Thank you for the reviews.
So you was going to get this Sunday... And I am fully aware that it is not Sunday. It is, in fact, Thursday (a day that I wasn't going to upload a chapter of this one) but I might have something for you tomorrow, if I get a move on when I get home from training later.
And this is a 3k+ chapter of Eddie trying to move on from Rachel, post S04E20.
Another song from World War Joy (called P.S. I Hope You're Happy) and one that felt more Eddie to me. It is a more slightly upbeat song and it does just feel more Eddie, like See The Way feels so Rachel. Maybe listen to them and tell me what you think. Now some of the lines of the song might not fit the little section underneath... it is just how the song goes and I didn't want to cut it up and use lines that might have fit it better (I felt the same about the previous chapter).
Plus... I think we are all Jane...
P.S. I Hope You're Happy
I heard you moved in with your boyfriend in New York
What's his name? I heard he works downtown in finance
Eddie knew that Rachel was surprised that he was still there. It was obvious when she told Philip to take her keys and get their stuff that she was going to wait until they had gone before she returned home. He didn't even hide the fact that he was still there, sitting at the bottom of the stairs, waiting to stand up when she arrived home. The sigh that she gave as she pushed the door closed with her whole body showed that she was not okay with this. Why would she be okay with it?
"Rachel…"
"Just go, Eddie. Don't make this any harder than it already is."
"I can't. Not with these." He said as he handed her the photos.
She stared at them for a bit before she took a few steps towards him. She may have been physically closer to him but he knew that she was just a shell of the person she had been that morning. This was the version of her that he never wanted to see and he almost didn't recognise her. This wasn't the strong woman he loved and he had done this to her.
"I don't want them." She said.
"And I can't have them."
It was the first time that she looked up at him and he could see the hurt in her eyes. But if Melissa was getting him and Philip, then she deserved something, even if it was just four photos and the memory of that day nearly a week ago.
He grabbed her hand and turned it palm up and placed the photos in her hand. He wrapped her fingers around them. He resisted the urge to kiss her fingers, giving her one last kiss. It would only make things harder for them.
"Look after yourself, Rachel."
She didn't say anything else to him. Maybe because if she did, she wouldn't have allowed him to leave. Something that he would never know. Because she never said anything.
Okay, enough, P.S. I hope you're happy
I started acting out when you moved on
"I don't want her knowing about Rachel," Melissa said.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't. Okay? Plus, I don't really think that you should be the one to talk about her. You'll give her a rather bais view."
"She was right. You are something else."
"Why did you go there last night?"
"Because I wanted to make sure that she was happy."
"What difference would that make?"
"It would help me move on." Eddie sighed. "If I knew that she had moved on, then I can start to move on. Philip was right. I wasn't about to move on because there was always a part of me that hoped that I could run back to her. When it goes wrong with you."
"Hasn't it already gone wrong between us? We could have been married, Eddie."
"Yeah. We would have been married, killing Rachel with that fact every day. I would be the third husband that you would be married to. Best thing Philip has ever done. And don't do all that again. He was trying to help you. We could have helped you but you just said nothing."
"Like Rachel would have helped me."
"Melissa, she put your own happiness before her own for all the time that we were together. She would have watched you marry me without saying anything. If you had gone to her and confessed, she would have helped you. She only announced it the way that she did because you weren't going to confess about what you did."
The front door closing stopped their argument temporarily. Philip popped his head around the door into the living room.
"Is everything okay?" He asked.
"How was the prom?" Eddie said.
"It was alright."
"How was the wedding?" Melissa asked. "Yeah, I know. Because he thought it was a great idea to go to the school last night."
"So you were the weird man that Lipsett saw."
"You were seen?"
"Well, I was grateful that it wasn't Tom or Steph. They probably would have dragged me into the hall." Eddie said.
"And I could still do what I said last night."
"Then do it, Melissa. Because I don't care. Run away again because at this rate, you should never have come back. I am going to tell my daughter about Rachel whether you like it or not. And you will just have to get over the fact that I will always love Rachel more than I ever loved you. I am the idiot that made that mistake and I have accepted that. Maybe you need to accept that all you did this for was for your own selfishness. Because you couldn't stand the fact that Rachel and I might actually be happy together."
Eddie didn't know whether he liked the way that Melissa didn't reply. Philip asked him later about what had happened the night before and Eddie would confess that Melissa spoke about taking Sophie away from him.
Like the night before, Sophie sensed her father's distress and started to cry.
"So is she still my daughter?" He asked.
He shook his head before he made his way up the stairs to his daughter.
"You came back to me," Melissa shouted.
"Yeah, because you said things would be different this time. I gave you a second chance." Philip shouted back.
Eddie bounced Sophie, trying to stop her from crying as the argument erupted between Philip and Melissa. It had been building and even though the household seemed to be full of arguments, Sophie seemed to be reacting worse to this one. Maybe because it was her brother instead of her dad arguing with her mum.
"You didn't have to."
"No, I didn't. And I shouldn't have done. I should have stayed with Rachel because she was a better mum to me in the months that you were gone that you have ever been to me."
