Author's note;
Hey, I'm back!
Thank you guys for your patience, I really needed a break from the weekly updates, it started to get stressful.
I've got quite a few chapters all ready that I hope you'll enjoy! Thank you for sticking with me and this story
CHAPTER 40:
It's okay to need help
Forgiveness. Such a long yet simple word. Its meaning so complex that, sometimes, it was hard for humans to wrap their minds around it and just embrace it. Yet the words "I'm sorry" were so easy to pronounce, so much that they risked losing the 'deeper message' depending on the lips they came from. But if spoken from the heart, at the exact right second, they worked their magic, turning things back in time, putting disputes and rivalries behind them and lighting the path to a brighter future.
Brighter future, uh? The corner of Cole's lips twitched with the ghost of a smile. He turned his head to the boy by his side. Jay's face was tight with concentration, his eyes narrowing and almost disappearing in the space between his eyebrows and freckled cheeks. The shiny small pieces of the metal puzzle moving and clinking in his hands as Jay manipulated them, trying to disassemble the parts. Across from them, on the other side of the coffee table, Lloyd held a similar head-scratcher in his small hands. His demeanor as focused as the Jay.
Cole's lips stretched into a wide smile. Just days ago, it seemed impossible he would be able to enjoy a moment like this again; taking a cup of tea, some snacks and just chilling around. All very little things that had been stolen from him for a short while, but that their momentary lack had shattered his heart painfully.
Looking at Lloyd and Jay now, no one would have thought they had been as scared and confused as they did days ago. Forgiveness was indeed magical. Cole was yet somehow flabbergasted at Jay's maturity; he'd known the boy was sagacious, with a kind heart, but several times he'd feared the events of the night of the family party would be an insurmountable obstacle, an abyss too wide to jump over. But Jay had found a way to build a bridge and reach Kai's side, offer him comprehension and a second chance to work their differences. Cole had been aware of his own growing feelings for the boy, but that moment in their room when Jay told him and Zane why he'd decided to put everything behind him and the monarch, Cole was sure he'd fallen in love with Jay —and suspected Zane wasn't much far behind, it was impossible not to love the boy at that point.
"Ah!"
Cole's attention was brought back to the present when Jay gasped. He looked at the boy, Lloyd's gaze rose and stared ahead as well.
"I think I got it," Jay said, holding the puzzle. Lloyd leaned in, supporting himself on his elbows on top of the table and watched Jay's fingers carefully maneuver the metal pieces until one of them 'magically' slid over the other and they were no more stuck together.
Lloyd's eyes opened wide. "I knew it had something to do with that strange gap on the side!" He exclaimed then looked up at Jay's face and smiled softly. "Well done."
Jay's cheeks reddened slightly and he fumbled with the puzzle again, reversing his previous action and restoring the mechanism. He was obviously not used to having direct conversations with Lloyd yet, but he would someday, of that Cole was more than sure.
The blond's attention diverted to the first royal spouse, he giggled, "What about you?"
"Uh?" Cole looked down at his own hands which were holding another tiny puzzle that had long been forgotten by the young man. The mechanism was intact, with no signs of being unlocked anytime soon. Lloyd chuckled low and Cole groaned, dropping the thing on the table. "Don't laugh! This is impossible."
"It's not; that one is supposed to be the easiest one from the box. It can't be that hard to find the solution."
"Oh, I can find the solution. Do you wanna see how I do that?" Cole cocked a playful eyebrow at him.
"No!" Lloyd snatched the toy fast and brought it close to his chest. "I know all about how you 'solve' this stuff," Lloyd pouted and Cole started to laugh.
"What… What is it?" Jay asked out of curiosity.
Cole's laughter quieted and he picked a cracker from the food tray, let Jay stare at it for a few seconds then snapped the tiny snack into two with minimal force. Cole laughed again at Jay's surprised expression and Lloyd rolled his eyes.
"Once I even threw one out of the window," Cole confessed.
"Just once?" Lloyd pressed.
"Okay… A few." Cole busted into laughter again and his two friends couldn't help but join him. Shit, he couldn't believe he'd missed this so much, he didn't care anymore if they were laughing with him or at him. This was heaven on earth.
"Seems like you're having fun."
