Asoryuuweek Day 2 - Memories
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Ann.: Post DGS 2-5.
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"You're not concentrating today." Barok jumped out of Kazuma's sword range and pointed the tip of his own sword to the ground, his other arm behind his back for better balance. "You're distracted."
"Let's continue." Kazuma lifte his weapon at breast height, ready for another duel but Barok shook his head again, shifted his weight and slid his sword into its scabbard in a fluent movement.
"Take the day off."
"No." Kazuma lowered his sword too. He felt it in his body, in the way his muscles twitched when he moved. He was used to hard strain on his body. He was used to be tired out until he couldn't stand upright anymore, and to be beaten for failure, to be confronted with pure bodily exhaustion. He also knew to clench his teeth and continue on fighting. The moment he'd stop moving would be the moment he'd break down, unable to get onto his feet again.
"Disciple." Barok walked off their marked fighting field, fastening his belt on his hip, and picked up his coat. "We're done for today."
He left Kazuma standing alone.
Kazuma clenched his teeth. He hated how the other prosecutor kept on treating him. He had tolerated it when he had been without memories but he hated how it was now that he had his memories back. Hadn't this been his life all along, being looked down on by all the people around him? The people at university laughed at him behind his back. Yuujin, ouf of all people, had never trusted Kazuma enough to tell him the truth about his father's death. The British people disdained him for being Japanese. And even Naruhodou …
Kazuma doubled over. Sweat ran over his cheeks and dripped off his chin, splashed onto his trousers. The drops left little splashes on the dark fabric and would turn to salt if he didn't wash his clothes later.
Kazuma decided that it was no use thinking about it now. Maybe Barok told him off but it was no reason to back off, not for Kazuma. Instead, he would return to the office and go through the paper work one more time. Yes, and he would prepare the trial to crush his opponent under his heel. The British people in the audience and the jury would tremble before a Japanese prosecutor and they would see what he was capable of.
You won't be up against Naruhodou. Would a victory even mean anything if you can't prove yourself to him?
Shut up. Kazuma buried his face in a white towel that he had put down on the side of the fighting field. To be fair, this place was just a backyard behind the Prosecutor's building and led to the stables, not a real practice field. Not many people passed by here though and at this time of morning the sun shone directly into the yard and was in comfortable contrast to the early day's cold. Not that somebody who moved around in a sword fight would feel the cold at all.
Kazuma pulled his shirt over his head. He could feel sweat trickle down his spine as well, past his belt into deeper regions – he might as well take a bath before heading back to his paperwork but there were no bathing facilities here in the Prosecutor's building. Well, not that he had high expectations of those. The fancy British people loved their fancy schmancy things, their bath houses were extra-class and prosecutors were expected to go there - of course. Those bath houses were completely different from Japanese onsen baths, or normal bath houses to count the places Kazuma had liked to go to. The British …
"Asougi!"
Kazuma turned around upon hearing his name and didn't expect to stand face to face with no one other than Naruhodou. Naruhodou …
"Good morning." Kazuma lifted his shirt and wiped the sweat off the sides of his neck with the rough fabric.
"I see you are in best spirits? It's a … uh … fine morning." Naruhodou smiled awkwardly and kept his gaze fixed on Kazuma's face. Kazuma reciprocated the gaze in silence, and didn't give away how he felt.
He didn't know.
"I guess it is", Kazuma finally replied. He turned his back to Naruhodou, picked up his things and coated himself to hide his toned body away from prying eyes. He could feel his partner's eyes, he didn't need to see them to be certain of it. Some day ago this notion of being watched, being looked up to, had filled him with pride, gratefulness, so many positive feelings he couldn't count them all. Naruhodou had been the only one to look up to him when the rest of the world kept looking down on Kazuma's inability, his mistakes, his past, so many negative traits he couldn't count them all.
"Were you practicing just now?"
"Yes. Van Zieks forced me to take the day off." Kazuma motioned Naruhodou to follow him with his sheathed sword in hands. Why was the attorney even here? Didn't he establish in court last time that their relationship had changed, and even if they still were friends there was nothing more to bind them at each other anymore?
I have to apologize to you for making you join me on this journey to the British Empire, Kazuma thought about saying.
I'm not sorry. If not for you the Asougi name would have never been avenged. I would have kept the shackles around my wrists forever.
I hate that you don't look up to me anymore. It makes me remember how ugly I am.
"How is he as your tutor? Does he ever smile? Does he praise you?"
"Why would he praise me?" They entered the Prosecutor's building and Kazuma could feel the cold air consume the warmth under his coat. He shivered.
"You're doing a good job. No." Naruhodou took a pause to think and Kazuma noticed how serious he looked. So much had happened to him. And he has become the greatest of them all, like you had predicted he would. I'm proud. At least one thing I did right …
"Remember I once told you that you would become the best attorney in the world?", Naruhodou said and their gazes met. Kazuma looked away. "At that time I thought it would be about defense attorneys but I'll be honest, it doesn't matter. You're becoming the best prosecutor now. And all the English people will fear you! You never back down from a fight, Asougi, you're valiant and you come out victorious. I'm proud."
Kazuma stopped, turned around to Naruhodou. His face was made out of stone, beautiful coolness but so hard, so unmoved.
"Why are you here, Naruhodou?", he asked. Naruhodou's mouth formed into a misshaped O but he recovered quickly.
"I missed you."
I don't exist anymore.
Kazuma's head flinched to the side and he bore his teeth. "Missed?", he repeated and wanted to take up his walk but Naruhodou grabbed his wrist and held him back.