"How dare you?"
"Well, it is true. Rachel may have asked me too many questions but at least she cared about where I went and who with and what time I might be home. You don't give a damn about me. You never have and you never will. Last Christmas was a perfect example of how you don't care about me and you care more about Sophie."
"Don't you bring her into this."
"She is the reason we are here. You knew what you were doing coming back. You knew that there was something between Eddie and Rachel but you just couldn't leave them to be happy could you. I wonder whether you had something to do with what Rachel did in her past."
"You don't blame me for Rachel's actions."
"Why not? I don't know anything about your childhood because neither of you will talk about it. How do I know that you haven't been selfish all your life?"
"You don't get to talk to me like that."
"Don't I?"
"If you don't like here Philip, then leave. I am sure Rachel would love having you around as it seems like I don't care about you."
"Fine, I will."
"It might make you grow up a bit Philip. Learn that things aren't as black and white in life."
Eddie waited for Philip's footsteps to go up the stairs before he peered into the kitchen.
"Don't you start as well," Melissa said.
He just shook his head at her before he followed Philip. He pushed open the door to his room to see him packing.
"Give me a few minutes Phil. I'll talk to a mate that I know rents out a couple of flats in the area."
"It's fine. I know Rachel's is empty because they went travelling. She asked me whether I would go around there from time to time to make it look like someone was there."
"Are you sure?"
Philip sniffed. "Yeah. Plus it will mean that there will be someone to greet her when she gets back. She would be happy to know that she isn't on her own."
"But she has Adam."
"When she should have you."
"Philip…"
"Make sure Sophie doesn't hate her as much as I do. She seems to actually be making an effort this time."
"Keep in contact though. Sophie has already lost Rachel from her life. I don't want her losing you too."
Philip nodded at him. "Of course I will."
What the hell? I couldn't help but check your phone
Who the fuck is "Drew from home" anyway?
Eddie looked around the hall with confusion and sadness. The confusion part was due to how many people were in the room. The sadness part was due to the fact that all these people were Melissa's family and therefore, also Rachel's. She was introducing him to aunties, uncles and cousins that he wondered whether Rachel knew about. Either that or she just never mentioned them, which saddened him more. She had a family when she always seemed to be so lonely.
"Have you still not found Amanda?" One of the cousins asked.
"No. Still looking though. She'll turn up at some point." Melissa said.
Eddie shot her a look, knowing all too well that they must be talking about Rachel.
"Your sister?" He asked.
"Have you told him about Amanda then? I wouldn't dare do that." Another of the cousins said.
The look that Melissa shot him made it certain that they were going to have a conversation about it later. Probably more of an argument than a conversation.
"Yeah. I know." Eddie answered for her. "I mean, if you are struggling, maybe check the deed pool. She might have changed her name. To something like Rachel."
The look from Melissa intensified and the conversation was definitely going to be an argument now.
"Never thought of that." The first cousin said. "I would change my name if I did what she did. Luckily Grandma and Grandad saved Melissa from that life before she was sucked in as well. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved Auntie Sarah but Uncle Dave… I really don't see what she saw in him. No offence Melissa."
"None taken," Melissa said.
As always, Sophie gave him the perfect opportunity to leave the conversation as she ran up to him and grabbed his jeans.
"Daddy, can I have a drink?"
"Of course you can." He said as he picked her up.
"Eddie…" Melissa started.
"It's fine. You catch up. I'll sort Sophie out."
He placed a kiss on Sophie's cheek as he walked away.
"How do you always know when I need rescuing?"
Eddie winced as he swallowed the beer before taking another look at the bottle and seeing that it was alcohol-free. Just another reason why he wanted to leave this party.
"For Uncle Jack. He is a recovering alcoholic. Been dry for 15 years and we would like to keep it that way. So, unfortunately, it is alcohol-free stuff for the rest of us. So as the temptation isn't there."
He turned to the woman next to him.
"So the rest of us have to suffer?"
She laughed. "You are definitely new to the family."
"And you don't find this torture?"
"The worst kind. So how do you know Amanda?" She paused. "Sorry. Force of habit around the family. Rachel. How do you know Rachel?"
"We used to work together. How do you know her as Rachel then?"
"I went to surprise Melissa and Philip one Christmas and she was there. She had been appointed head of a school in the area. Waterloo Road. Sounded awful but she had been working hard to turn it around and then she started talking about this guy. I don't know why Melissa didn't ask more questions but I did and she finally told me that his name was Eddie Lawson, he was her deputy and he had a son that she had helped reunite him with, although he wasn't too happy when it came out what she had done but she felt like he was happy for her little intervention." She paused. "Basically, once I got her talking about Eddie, she wouldn't stop. I hope that she is happy with him."
Eddie swallowed. He didn't like the situation he was in now.
"I've been so rude. Sorry. I'm Jane."
"Eddie. Lawson. The deputy and biggest idiot in the world."
Jane blinked at him a couple of times.
"But… but… you're… you're with Melissa."
"I did say idiot."
