Denial


"Do you think she knows we're coming?" AJ asked Punk, getting out the car outside of Jude and Sean's house.

"Well I thought you had text?" Punk asked her, locking the car over and heading down the path.

"I did but she never replied." AJ said, "Hopefully the health visitor has been already. I don't wanna intrude or anything." She said as Punk nodded, knocking on the front door and waiting.

"Let's not stay too long. You're supposed to be resting." Punk said, "You're being a bad patient." He tutted.

"Or you're being a bad nurse." AJ objected as he shook his head, "I just want to see my daughter and granddaughter, ok? I've barely saw them what with being in hospital and Jude being here." She said, "I wish I could have helped her more." She sighed just as Sean came to the door.

"Oh, hey guys." Sean smiled tiredly as Punk and AJ walked into the house, "How are you doing, April?" He asked, giving her a hug as AJ smiled.

"I'm doing ok." AJ assured him, "What about you? You look a little tired." She noticed.

"Well… life with a new-born I guess." Sean smiled, "Jude is actually asleep right now. The health visitor hasn't long gone and she was exhausted so I told her to go shut her eyes for a couple hours."

"Oh." AJ frowned, "I was hoping to see her." She said, walking through to the kitchen with Punk.

"How'd it go with the health visitor?" Punk asked Sean.

"Not the best." Sean said, "I don't know if Jude would want me to be telling you but… well you're her parents." He said, "The health visitor told her that she's suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety." He nodded, "Which… I kinda figured anyway." He said as AJ sighed to herself.

"What's been going on?" Punk asked.

"She doesn't wanna leave the house." Sean said, "I can't even get her to just go out for breakfast or go for a quick walk." He said, "She's barely eating, she's sleeping all the time, she doesn't wanna talk about it much." He said.

"Is she… is she spending time with Mirren?" AJ asked sadly, fearful that her daughter was struggling to take to motherhood.

"Yeah, yeah she's… she's amazing with her. And when she's feeding her and holding her, that's when I can see her smiling and… and she seems happy." Sean nodded, "It's just in between all of that."

"What did she say when the health visitor told it was postpartum depression?" Punk asked.

"I think she's trying to pretend that it's not. I think she's offended by it." Sean said.

"She needs to get out of this house." AJ sighed to herself as Sean nodded.

"I know but I can't… I can't force her." Sean said, "I've tried my hardest to get her out, even if it's just for a little while but she's… she's just finding it tough." He nodded.

"We'll get her help." Punk assured him, noticing how helpless he looked, "It's not always gonna be like this. She's just struggling. It's common, right?" He turned to AJ.

"Of course it is." AJ nodded, "I had it when I had Thea. It was like a… constant feeling of dread and unhappiness and… I used to hate myself for it because I thought it made me look like a bad mom but… it wasn't anything to do with her or my love for her." AJ shook her head as Sean nodded. He needed some encouraging words right now, it was tough seeing his fiancé in this difficult place.

"What did the health visitor suggest?" Punk asked.

"Well she gave Jude a little booklet with some tips on what can help. She also talked about referring Jude to the hospital to talk to someone and maybe speak about medication if things… continue the way they are." Sean said, "But Jude being Jude threw the booklet in the trash and also said that she's not taking any medication so…" Sean shrugged.

"I think I should go talk to her." AJ nodded.

"She might not be sleeping." Sean said as AJ nodded.

"I'll go see." AJ said, wandering out of the kitchen and heading upstairs whilst Punk stayed with Sean.

"She was talking with me about it all, she was… she was opening up to me about how she felt and then she shut down again. It was like she didn't wanna hear it from another person." Sean said.

"It can be a difficult time having a baby, learning how to adapt. Your whole world basically changes overnight." Punk said, "It can be scary and daunting."

"I just hate that she thinks she's a bad mom for feeling like this." Sean shook his head.

"She's not gonna feel like that forever. We'll help her. We'll get her out of the house and get her talking-"

"You guys have enough on your plate. Especially April. Is she even supposed to be out and about like this?" Sean asked.

"Not really but she desperately wanted to come visit Jude and Mirren. And you of course." Punk added as Sean smiled.

"I just feel really useless right now. I hate that I can never help her properly. I can't make things go away for her or fix things." He sighed to himself, "It's the worst."

"Hey, you're there for her day and night and that's all anyone could ask for. She knows she's got you to lean on and that's half the battle." Punk said, "Becoming a parent is different for everyone." He said, "I remember when I first saw Thea. The first time I held her and fed her. I just felt like I wasn't doing anything right but I was, I was just conscious of doing my best." Punk said, "But with time you realise that not everything is gonna be perfect. But that's how you learn." He nodded.

"Yeah I'm learning a whole lot." Sean sighed to himself, "You want some coffee?" Sean asked.

"You sit down, I'll make it." Punk assured him.

Meanwhile AJ had made her way upstairs, walking into her daughter's bedroom quietly where she found Jude wide awake lying in bed in some sweats and a large hoodie.

"Hey." AJ said quietly as Jude looked over at her.

