Trying
"How did it go at the doctors?" AJ asked, walking into Jude's house with Punk where Sean let them in, a few days later.
"It was… as ok as it could have went." Sean nodded to them, walking through to the kitchen.
It had been a few days since Jude's breaking point into utter silence, and Sean along with the rest of Jude's family, had managed to get her out of the house and into a doctor's office.
"What did the doctor say?" Punk asked him.
They were extremely concerned for their daughter. They all were. And their heart broke for her, watching her have such a difficult time becoming a new mom.
"She was super nice. I could see Jude started to get comfortable with her." Sean said, "She diagnosed her with postpartum depression with psychosis tendencies."
"Psychosis?" AJ questioned, "As in… hallucinations and stuff?" She shook her head.
"Well yeah, it can be that but it can also be mood swings, delusions, behaving out of character… which she has." Sean said, "The doctor asked her a lot of questions about it and that's what she gathered. So they've gave her some medication to take and she has an appointment twice a week with a specialist." He nodded.
"And she's… willing to go?" Punk asked him.
"Yeah, well… if she isn't then I'm taking her by the hand and marching her there." Sean said, "The doctor reckons it can stem from the PTSD and the anxiety she had after she was raped." He said.
"I wish she didn't have to go through any of this." AJ shook her head. Her heart hurt for her daughter and all the mental struggles she'd been through at such a young age already. It didn't seem fair. She wanted to take all the pain and suffering from her. She would in a heartbeat.
"Yeah, me neither." Sean agreed, "But weirdly enough, after speaking with the doctor she did seem a little brighter. Not a big change but… I could see a difference." He nodded, "The doctor said that once this passes and she's back to herself, she might struggle with Mirren more. She might feel guilty or struggle to bond with her because of what's been going on." He said.
"She's great with Mirren." Punk shook his head, "She'll get there." He nodded confidently.
"So what's her appointment with the specialist for? Is it therapy?" AJ asked Sean.
"Yeah, it's sort of like therapy but with someone who works in that sort of field with postpartum mother's." Sean said.
"How has she been doing?" Punk asked. They'd come by every day to see Jude but she was either sleeping or she wasn't participating in much conversation.
"She's still pretty distant but… I don't know, I think she knows she needs to go and see someone about this. Before she was sort of in denial about it but I think she knows now." Sean nodded, "And she's started the medication today so… maybe that'll help her out." Sean said as Punk and AJ nodded.
"Has she been spending any time with Mirren?" AJ asked.
"A little. Not as much. I think she's trying to distance herself from her after the other night in the bathroom. I think she… feels like she did something wrong. Like she hurt her. I know she didn't but… she has been a lot more distant." Sean nodded.
"Hey, man. You know how strong she is. The important thing is she's saw a doctor and she's gonna get help." Punk said as Sean nodded.
"It's just so hard seeing her like this. It… It almost feels worse than when she was attacked. I saw her when she was pregnant. She was so happy and ready for this. She'd tell me all the things she was looking forward to doing with Mirren when she got here." Sean shook his head.
"Having a baby can affect mom's differently. It's an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times. And there's no explanation to it really. It just sort of happens. No one caused it. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't yours or Mirren's fault. She loves you guys just the same." AJ assured him, "Things will start looking up soon." She nodded.
"I'm just gonna go stick my head in and tell her we stopped by." Punk said as AJ nodded.
He left the kitchen and headed upstairs, knocking on the bedroom door before walking in quietly, looking over where Jude was sitting up in bed whilst the TV was on in the corner.
"Hey, Jude." Punk hummed with a smile as she turned to him.
"Hey." Jude nodded, "I thought I heard you coming in."
"Yeah, me and mom just came to stop by and… see how you got on at the doctor's office." Punk said, walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed facing her.
"Well, to sum up, they think I'm crazy." Jude nodded.
"No, they don't." Punk corrected as she looked at him.
"I'm sure Sean filled you in." Jude said as Punk nodded.
"Yeah, he told us." Punk said, "And it's ok. Tons of women feel the exact same way you are right now after having a baby." He nodded, "It's really common."
"They've put me on medication." Jude rolled her eyes.
"Yeah well it's to help you." Punk nodded, "It's to try and help you feel a little better. Sean said you started to feel comfortable talking to the doctor."
"Yeah, I guess. She was really nice to me." Jude nodded, "I've to go for one-on-one sessions twice a week with a specialist." She said, looking at him unhappily as he smiled at her.
"And I know you're so thrilled about that." Punk nodded sarcastically as she shook her head, "It's gonna make you feel better, babe. You need the help right now." He told her as she looked at him.
"I'm such a bad mom." Jude shook her head.
"No, no you're not." Punk shook his head, "You're a great mom. This… All of this has nothing to do with your ability to be a good mom."
