I was honestly out of words. Nothing I could think of would explain my feelings right now.
All my anger, all the lust, all my feelings that were just about to explode rushed down to ground zero. This was it.
I knew it even without my inner telling me, I would have now to build a wall around my heart. Why was I even starting to think that maybe I could talk some sense to him when clearly all he ever wanted was to live the image he was showing the whole world.
I sighed.
„It's okay, Sasuke. I accept it but please whatever this was, let's just not ever repeat it.", my mind was now clear. Why did I not see it earlier?
It was not only Sasuke's fault but also mine. I can't get angry at him because it would not be fair. We both did wrong.
It felt like my mind has never ever been more clear than right now.
I had a big problem. I was falling for someone that was no good for me, again.
Thinking about where it lead me last time and I swore not even that long ago to myself that this wouldn't happen again.
Being so deeply in love with Dean I remember how I put all the signs in a box and closed it. Nobody was able to take the love glasses off my eyes.
When he got loud at first I thought okay, everyone shouts from time to time.
When he told me not to talk to any male neighbors I thought okay, it's because they only wanted to hear news they could sell to the press.
When he forbid to talk to any male, the postman, neighbors, workmates, cashier I thought, how sweet, he is jealous. He is just worried about other men because they wanted to take advantage of me. That's what he said.
When he first slapped my face, he immediately apologized and swore it would never happen again and I believed him, he just got a bad temper at times but he was just worried about me or was mad at me because I would break a rule he made.
When he grabbed my neck the first time and squeezed it that's where it lightly hit me. This bad, dark look in his usual bright blue eyes had something crazy in them. Later on he apologized again. Maybe he learned this time I thought.
When I went to work I always had to hide marks. Whether it be on my wrists or neck or elsewhere. I had to tell my girl friends that I was on my period or didn't have time when they asked me to go to the beach. Dean didn't like me to show myself in a bikini in front of strangers. I thought it was because he didn't want other men to see me and it was okay for me. I understood that because I didn't like it either when other women posed with him for pictures or when he let them touch his well defined six pack but he explained to me that he had to do that because it was his job. Actors need their fans.
Of course, he depended on them.
When he first put a gun on my back, it hit me - hard.
I wore a light summer dress, it was dark blue with delicate little flowers on it. It reached my ankles and it fluttered in the warm, light breeze. I just walked from his garden back inside his house and put the thin strap back on my shoulder when I felt it.
The cold, hard metal that was pushed in my back.
The light smile on my face froze.
„Rule 9?", he asked calmly.
„No talking to men.", my whisper came as delicate as the flowers on my dress. It was like my body missed air.
„Rule 10?", he asked.
„If I talk to men I have to report to you immediately. Tell you when, where and who it was.", I answered like a Roboter. I was used to repeat his rules, but I was not used to weapons.
„Then please tell me why you talked to Kevin?"
Shit.
„Sorry Dean, I saw him when I did the grocery shopping, I acted like I didn't see him but he said hello first and asked me how you've been as he hasn't seen you for a little while...", I talked as fast as I could feeling heat and cold rushing in my head.
„You went grocery shopping yesterday.", he pushed the gun further. „You broke a rule", his voice was cold as ice and his breath hit my neck causing goosebumps out of fear what he would do next.
„I'm sor-...", I went to explain myself but stopped when I heard a click coming out of the gun.
He pulled the trigger.
All that came out of my mouth was a strangled breath.
He pulled the trigger!
„Next time there may be a real bullet in it. This is my last reminder. It is just for your own good, Sakura.", his voice was back to normal and he pulled the gun away.
I stood still, unable to move, unable to say a single word. It was so damn easy to get a gun in the USA. Of course he would have one - for self-defense.
Being scared to death my mouth was open and my eyes were big, tears were forming. He said something again but I couldn't hear, I couldn't talk. I heard the click again and again in my ears.
Then he kneed me from behind into my knees and I fell on the floor.
„Oh baby, you know how I hate when you don't answer when I ask you something.", he sighed and I looked at him trying to get up.
My hair was in my face and with his right hand in which he held the gun, he pulled the strands away. The cold metal touched my face while he was at it. He evencupped my cheek while having the gun in his hand, and my mind went blank. This is too much.
I slapped his hand away which was still holding the gun and crawled fast to the door to the garden. I would scream and hope that someone would hear me.
My legs were still shaking, I wouldn't have been able to walk or run. My arms carried me further but then I felt his foot on my back.
„You honestly don't respect me, what's your problem? I'm here doing everything in my power to keep you save and all you do is disrespect me!", he yelled and kicked me one time with his foot on my back.
Still having no voice from the fear that went through me the pain only came out as a quiet moan.
He kneeled beside me and grabbed my ponytail and yanked my head up, causing me again to whimper.
His shark tooth chain was dangling from his neck and I looked at it. I knew that if I would look him in the eyes that it would provoke him.
„I'm sorry, Dean! I am so sorry! Please!", my eyes closed from the pain I felt everywhere, knees, head, back.
