Truth Chapter 49 - Introspection, Luke-Style
Finally, a chapter with a name. I'm totally into the pilots' conversations, so that will take up at least one more chapter. 'Bout time Luke made some friends and started maturing...a bit. No reason to get carried away with adulting. Thanks for commenting and reading!
OooOoo
He didn't want to rejoin the squad yet. The confrontation with Boss had been exhausting. He needed time and space to recover. And as far as he was concerned, a little socializing went a long way. There was a small viewport with just enough room to wedge himself into the corner on the floor if he tucked his legs close.
Yesterday and today—krit, the beginning of a very bad week...or with luck it was the end of a bad week. Dad, Jovay, Boss….everybody was down on him. It wasn't fair. Okay, he understood his father being mad that his son had basically destroyed his future. And Boss...well, in retrospect last night must have been embarrassing for him. Not for Luke, because he'd been high and had gotten himself out of worse fixes on Tatooine. Although... he really didn't want to think about what had almost happened… because, thinking about it… well, it didn't seem like the worst idea in the universe.
Unless his dad found out, because he figured Vader would have an unreasonable reaction to his son's less than stellar behavior.
Jovay...that had been unexpected. Like a dam breaking and flooding a valley—he'd seen scary news vids of people killed and homes vanished in an instant. How many years had Karas held back those resentments? Force! He hoped the officer hadn't spoken to his father that way or Luke would never see him again. The thought occurred to him that Jovay might worry that Luke would repeat the accusations to his dad. Surely he knew there was no chance Luke would snitch on him after all they'd been through together. Besides, his father had told him to never waste an asset needlessly, so there was no possibility of that happening.
Lately it seemed like a lot of his father's instructions were actually useful. He hoped he'd remember more of them. Had he paid enough attention when he'd had the chance? Or had he squandered his opportunities… what if he never got to hear any more advice? What if all he knew now from his dad were the only things he would ever know? What if he forgot something? What if he never was able to ask his dad anything else? What if….
Think of something else.
Anyway, Jovay was wrong. He was right, too, but when faced with the choice of saving friends and family or saving the vagueness of a galaxy, Luke suspected that most people would choose the first, especially without time to consider the consequences. But nothing ever would make him sacrifice his father—
Even as he thought about it, the memory of his dad's desperation swept across him. He'd known his father's plans, his hopes, his dreams— and brushed them aside like they were meaningless to save the Alliance base.
And killed two million people while he was at it.
Luke rested the side of his face against his knees. That had been a lose/lose scenario no matter which choice he had made. And now there were people crying everywhere, millions and millions of them...some in their own transports. They would always be there in the back of his mind, an echo of endless losses whispering and damning without words. Maybe there was a Force way to turn them off, but he shouldn't learn...even if his dad decided to teach him again. All those tears should stay with him so he'd remember forever. So he'd be prepared to make a choice next time and anticipate the consequences. Because, as experience had taught him, there was always a next time.
His dad had said that, too.
Think of something else.
A voice intruded—a real voice outside his head—and he curled himself tighter, willing himself invisible or at least projecting do-not-disturb. It worked, and whoever it was left him alone. Sorry, he might have said but didn't because he wasn't sorry, he was thinking.
So...Mad Dad, Bad Dad, Sad Dad. His heart was breaking, and he knew his dad's heart was breaking too. Or broken, maybe had been so broken in the past that it couldn't break again. Boss said he'd turned his own protective barriers into a prison...maybe that's what had happened to his father too. Maybe it was The Curse of the Vaders...which would be a great title for a holofilm.
Stars, he pretended his dad said in his head, where do you get these ideas, my son?
Oh, Dad…. Luke's sigh turned into a tremor that racked his body, and he tightened his grip around his knees. How do you break out of a prison of your own making? Seemed like it should be simple. But a real prison had bars that you could see and guards and blasters. But a prison in your head—did it have limits? Could you take one mental step after another and eventually be free of it?
Not that he knew what a 'mental step' was. Although….
He slid open the fold inside his boot and pulled out the packets of spice. This was a real act, not a mental step...or was it? For just a second, he considered that Boss might be pleased and proud of him, thinking that his scolding had worked and Oz had had an epiphany—he'd learned that word from his dad— But that wasn't the reason… or was it? Why was everything always so complicated? Why couldn't things be clear instead of cloudy? If his dad were here, he could just ask. It seemed like forever since they'd talked but it was only...two days ago...no, yesterday? How long had they been in hyperspace? His dad could explain about time and space if only—
Think of something else.
