeated, Sam's out of excuses."
"It's not an excuse." said Sam.
"Quiet, Sam." said Dean, "We're talking about you, not to you."
"Counterproductive." said Sarah, "We need willing cooperation. Remember the games you played to avoid confronting anything painful?"
"Yeah, well, they didn't work well against you, did they?" said Dean, "You need to do to him what you did to me."
"For you." said Sarah.
"For me." he said, "I'm not ungrateful."
"She really fixed you well, didn't she?" said Sam.
"I don't fix anyone." said Sarah, "I just support them while they find something better than ... "
"Wallowing in self-pity?" suggested Dean.
"Wallowing in guilt." she said.
He smiled. "You were right that guilt wouldn't help out there with Cas."
"Yes. Did you find that out by wallowing in it?"
"No, by deciding not to." he said.
"Glad to hear it. You see, Sam? No fixing required. Dean is making his own choices and he's making good ones. I know you can too. You just have to decide you're worth the effort."
"Which you are, by the way." said Dean.
"Why are we even discussing me? Cas is the one we need to be thinking about." said Sam.
Dean shook his head. He wanted to point out that Sam had been worrying about him as much as about Cas, but reminding Sam of that didn't seem like a good idea. Instead, he turned to Sarah and said, "Do you ever wonder why you waste your time on Winchesters?"
"We still have a long road to travel, don't we, Dean?" she said, "I can't think of a better use of my time than supporting you, Sam and Castiel in any way I can. Besides, I love these moments, when we're together, talking. Family time. I've missed it so much."
"Yeah, me too." said Dean, remembering how good it had felt just to help her in the kitchen, the way little kids helped their moms. He rarely felt aware of the longing for domestic life, but whenever he had a chance to experience it, that opportunity felt like a gift to his soul.
He wondered whether Sarah knew that. He suspected she did. Looking back over just the past couple of days, he realised how often she had given him a chance to feel like a cherished son and to do the trivial, wonderful things that would have been a part of his childhood, had he been allowed one. He found himself wondering how many other small, secret strategies of hers he would notice later, that were now quietly healing wounds he barely knew he had.
"How are you feeling, Dean?" she said.
"I'm fine." he said, automatically. Her eyebrows signalled disbelief and he said, "Really, I'm okay. We have the link working well. Cas is out there in the fields, hopefully making out like a teenager with his girlfriend. Sam's at least admitting he has stuff to deal with. I'm doing okay. I am." He knew he sounded less than fine, but then, he had given the same assurances for years and nobody who knew him took them at face value anymore. "I'm golden." he said.
Sarah smiled at him. "You're doing well." she said and he knew the ambiguity was deliberate. So, judging by his slight smile, did Sam.
"Cas should be here with Jules for a while." said Dean, "Sam and I agree on that."
"It would be good for them, great for me, but not so good for you two or the bunker." said Sarah.
"Realistically, his only contribution to the fight against Michael would be to draw his fire for an instant." said Dean, "Michael has obliterated him before. Different Michael, but I'm guessing similar firepower."
"He sees himself as your protector and Jack's father. I can't see him agreeing to it." said Sarah.
"You could Obi-Wan him into it." said Dean.
"I have a basic understanding of the workings of the human mind," she said, "I don't claim to work miracles."
"You worked miracles on me." said Dean.
"Clearly not, if you still can't give yourself credit for your achievements."
"He used to say change was impossible for him." said Sam, "Now he recognises a degree of progress. That's pretty miraculous."
"If Cas does stay here with Jules, I can't promise it won't be permanent. You're pushing him into a situation he's never experienced before and it's going to be an attractive one for him."
"I know." said Dean, "I think it will be permanent. Happy ever after and all that."
"And you're okay with that?" she asked.
Five glib assurances raced to the tip of his tongue and each fell away before it could be spoken. "No," he said, "Not even a little bit, but I owe him that."