„You better be. I accept no more excuses.", he let go of my hair harshly and my head fell on the floor.
I heard his steps getting farther away when he asked what I would make him for dinner.
This was a toxic relationship. I was blind and in love. I thought that all his actions, all his words, all the pain was because he cared. But since when does love hurt? I knew what love was, my parents loved me.
Since they both died because of a disease I haven't felt love for a while. They loved me, so much that they worked and worked and worked hard to save money to make my dreams come true and when they died I didn't even have enough money to fly back and be there for their funeral. First mom, then my father. It broke my heart but there was just no money left to fly back to Konoha. The living here was too expensive and I often had to skip meals to save money. Only Naruto understood why I couldn't come. Back then they weren't famous, if he would've been he would've paid the flight, I just know that. But things in the past can't be changed.
But I can change my future and I will. I won't live like this any longer.
The only way to get out of this was to play by his rules. It would need time to save enough money for a new start in my old hometown but I was willing to wait.
I never made a mistake that big again. Only from time to time he would slap me or hit me. I was used to that so no big deal, I could handle it.
Months later Dean had a film shooting in Africa. He was going nuts about not being able to take me with him but the film cast said no to taking any other person with them if they weren't working for them. It was expensive enough. He first thought about sending someone to take me to the airport and bring me to another plane so that I would join him a few days later. But someone heard about his plan and told the others. Dean was put back in place and he was so mad about it that he took his anger out on me. Later he apologized for that and I said in a sweet, light voice that I understood his actions. He answered „and that's why you'll always be mine. Forever.", he took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead. A loving gesture. This always made me forget about the things he did, but not anymore.
The time came and I cried when he left. He made me write our email address a hundred times, so we only would write notes and the other would read it. No one else had access to this address.
He made new rules which I had to learn, for example call him every 36 hours. Even if he doesn't pick up I had to talk with the answering machine. He wanted everyday a photo of me In his house. The filming was planned to take 2 to 3 months in Africa.
I cried and acted as if I would miss him.
But in reality it were tears of joy, I have never felt so much joy before in my life. I hugged him hard so that he wouldn't be able to see the smile on my tears stained face.
He talked about how he finally would see that I love him till the end of the world and when he would come back that everything would change and we'd never separate again. I feared this moment. It made me realize that my plan had to work or else I would take this gun myself and put an end to it.
He wouldn't survive it.
I would not give up my life for someone that didn't deserve me. My love for him has died a long time ago. I'd finally be free.
The first day I waited. To see if he tricked me and would come back to see if I was there.
The second day I checked the mails, wrote him, talked to the mobile box and send him a photo of me in his house.
I prepared a lot of photos, with different outfits, different rooms, different make up, took them in a light room, then let the curtains down to make it darker as if it was night.
Took even some in the bed, different underwear - to only show him the different straps of my bra, sit In front of my meal for one alone, looking sad. Sitting in front of the windows, doing some tricks with photo shop so that it would look like rain outside. Of course also different hairstyles.
It was a lot of work, but it was worth it.
I saved enough money to buy me a last chance ticket to Konoha. Getting in contact with Naruto secretly.
The Moment came and I landed savely in the town I missed the most. I did not even say goodbye to any of my few friends left in the USA. There was no time for that and no one would be able to tell Dean that.
There was so much trouble I left behind and I just did not want to have trouble back in my life. I was willing to work hard to get the life I wanted.
My breathing was steady and I saw Sasuke with a calculating look on his face.
„What?".
„You heard me. I don't want to keep this bickering up. I don't want to do whatever we did again, it's not fair for both of us. It's not fair on Karin. It's not fair on Naruto who thinks that we are okay now with each other. We are not okay, there is no way we could ever work our differences out.", I simply stated.
There is no chance in the world that I would do a mistake like this again. I felt my inner coming back slowly. My heart warmed again as she finally made her way back into it.
That's right girl. No more heartache. We will find someone who's really there for us and loves us the way we are. We have lived with enough pain already. Just let him be and accept the fact that we have a soft spot for those kind of types.
We learned now that it's impossible to change them.
We need to think about us and decide what's best for us.
She was right. I looked at Sasuke and sighed. There was physical attraction I couldn't deny that.
But it was time to change. I got away from Dean, I have to get away from Sasuke. It's time to start the new life I wanted when I sat in that airplane.
„Can I go now? I would like to go to Naruto.", I asked friendly.
He didn't say anything and I didn't wait for an answer. I walked past him and our arms touched. He didnt even try to make me stay again or block my way. Maybe he understood now that he would have to find someone else to fuck up? Whatever it was I was glad that I could walk away without having to fight, without being scared that he would attack me and my heart felt so light that when I walked through the garden and passed the pool a light smile appeared on my lips. I finally found myself again and nobody would or could take my soul ever again.
When I entered the kitchen I saw my cousin having his mouth full of ramen. He grinned at me.
„Wont som?", the noodles hang from his full mouth. I shook my head. While he was still trying to get more noodles in his mouth I decided to talk to the person who was the first here to be nice to me.
