AN/ I wrote this a couple of years ago. Thought, maybe some of you would enjoy reading it. You all stay safe and healthy in these crazy times.
Rowan
I have only blurry memories of the boy I used to be. Looking at my early childhood pictures feels like looking at a stranger. Miserable he stands in the picture with a baseball bat between the tiny hands. His lips don't smile. I never smiled much, before they let me transition.
….
For a moment I consider tearing the picture apart and tossing it into the trash. My two mothers know that I hate reminders of my life as a boy. There is a box up in the attic with blue baby clothing. I don't know what they kept it for.
My fingers start pulling on the stubborn photo base paper when the doorbell interrupts me.
Finally, I think, and she's only half an hour late. This must be a new record.
I open the door and there she is. Her black curls are frizzy from the humidity. Her cheeks are flushed red. But her smile, her smile brings sunshine to my very core. I swallow a sigh. She's so pretty, and so very much off-limits.
"So-r-ry," she mumbles. "My Moms made me a tearful goodbye scene. I thought they would never let me go."
"It's ok." I hug her, allowing myself to inhale the scent of her shampoo. She is still using this kiddy no-tears strawberry stuff. It's sweetly and fruity and for me irrevocably connected with Hope. I hold her, longer than I should but not nearly as long as I want to do.
Eventually it's her who pulls back. She walks inside and sits down at the couch, hugging a pillow against her chest. "Both of them cried so much. It was dreadful."
"They knew this was coming for…like six months now. I am glad my mothers aren't the dramatic sort of parents. They told me to study hard at college and stay away from the drugs."
Hope shrugs her shoulders. She is not the academic type. The main reason she signed up for college is that the thought of being freed from her overprotective Moms is most appealing to her.
Bella and Ali are alright but because Hope is their youngest, they tend to make a too big drama out of everything that has to do with her. I have seen them cry over every baby tooth she lost. Now, she is leaving for College in another state. I can imagine it must be difficult for them to handle this.
"Are you finished with packing?" Hope asks. "If we want to be in California before it gets dark, we should hit the road now."
I nod. "Yeah, sure, let's go. I will be ready in a minute. If you want to drink something before we go, help yourself."
I head for the bathroom at the end of the hallway. There is nothing more disgusting I can image than having to pee at a germ-contaminated motor way station. The only thing that disgusts me more is my own body. I have developed a habit of ignoring my genitals to a point of perfection. I hate that thing down there. I hate that I have to endure living with it for four more years.
If I only had the money, I would be on a plane to Thailand fucking right now.
I wash my hands and apply another coat of lip gloss on my mouth. My passing is perfect. Nobody who doesn't know would ever guess the secret I am hiding down there. The fact I am a girl born in a male body.
God doesn't make mistakes but when he fucks up he does it thoroughly.
The others in my group therapy have told me I was lucky. Lucky because I had parents who loved me enough to let me become who I was. They let me change my name. They allowed me to go on puberty blockers and hormones to save me from going through a male puberty hell. They sued my school for not allowing me to use the girls' locker room. Yes, I guess, I was lucky compared to others. I had people love me enough to fight for me.
"Oh my gosh, you were sooooo cute." Hope holds up my toddler picture and waves with it. "Just look at you. I want to pinch those wittle cheeks."
"Crap," I grab the picture and toss it into my handbag standing next to the couch. I feel too embarrassed to throw it away in front of her. I will save that for when I am alone again.
"Are you okay?" My best friend knows me enough to sense my frustration. Still she doesn't grasp fully that her comment offended me. It's like when she was sick with period cramps and told me that I don't understand how it's like. Yes, sure, I don't understand how it's like, but I want to know.
"We need to go." I state. "Do you want to drive first? We can switch later."
Hope is so much shorter than me that she needs to adjust the seat in my car and sit on a pillow. The car is loaded with bags and suitcases. My medication is stuffed in a cooler on the backseat. Those estrogen injections are my life. If I had to choose between having food to eat or get my shots, I would happily starve.