The three boys stopped short and looked towards the door, the princess stood there with a tender smile on her face, her brother and Zane right behind her.
"You could say that. If these damn puzzles can be considered any fun." Cole picked the one Jay had been handling earlier and threw it up in the air, catching it again in his palms.
"They are fun!" Lloyd caught the small object when Cole flung it up a second time.
Nya and the other two boys came further into the room, sitting around them on the couches. Kai plopped down with a low groan, head resting on the back of the seat as he looked up to the ceiling with a long exhausted sigh.
"Tired, babe?" Cole asked.
"Dead," the monarch mumbled, his body sinking into the fluffy cushions of the seat. Fatigue obvious in every inch of his persona. "I thought that meeting was never going to end."
"But you endured it magnificently nevertheless," Zane smiled at him, caressing a hand over Kai's arm. "You did great, dear."
"And we managed to clear any immediate issues," Nya added. "Your schedule is back to normal."
Kai snorted tiredly. After his revelation with Jay, the king had worked hand in hand with Nya and Zane on the kingdom affairs for three days, trying to get back on track as soon as possible. Cole understood; even if things were fine between the monarch and their guest, Kai's personal issues were rooted deep in him. Although the young sovereign had spent plenty of time with them these days, he'd also needed to be away at moments, away from the memories of the recent mess, away from all the guilt and despair they conjured in his maltreated heart.
Cole watched Kai, the boy did his best to regain his confident self, but he still had trouble holding Jay's gaze for long periods of time. The royal spouse wondered though —did Jay have as much trouble as well or was he relieved that Kai wouldn't look at him as much as before?
His doubts were left unresolved, for after they relaxed for a while together, they had dinner and later they all moved to the spouses' chamber. For the past two nights, Kai had slept in their room, taking shelter in Cole's bed and the strong bear hug of said boy. Scared to be left alone, or so had Cole thought.
After a couple pachisi games, Kai let them know he was tired and in need of some sleep.
"Sure, baby. It's getting late anyway, we should all head to bed," Cole commented and all his friends agreed. They were gathering everything when Lloyd spotted Kai walking up to the door instead of Cole's bed.
"Kai, where are you going?"
"Uh, my… room," he muttered, eyes down on the floor.
"What? Baby, you know you can stay here." Cole appeared by his side with a friendly smile. "If I'm too 'constricting' you can sleep with Zane or Lloyd, I won't get mad," he said looking at the other boys, both of them as eager to lie in the monarch's arms as the other.
"No, it's not that. I just… I want to sleep in my room…"
The way Kai's voice came out thicker than usual put Cole on edge and he grasped the brunet's hands softly. "Kai, what's wrong? You can trust us, you know that, right?" He brushed a stray hair and tucked it behind Kai's ear.
The young man looked around, the other boys had moved closer to them, even Jay.
Lloyd hugged Kai. "I won't kick you out of bed in my sleep, I promise," he said staring deep into Kai's eye. Cole suppressed a chuckle, Lloyd was like a cat in a room full of mice when he slept, always moving and tossing around, it was adorable that he promised he could control such a thing.
A weak smile reached Kai's lips. "Thanks, greenie, but… you've all been constantly watching over me. You… You deserve a rest."
"Love, you're not a nuisance to us. We're happy to take care of you," Zane exposed. Kai, though, didn't seem pleased at their insistence. He breathed a few times and took a step back, pulling away from Lloyd's arms.
"I know…" He said softly, pausing a moment before he gave them the real reason. "I just… I want to be able to do things all alone like... before. I need to prove I can be on my own, that I'm… not a scared kid anymore." Down his sides, Kai's hands turned into fists, shaking with both determination and fear.
"Kai," Zane stepped closer and cupped his face. "You don't need our approval, you are an amazing human being as you are, my dear." The blond hugged him and Kai rested his head on Zane's neck.
Lloyd scooted closer and wrapped his arms around the monarch once again. Cole was about to do the same when he was reminded of Jay. He grabbed the boy and pulled him into the group hug, noticing the way Kai stiffened for a moment as their bodies connected.
