Chapter 98.
Jules took a bath before bed and she was gone some time. When she returned, dressed in PJs that could not in any way be described as provocative, Cas needed to take a few deep breaths before he could say anything intelligent. "Do I smell orchids?" was his first attempt. Then he said, "I have an idea." and took out his angel blade.
"I don't like this idea." said Jules, "Unless you want a little hand to hand before bed. I could go for that."
He sat on the bed, still holding the blade. "It's tempting, but as I told Dean, any close quarters combat with you is going to arouse feelings better not aroused."
"I could go for that too." she said.
"I'm sure tempting angels is a sin." he said.
"Yeah, well, God and I parted ways a long time ago, when he let my world die."
"He's not my favourite person either." said Cas. He looked at the blade, remembering how it had once felt like a glorious honour to wield it in his father's service. By the terms of his existence then, he could not call it a life, he had lost everything.
He reached out for her hand and she clasped his and allowed him to draw her closer. She sat on the bed beside him and then let go of his hand and gently took the blade from him. "I think I need to keep this for now." she said, "I don't like the look in your eyes when you look at it."
"I'm not about to do something stupid." he said, "I had a good idea for how to deal with the issue of an eavesdropper in my head."
"Involving a blade that can do you serious harm?"
"Yes." he said, "Because it can also inflict serious, non-fatal pain."
"This is not gaining my approval." said Jules, "This sounds like something stupid."
"The problem is that I can't stop Dean from picking up the most intense feelings, loss, love, desire for you. I can't stop him sharing our intimate moments because those feelings overwhelm my will, like a wave in a hurricane, breaking sea defences. But I was able to close the link earlier. I slammed my mind shut. I just need to use that strength."
"Agreed. Not seeing a role for the blade." said Jules. She took the lapel of his coat. "Do you wanna take this off?"
"If you want me to." he said.
"You have no objections?"
"No. If it makes you happy, I can take it off for the night."
She smiled. "Thanks. It makes me very happy." She helped him take it off and then she folded it over the back of a chair and returned to his side. She stroked his back. "The coat's great, but sometimes I just need access to the perfect craftsmanship of your shoulders." Her fingers ran across his shoulder and he struggled for a moment to remember his thoughts.
"My idea is to cut myself with the blade, deeply enough to really hurt, not deeply enough to do real harm ... "
"No." she said.
"No what?"
"Not acceptable. I'm not about to sit here and watch you self-harm."
"It's not that. It's nothing like that. If I can cause intense pain to myself and, at the same time, prevent Dean from noticing that anything is wrong, it means I control the link and that means we can possibly have sex without him being aware of any of it." He smiled at her reassuringly, confident that she would see that his idea was logical and intelligent and made excellent sense.
She touched his cheek lightly with her fingers. "This flesh, my love, has suffered enough. We're fighters. We've both taken a lot of wounds and I know that you have the fortitude to bear almost anything, but that doesn't mean you should, not for me, not for Dean. I have to veto your idea. There's another way and we will find it."
"What if there isn't? What if we don't?" he said.
"I'd rather be celibate for life than see you hurt." she said.
"It would hurt for a moment and then I would heal myself." he said.
"Knowing you had done that for me would be a scar on my conscience for the rest of my life." she said. She kissed him, reminding him of how much he wanted to close the link and make love to her without the risk of interruption or intrusion.
"I love you." he said.
"Then don't hurt my lover." she said.
"You have another suggestion? Any other suggestion?"
"The same as before. Patience. It's worth waiting for, right?"
"Time is limited." he said.
"For an immortal being?"
"Even immortal beings can be destroyed."
"Maybe if you have the prospect of sex with me still ahead of you, you'll take more care and come back alive." she said.
"Do you think once we've had sex, I won't care?" he said.
"Let's not think anymore tonight." she said. She turned on the bedside lamp and then turned the main light off. "I need to sleep in your arms." she said.
He found a comfortable position and then reached out to embrace her. Whatever their disagreements, the sensation of holding her close brought him deep contentment. It felt a little different from last time.
"This isn't a sleepover, is it?" he said.
She smiled at him. "No, Cas, this is bordering on living together."
"Oh. That sounds wonderful."
"It does, doesn't it?" She turned out the light and kissed him. "How do you feel?"
"I don't know." he said.
"You don't know?"
"So many feelings at once, all of them good." he said.
"All good?"
"Yes." he said.
"No guilt? No shame?"
"No," he said, pausing to kiss her, "This feels good. This feels right. Pure."
"Good. This is right. This is our reward for all the crap we waded through to get here. And we will have sex, Castiel. We'll get to go through the whole list."
"What whole list?"
"The list of things I desperately want to do with you."
"For instance?" he said.
"For instance, I'd like to go slowly over your whole body, kissing all the cute bits."
"What if you find no cute bits?" he said.
She undid a few buttons of his shirt and tenderly nuzzled his neck before whispering, "Darlin', you are all cute bits."