"Did you pack your meds?" Hope asks as she pushes the key into the ignition.
"Did you pack yours?" I ask back, leaning back against the cold leather of my seat to get comfortable. The car smells still like new. I wish they would have let me have my surgery instead of getting me a car for a graduation present.
"Of course I packed my heart medication. I don't need my mothers sending Dad after me to make sure I didn't get sick again."
Hope has a weak heart but it's the biggest heart anyone can imagine. She is gracious and loving and kind. I don't know anyone who has ever met her that didn't love her from the very first moment on. It's not different for me. I always loved her. But now that I am in love with her things are more difficult. It is hard to be in love and keep it a secret. But I am a pro with secrets.
I don't want to get into a relationship with someone before I had my surgery.
"Nobody at College needs to know about my heart, right?" Hope stuffs a slice of peppermint bubble gum between her rosy-tinted lips. "I don't want to be the sick girl everyone pities."
I give her hand a gentle squeeze. "Your weak heart is safe with me." I clear my throat before speaking up again. "I don't want to be the girl with a dick there."
"I would never tell anybody." Hope chews her bubble gum. "I don't want anyone to hurt you."
She is two heads smaller but protective of me like a lioness. Hope is the one who has accepted me as a girl even before my parents came to turns with it. She has defended me countless times throughout kindergarten and even High school. People are scared of everything different and what could be more different than a girl born with a penis?
Our drive is long and traffic-filled. I spent most of my time admiring Hope from my place on the passenger seat. She is wearing a pair of very short jeans shorts that show much of her tanned legs. Dwarf legs; that's what she calls them. I know, she doesn't like being petite. I think it's adorable. I look at her legs again, watching the muscles in her thighs flex as she pushes the clutch too hard. I have spent two month teaching her how to drive a shift but she's still struggling. I on the other hand am struggling with not getting hard.
If you get hard in her presence I cut you off, I warn the thing down there. He is not impressed by my threats. I've been telling my penis about cutting it off for as long as I can remember. It's not like I haven't tried. But damn, it is not as easy to castrate yourself as the internet would make you think it is.
Forcefully I press down my beginning erection with both hands. For a moment I begin to wonder if it was a good idea to agree on becoming roommates with Hope. It will make things even more complicated for me. The thing down there twitches. I press down on my crotch with more strength. "Ouch," I hiss, cursing through my breath.
"Are you okay?"
"Cramp in my leg." I mumble, shifting awkwardly in my seat. "I am glad we are almost there now."
An hour later we finally arrive on Campus property. We get the key for our room and find a bunch of half-drunken guys that volunteer to help carry all of our belongings upstairs to the third floor. I know guys like me. I am tall, slim and blonde. I never asked for male admirers. I never liked a guy in my life. I've always been attracted to girls and girls alone.
It takes some convincing to get the guys out of our room again. They toss an invitation for a party on the table and walk out. "See you later, ladies."
"Sure," Hope waves her hand at the morons. I don't like how one of them looks at her. The fucker better keeps his fingers to himself or else…
Or else, what? If Hope decides to date someone here, there will not be anything I can do against that. I chose to keep my feelings for her a secret. I mean, even if she knew, it wouldn't make a difference, right?
"Do we want to go to the party? It could be fun."
"I am tired. Tomorrow is our first day. Shouldn't we be well rested for that?"
I am delighted when she agrees to spending the night in our room. We have microwave popcorn for dinner and watch movies on Hope's laptop. She's snuggled close to me on my bed since hers is crowded with clothes that don't fit in the closet. This is how I love it. When it is only I and she and we are the only two people in the whole universe.
Hope strokes my hair. "Why are your curls never frizzy?" she asks, twisting one of my honey-colored tresses around her delicate fingers. The silver nail polish on them is chipped. She has a bad habit of chewing and peeling it off when she gets nervous.
"Old family secret," I tell her. "I could tell you but then you would have to marry me since nobody outside our family can know." A shiver runs down my spine when Hope tugs the curl she's been holding behind my ear. The sensation increases when she presses her lips in a moist open-mouthed kiss against my cheek.