When Kai started to pull away, the others did as well, allowing him his personal space. "Thank you," Kai wiped the sudden tears away from his eyes. "But… I still want to…"
"It's fine, love. If you think you need it, then, please, go ahead. But remember, we're all here ready to help you at any moment's notice," Zane reminded him with a soft kiss on the lips that seemed to uplift Kai's spirit a little.
With no more arguments, Kai kissed his lovers goodbye and hugged Jay last, avoiding his worried stare. When Kai walked out of the room, Lloyd leaned on Zane, grabbing his arm.
"Will he be fine?" The shorter boy asked.
Zane didn't respond right away, the brief lull in him was enough sign to let Cole know that his friend was just as worried as the rest of them.
"As long as we trust him and support him —yes, he will," Zane finally said, gazing into Lloyd's vibrant eyes with reassuring love.
Cole detected a strange shift in Zane's voice —or maybe he was just paranoid at that moment— either way, his friend's advice wouldn't sink in. Cole had watched Kai all these years, suffering silently, even though the boy assured he was doing fine. They had all trusted him, supported him unconditionally, showered him with their undying love. Yet that layer of affection that had formed around the king hadn't been enough to protect him, for what really could hurt him came from the inside, from a soul that had been fractured long ago, way before the young sovereign even met his first spouse.
The guys moved around the room, getting ready for bedtime, all the while Cole stood unmoving on his spot by the entrance. He couldn't shake Kai out of his head.
"Pebble?" Zane appeared by his side, icy blues staring deep into Cole's brown gems. His pale hands clutched Cole's, rubbing his thumbs on the back lovingly.
"I... don't want him to be alone. He shouldn't be alone. Not now," Cole whispered, glancing at the door several times then hung his head in defeat.
Zane stared at the large wooden boards for a moment, then back at his restless friend. His lips opened and closed a few times, analyzing the situation before the final words came out of them. His cold hand reached up and cupped the side of Cole's face, bringing it up, their gazes locked onto each other. The anguish in Cole pouring from him in waves that hit Zane straight in the heart.
"Go with him."
Cole's eyebrows arched with surprise and he stared back at Zane, flabbergasted, voice gone. His friend's mouth twitched with a pitiful smile.
"I've already stopped you twice, I'm not risking bungling everything again."
"But…" Cole mumbled. "He said he needed to-"
"And you need to be by his side."
••••••••••••
Kai's eyes moved around the dim room. His heart already sinking to his feet as he stepped inside and the guards closed the door behind him. He hadn't slept in his own bed for three days, barely passed by the place if only to grab his daily outfit and makeup. It would get cold soon, the sun had already set long ago. He didn't want to think what would happen once he lay down on the mattress, alone, wrapped in soft yet chilly sheets. He was exhausted, but suddenly, the fear of his inner demons arising again kept him on edge as he dropped himself on the foot of the bed, trying to calm down.
He was ashamed of himself. What he'd said to the guys was true; he wanted to be able to take care of himself, be stronger, be the king everyone needed him to be. He wanted it so bad.
Deep down, Kai knew it —he knew his dad had been in the wrong when he called him all those names, accusing him of being different, weak, twisted. These few years without the man had allowed Kai to experience a freedom he never thought would be within his reach. But the harm in his heart had already been inflicted and he couldn't just shake his father out of his mind that easily. He was engraved in his brain, in the resemblance of their faces, in every nook and cranny of this room, in the bed he was resting on.
A knock on the door pulled Kai out of his thoughts. He barely granted permission when the entrance was already opening and making way for Cole. The monarch rose up from the bed and walked up to his spouse as the noiret stepped further inside.
"Cole, is something up?"
"Uh… No," his husband stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck, he seemed nervous. "I just… Well, I thought maybe you changed your mind about having company." He smiled at Kai sheepishly, face almost hidden in the shadowy ambiance.
"Cole, I…" Kai's fists tightened painfully, his blunt nails digging into the soft flesh of his palms. "I told you; I want to sleep alone."
"Oh, you can do that." Cole trotted towards the couches and plopped down on one of them, stretching his body all along the comfortable seat. "See? I can just doze off here. You know I sleep like a log no matter where," he tittered.
"It's not about that," Kai cut him, feeling an uncomfortable pain pushing up the back of his throat.
"Then what is it?"