He squeezed his hand around the glitt. This wasn't an easy choice. Last night had been sort of...enjoyable, and today he felt more awake than usual. He could hear and see better—and feel, he felt so much and so little, both at the same time, almost like he was standing back and watching himself feel. Was it the drug? Would he be like this if he just had a few crystals at a time? Would he not get hooked, just be aware? Did glitt break down his Force inhibitions too? His dad said it would have the opposite effect.
And his dad warned him that spice use was a problem psychologically if not physically, and he already had enough problems with that, trying to shake the identity of Son of Vader (whom he was) while hanging onto Oz (whom he wasn't), which he was stuck with for awhile unless he could figure out a way to be Luke Skywalker (whom he also was). Which didn't seem likely. Somehow he had to merge Skywalker and Son of Vader, and he realized that hadn't occurred to him before. Of course! It was so obvious. So...hmm.
Still...he put one packet back in his boot. Just in case. Backup. Everyone should have a wingman.
His dad had been his wingman, letting him fly while protecting—
Think of something else.
Biggs—Biggs, his other wingman (or rather, according to the Alliance's altered storyline, he had been Biggs's wingman) but he couldn't think about him, just couldn't, which was strange. Was it because Biggs had been his last link to Tatooine? Why would he care about that? Anyway, Biggs wasn't his last link. He'd met Jovay there and...and his father.
His father, still stuck in the prison that he wore, both on his body and in his mind. Stuck there forever. If Luke hadn't shown up, his father would have never attempted his plan for freedom and gotten his hopes up, because his son had turned out to be his only hope.
His only hopeless son. Ruined everything.
Confused you are.
Yeah...wait...who said that? He wished it was his dad, but it didn't sound like him and he didn't seriously think Darth Vader would disguise his voice, so it must have been his own wandering, messed up brain. Dad….
There had to be a way out, a way to free his father and rid the galaxy of his tormentor. Unless his tormentor wasn't Palpatine. If his dad was his own tormentor then no one could help. "Except me," Luke whispered. But he couldn't do anything until his dad relented and reinstated their link. Don't contact me, his father had said and he'd tried anyway, a few times, before giving up and deciding to respect the order. Because maybe that's what his father wanted, just a show of obedience before he reinstated contact.
Never rely on the futility of wishes. They are merely dreams we create when reality is difficult and we are weak. That lesson was a memory, not his actual dad talking in his actual head. Oh, how he missed—
Wait. His dad had said something...something about only providing guidance while allowing him to explore and find his true self. That wasn't quite correct, but it made him wonder if that was what his father was doing now. Setting him free to find himself? If that was the idea, it was a pretty cruel way to go about it. Even Darth Vader wouldn't be that mean.
So unless he had a suddenly exquisitely beautifully perfectly brilliant idea, there was nothing to do but wait. Patience had never been his strongest virtue—if, indeed, he had any virtues—but he had to practice. For his father's sake. And if—
"Go buckle in. We're coming out of hyperspace in a few minutes."
He hadn't heard Boss approach! This was much more deep thinking than Oz should do if he wanted to keep safe from people sneaking up on him.
Except he wasn't Oz. They could call him anything they wanted, but he was Luke Skywalker-Vader and he always would be.
It wasn't such a bad name after all.
Luke unwound his legs and stood, his right fist clenched. He considered it for a moment, then studied Boss's expression. It was completely neutral, his eyes blank.
Luke opened his fingers to expose the bag of sparkling purple spice. He lifted it toward Garven, held his eyes and gave a little shrug. "It's a start," he whispered.
The bigger hand opened, palm up, and Luke dropped the packet into it. Boss held his gaze.
"Is that all of it?"
Krit krit krit! He blinked and glanced away.
"Give me the rest."
"No."
"All right," Boss said surprisingly, "but what I said earlier still goes. When I find it, you're out of the squad."
"No!" Luke struggled for an answer. "I just need...to keep some until I figure out...it does something to the Force, to what I feel...and it might be better. Or stronger. Or worse. I can't tell yet."
Dreis sighed. "Give it to me. I'll hold onto it for awhile."
Luke's lips parted as he searched for a win. "What if you get caught with it? You'd be in trouble and I wouldn't want that responsibility."
Boss actually laughed and shook his head. "I don't know where you come up with these ideas," he said, sounding like Dad, "but that won't work. Give it over."
Gods. This was like arguing with Vader. With just about the same amount of non-success. "Fine!" He bent, pulled the bag out of his boot, and slapped it in the outstretched hand. "There! Happy now?"
Boss met his eyes for a moment longer before nodding. "Go join your squad."
Luke bit his lip and held back the grin that was struggling to be free. "Yessir! Thank you!" He paused. "And despite what you believe...I do know who I am." I think. Kinda sure anyway, Mr. Luke Skywalker-Vader.
This wasn't quite the outcome he'd wanted...but how hard could it be to sneak a bag of stuff back if he really needed it? Piece of cake. Birthday cake.