"I love you." She says and I hate that her words don't mean what I want them to mean.
"I love you most." I respond, trying to keep my voice cheerful and light. I kiss the tip of her snub nose.
"Rowan," her voice is soft. I love the way my name sounds from her lips. She is the first who used it. The only one who never, not once, slipped and called me by my birth name.
"Rowan, there is something that we need to talk about. It's something very important."
Crap. I knew this moment was going to come up eventually. Hope is smart. She has noticed that I am acting different around her and has put two and two together.
"Do we want to join a sorority?"
"What?"
"Don't you want to be in one? I think I would like it but I don't want to join if you don't want too."
My mouth is dry. I ate too much salty popcorn. I reach for the can with diet Pepsi on my nightstand. "There are no trans girls in any sorority that I know of."
I can see the frown of disappointment on Hope's face. I know she wants to join a sorority and it's only me who is holding her back. I don't want to hold her back. But I am selfish. Hope is my only friend apart from the people in my therapy group. I want to keep her to myself. I don't want her to meet other people or worse, someone she might fall in love with.
"Maybe we could look at some of them together. It could be fun?" Hope looks at me with big, expectant eyes. Her silky eyelashes flutter. Nobody should be allowed to have lashes like that without adding three coats of mascara. "Please? For me?"
How can I say no to her when she looks at me like this?
I sigh. "Yeah, I guess taking a look won't hurt. But I warn you, I will not like it."
"Thank you." She kisses my cheek again. Her lips are soft and moist. I have fantasized about how they'd feel against my mouth way too often. Maybe if she'd kiss me for real, just once. Just once and it would be awkward. It could help end my pointless crush quickly and pain free.
I know it would be wonderful though. It would be soft and tender and perfect. Because perfect is exactly what describes my Hope. My Hope, who is everything to me, everything and more.
"Can we sleep together in your bed? I don't know where to put my clothes. Maybe I brought too many."
We have slept together in one bed countless times. But I can't fall asleep for a single minute this night. Hope is holding me tightly from behind. Her chin is on my shoulder. Her hands wrapped around my belly. I cover them with mine. Now and then a low snoring noise reaches my ear. Hope always snores when she's fast asleep even when she keeps denying it.
Outside it is already beginning to dawn when I finally pass out. I feel stoned when an alarm interrupts my short sleep with a loud beeping sound. My lower body half is like usually awaken before my mind. Like usually, I try to ignore my morning erection. It doesn't belong to me. None of my male anatomy ever belonged to me. I am trapped within it.
It's then that I feel a hand on top of my erection. Yes, there is still the blanket around me and I am wearing my Pj's. Still I feel Hope's small hand there. There. I get harder and groan. "Fuck."
"Are you in pain?" Hope takes her hand from my crotch. For a moment she seems irritated. I jump from the bed and inside the bathroom. There I hop underneath the shower. I'm not gentle with myself when I jerk off. I can't stop thinking about how Hope accidentally touched my dick. My arousal is both, exciting and disgusting to me. I hate my body but the pleasures it makes me experience are delightful. With a grunt I release against the plastic glass of the shower walls.
When I get out of the bathroom Hope is already fully dressed. She is chewing on a handful of leftover popcorn. "Are you okay? You have been in there forever. I was starting to worry."
"I am fine." I lie, granting her a big smile. When I am lucky, she will be too embarrassed to mention the incident on the bed. I know she wasn't touching me on purpose. It was an accident, wasn't it?
Hope disappears in the bathroom. When she walks out, her curls are pulled up into bun. You can see the small tattoo in her neck. I remember holding her hand when she got it done a week after her eighteenth birthday. She cried. Hope's pain tolerance isn't very high. And she's scared of needles. They put too many of those in her when she was a kid. I admire her braveness for still getting a tattoo. The little inked fairy on Hope's neck looks as if she's about to start dancing any moment. I want to kiss it. But no, it's Hope that I want to kiss. She's my little pixie that I can't resist. I want to kiss her all over until her heart beats as fast as it is capable to.