She hit his arm. "Idiot doesn't cover it. You bloody fool!"
"Tell me something I don't already know."
"And this lot wonders why I don't deal with men. You are all bloody idiots." She sighed. "Why the hell did you chose Melissa over Rachel?"
"I didn't. Rachel chose Sophie for me."
"What?"
"I made my move with Rachel when she was at her most vulnerable and I was drunk. I was even more hurt when I confronted her about hiring Melissa. She said that she needed an ally and Melissa was that person." He sighed. "It was bloody Stuart Hordley and the fire. I had asked her out that morning. Or I hope she saw it as me asking her out. We would have gone for that drink and… who knows what would have happened. The thing with Melissa started as a drunken night. That is all it should have been."
"I am liking you less and less."
"You make it sound like I like myself for it."
"Go on then. Make me hate you more. I mean, how bad can it get?"
"I… almost… married Melissa."
"While Rachel was watching from the sidelines?"
"Melissa… asked her to be her maid of honour."
"Why doesn't that surprise me."
"We didn't get married and after Melissa disappeared, we had our shot. I… I never thought that I could love someone as much as I love Rachel. We… we had a small falling out over her freaking out because the staff were talking about us. I mean, in the end, she was happy to go public but maybe it just… took her out of her comfort zone a little too much. I remember asking her whether it meant I could hold her hand in the playground, like we were a couple of teenagers. Although, I will never forget the way that she pulled my hand out of my pocket to hold it."
"So where does Sophie come into this?"
"Last day of the school year, Melissa turns up five months pregnant. Obviously, you know about Micheal and Rachel knew that I couldn't let another opportunity go." He sighed. "I do love her Jane. I… I got over Alison and all the other people that I have fallen in love with over my time. Just not Rachel. I just… can't get over her. Which drives Melissa insane."
"You are still a bloody idiot and she is the most selfish cow I have ever met. Dear God, what am I going to do with my youngest cousin? I knew I shouldn't have taken that job abroad but no. Melissa said it was a brilliant opportunity. I should have come back once I heard about the fire. But no. Melissa said she had it sorted."
Eddie snorted. "Not a big Melissa fan then."
"Her biggest fan," Jane said sarcastically. "I shouldn't have left Rachel to Melissa. I knew that she would never look after her properly."
He sighed as Melissa shouted his name. "I suppose I had better get back to her. Sophie has probably done something."
"I would love to say it was nice meeting you Eddie, but maybe it would have been better under different circumstances."
"What? With Rachel on my arm instead?"
"Most definitely."
There was another shout of his name and he gave Jane a small smile as he left her. God, why was he such an idiot?
And I will find a way, somehow
To be more than photos to you now
Eddie knew why he had done what he did all those years ago. He would never have been able to throw away those photos of him and Rachel and it broke his heart when he found out that Melissa had thrown out the only photo that he did have. He wished he had something to show Sophie. Just one photo to say 'That's your Auntie Rachel'.
"Daddy, why don't we see Auntie Rachel?" Sophie asked him.
"Because… She felt out with your mum."
"Right. But you're not with Mummy any more. Why don't you find her?"
"Because she wouldn't want me. There is a hope that she is still married and happy. Plus I wouldn't know where to start to try and find her."
"Philip?"
"Maybe."
"I just want you to be happy. You are happy when you talk about Auntie Rachel."
"I know."
I might not get over this
But I won't be sad for the sake of it
It wasn't a lot but Eddie always found himself laughing when Sophie laughed. Whenever she was happy, he was happy.
There were still occasions when he would allow his mind to wander. Where he would think about where Rachel was and whether she was still married and whether she was happy. Whether she did the same thing as him and thought about him on the odd occasion. Whether sometimes the memory of what they could have had becomes too much and she starts crying as he starts to cry. A memory that was filled with what-ifs.
"Dad, this new job, why is it so far away?"
"Because that is where the school is."
"But you are leaving me with Mum."
"I know."
"Dad… do you believe in fate?"
"Not at all."
"Really?"
"And neither should you."
"What if you get reunited with Auntie Rachel?"
"That would be a bloody coincidence, not fate."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"What if it was meant to be? I know you always say that you hope that she is still happily married. But what if she isn't? Married that is."
"I don't know Sophie. There is no point in thinking these hypothetical thoughts. Believe me."
She nodded at him a couple of times.
"What if I have a cousin that I don't know about? Or a brother or sister?"
"Don't."
"You never know."
"You have been watching too many TV shows." He said as he lightly hit her arm.
"But you do. Rachel was selfless."
"I am sure Philip would have said something by now. If she does have a child, then it will be your cousin."
"I hope she does."
"I always thought she would be a great mother. Just by how she was with the students."
"Or how she was with Phil. Maybe, when you are reunited, she can be a better mum to me."
"Sophie, really? You will only disappoint yourself. Believe me."
She seemed to quieten down after that but the only problem Eddie had is that it started his thoughts going.
He shook his head to try and erase the thoughts that were starting. He wouldn't reminisce. Not while he was with Sophie. Because she was all he needed to be happy. His little girl.