The Maharaja turned away and gripped one of the bed columns, trying to keep his increasing anxiety concealed. Cole's steps sounded behind him, but the guy didn't touch him yet.
"Kai, what's wrong? I know I'm pretty dumb, but I don't like seeing you like this." Cole's voice grew louder and suddenly his breath was fanning the back of the monarch's head, making shivers run down his spine. He grabbed one of Kai's hands from behind and whispered softly, "Please, tell me."
Kai's resistance was crumbling like a castle made of cards. He wanted to throw himself in Cole's arms —those strong arms that, for a very dark phase of his life, had been his only haven, the one place where he could feel safe and happy to be who he really was. Cole turned him around very slowly, Kai didn't fight him, but he couldn't help the guilt and embarrassment coming back as he stole a quick look at Cole's shadowed face. Kai leaned onto the boy, resting his head on Cole's chest while trying to fight the impending sobs that were starting to stir in his stomach.
"I just… I want you to be proud of me. I don't like you having to watch me all the time like I were a baby," Kai finally muttered against the hard pecs.
"Kai, none of us think you're a baby. You're a strong grown-up man, and I am so proud of you. You've been through hell these days but you came out of that." Cole kissed his head.
"But you had to help me. You, Zane and Nya, if it hadn't been for you all, I don't know what-"
Cole shifted, drawing away an inch to cup his husband's face and pull it up to meet his eyes, which shone with love and deep emotion for the distressed sovereign.
"Kai, it's okay to need help. And we're all here to give it to you as many times as it takes. Not just me but all of us; Jay included."
Jay…
Kai still didn't know what to do with the boy. He'd said he'd forgiven him, but how could Kai look at Jay in the eye and forgive himself? The memories of that fateful night were still a blurry mess, but he remembered the boy's frightened expression when all hell broke loose inside his mind. And he couldn't erase that look. The imaginary might be brief, but it punctured Kai's heart with the force of a hundred daggers.
"How can you say that? How can you know he-" Kai commenced, but his husband cut him right away.
"Because I know what I see. And I see no remorse in him."
No remorse. How was that possible? How could Jay be so understanding after all Kai had put him through?
"You think… Jay and I… we can still… be friends?"
Kai didn't even dare to think about the possibility of a romantic relationship with the ginger boy anymore. He would be lucky if Jay even allowed them to be alone in the same room ever again.
Cole chuckled low. "You already are, silly. You just need to let it go and accept his forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Then you'll see it with your very own eyes."
Kai sniffed and tightened his grip around Cole, shaking a little as he tried to contain the sobs. His lover laid them down on the bed and wrapped his arms carefully around Kai, commencing a gentle rocking with his body all the while he applied kisses to Kai's hair and face. The Maharaja was instantly brought back to his teen years, when Cole would sneak into his room at night and hold him as they both fell asleep, talking about everything and anything. The same peace of mind he'd experienced at those moments traveled to the present and laid over Kai like a blanket, filling him with a sense of calmness he hadn't felt in days.
"Thank you," he mumbled, voice muffled by Cole's thick chest. "Thank you for… always being there for me, even when I'm..." A fucking mess, he wanted to say but knew Cole wouldn't back him up there. "When I'm… making it all difficult," Kai concluded.
Cole's lips quirked into a smile. "I promised you when we married, that I would take care of you for as long as I shall live. And I'm a man of my word."
"Cole…"
The two lovers held each other close as they sealed their words with a tender kiss. Cole grabbed ahold of Kai's nape when the Maharaja pushed up against him, adding more enthusiasm into the little action while Cole's fingertips tickled his scalp. Kai's breath shook over Cole's mouth as they kissed again and again, tugging softly at their lower lips, teasing the hot skin with teeth and tongue. It felt like a lifetime since these sensations last ran all over Kai's body. He trembled, somewhat startled at this passion that was coming out to the surface all of a sudden, igniting a desire he'd almost forgotten about. His leg hooked over Cole's waist and he drew his face back a couple of inches, staring into the dark orbs of his beloved. There was no need for lights, he could feel Cole's affection on him as their gazes locked in the shadows.
"Make love to me," Kai murmured.
Thank you very much for reading Don't be shy to leave a review! Your support helps me to stay motivated!
I'll be updating once a week again, most likely around Saturday.
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