"Do I look okay?"
She pushes a pair of black-framed glasses higher on her nose.
"What happened to your contacts?" I ask, stepping closer to push the nerdy glasses even higher on her nose. Hope rarely wears her glasses when she's not at home. "You look smart and sexy."
"Sexy?" The tip of her tongue flashes over her pouty lower lip. "Wow," Her cheeks turn rosy. "Thank you." The blush spreads over her entire face.
It takes a while for us to find our classes. I am forever grateful to my mother for writing to the school and explaining my "situation" to the Dean. It's not legal to change my official documents before my surgery. Still, Mom Z. has promised me that nobody will dare to discriminate me. They are too chicken to get sued. I love my mother. She is my warrior. I want to be a lawyer like her one day.
The day goes well. Hope makes new friends when they find out that her mother is the chief designer for a fashion line. I don't know if they are really interested in Hope or only in the chance of free clothes. A guy passes a note to me in our French class.
*You are hot. Can we make out after class?*
Is this fucking College or kindergarten? I never had one of the boys at school crush on me. Maybe because they all knew what I am and it disgusted them.
I crumble the note and toss it under my seat.
"What was that?" Hope whispers, leaning closer to me. "Can I see?"
"Nothing that matters." I tell her. "Do you understand the second paragraph? My translation doesn't make sense to me."
She pushes her notebook over to me so I can copy what she wrote. Hope is better at French than I. Probably because she has been to Paris with her mothers for a couple of times.
The only place I ever really wanted to go badly is Thailand. I was so sure that my parents would give me the money for the surgery. I was pissed when Mom J. said she didn't think I was mentally ready for the surgery. I hate it when she throws this psycho crap at me. I have been ready for this all my life.
After school is over I stick to my promise and accompany Hope to some Sonority place. Like the future Stepford wives to be they sit around us. I feel awkward. It is like an interview and I hate being questioned in public.
"Tell us about you." A perky ginger-head who is wearing a pink twin set asks me, nibbling on the end of her pen. "Where do you come from? What's your goal in life?"
"I'm from Seattle. I like volleyball and roller-skating and my dream is to become a lawyer one day like my mother."
"Wow," Ginger-head, whose name tag says Lisa Joanne, releases her pen with a loud plop. "That's an impressive goal. What kind of lawyer do you want to be?"
I hesitate. My goal is to work on transgender rights but I don't want to tell Lisa Joanne that. It would bring up too many unpleasant questions.
"I haven't picked a specific field yet."
Lisa grants me a wide smile. "You have some time left. We are all good friends here at Theta Omega. We support our sisters."
I can see the way Hope is googling one of the dreadful pink twin-sets they are wearing. Why does she like it here? I can get good grades without having those chicks snoop around in my life.
"It was nice meeting you all." I say, pulling Hope outside with me. My handbag drops from my shoulder, making its content fall all over the floor. I grab my car keys and my perfume.
"Let me help you." Lisa drops to her knees to help me pick up my belongings. Simultaneously we reach for the tablet tube containing my testo blockers. I should have gotten the implant. I fucking knew it.
"What is a testosterone blocker?"
"That's for my headaches." I am a good liar. The smile on my face doesn't give away how tensed I am. "I get these really bad migraines." When I forget to take my hormones, I add in my head.
"Oh you poor thing," Lisa grants me another pearl-teethed smile. Then she notices my driver's license. The stupid license, that states my name as Ryan Whitlock, not Rowan Whitlock. Fuck my life.
"I don't understand this." Lisa holds my license up to one of her Stepford sisters. "That's her picture on this thing but it has her brother's name on it."
"Didn't she tell us she's an only child?" The other girl asks Lisa. In my head I try to count to ten and back to one in an attempt to keep myself from freaking.
"Give her license back to her." Hope snaps the plastic card from Lisa's hands. "Rowan, let's go." I can't move. My legs are shaking.
Lisa is smarter than I assumed her to be and puts two and two together. "You are a guy? Oh my gosh, she's a gay guy who dressed up as a girl!"
