Thank you for the reviews.

So this is a 3.5k+ chapter dedicated to one song and the thoughts, feelings and emotional rollercoaster that must have been series 5 for Rachel. In short, this is Rachel trying to get over Eddie post-S04E20 (which to some of us still never happened).

The lines are from a song called See The Way. It is by the Chainsmokers and is one of the songs I have been obsessed with this past couple of months. This is one of the songs that I mentioned in chapter 2 of Push My Luck... the second one will be the next chapter of this (bonus points if you can guess what the next chapter of this might be). I just felt like this song was rather Rachel and just how I would imagine her feeling post break up and I kinda had a lot of fun writing this... in a weird way... It only got harder as I was writing the Adam parts (although are we surprised there).

There is also something that I mention in here which might make more sense as to why I got Rachel to ask Tom about Izzie in the chapter Clarkson (chapter 31 of this story). Or maybe I have just gotten used to writing Rachel relying on Tom because of Push My Luck... Who knows really... Because I certainly don't.

And I do realise that I have changed a few things from when I wrote WR,WM and the early chapters of this... let's just call it the growth of the story just because this thing seems to keep ongoing.


I Go From Okay, I'm Okay To I'm Not Okay

I go from "Okay, I'm okay" to "I'm not okay" in .2
I go from cool in my new place to packin' my suitcase like you

Rachel looked out of the window, down onto the car park, as she waited for Kim and Chris to catch up to her.

She thought that she could do it, stand in front of her staff and tell them all about the changes in the new year. She was actually doing rather well until Steph had to open her mouth.

'So no Eddie?'

Rachel wanted to scream 'of course there is no Eddie' at her. She wouldn't have been so happy about this merger if Eddie was still there. The merger gave her a chance to throw herself back into her work and to ignore her emotions.

Of course, there was no Eddie. She was the one to push him away, again.

"Rach?"

She wiped away the tears before she turned to her nephew.

"You know that staff development days are just for the teachers, do you?"

"It's how I knew that you would be here today." Philip sighed. "I wouldn't be here if you had returned my calls or answered the door when I came round."

"Yeah well… I've been busy."

"You've been avoiding me."

She sighed as she turned back to the window.

"Right. I am coming back to live with you." He said.

"Don't be stupid Philip."

"You aren't looking after yourself."

"I'm okay."

"No, you aren't."

"Philip, I am okay."

It wasn't until his hand was in the pocket of her coat that she realised what he was doing. There was a shout of hey from Chris as Philip held her keys above his head, out of her reach, and took her house key off the bundle of keys she had. He handed the rest of them back to her.

"You aren't looking after yourself and you aren't okay. You have school tomorrow and you have to be on top form. So I am going to go round to yours, clean up and cook you dinner. It is just a meal that you haven't had to cook yourself. That is if you have actually done any cooking in the last six weeks." He said as he walked backwards down the corridor.

Rachel almost let him go as Kim and Chris joined her.

"Philip." She called after him and waited for him to turn towards her. "No surprises. Just me and you, yeah?"

Philip nodded at her and she left it at that as she put her keys back into her pocket and turned to Kim and Chris.

"Do you want me to go after him?" Chris said.

"No. He's my nephew. He... he is just trying to do something nice for me."

"You've shut everyone out," Kim said.

"Right, let's talk over these plans for tomorrow." Rachel said, trying to change the subject.

"Rachel, don't shut me out as well."

"Kim, what do you want to talk about?"

"How not okay you are?"

"I am. I'm okay." She swallowed. "Okay. I'm not okay. How can I be okay Kim? After everything that happened, how can I be okay when I am the one that ends up on their own again?"

"Then call him. I am sure that you can come up with some sort of compromise."

"You don't know Melissa."

Rachel sighed before she turned, hoping to take this to her office where they might get back on task. She knew that Chris was confused about what was going on and she was glad that he hadn't asked any questions yet.

"Okay, I don't," Kim said as they entered Rachel's office. "But I know Eddie. He would want a better solution to this."

"Kim…"

"Rachel. We are friends. I hope you would give me the same treatment."

"Then how are things with you and Andrew?"

"He had to go back at some point."

"Did he?"

"You know he did Rachel."

