Kay shouldn't have done that. No, no, she really shouldn't have done that. Why did she just stick a big sign on her back that read "Kill me, Light"? She was stupid and naïve and felt invincible enough to challenge Light head-to-head. She has a reason to not kill him yet, but the necessity wasn't mutual.
Wait! Ryuk had said some time ago that he would kill Light if he wrote down Kay's name in the Death Note. Does Light remember as well? Will he dare to challenge Ryuk for bluff? Would Ryuk even still kill Light? What if Light killed her in a normal way without using the Death Note? Would any of this matter? If Light killed her in any way, shape, or fashion, then she won't be around to be affected by whatever the shinigami decides to or decides not to do.
Her challenge was a dangerous and tactless move, to say the least.
'On the chance that Light doesn't even remember, then I'm dead no matter what. If that's the case, I should do as much as I can to find this proxy Kira as fast as possible before I'm killed off. If Light does remember and finds the loophole by killing me without the Death Note, then the best chance of my survival would be removing myself physically from Light's clutches. But, if we're not on the same page, then my sudden movements might spur him to make actions that he wouldn't otherwise have thought of making. So, I either stay put and risk being murdered, or I flee to who-knows-where and risk tipping Light off to my thought process and get killed. Why the hell did I have to get cocky?'
Her things sat in boxes in the guest room, and she wasn't sure if she should actually unpack or not. Multiple times, she picked up her phone to call Matsuda or Aizawa, but she never got past scrolling through her contacts. Part of her wanted to be completely selfish and just whine about her life until it was magically fixed without her having to do anything, but part of her wanted to just shut them all out and pretend to not exist until she was either executed under the law or under Light's pen.
Back and forth, she paced in a light t-shirt and a pair of shorts, one hand behind her back and the other lifted up so that her index finger could be perched between her lips. Back and forth, she paced in a trance of gong between hypotheticals as if she were flipping through the channels of a television. It infuriated her that she couldn't predict what Light was thinking, and it infuriated her more that she couldn't do anything without raising suspicion in at least one person's eyes.
'If I want to survive, I may have to enlist the help of this mysterious N. Secure my innocence while also helping to find the proxy while staying exactly where I am. I should ask Aizawa about it, but I may be denied since I left the investigation years ago.'
Kay picked up her phone again, and she put it down again. The moonlight shining in through the window of her new bedroom illuminated the place, casting shadows that kept her on edge, though she didn't know what she had to be afraid of regarding the darkness.
The two girls finish brushing their teeth before they crawl under the covers of the master bed. Nozomi quickly curls up against Kay's side, and the two talk of plans for the next day until the young one falls asleep. Kay smiles as she tucks the hair in her face behind her ear before she carefully reaches over and turns off the lamp, erasing the light from the room. She soon falls asleep as well, snuggled up next to the joy in her life.
A pang in Kay's chest knocks the air out of her lungs, and she gasps in an attempt to breathe as she clutched the corner of the table. Almost anything brought Nozomi back into Kay's mind, and it was as if her daughter was dying in front of her eyes all over again.
Her legs wobbled as she shakily cupped a hand over her mouth so as to not audibly cry out in agony.
Now, the mortician leads them over to the small, black bag before unzipping it. Kay gasped before crumbling, shaking, as she cupped a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries.
So cold. So pale. So lifeless. Too young. Her daughter's eyes were closed, and they would never open again. Her daughter's arms were stiff at her side, and they would never be able to embrace Kay again. Her lips were blue, never to emit laughter again.
Kay choked and sobbed, unable to reign in her emotions anymore. Memories that she would pay to forget were resurfacing, determined to drive her to the brink of insanity. Her face was red as her cheeks became soaked with tears as she made incomprehensible noises, trying to drown out the feeling of insufferable weight trying to crush her. She let go of the table and her mouth, instead moving to claw at her throat, desperate to breathe.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" she whispered to herself, her hands forming into fists to slam against the sides of her head multiple times as she grit her bared teeth. Once again, she found herself grieving for everything she lost, from the car wreck that took her parents, to the Death Note that took her sanity, to Light that took himself and her two children. Everything was just out of reach, taunting her with the joy and peace of mind that she knew she signed away the moment she wrote the first name down in the godforsaken notebook.
Then, Kay's crying turned to muffled chuckles that then turned into giggling. She covered her face with her hands, her eyes peeking through her fingers to look at the floor. The room began spinning, and Kay fell onto her back, still laughing.
Understanding that Light may be having Ryuk track her movements and whereabouts, Kay takes two notecards and uses one to inscribe coordinates for the middle of a heavily-wooded forest and, with the other one, writes, as small as she can, "Aizawa, I am saying this at the risk of being killed as my name and face is known to Light, but I find myself making negative progress by returning to Ryuzaki's mindset that Light and Kira are the same person. The mere idea of such a possibility makes me want to retch and scream at myself for ever thinking such a thing, but I'd rather hate myself for voicing my idea and being wrong than hate myself for being quiet and being right.
"I'm sorry for making you come out to a secluded area just to find and read this note, but, if I'm right, I fear that Light may have sent a shinigami to watch and report back any and every movement that I may make. If so, then I could very easily be killed by doing this. Even though this is actually a high possibility as I don't think I have immunity when it comes to Light anymore, if I ever did, I am contacting you as I believe we can either clear Light of suspicion or convict him if I can talk to N, the real new L.
"Do not speak of any of this to anyone besides N and in person. If Light is Kira, then I have no doubt that he's bugged the Task Force's phones and computers so that he can track any and all activity. I wouldn't even trust postal methods as those can be intercepted. Do not rewrite this message. Do not take a picture of this message. Commit it to memory and then burn it to ashes. If N agrees to hear what I have to say, then he knows where to find me."
