Therapy
"If I say the word trust to you, what's the first thing that comes to your mind?" Tracy asked, sitting in her office with Jude, "What's the first thing that jumps right into your head?" She asked.
"My mom." Jude nodded as Tracy smiled.
"You're close to your mom?" Tracy asked as Jude nodded.
"Yeah." Jude said, "She always knows what to say." She nodded, tucking her hands up into her hoodie, pulling her knees up to her chest as she sat on the comfy chair.
"Why do you trust her so much?" Tracy asked.
"I don't know… shouldn't everyone trust their mom?" Jude shrugged.
"Well they should be able to, yeah. Not everyone can." Tracy said.
"I guess throughout my life, things have changed, things have happened, good and bad." She said, "And my mom's always been the one constant thing in my life." She nodded, "She's just always been around." She shrugged.
"And your dad?" Tracy asked, "Is he in the picture?"
"Yeah, yeah he's in the picture." Jude nodded, "He went to prison when I was seven. Got out when I was fifteen." She said.
"I see." Tracy nodded.
"But he's always been there for me. Even in prison. I… used to take my homework into the visiting room. He'd help me." Jude remembered, "I used to sneak him snacks too." She smiled fondly, "You can get away with a lot more when you're a kid." She said.
"Yeah, for sure." Tracy chuckled a little, "Sounds like you have a good relationship with him."
"I do." Jude agreed, "They've always done their best for me and my sisters. I recognise that more as I've grown up." She said.
"Some people can hold things against their parents if they deal with trauma later in life. Some people trace it back to their parents and… it feels better to blame them." Tracy said.
"I don't blame them for anything." Jude shook her head, "I really don't."
"That's good." Tracy nodded, "What about your sisters? Remind me of their names again?"
"Thea is my big sister. Cassie is my little sister." Jude said.
"So you were in the middle?" Tracy asked as Jude nodded.
"Yeah." Jude said.
"Did you ever feel like you were… in the middle?" She asked as Jude looked across at her.
"Sometimes." Jude nodded, "When my big sister was ill, she had a drug addiction when she was a teenager." She explained, "I kinda felt like I was invisible, maybe." She nodded, "My mom would be trying to split herself in half. Take care of my big sister and… my little sister. I feel like maybe I kinda got mixed up in the shuffle." She shrugged.
"What age were you when your sister was ill?" Tracy asked.
"Eleven." Jude nodded, "I uh… I found her one time in her room. She was taking a seizure. She was… choking on her own vomit." She said, "I just… I remember thinking she was gonna die. I was sure of it." She said.
"That must have been hard to see." Tracy nodded.
"It was." Jude said, "And I couldn't understand why she did it. I was mad at her. I was mad that she was doing that to herself and all of us had to just stand by and watch." She said, "But she's been clean for a lot of years, thank you very much. And she's always been there for me." Jude nodded.
"Sounds like you really have a good support system around you." Tracy smiled.
"Yeah that's why this is always so difficult. I don't want them to feel like they've not done enough. And that I have to come here as a last resort." Jude shook her head.
"What you're dealing with right now… depression, PTSD, anxiety… none of that gets cured with a good family, unfortunately." Tracy nodded, "But it certainly goes a long way." She said as Jude nodded, "What about your boyfriend?" She asked.
"Fiancé actually." Jude nodded.
"Oh, forgive me… and congratulations." Tracy smiled.
"Yeah, he proposed after I had Mirren." Jude nodded.
"That's sweet." Tracy nodded, "How did you both meet?"
"I met him at the police station." Jude said, "I was there with my sister, we were there to report something and… he was there." She smiled to herself, "I got his number and it went from there." She said.
"Was this before or after you were attacked?" Tracy asked.
"Before. Just a couple months before, actually." Jude said, "I never expected him to stick around. I really didn't."
"Why not?" Tracy asked.
"Well I felt like he barely knew me and… now I have this thing I have to carry around me all the time-"
"This thing? What thing?" Tracy shook her head.
"Well… being raped." Jude said, "It's like, it's always with me. Like it's become part of who I am."
"You know that's just not true, though. Right?" Tracy asked.
"But it's what I feel. Whether it's true to you or not. It's how I feel." Jude said, "It's always there. And yes, I know it was something traumatic and it probably won't ever leave me but… I can only go so much with it controlling me and my life." She shook her head.
"But… your fiancé did stay with you. You guys are clearly very happy and he clearly doesn't look at you as someone who was raped. He… He probably looks at you as someone he loves, someone he wants to spend his life with, someone he wants to raise a family with." Tracy said as Jude looked across at her, "And you're worth all of that, Jude. You really are." She emphasised.
"I thought this part of my life would be when I… I could start to move on. Really move on." Jude said.
"And you don't feel like you're moving on?" Tracy asked.
"Feel like I'm going backwards, actually." Jude shook her head as Tracy looked across at her, "Like it's getting worse."
"You have any idea why that might be?" Tracy asked.