Well, maybe not that smart.
My stomach cramps. I hate being outed like this. It's humiliating.
"She is not a guy." Hope states, emphasizing each word slowly. "She is transgender. You can google it."
I see the looks of disgust on the faces around us. I feel naked and exposed and altogether awful. The tears fall. They blind me. It has been long since someone has called me a guy to my face.
A freak, yes, always, but a guy, nobody has dared to do that in long. I grab the rest of my stuff and storm outside. I don't know how I manage to find the way to our room with half-blind eyes. Tomorrow, I will drive back home. There is no way I am staying here.
"You." Hope is panting as she sits down next to me on the edge of the bed a few minutes later. "Forgot." She takes a couple of hectic breaths. "Your." She coughs. "Meds,"
I sit up and stroke her back. She is not supposed to run and she knows that. It's not good for her heart. "Breathe," I whisper, gently stroking up and down her back. "You will be fine."
It takes a few minutes until her breathing gets normal again. "I am so angry."
"Me too." I say. "But it's not your fault. You didn't know this was going to happen."
She leans back against the wall. Her face is sweaty. "You cried." Hope's thumb brushes over my cheek. "I am so sorry those bitches hurt you." She holds my face between her hands. Her fingertips are cold against my skin. "They don't know who you are. I do."
I kiss her. I don't want to kiss her. But it feels like an instinct to me, a life necessity like breathing. I need to do it or I will surely die this very moment.
My mouth touches against hers and I am in heaven. I deepen the kiss when Hope slowly parts her lips and grants me entrance to the paradise that is her mouth. The feeling of her tongue against mine is exquisite. She is passionate. Her hands fist into my curls as I pull her on top of my lap. Closer, I need her closer.
I am hard, very hard but I can't let her go. Not now. I suck her lower lip between my lips. Then I kiss a row of hard, open-mouthed kisses down her jaw.
"If I die it'll be on you." She laughs, placing my hand under her shirt. The skin above her bra is very smooth. I can feel her heart hammering against my fingertips. "I love you."
"I know." I kiss her shoulder. My mouth has left a reddish mark there. "Like a friend."
"Are you really that stupid? What the fuck, Rowan. I am so tired of this, so tired of you not wanting to see."
"What? How can you?" I can't bring out the words. They hurt. They hurt too much. "How can you love me? How can you want me when I am still like this?"
I cry. I sob loud and press my fist against my teeth to suffocate my sounds. I am the problem here. Hope does love me. I am the one who can't let her love me. Not like this. I can't let anyone love me because I can't love myself. I hate myself. Not myself but this body I am trapped in. Another sob quivers through me.
"It's ok. I got you."
Hope rocks me against her chest. I let her hold me while I ruin her shirt with my tears. She doesn't tell me to stop crying. She doesn't tell me it will be alright. Hope just holds me. She lets me cry until my eyes are sore. When I can't cry anymore, I just rest my head against her chest. I love listening to the sound of her heart.
"I love you." She kisses my hair. "I love you. But I can't love yourself for you. That is something only you can do."
Hope stands up from the bed. Then she pulls my childhood picture out of nowhere. "Where did she got that? Oh right, it must have fallen out of my handbag too. "You forgot this too." She places the picture on my lap.
"I don't like seeing myself as a boy. You know that."
"I don't see a boy in it. All I see is you."
I kiss her again. This time more gentle. My lips caress hers. They taste like sweet chapstick and salt. I kiss Hope's mouth again and again. She is my everything. Nobody loves me like she does.
We end up sleeping in my bed again. It feels different though. I hold Hope in my arms. There is a pillow stuffed in front of my crotch. No way, I want to have my morning erection poking into her lower back. I don't know what to do.
She's in love with me. I am in love with her. It should be simple. But I know it isn't.
My plans in life, apart from my academic goals never carry me further than to the day of my surgery. I can't bear the thought of someone touching me down there before.
"Are you awake?" Hope wiggles the blanket cocoon from her and turns around. I stroke her cheek.