"I tell you what. I'll ring Eddie when you ring Andrew."

She didn't like the way that Kim hesitated. Part of her wanted to call Eddie and find a different solution to the one that she had decided was best. She just didn't have the strength to and knew that the broken heart was better than the arguments with her sister.


You were right when you said it, keep my cards to my chest
And I never let no one know me, I pushed you out

On top of having the worst week ever, Rachel didn't need Max to rearrange her office of her. She had hoped that he was joking when he said that he would be permanently based at Waterloo Road and would be moving into her office. It was why she hadn't yet cleared a space for him.

"You know, if you had more of a minimalist office, this wouldn't take so long," Max said as he started to decide which of her belongings on the bookshelf deserved to go into the box for her to take home or in the bin.

Not that any of her things were going to be thrown into the bin. She just had to ride this part out, wait for him to leave her office to assert his authority over something, before taking her things out of the bin and replacing a few bits.

"Crime and Punishment." He said as he read the spine of the book. "Of course, something that you know all about."

Horror filled her as he didn't move towards the box but the bin. Why would he even think to throw that away?

"Give me the book!" She shouted.

It wasn't like her to shout or get angry but Max just made her feel that way. She could tell that Chris was shocked by her outburst and Kim had even slowed herself down as she joined them in the office.

"Max, give me the book!"

"It's just a book."

"I don't care. Give me the book." She said as she held her hand out.

It was something that she knew would come back to haunt her. Overreacting over a book. But Rachel found herself not caring as she hugged the book to her chest.

"Get on with your work Max. I will clear a space for you by the end of the day. Just stop touching my stuff."

She didn't know whether she should trust him to stop but she couldn't be in her office anymore. She had to find somewhere to collect her thoughts and get her emotions under control.

She wanted to blame Max for her outburst but she couldn't.

Eddie was to blame and she hated herself for falling for him so hard.


"Thought I might find you here," Tom said.

Rachel smiled at him before letting the book fall from her chest slightly.

"Kim told you."

"Chris told me, to which I found Kim to ask more." He said as he sat on the desk opposite her. "I think Kim was a little more understanding."

"Because Chris and Max think that I overreacted. It's not just a book, Tom. Eddie gave it to me as a thank you for everything I did for him with Micheal. It has lived in my bookshelf ever since." She allowed the book to open itself. "And these have lived there since I couldn't have them in my house."

She handed over the photos that Eddie had forced into her hands the last time she had seen him. It was Eddie's idea to do the photo booth. She felt like it was wildly overpriced but she couldn't help but agree when she saw his enthusiasm. Three silly photos of them, followed by one of them kissing. Eddie hadn't wanted them, probably knowing that Melissa would end up making him throw them away. Rachel didn't want them either. It was a happy day on the weekend before the end of term. The last weekend they would spend together.

"Hence why you are in his old classroom," Tom said as he handed back the photos.

She replaced them in their special place, safe in the book, as she thought over her next question.

"Who was the worse for you? Lorna, Izzie or Davina?"

He swallowed. "Definitely Izzie."

"Then how do you turn up every day? I mean, she was stabbed in that car park, just out there. It kills me not to see Eddie's car next to mine or the fact that I will never be able to walk down this corridor again and watch him teaching."

"I had the girls to think about. I couldn't just shut down because they needed me."

"Eddie was so annoyed when he found out about my past. I was standing about here, looking out of that window, as I badly attempted to explain to him why I'd done what I had when I was 17. He sat at his desk. I still remember the way he said 'if Stuart Hordley's secretary knows about you, how long before everyone knows?' Maybe I understand now why it did bother him so much."

"It does get better Rachel."

"Does it? Can you tell that I have never loved someone like I love him?"

"Then maybe Kim is right. Maybe you need to call him and talk to him and find a way around this. I don't doubt that it would be hard considering why he left but it must be easier than this."

"Is that what everyone thinks? That he just left?"

"Yes, because it is easier to think that than to ask you."

She cleared her throat to try and get her emotions in check. "I pushed him away, Tom. I went and pushed him away again and… I'm never going to have that chance again. I blew it, Tom. I really blew it. And the worse part is... Melissa won in the end. She got him."

