Chapter 95.

Cas had suggested Sarah's chicken soup and Dean felt that the amount of preparation involved might give him a good reason to be hanging around the kitchen. After a few minutes, he went to join her and said, "I thought you might need a kitchen assistant."

She looked up from the plate of chicken and smiled. "That's good of you, Dean. Start chopping the vegetables, please."

He washed his hands and picked up a sharp knife. As he started cutting the carrots, he said, "Sorry about earlier."

"I thought you did very well in there." she said.

"I started a fight with Cas. I said things that I never should have said."

"Even when you said those things, you knew you were doing the wrong thing and then you both stopped fighting."

"Jules stopped us."

"You ignored me. You could have ignored her. You didn't. You did well, both of you. Even in the middle of the fight, you helped him to understand that he had said the wrong thing to Jules. I find that especially praiseworthy."

"You set the bar very low for me, Sarah." he said.

"I think it's more that you set it so high you can barely see it." she said, "I know it wasn't easy for you in there. You urged him to leave the bunker, because it's the right thing for him, even though it's the last thing you want to happen. Pretty selfless."

"Not really. And I got it all wrong and now he thinks I think he's weak, which I don't, at all."

"You really don't see the progress, do you? You two are being far more honest with each other and saying the things you'd previously have left unsaid or completely denied. Yes, sometimes the tension boils over into poorly chosen words or poorly received ones, but five years ago ... five weeks ago, could you have talked to him that honestly?"

"I don't know." said Dean.

"I do." she said.

"I feel like I have made progress." he said.

"Good."

"And I mostly have you to thank."

"You mostly have yourself to thank, but you're still not ready to look at yourself more kindly, are you?" she said sadly.

He smiled at her. "You like me too much, I maybe like me too little ... Just a little too little. I think maybe, together, we balance out."

"It's my ambition to help you get to the point where you look in a mirror and see the man I see." she said.

He didn't know what to say to that, so he paid full attention to cutting up a large onion.

"To say you're conflicted about Castiel leaving would be an understatement." she said.

"Yeah." he said.

"But you did everything you could to persuade him."

"Yeah." he said again, "I didn't ignore you, by the way."

"You just acted as if I hadn't spoken?" she suggested.

"That does sound a lot like ignoring you, to the untrained ear." he admitted.

"I don't take it personally. All that matters is that you listened to someone. Jules turns out to be very effective at cutting through all the nonsense."

"She does. I feel like she'll take good care of him."

"They could be very happy together. I promise to do all I can to encourage their relationship."

"Sam and I should probably leave tomorrow. I don't like leaving the bunker for too long at the moment and we can take Cas back with us for the start of this joint custody thing."

"And you're a little tired and you need a break from the introspection?"

"I'm not giving up on it. I know you've helped me a lot. But maybe it's time we worked on getting Sam to deal with his issues. I should convince him to come here alone, if I can. Also, Cas and Jules need some alone time for now."

"I need you to stay in touch." she said, "I need you to stay honest with me."

"Yeah, I will. And Cas and I will keep working on the link. He needs alone time in his head too. By the way, I'm not gonna ask if you knew the talismans were fake."

"I'm impressed that you forgave Sam." she said.

"So am I. In the old days, that would have earned him a beatdown and months of resentment. I guess I'm mellowing."

"What he did, he did out of love."

"That's how we make all our big mistakes." said Dean.

"I'm not sure it was a mistake." she said.

"Neither am I." he said.

"Because of him, you and Castiel are now using the link and learning to control it."

"True." he said, "But all this openness is stressful and exhausting and I think I need to repress some stuff a little."

She smiled. "I like your honesty." she said, "If you need to back off for a while, go ahead, but don't go too far."

"I won't. I just need to hit functional. I need to be ready for the big fight with Michael."

"We're back to after Michael, are we?" she said, "When your brother talked like that ... "

"If you're gonna start pointing out my double standards, we could be here for weeks." he said, "I admit it, it's different with Sammy. I know that he's burying a whole heap of stuff in that head of his and I know that he doesn't care enough about his own life and I know ... " He looked into her eyes. "I know that you think I'm talking as much about myself as Sammy and you think if you look at me with that look, you can make me admit it, to you and myself."

"But you'll never admit it." she said.

"Not a chance." he said.

"And I can respect that." she said.

They smiled at each other. It felt infuriating, to be understood so completely, but also liberating. She accepted even his confusion and his dishonesty. She might call him out on his crap, but she wouldn't stop him from hiding behind it, if he needed to.

"How bad is it up there right now?" she said, nodding to his head.

"I can handle it." he said.

"You're not losing Castiel." she said.

"No. Not yet."

"But knowing that and believing it are very different things. Will you talk to him about it, or to Sam?"

"Best not to, I think." said Dean.

"Then we'll talk about it tomorrow." she said and it felt like a promise, not a threat. That in itself made him acknowledge how far he had come.

"Okay." he said.

"But remember, you're allowed to feel feelings. It's what they're there for. And, when you leave, don't go too far away. I have a horrible fear, with you and with Sam, that one day, you'll disappear out of my life and fall into darkness. Don't choose the abyss because it's easier than struggling back into the light."

He put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. "We can't do that, Sarah. You know where we live."