OooOoo
"You're alive!" Porkins crowed.
"Damn, I wanted those clothes."
He smiled at the irrepressible Janson. "You can have them."
"You serious?"
"Yeah." Those clothes belonged to Oz. He might miss them...or him...but…. "I just have to go through the pockets to remove my millions in credits, then they're all yours. And I expect to see you wearing them."
"Great!" Janson looked at him slyly. "Then maybe someone will call me gorgeous."
"W-what?" Luke stuttered, accompanied by the sounds of laughter from the others. "Boss!" he accused.
"It wasn't me." Their squad leader spread his hands.
"C'mon," Hobbie said, "you know it's Gossip Central around here. Haven't you noticed people looking at you?"
Luke groaned and laid his head on the table.
"Aww." Janson put an arm around his shoulder. "Daddy, our Baby Oz is growing up. He's almost an adult."
"Very almost."
"Barely almost," someone else murmured.
"How'd you fall for it?" Porkins asked. "Just out of curiosity...in case I'm ever in the same position."
Luke raised his head and sighed, struggling to see the humor because they weren't judging him, just teasing. Amazing. "Well...he did say I was gorgeous and since none of you guys ever say that—"
"Buckle in," Boss said, sounding like he'd repeated that a few times. "We're about to—"
And the lights blurred, then steadied, and the huge form of Yavin came into view in the distance.
"That's a big sucker," Hobbie said with admiration, and for some reason they all found it hilarious. The trip had been so long, so tiring—
"Where are we going?" Luke asked uneasily, his voice barely audible above the laughter. Something wasn't right...no, not exactly, more like there was a potential for something wrong.
"You're the one who said we're going to Four," Wedge said quietly. "That must be it coming on the screen now. Valiant's going in first."
"No. I mean, yes, but—" He saw the first transport line up. "No. Don't let them land, not there! Boss!"
He stood and… there were images of...nothing. No patterns, no thoughts...yet there was something. He wasn't sure how he got from the pilots' table to Command so quickly, but he was there and his nemesis Dodonna was staring at him.
"What do you want?"
"We have to stop!" They weren't going to listen to him and why should they? Luke closed his eyes, trying to focus, conscious that his hands were reaching, palms out as if he could touch whatever it was. "It's...I don't know…" Blurs became pictures though they didn't make sense. Words whispered, but he didn't understand them. Not quite, but….
Clear your mind. Focus.
"It's...sacred land."
He opened his eyes, staring at nothing. "Sacred land…. We shouldn't be there. Stop them."
"Young man—"
"Stop. Please."
Hesitation. Looks exchanged.
"Stop," Luke repeated in a whisper. "We can't be there. We'll disturb them."
"Valiant One, break off and regroup. All transports stand by."
Luke blinked, astonished that Dodonna had actually listened to him.
"What do you see?" the general asked.
He looked at the man who didn't seem so scary now. "I don't know exactly. There's… not life, but… memories… that don't want us here. We should go to the other side. Not here. We'll never have...peace...here." He bit his lip, unnerved by the silence in the huge room. He shrugged, helpless to explain further.
Miraculously, Dodonna inclined his head. "Lieutenant, program in new coordinates to the opposite side of the moon and convey to all transports." His eyes flicked across Luke's face. "Thank you," he said, and Luke wondered how much those words had cost.
Luke hesitated. Might as well get it over with. "General...I apologize for what I said to you... uh, yesterday. It was inappropriate and the...the threat was not something I would ever...uh, do," he finished awkwardly.
Dodonna's expression didn't change, but Luke could feel his mild surprise. "Apology accepted. Now get back to your squad."
Probably now was not the time to ask for his identification chip. He returned to Red Squad and sat, conscious of the stares and the extended silence.
"So," Zev said slowly, "you're a Force Sensitive." It wasn't a question.
Luke shrugged. "I guess. Maybe. Sort of. Yeah."
"Phew, that's a relief," Janson murmured. "I thought there was something serious wrong with you."
"Thanks." Luke frowned at him.
"Huh. I had a friend like you once. Made a lot of money following his advice on the races." Zev gave him a half-smile. "Lost it again not following his advice."
"What happened to him?" Luke asked softly, worried that any Force user's tragic end would be his too.
"Got rich and moved to Cantonica," Zev said disgustedly. "Probably still there. And here I am."
That earned a round of chuckles, and Luke shot Zev an appreciative glance and saw Boss do the same.
I have friends, Dad, Luke said in his head but didn't send the thought. Real people who like me just as I am... That hardly seemed possible, but apparently there it was and he wasn't about to argue.
Thanks, Dad.
Luke smiled and joined the others as they began to gather up their gear for landing.
OooOoo