"I never thought having a baby would make me feel as terrible as I did when I was raped." Jude shook her head with confusion, "How does that even make sense?" She questioned, "I was… I was so ready to meet her. I thought I was ready to be a mom." She shook her head.
"You are ready. You're doing it and you're doing great." Punk said, "You just need to take care of you first and then… then you can give her all the attention she needs." He nodded, "Your health is important right now."
He could definitely see she was acknowledging more than she had been these past weeks. She was actually addressing the fact she needed help and that was a big step in Punk's eyes. He wasn't sure if it was the fact she'd spoken to a doctor, or she'd started new medication but any small progress was good progress.
"I just thought I'd be better than this." Jude shook her head, "I don't know what happened." She whispered with tears in her eyes.
"It's nothing you did, baby. I promise you." Punk nodded, reaching over and drying her tears, "Mirren is so damn lucky to have you. I was there when you had her. You're ready for this. This is just a little bump on the road and trust me, parenting has lots of them sometimes, some bigger than others, but you get over them." He said as she nodded.
"I don't know if… if the whole therapy thing and feeling like this is just taking me back to when I was raped. And maybe that's what I'm thinking about." Jude shrugged. She was in and out of her right mind, thinking about her state of mind and what emotions she was feeling, trying to figure out why. There was a mix of everything and she couldn't quite put her finger on it.
"Maybe. That might be why it's difficult." Punk agreed, "But you got through that before and I know you can do it again." He said.
"I hate him for leaving me with this." Jude shook her head, drying her tears as Punk nodded.
"I do too." Punk agreed.
"I hope he's burning in hell." She whispered as Punk nodded again.
"Again…. I do too." He said as Jude smiled a little, looking over at him, "Thea and Cassie send their love. And they want to know the second when you're ready for them to come visit. They're desperate." Punk smiled as Jude nodded.
"I guess I wanna see this specialist first." Jude nodded, "I don't know why it's taking me so much effort and struggle to leave the house. It's exhausting feeling like this."
"It's… it's a mental illness." Punk nodded, "And it deserves the same treatment and care that any other illness gets." He emphasised as Jude looked at him, "We're all there to help you with whatever you need. I know it might seem daunting right now, thinking about ever feeling good again and… back to normal but you'll get there. I know you will." Punk said, "Little goals, right?" He reminded her as she smiled a little.
"Yeah." She nodded quietly, "Yeah, little goals." She mumbled.
"The biggest step is realising you need to take care of yourself and get help." He said, "And you've done that. So keep going." He nodded encouragingly as she nodded.
"I don't think Sean is gonna wanna marry me now." She said as Punk shook his head.
"What?" Punk shook his head.
"I think he's mad. And I… I feel like I've ruined all of this for him. For us." Jude shook her head, looking down, "This was supposed to be special and I've made it a nightmare."
"No you haven't." Punk said, "Sean is just worried about you. He's not mad." He assured her, "His main focus is for you to get better."
"It's just hard to think I'm gonna feel better from this." Jude shook her head.
"I know but you will." Punk promised her.
"I wasn't even gonna go to see the doctor today. Sean literally took my hand and pulled me out of the house." She shook her head, "And then I… cried in the car before getting out, like a child." She said.
"You can't be hard on yourself right now." Punk shook his head, "Your feelings and emotions are valid. Don't abuse yourself." He said, "And when you see this specialist just… tell him or her everything you're feeling. Get it all off your chest." He nodded.
"It just reminds me of going to therapy before and talking about being raped." Jude shook her head.
"I know, but you can talk about anything. Whatever is on your mind." Punk said, "Just empty it all out. Don't be afraid to cry." He nodded as she sighed to herself.
"I'm sick of crying." Jude rolled her eyes.
"Then cry about being sick of crying." Punk nodded as she smiled a little, "Put you first right now."
"I should be putting Mirren first." Jude shook her head.
"Mirren is fine. Sean's got her and it's not like you're going anywhere. To be the best mom you wanna be, you gotta take care of yourself first." Punk said.
"Yeah, I know." Jude nodded. She was becoming more aware of things. She'd got lost within herself for such a long time and it took her being dragged to the doctors to realise how abnormal she had been acting and how steep the path she'd fallen down was.
"I love you and we're all here for you, always." Punk assured her as she nodded.
"Thanks, dad." Jude whispered.
"Come here." Punk sighed, leaning over and wrapping his arms around her tightly as she hugged him back.
Her heart was so big and full and at times, after what she'd gone through, he felt like he'd lost her a little bit. And when he saw her struggling like this, his mind would torture itself by thinking of her as a little girl, bright and bubbly, full of character and soul. It broke his heart to see what she'd grown up to and gone through in her life. There was a time where she was the only member of his family that came to see him in prison. She never gave up on him and he never, ever would give up on her. That was a promise.