"I can't sleep when you are snoring."
"Sorry," She stretches her arms above her head and yawns. "I wanted us to talk before I fell asleep but I was so tired."
I don't want to talk. It will be awkward. All I want to do is kiss her and hold her. But I can't. With a long dragged exhale I sit upright in the bed and lean against the wall.
"Hope, I can't do this."
"You can't do what?" Her light brown eyes get bigger. Those little eyelash fuckers around them flutter. I see tiny droplets of wetness in their corner.
Please, don't cry now
"Hope, I can't start a relationship. Not now. It wouldn't be right."
Her doll face loses a bit of its softness when she frowns. The caramel shade of her iris gets darker and moist with tears. But she doesn't cry. She is sucking it up. And Hope never does that. So, why is she now?
"I thought we are already having a relationship."
"Yes, friends wise, but being together that is different."
She kisses me. It's a sullen and angry kiss. Her mouth is hard against mine. I part my lips, letting her tongue slide between them. I don't want to kiss her back.
"See you love me." Hope pulls back for a moment. "You want me."
"Yes," I grab both her hands and hold them together. "That doesn't mean we can be together. Not now. Not while I am still like this. Not before my surgery."
I need to get away from her. I need air and distance. I throw my sweatshirt and a pair of sweats on and head outside. I run four miles and only stop because my left calve cramps painfully.
"Crap. Crap. Crap."
I bury my sweating face in my hands. I can outrun Hope. I can't run away from myself though.
I pull my hoodie over my head and sit down on a bench. My heart hammers. It hurts to breathe. Everything in me hurts.
My fingers fish for my cell. I call home because I need to talk to someone who isn't Hope.
"Mom J.?"
"What is wrong? Are you okay? It's only six in the morning. You never get up so early."
"I went for a run."
"That's good. How are you classes? Is your dorm alright?"
I sob into the receiver. "Mom... can I just come home?"
In the background I can hear my mothers arguing and fighting over the phone. Then, it is Mom Z. on the line with me.
"What happened? Did someone say something? You know we can always sue them if they discriminate you."
"Just stop this. I don't want you to sue anyone. Fuck, Mom Z. I kissed Hope. It's horrible."
"Was it that bad? Did she puke before it happened?"
"Of course not! But it was dreadful. She said she loves me. I am not ready for this."
"Sweetheart, do you think, I was ready when I met your mother? She got on my nerves most of the times. But, love is about being with someone who is good for you. Do you think that being with Hope is good for you?"
Nobody can be better for me than Hope. But I can't be with her while I'm still like this. I feel a wave of anger beginning to boil in the pit of my stomach. It cramps throughout my body.
"This wouldn't all be happening if you two would have signed the papers for my surgery. You don't know how it's like for me. Nobody knows."
With that I hang up. I walk back to the campus. Hope is a crying mess when I enter our room.
"You just run away! Fuck you. You know I can't run after anyone with my crappy heart. I hate you."
She sobs and kicks her hands against my ribcage. "You kissed me back. That means something!"
"Hope, please, try to calm down. You are not supposed to get agitated like this. It's not good for you heart."
"Guess what? I don't care. All I care about is you. I love you. You love me. You know what that is? Simple! But you are too fucking stupid. You can't let me love you."
Her lips turn bluish. She holds on to the desk next to her. "I won't let you give up on us. I won't."
Hope tumbles. Her face pales. She drops to her knees and gasps for air. "Pills, I need my pills."
I panic. If anything happens to her, it will be on me. I agitated her like this. I open her nightstand and start searching for her medication. Damn it, where are they?
Eventually, I find the small pills. I pour a glass of water and hand them to her. She swallows two of them at. Minutes later the color returns to her face. She smiles. I don't know what there is to smile about now.
"You are not allowed to get agitated like this again."
"I don't do that on purpose. I have a temper. Must be the wolf blood."
Her aunt Leah has told her too many good night stories when she was little. There is some legend about the members of their tribe morphing into wolves in times of danger.