„Hey, where is Shika?", I glanced to th livingroom. Without looking up he gave me a thumbs up for „first floor".
„Where is his room?"
He showed me four fingers and still didn't look up while being concentrated eating his ramen.
I walked through the hallway and up the stairs and knocked on the fourth door.
With eyebrows raised he opened the door. „Troublesome".
„Can I talk to you for a minute? I think I have to explain myself", I asked. Being the one that wants to talk was nothing new for me.
He walked back and let the door open „Dont know what there is to talk about".
„About what you saw this night", I said calmly and closed the door behind me. He probably expected me to yell for nearly telling my secret because he looked a little surprised.
„You were the first one that came to me and tried to make me happy when I wasn't. I don't want to be the one that ends a friendship because of keeping secrets.", well that was half true. There are just some thing that can't be told right now, or ever.
He looked at me expactingly and nodded for me to go on.
„I... I...", that wasn't easy and I took a deep breath. „I thought that I had some feelings for Sasuke.", I looked at him and now it was his time to sigh, he closed his eyes not interrupting me.
„I really thought that there was something but... it seems... I have a weird mindset about relationships.", I pressed my lips together.
He looked now right into my eyes „What do you mean?".
If I wanted to keep a good friendship with Shikamaru it would be time to open up, a little.
„Well, back in the USA I had a boyfriend. I thought that I loved him. But that wasn't love. That was just toxic, he ordered me around...", I paused. How much could I tell?
His eyebrows furrowed. „Well?".
„I stayed with him because I thought that's just what his love looks like. I was so glad to finally found someone that would love me the way I am. But in the end I realized that wasn't love.", I gulped. I had to keep the dirty out that happened back then.
„The Moment I came here I noticed that there were some similarities in the actions of Sasuke and my ex boyfriend. From time to time he showed me little affection and I thought that this could be more. But I realized that this is not what I thought it would be. Please Shikamaru, don't tell anyone. I don't want to be the person to hurt Karin or Naruto or ruin our friendship with that. I know what I did was wrong. But I just can't risk of loosing the ones I love. Please don't tell anyone.", I pleaded.
Shikamaru looked out of his window and stood up.
„But in the end you made Sasuke cheat on his girlfriend. Eventhough we don't like her it does not make it okay to hurt her. She is crazy about him. He may was also part of your doings but I thought better of you. I never thought that he would be able to work his magic on you.".
I looked at my lap. I didn't want him to be disappointed because of that.
„I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, that I ruined the picture you had of me.", my cheeks flushed. „I promise you that it won't happen again. I made things clear now with Sasuke and I think he understands, too.".
He sighed and turned around, his hands on the windowsill.
„I know that it was just not only you, Sakura. We know him for so long already and I knew the moment I saw him looking at you at our table that he wanted you. You have to understand, Ino loves you. It's also important for me that she still has a friend in you. Eventhough the other girls are great, I see that she really cares for you. If she finds out that you're not the person she thought you would be did that..."he sighed again. „Dear lord, what a drag. Your secret is safe with me. Just don't let him fool you again. We know Sasuke and we love him, it's just that sometimes he has a weird way of showing it. He never had to get the girl because they always came to him. He probably thought of you as a challenge.", he turned around. „I knew that it would temp him to try to get the new girl that has never heard of his successful career. Maybe there was even something in his mind that told him that you were right for him but it is not okay to do that when he has a girlfriend.".
I nodded, I knew he was right. Shikamaru smiled lightly at me „come here", he nodded towards the window where he stood.
I walked to him and he pointed with his finger outside. There were a lot of little pieces of... wood? And Strings?
„He just smashed the guitar you found in the pool house. I think that he does feel maybe something but he just doesn't know where to put that feeling.".
I couldn't believe it, why did it have to be something I had? It wasn't mine but still.
Well, so no more playing songs here I guess.
Shikamaru laughed a little „Well, I guess I was right. Seems that he is not taking it easy your break up".
I didn't say anything to this.
„Well what about your ex, how long have you been together?", he asked with pure curiosity in his voice.
„About 3 or 4 years. Can't remember it exactly anymore.", that was true. He never officially asked if we were together we just assumed it. So I can't really tell when it officially started because in the beginning he was not like that.
„Did you break up right before you flew back to Konoha?"
I nodded.
„How did he take it?"
I pressed my lips together and smiled a little. „Oh you know, he was ok with it. I think he realized that we weren't made for each other, too."
„So you are just friends now?".
What is going on with all that questioning?
„Yes sure, we're all grown ups, right?"
„Yeah... right."
„Thank you, Shikamaru. Honestly.", I said and walked slowly towards his door.
„Why do I have the feeling that you're not telling everything?", he asked and folded his arms.
I turned around and looked him straight in the eyes.
„Some things just don't want to be told, I ended the relationship before it ended me. That's all".
With that I walked away.
Hello!
Yesterday I zapped through Netflix and saw they had Naruto. Then I thought, hey... what happened to the fanfic I wrote loooong ago?
I tried to make a little chapter again, hope you guys like it!!