"I don't know, I… for so long I've just had to take care of me, and keep myself sane, and keep moving forward." Jude nodded to herself, "And that was difficult but I managed it." She shrugged, "Now I have Mirren. And she needs my attention. She deserves my attention."
"And she'll get it." Tracy nodded, "It's about a balance. You can still be a hands on mother and take care of yourself. Unfortunately it can be something mother's forget to do from time to time." She said, "But it's manageable. I'll help you with it." She assured her as Jude nodded.
"I hate the way it sounds. As if… she's the problem." Jude shook her head, trying to keep her tears at bay as Tracy reached over to the glass table where some tissues were, ripping some out and handing them over to Jude.
"I know that's not how you feel, and I bet your family know that's not how you feel." Tracy said, watching as Jude dried her tears with the tissue.
"I just hate that he did this to me." Jude looked at her, "He left this with me. He's making me live with this for the rest of my life and… for what? What did I do?" She shook her head.
"You didn't do anything." Tracy shook her head.
"And it's always… oh, did she lose her friends that night? Was she a bit drunk? Was she wearing a skirt? Was she flirting with him?" Jude rolled her eyes, "What about the real simple answer that… a rapist raped me. Why is it so hard for people to believe that?" She shook her head as Tracy looked across at her.
"Because society has this weird thing about not wanting to believe there inhumane individuals out there who are capable of such a… violent act. No one wants to think that someone could just rape someone, but it happens, every day." She nodded, "Most likely the rapist is someone the victim will know-"
"Yeah, well… check." Jude nodded.
"Are you ok talking about him?" Tracy wondered.
"Yeah, I should be fine. He's dead so… it's easier." Jude nodded bluntly.
"When did you first meet him?" Tracy asked as Jude looked across at her.
"When I was seven years old." Jude nodded, biting the corner of her mouth to keep herself from crying anymore, "I thought he was nice. He was kind to me. Funny. He was there for my sister when our dad went to prison. I thought he was… a really good person." She said, "Sometimes I think there were two different people. The Jackson I knew as a kid and then… the other one."
"Did he spend a lot of time with you as a kid?" Tracy asked.
"Yeah, well… average, I guess. He started dating my sister so he was around a lot more, until he tried to… kidnap her and beat her up." Jude shook her head, "That's when the shift happened, I guess."
"Did you ever see him after he attacked you?" Tracy asked.
"No… no, he was dead before I got the chance." Jude said as Tracy nodded.
"If you'd gotten the chance to look him in the eye and say something… what would it be?" Tracy asked, scribbling some things down in her notebook.
"I just wanted to know why." Jude shook her head, "Why did he drug me and… rape me?" She said, "I'd want him to feel what I feel. And I'd want him to know that my life has never been the same since. I feel like a completely different person to who I was before. And I don't really know how. I just feel different." She said as Tracy nodded.
"Do you remember your attack?" Tracy asked her.
"Some of it, yeah." Jude nodded, "Not in full."
"Do you ever get… flashbacks? Nightmares?" She asked.
"Yeah, from time to time." Jude nodded, "I can be lying in bed sometimes, on my back, and I just feel like something heavy is on me. Like I'm suffocating." She said as Tracy nodded, "I haven't been to a bar at night since it happened. Not even with Sean." She said, "I know that nothing bad will happen to me but… I'm still terrified." She shook her head as Tracy nodded.
"I assume it's because you have associated it with your attack." Tracy said, "Is there anything else you can't do? Or anything you've changed?"
"I don't eat Christmas dinner." Jude nodded, "My mom makes me tacos instead." She laughed a little through her tears, "The first Christmas after my attack, we all had tacos." She smiled as Tracy smiled too, "It's just reminders, you know." She dried her eyes.
"What are some things that help you? What's something that is guaranteed to take your mind off of things?" Tracy wondered. She was still trying to get to know Jude and get a sense of who she was as a person.
"Painting, drawing… whenever I'm looking at art or… doing it, I suppose." Jude nodded.
"You're an artist?" Tracy asked.
"It always sounds so big headed when you say it aloud but… yeah, I teach art at the institute." Jude said, "And I do some stuff on my own."
"And that's what always helps you?" Tracy asked.
"Yeah, that and hiking." Jude nodded, "I've not gotten to do much of either recently. And again that sounds like I'm blaming my poor two week old daughter but… it's way more to do with me than it is her." She shook her head.
"You'll find time to do those things again." Tracy nodded, "Right now you've just… you've hit a bit of a wall." She said, "What kind of things do you like to paint?"
"Uh… anything, really. I guess it depends where my head is at. I painted Mirren's nursery like a safari. Well… I've still to finish it actually." She realised.
"You did? That's incredible. Like a mural?" Tracy asked.
"Yeah. Monkey's, giraffe's, tigers… when she gets older she'll probably hate it." Jude laughed a little.
"That's amazing you can do that." Tracy nodded, "I think Mirren is gonna have a lot of fun with you when it comes to arts and crafts time." She smiled.
"I hope so." Jude laughed a little. She felt safe talking to Tracy. It was incredibly hard to open up and talk about things again, but she did feel weight lifting from her shoulders in some form.