I lean forward and kiss her forehead. She's warm. Maybe she's running a fever. Did we bring a thermometer here with us?
"I am fine." Hope stands up from the floor. "It was just my heart being a bitch to me. I am stronger than it."
I take her hand and pull her on my lap. This is right. This is where she belongs. "You scared me."
"Why?"
"Cause I skipped school when we were learning about first aid stuff. I should have called an ambulance."
"Are you crazy? I end up in hospital for a whole week if you do that. Do you know what drama my mothers would cause if they heard of this? They'd tell me to come home and do online college courses."
She leans her head against my chest. "I want to be here with you."
"I can't stay here. Not after they found out what I am."
I get up from the bed and kiss her head. "You will have less problems here when I am not around."
"Bull shit."
She grabs my hand. "I am your friend. I will always be your friend and defend you against everyone. That's what I've been doing the last ten years."
Hope looks up at me. "When you get your surgery done, can we be together then?"
I nod. I wrap my arms around her small frame and hug her tightly. My lips touch her curls. "I don't have the money for the surgeries. You know what my mothers have said."
"They say you are not ready. What if they are right?"
"What if they are wrong? I know what's best for me. This is my body and my decision."
We try to come up with a plan. To get my surgery in Thailand done, I most of all need money. So, what I need is someone who is willing to give me the money, without asking questions.
How hard can it be to find someone that naïve?
I call the first person that comes to my mind. We haven't spoken in long and it is always awkward with him. My father doesn't cope well with me being the way I am.
It's his wife who picks up. Rose has no reason at all to love me but she does it anyway. She's like my third mother. I adore her to death. I talk to her for a few minutes before I ask if Emmett is around. He hates it when I call him by his given name. I hate it when he uses my birth name. So, I guess we are both equal.
I tell him that I am in trouble and need his help. I wrecked the new car and am scared to tell my Moms about it. I can't believe he's actually buying that. Within two days the money is in my account.
My heart makes a joyful back flip in my heart. I call the clinic and arrange an appointment for my surgery. It feels surreal to me when I am finding myself next to Hope on a plane to Bangkok a month later.
Yes, I am so ready for this. I always have been for my whole life ready for this. Still, my stomach is in knots. My hands are sweaty. I grab the sides of my seat.
"Are you scared of flying?" Hope asks, placing her hand on top of mine. "The plane's not going to crash."
"I am just tensed."
"We should have told an adult where we are going."
"Check, your passport. It says you are eighteen and so am I. We are two adult women who are free to travel wherever it pleases us."
She fumbles on her seatbelt. "But you lied to your father. You should have told him what you need the money for."
I lean over to her and help Hope to adjust her seatbelt properly. She is making me nervous when she is fidgeting around with it like that. "He would never understand. Besides that, he owes me the money."
"Why?"
"Because he's my father and he never paid any child support. I don't care what my mothers arranged with him. Emmett owes me the money. It's called child support. Not mother support."
"I don't feel good with this whole lying."
I lose whatever is left of my nerves. "You shouldn't have come with me then. I can do this alone."
Hope
My name is Hope Swan.
I know my parents picked that name for me because they hoped I would turn out alright after being born prematurely.
The pictures taken of me after my birth show a tiny, terribly ugly baby with hugs bird eyes and purplish skin. Preemies are not a pretty sight. I was small, but I was a fighter. That is what I've been told my whole life. I am hungry for life with an appetite that is hard to satisfy.
I wipe perspiration from my forehead. The AC in our hotel room isn't working. The air here is hot and humid and smells of spices from the cook shop across the street. My stomach rumbles.
Next to me Rowan is cuddling her pillow like it is a desired lover. We haven't spoken much since we came here from the airport. It's past midnight now. In a few hours she has her appointment at the clinic.
A wave of nervousness makes the muscles in my abdomen quiver.
This is what she wants. I remind myself. This is what she has wanted all her life.
I can't shake off the sensation of fear and doubt though. It is a big surgery and surgeries always hold risks.
Rowan moans when I get up from the thin mattress. She shifts from her side to her back and starts breathing with an open mouth.