She let Tom put his arms around her and she felt herself relax and allowed the tears, that had been building up over the course of the conversation, to fall.

Neither option was easy but, no matter how much she was hurting now, this was the better option. Pushing him away and breaking her own heart now was better than it happening once the baby arrived. Because Melissa would make Eddie choose in the end and she couldn't allow him to let this opportunity go.


I wish I could lie, but I'm so not a liar
Been trying to try to pretend that I'm fine

Rachel swore as she tried to find her bra and her top. She knew it wasn't a good idea when Chris implied it, but she did it anyway. Another stupid decision on her part. Why would she do that to herself again?

She managed to find her top, making her a step closer to getting out of there.

She knew why she had done what she did. The situation felt similar to one before and it had allowed her mind to turn Chris into Eddie.

Bloody Eddie Lawson. Again.

"Was you planning on just sneaking out?"

Chris' voice made her jump and she almost felt guilty for feeling that sneaking out was her only option. The problem, now, was that she would have to explain to him why she wanted to leave without explaining everything to him.

"Chris… Last night should never have happened."

"But it did."

She could tell he was distracted by something and even though she had laid her top over her chest when she heard his voice, she looked down to see that part of her scar was still visible. She lifted her top higher to cover it, although she wondered whether it would have been easier to just put it on and worry about her bra later.

"I…" He started.

"Probably for the best." She said interrupting him.

The less that was said about the scar, the better. Eddie had managed to make her feel better about it in the end. And then she pushed him away. Again.

"Look, Chris. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I think you are a great guy and you have been a great friend and I value you as a deputy."

"Why do I sense a but?"

"No but. Just this is another mistake that I have made."

"You way too hard on yourself sometimes Rachel. Last night happened whether you like it or not, and you can't avoid that."

"I know."

"Then why did it? You said in the pub it was a bad idea but…"

"Because… everything reminded me of Eddie. Someone mentioning about my past and my deputy punching them across the face. Eddie did that for me once… and you doing it again reminded me of that."

"Kim's right. You need to call him."

"And say what Chris?"

"That you made a mistake."

She paused for a moment. "You don't know."

"Sorry?"

"You don't know what happened between us. What happened at the end of the last school year."

"I did ask Tom but he didn't say much."

"Good old Tom." She whispered.

"What happened then?"

She debated with herself whether she would give him the short version of events or not. Whether she wanted to make him understand properly what she had, why she let it go and why contacting Eddie wasn't an option.

"Do you have siblings?" She asked.

"No."

"Not helpful."

"Sorry."

Chris found her bra as she thought about how she was going to tell him. She turned from him and finished getting dressed before she turned back to him to explain.

"The morning of the fire. Eddie asked me out. Or I saw it as him asking me out. I saw it coming from a mile away. It was inevitable. He knew about my past and, after a couple of weeks of tensions, he accepted it and he was there to support me. We obviously never got that drink as I spent the summer in a hospital bed… and I believe that he was too busy saving my job and getting the school ready to visit me. Although I don't know how much that would have changed things.

"He'd had one too many and made a move on me and I pushed him away. The next week, my sister started at the school, appointed by me… and they hit it off. He started dating her, even got engaged to her and I stood by the sidelines, plastering on a smile, pretending that I was happy for them. They looked happy and I… I couldn't break that happiness. Then Melissa ran off and we got our chance. Until she returned, five months pregnant with Eddie's baby."

"Ouch."

"Melissa would have made him choose in the end. Her and the baby or me. He had already lost the chance to be a father once, I couldn't do that to him again. Chris… No matter how much I am hurting now, I would have been worse later on. Which is why last night wasn't fair on you."

"Rachel…"

"I hope we can still work together. I still want you by my side."

"Is that also why Kim keeps standing by your right side? Because that was where he used to stand."

"She kept catching me going to turn, that she thought it would just be best for her to be there."

"I wish you told me this sooner."

"So you did think that I had overreacted over a book." She laughed. "Yeah, Eddie gave me the book."

"I still think you should call him."

"Yeah well, I know my sister. It would all end in tears." She paused. "I'll… I'll see you in the new year."

"Rachel… I'll see you in the new year."

