The rest of the crew drove off in the Hank Hill car, leaving Chicago in the metaphorical, and in some cases literal, dust.
"Where are we going now?" Ask Hank Hill who was driving his car on the road.
"We need to get to Vermont!" Bernie shouted in a way "there are two important items that we need to find, in order to defeat the billionaire who is hurting the working class people of our country"
"This is troubling" Ron Paul said Ominously, "The most direct route will take us through Oh*o"
Everyone gasped
"There has to be a better way" Jeb! Pleaded. "Ow!" Jeb! just felt an emotional punch in the gut that he cannot fathom.
"I can put up some basic protections" Vermin Supreme said, casting protection spells on Hanks car, "but it can only do so much"
"HHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh" said Beter.
"This is something we must do!" Bernie said defiantly, "No matter what dangers await us in Oh*o, we can persevere. Together, we are strong!"
Bernie did a group huddle with everyone except Hank Hill who was driving, "Here's the plan. Supreme, keep casting protection wards on the car. We'll need every bit of help we can. Jeb!, use your power of "Slow and Steady" to watch out for potential attacks, and alert us before they can hit. Beter, use any and all cutaway gags at your disposal to buy time. Ron Paul, your Katana skills will come in handy if anything gets too close to the car. Danny Devito, you must become the Trash Man. Former Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill, catch them off guard with a play-action pass, our run game has been strong and they will surely take the bait. I will use the power of the Orb to ward off the worst of the threats. This is how we will survive this thing, by working together!"
Everyone put their hands in together, "Win on 3! 1, 2, 3, WIN!"
They crossed the border into Oh*o. All light was sucked from the sun, leaving void where it once was. The roads inverted. In the distance, Bernie could see a large being that was made up of thousands of hands. It was taller than two Shaquille O'Neals (which is a lot of tall). Bernie concentrated on the orb, and was able to connect to the creature's minds.
"Begone Demon! The Orb Mother's power far surpasses thine own!" Bernie shouted in his mind.
"ThOuCanthOpetodeFeaTOh*oItspowErConSumEsAllmOrtaLswHoenTer"
"In shadow you were born and in shadow so you shall remain! Come not further towards our car!"
The creature turns around, crawling away from the car.
Ron Paul stood on the roof of the car, slicing at neon fish like creatures that ambushed them from the tall grass. "There's too many of them! I need some backup!"
"This reminds me of the time I was in Star Wars"
The scene shifts to Beter sitting in the Jedi council room, hiding behind a chair. Anakin skywalker walks in, drawing his lightsaber.
"Holy brap! This is scarier than the time I got lost at the supermarket!"
Scene shifts to Beter at the Supermarket, he is crying and alone.
"Wah! I lost my mommy!" a young Beter cried.
"Perhaps, I er uh, can be of Some Assistance"
"Holy brap! Former President John F. Kennedy!"
"That's er uh right Betah. I will save you! And then, I er uh, will SAVE Americah! And by save, I mean fuck, and by Americah, I mean lotsa women!"
"Wow, I'm more relieved than the time Ron Paul defeated those eldritch abominations!"
The scene returns to the car, Ron Paul standing victorious. He wipes a drop of sweat off his brow. "I don't know how you do it, Beter."
"A large tumbleweed is heading your way!" Jeb! shouted, as a mass of wriggling bodies in the shape of a tumbleweed appeared over the horizon.
"I can't take that one out," Ron Paul said, "Hank, Step on it!"
Hank put the literal petal to the metaphorical metal, and "stepped" on it, resulting in acceleration.
"We're not getting enough speed" Bernie noted worryingly.
"I got this!" Danny Devito said, covering the whole car in lube.
The flesh tumbleweed tumbleweeded past them, missing the car.
"We're not out of the woods yet," said Jeb!, "there's something BIG up ahead!"
Over the horizon, they saw a tremendous, pulsating black heart, the size of a city.
"Cleveland," Ron Paul muttered.
"How can we get past that?" Vermin wondered aloud.
"More like, how do we get PASSED that!" Ryan Tannehill who was also there said.
Bernie looked confused, "Sorry, I do not get the pun"
"You can't go through Cleveland, and there's no way around it, so you need to go over it" said current Tennessee Titans quarterback Ryan Tannehill.
"You can't mean…" Jeb! who has watched football before said, "but what about you"
"It's the only way" Ryan Tannehill said somberly. He exited the car, and picked it up with his right hand, and dropped back to pass. Looking for an opening, he threw the car downfield, clear of Cleveland. He smiled as the ground began to swallow him.
"Thank you," Bernie said, a tear sliding down his face, "America will not forget your noble sacrifice"
The car landed, and was able to clear the Oh*o border. Sunlight and life seemingly returned to the world as they passed into Pennsylvania.
And then they also passed into New York since there wasn't that much of Pennsylvania to drive through. Everyone was pretty tired and also hungry and thirsty from the experience, so Hank pulled into a local tavern. A poster outside the tavern had Benshapiro's face and said "Do not serve this man".
"Hey didn't Obama destroy him?" Jeb! asked?
"I think he respawns after a few months" Ron Paul statmented, "Perhaps it's best to stay on lookout"
So stop me if you've heard this one before. 4 politicians, two cartoon characters, and Danny Devito walk into a bar. The first politician said, "Why the long face?" and the bartender responds, "I'm underpaid due to your fiscally conservative economic policies". The Bartender's name, AOC.
"I think you got the gag wrong" AOC said, "my line is 'why the long face' and you're a horse or something"
"Yeah, my material's a bit rusty" said Ron Paul who was fiscally conservatice.
"Well at least your socially liberal" Ron Paul smiled when he heard this.
"Aoc, we need your support in this battle against the Donald" Bernie said, "In order to do this, we need an unprecedented grassroots movement!"
"I think you're being a little too on the nose there" said Ron Paul noting the political commentary.
"Nevertheless, we need the power of your ability Green New Deal to aid in the upcoming battle!"
"Of course I'll help!" Aoc smiled, "There's just one thing I need you guys to do for me first"
"OF course," Bernie said, "Mutual aid is key to our species survival"
"Alright, so there's this guy, he's really weird and robotic, and he comes in here every night asking for pictures of my feet. I have no idea what this is about but I can't get rid of him."
The door opened.
"Aoc, I am once again asking for your feet picks"
"Get lost!" she said throwing a glass at him. The glasss shatters disrupting his face.
"Classic ad hominem fallacy. You liberals always defer to personal attacks, rather than engaging me in the marketplace of ideas. If you were truly logical than you would not need to hide behind violence"
"It's ok! He may be strong, but together we can overcome any obstacle" Bernie said reinforcing this week's message.
Aoc smirked and activated Green New Deal causing vines to grow from the ceiling and constrain Benshapiro.
"Another logical fallacy" he grunted.
Bernie used Feel Za Burno to light the vines on fire, engulfing Benshapiro into flames.
"Ad Hom-" he wretched before the flames doth consume.
"Thank you for the assistance" Aoc said democratically.
"Well this is perfect!" said Jeb! "We have a place / to stay the night, we have a new friend, we won some battles, and we will be in Vermont soon to find Bernie's item!"
"An item?" Aoc questioned, "are you like on an rpg quest?"
"Marianne told me of the 3 sacred treasures that I must collect to defeat the Donald" Bernie said showcasing his Orb, "I have 'the Jewel' already, and I think I know where 'the Mirror' may be lurking."