I smile.
She is beautiful. I have always known she is beautiful; more beautiful than anyone ever should be.
Rowan is tall, with the slender figure of a model. Her legs go on like forever and her curls are silky smooth unlike the frizzy mess I got on my head.
While I eat the remainder of potato chips I have left I wonder. If Rowan had been born a normal girl, would she love me then? Would it make things easier between us?
She loves me. But the thing is that you can't really love someone when you can't love yourself first. Rowan clearly is struggling with that.
Maybe after the surgery, I think, licking salty cheese flavor from my fingertips.
I feel bad that we run away without telling our parents where we are going. Rowan's mothers should be here with her.
My fingertips dial Zafrina's number but I always hang up before it even starts ringing. Rowan will be pissed at me if I call her mother.
Eventually I call my sister's phone.
It is loud in the background when Lilly picks up.
"Hello?"
I clear my throat. The chips have made me thirsty.
"Hi Lilly, it's me."
"Hope? How is college life going?"
I sigh deeply.
"Pretty okay,"
"Just okay? Have you looked into joining a sorority like you planned to?"
"I don't want to join a stupid sorority anymore."
In the background a dog's whining turns into an angry barking sound.
"Cara, for fucks sake, hold him down before he jumps from the table again."
My sister is patient with the street dogs she is treating. She is not so patient with poor Cara who is probably starting to regret she volunteered going to Romania with Lilly. The shelter she founded is Lilly's heart project. She can go on forever about flee infected fur and castrations.
"Lilly, are you still there?" I ask impatiently after being ignored for a couple of minutes.
"Sorry, Hope. It's crazy here today because I'm flying back home tomorrow."
"Tell Jane and the twins I say hi."
"I will. Why did you change your mind about the sorority? I thought it was something you really wanted?"
"It wasn't as nice as I imagined it to be. They were mean to Rowan."
"I'm sorry. Is she okay?"
I mumble a hesitant yes into my phone.
"Lilly, when I tell you something, will you promise not to tell our moms?"
"Sure,"
"Rowan and I are in Bangkok."
"Is that a club? Did you drink alcohol? You know that messes with your medication."
Medical advice from a vet is exactly what I need. I hate being reminded that I am sick. My heart is a mess in more than one way. I've overheard Dad telling Mom I might eventually need a transplant.
I don't know if I want to live with someone else's heart. The thought is frightening to me but so is the thought of dying. I want to live. I want to get drunk and I want to be kissed often. I want to try weird foods and visit faraway places.
I want to know what it is like to be loved with passion that makes your skin blush pink.
"We are in Bangkok for Rowan's surgery."
There is a long silence on the phone before Lilly speaks up again. Only that she is more yelling instead of talking.
"Are you two complete out of your mind now?"
"You don't understand how it is like for her. She needs to have this surgery."
I feel like nobody truly grasps the situation Rowan is in. She can't go back, neither can she move forward unless she takes the next step. I just want her to be happy. Rowan claims the bottom surgery is key to this happiness.
"From where does she have the money for it anyway? I doubt her parents gave it to her."
"No,"
I swallow up the salvia in my mouth and cough. All of this is crazy. I don't know why I expect anyone to approve of our little adventure here.
"You aren't going to tell our moms, are you?"
"Hope, I have to tell them. "
"No!" My voice comes out too loud. I take a worried look in Rowan's direction. She is still fast asleep on the bed. I bet if she finds out I called my sister to tell her where we are, Rowan will be cross with me.
"Hope, I need to let them know where you are."
I can feel a wave of panic beginning to boil in the pit of my stomach. "Gosh, you know how Mom is like. She is going to freak!"
"You should have thought about how she would freak before hopping on a plane to Asia!"
"Hope?" Rowan's voice is all sleepy.
I hang up on my sister and put on a fake smile for Rowan.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Who were you talking to?"
"Just Lilly," I tell her, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Do you have something more to drink? I am thirsty."
Red blots appear allover Rowan's face. "You haven't told her about us being here, have you?"