She gave him a smile, which he only half-heartedly gave back. No, it wasn't fair on Chris. Not in the slightest.


Now I get that you needed just a little more love
And to just see me wide open and breaking down

Rachel knew that she couldn't keep doing this. Lying to herself and Adam. But the lies were easier than the truth. The lie that she had forgotten what it was like to be in a relationship was easier than explaining that her last relationship, that ended nearly a year ago, broke her heart so much that she never wanted to go through that pain again. It still hurt now and she knew it was why she knew that he couldn't keep his promise that he would never hurt her.

"I… I want you to be my wife."

She knew he was going to say that. He was nervous to say it but she knew that marrying him didn't mean that he wouldn't end up hurting her.

She even surprised herself slightly by saying yes. Although she knew why she had said it.

No one had ever asked her before. No one had ever wanted her to become their wife.

She could remember how quickly Eddie had proposed to Melissa and she wondered whether the only reason he hasn't asked her was because Eddie always knew she would need more time.

In the space of five minutes, she had gone from confessing that her relationship with Adam scared her to agreeing to marry him.

It was a thought process that she would never truly understand.


"Tom? What can I do for you?" Rachel said as he stepped into her office.

"I suppose… to offer my congratulations in person."

"Thank Tom." She paused. "Go on. Say it."

"Say what?"

"Come on Tom. We have been working together long enough. If you want to say something to me, then just say it."

"Do you not think that this is all happening a little fast?"

"I am asking myself the same question."

"Are you going to be happy Rachel?"

"I think so." She paused. "Tom, I understand that you are looking out for me. Believe me, I don't understand it all myself yet."

"Why you don't want to make a big deal of it." He laughed. "Champagne for Eddie and Melissa while your engagement is only a quick announcement. Don't think that Steph didn't catch me up."

"I wouldn't doubt that she wouldn't have enjoyed having her little say on things."

"Rachel… Just because we know you have been through a lot, doesn't mean we know what you have told Adam. In all honesty, all we want you to be is happy."

"Thanks, Tom."

"Just you still aren't over him, are you?"

"I don't think I ever will. It is why I haven't told Adam about Eddie. I might, one day, when I get the confidence to. The truth still hurts. The lies are better."

"I just hope you aren't lying to yourself about being happy with Adam."

"I hope so too."


So tell me, what's the difference if we still feel the same?
It takes a little distance to make you see the way

"Philip, are you okay? You look like you did at the boxing match."

"I feel like it is only fair that I tell you as well."

"Tell me what?" Rachel said as Ros joined them.

"I told Eddie. That you were getting married today."

It was the first time that she realised that Eddie needed to be told and she was glad that Philip had told him. The day's events had finally taken her mind off of him and she almost felt guilty that she hadn't really thought about him all day. But that was how she had to be now. She was married to Adam, not Eddie. They had missed their shot.

"Just… I didn't want to think that he could have a second chance with you." Philip continued.

"No. You did the right thing."

"Hang on, like your step-dad Eddie?" Ros said.

"I'd prefer him as my uncle rather than my step-dad. Even if he has been there for me more than my real dad. Like Rachel has been there for more than my mum." He turned to Rachel. "It was just easier to say that than to explain everything."

"I get it, Philip." She paused. "When did you tell him?"

"Last night."

"Does…"

"I haven't told her."

"Good."

"Rach…"

"Honestly, Philip, it is fine. Adam… Adam doesn't know about Eddie. It… It would be hard to explain if he just turned up on our doorstep."

"He still loves you."

"I think you are telling me that a couple of hours too late."

"You could have worked it out."

"With your mum? You know it would have ended in heartbreak Philip. She would have made him choose or worse, she would have run off. Just… Learn from our mistakes. Mine would be to have not pushed him away on my first day back after the fire."

"Mum must have known though."

"Your mother has always been a mystery to me."

She could tell that Philip wanted to say more when Adam showed up.

"Mrs Fleet, are you ready for our first dance?"

"Of course Mr Fleet."

Rachel allowed him to bring her back to the hall and she knew that he would ask her what was on her mind and she would tell him that she was thinking about leaving Waterloo Road behind. But it made her wonder, would she feel the same way if it was Eddie by her side?