"Did Sean call you?" Jude questioned defensively.

"No… no, me and your dad were just coming to see how you guys are, that's all." AJ smiled, "Felt like I haven't see you in years." She teased.

"You saw me at the docks a coupe nights ago." Jude said.

"Yeah well… that was under different circumstances." AJ said.

"How's your head?" Jude asked her.

"It's fine." AJ nodded as Jude sat up, leaning against the headboard and tucking her knees up.

"You had a brain injury, mom. You're not fine." Jude shook her head.

"Well I'm healing then." AJ corrected, "Got lots of pain meds, got your dad running around after me." She smiled, "I'm doing just fine." She assured her, "How are you doing?" She asked, walking over to the bed and sitting down on the edge, "I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I… I should have been." She sighed, rubbing her arm softly.

"Mom, you don't have to apologise." Jude shook her head, "I'm fine." She nodded.

"Are you?" AJ asked her, "Because you know that it's ok if you're not. In fact, it's completely normal." She assured her.

"What has Sean been saying to you?" Jude sighed. She did her best in life to always try and handle situations on her own. She'd been that way since she was a child, AJ would testify to it. She had to do everything for herself. But sometimes, in these cases, that wasn't enough.

"Nothing that isn't true." AJ said, "It's ok if you're finding this tough and you… you're not feeling good." She nodded, "I felt the same when I had Thea-"

"Yeah, that's cause you were a single mom living in a crackhead apartment block with dad in prison. I'd be depressed about that too." Jude nodded as AJ looked across at her.

"Depression isn't a circumstantial thing and you know it." AJ warned her, "You have to look after yourself right now, Jude. You're clearly not in a good place mentally and you need to surround yourself with family and friends."

"No, I need for people to stop telling me what I need." Jude corrected, "Is this the only reason you came to see me? Because you think I'm screwing things up?"

"I never said that, Jude." AJ shook her head, "I just came to see how you are, and to see my granddaughter." She said, "Tons of new mom's feel like this. It's ok. But you gotta help yourself, sleeping the days away and hiding in your bedroom isn't gonna help." She nodded, "You need to get out of the house."

"God, what is everyone's obsession with me getting out of here? I've just had a baby. I don't wanna go strolling around the park. I'm still in pain and uncomfortable."

"I know but that's… that's all normal and being active might take your mind off it." AJ nodded.

"You don't understand." Jude shook her head childishly.

"Jude, I've had three kids, I do understand." AJ reminded her seriously, "Maybe… Maybe you need some medication, or some therapy-"

"I am not taking any medication." Jude said seriously, "And I am sick and tired of therapy and… and telling people how sick of myself I am, and how shit I feel." She shook her head, placing her hand over her eyes and sighing to herself.

"Jude, baby, look at me." AJ took her hand as Jude put her hand down from her forehead and looked at her, "You will get through this. And don't you dare think that what you're feeling has anything to do with your ability to be a good mom. You're doing amazing. Sean says you're great with Mirren."

"Yeah well she deserves better than this." Jude shook her head.

"No… no, she is the luckiest girl ever to have a mom like you. So brave and strong-"

"I get it. I was raped. You don't have to tell me how strong I am just cause I chose to… keep going with my life instead offing myself." Jude shook her head, throwing her mother's hand away and getting off the bed.

"Jude." AJ sighed.

"No, I'm sick to death of people telling me how strong they think I am when I never, ever feel like it." Jude shook her head.

"Ok, just… just calm down." AJ stood up.

"Can you please just leave?" Jude asked.

"Jude, I'm here to help you." AJ sighed, "Being a mom is not easy, and it's not perfect. Believe me." She said, "You're going to feel better. I promise. You just need to take the help that you're given."

"I don't need to do anything, mom." Jude said, "Please just leave." She nodded.

"None of us are gonna let you suffer alone." AJ made clear, "You know this family. You know how it works." She nodded.

"Can't you just respect the fact I want some space right now?" Jude asked, "Let me deal with this in my own way." She shook her head, "Please."

"You're way of dealing with things is keeping them bottled up and not talking about it, Jude." AJ said, "You can't do that. Talk to me. Talk to your sisters. Your father. Sean. We're all here for you."

"Mom, please just get out." Jude placed her hands on her temples, "I'm tired and Mirren is gonna wake up soon and need fed so please just go." She nodded as AJ looked across at her.

"I'll be back tomorrow." AJ said, "And the day after that. And the day after that." She said as Jude rolled her eyes, "And so will Thea. And Cassie. And dad." She nodded.

"Just get out!" Jude yelled, beginning to lose her patience as AJ looked across at her, "Please… please just leave me alone." She shook her head.

"Jude." AJ shook her head with confusion and sadness.

"Just… get out." Jude said, taking her mother by the arm and marching her out of the bedroom.

"Jude." AJ shook her head.

"Out." Jude said, pushing AJ out of the room and slamming the bedroom door shut, leaning her back against it and closing her eyes over, beginning to hear Mirren crying next door which only resulted in some of her own tears.