"I'm not your enemy, Asougi." They stood there for mere moments, staring at each other, before Naruhodou let go off Kazuma's wrist and averted his gaze. "I will never be your enemy."
Silence settled between them. Kazuma watched Naruhodou with closed off facial expression, studied the man who was standing in front of him, maybe in search for sympathy or something that would remind him of home, or whatever he tried to find -
"I'll join you for a walk", he said. He was being too harsh - this was still Naruhodou, still a part of his home. Maybe the only part that was left to him.
"I- How did you know?" Naruhodou still reacted like he used to behave. The innocence in his face, the wide eyes, the hidden smile in the corners of his mouth. Kazuma wanted that they'd never change. He wanted them protected.
"You are easy to read."
"Oh."
"Wait for me, I'll be back in some minutes." Kazuma picked up his path to walk toward his room and pick up new clothes. Waiting for some minutes when Naruhodou had waited for a year for his friend's return … what was the prize to pay?
Kazuma did not know. He had paid an awful prize for the reunion. He had paid with blood, sweat, tears and memories and he had got back his memories and his sweat but would there be anyone who could ever repay the blood he lost? The time he had to pay?
He settled with plain dark clothes, dressed up (sad that he didn't have the time for a bath), and hurried back to where Naruhodou was waiting for him. Naruhodou stood with his back turned to Kazuma at the window and looked up to the sky with a dreamy face.
"It's just like the Japanese sky", Kazuma remarked. He didn't know why his mouth moved on its own to say those words. He hadn't meant to say them out loud. They were so cliché.
He leaned next to Naruhodou and followed his gaze, watched the clouds hurry over the sky.
"Do you remember how we used to watch the clouds at Yuumei together?"
"I remember." Did Naruhodou know how much meaning the word 'remember' had, and what a feeling of dread it had been to have waken up without memories one day, empty, without a past and history, scared for some reason and not able to find the reason?
Kazuma lifted a hand to his brows and sighed. The moment he'd stop moving would be the moment he'd break down. He couldn't afford to break down. "Let's go."
"Along the river Thames?" Physically Naruhodou had to look up to Kazuma, especially since Kazuma was wearing heels. It was but a little victory and yet it made Kazuma's heart beat easier in his chest.
"What's so special about the river?", he asked. Naruhodou laughed.
"Nothing, really. We don't have the Thames at home, so I thought you'd like to make some last memories together."
Oh right. Naruhodou would be returning to Japan again since Kazuma was alive to complete the exchange program. Kazuma would stay behind alone again. He shouldn't mind because he had been alone for such a long time. It was nothing new.
He minded.
His hands behind his back clenched into fists.
"You are a lucky man, Naruhodou", he said. They walked onto the main street and mixed with the British people, two strangers in this town. The pedestrians didn't pay him any more attention than they had when Kazuma had still been wearing his mask and yet Kazuma thought he detected some sort of animosity toward himself.
"And you have changed." What did you know about change?, Kazuma's first reaction to shout out was. But he held back.
"I am not the only one who changed." Did Naruhodou know about his fierce aura? About the fighting spirit in him that would make people sink back instinctively, did he notice how people didn't bump into him but into Kazuma?
"Asougi, I-" Naruhodou licked over his lips and Kazuma forced himself to look away. He focused on the cold morning air in his lungs and he focused on dodging pedestrians who crossed his way. He didn't know where they walked. "I can't go on like this. I don't know where we're standing. I don't know if anything happened to us and if we're good. I- you're …"
They came onto a bridge and Kazuma noticed that Naruhodou wasn't by his side anymore but stayed behind so he stopped too and looked back. Naruhodou seemed so small with the people dodging him, the sky in his back and nobody by his side. Kazuma remembered how he had seen Naruhodou like this one time already – more than a year ago, in a defendant lobby, when their roles had been reversed. When Kazuma had been telling Naruhodou to chin up and keep his shoulders straight. Would it be the other way around? Could it be the other way around?
Kazuma walked closer to be in ear shot. "I'm still in love with you", he simply stated. Naruhodou's head shot up. Kazuma crossed his arms in front of his chest. There was this feeling in his chest he remembered clearly. It was confused, yes, but it was still there. Despite everything. And it was only fair to let Naruhodou know as well. Despite everything. "I knew you had the spirit of a fighter inside of you. I'm proud to know you and I'm proud that the British court had to acknowledge you too."
"Asougi ..." Was it enough? Was it enough to keep them together or had the British Empire brought them apart, unnoticed by themselves?
Naruhodou closed the distance between them and reached out, hesitated. He touched Kazuma's hands lightly with the tip of his fingers, looking down on them so that Kazuma could not see his face. Kazuma turned his palms up and took Naruhodou's hands in his, enclosed the warmth in his cold hands. Could he voice his doubts in a moment like this?
"I wish … I wish it could have been different", Naruhodou whispered. It almost died away under the noise of the carriages on the streets but Kazuma still heard him. He relaxed his shoulders (he hadn't noticed how much he had tensed up) and leaned closer against Naruhodou but not close enough to touch him, just inches away from his skin. Did he even deserve this man?
I wish I wasn't broken. I wish I could allow you to fix me. I wish the world wasn't so cruel, Naruhodou.
There were so many things Kazuma wanted to say but the words built up in his throat and he didn't say a single of those. So he stood in silence and listened to Naruhodou's whispering, took in the kind words that seeped through his skin and attacked the poison inside his soul, and just let it happen.
Oh if only moments like those could be more frequent in Kazuma's life … maybe then he would be able to rewrite the bad memories with good ones.
