Happy Monday. We just got a shelter in place order that kicks in tomorrow night, so we'll see what the future holds.
I wanted to issue an apology for the last chapter: Apparently, my computer autocorrected the chapter title to "Joe" instead of "Voe" which is both annoying and hilarious. I've since fixed it.
No, I am not going to write a oneshot called "Joe."
I also am issuing an advanced apology. This chapter contains the overzealous application of dotty old ladies shrieking things that are completely inappropriate, so you've all been warned. Yes, this is modeled on my life. I wish it wasn't.
And now, I present: for Painted Aurora, Link goes home for the holidays with Zelda, and for Cat, they'll pretend to be dating.
Order up!
Drabble VI: Mistletoe Mischief
Zelda's family was terrifying. When Link had agreed to help her out, he'd had no idea what he was in for. Which, really, was his own stupid fault: Midna had even warned him.
"Listen up," his roommate had said as she polished her fingernails a poison red that she insisted was "festive" but put Link more in mind of battles and bloodshed, "our family is insane. Insane. You do this and we owe you, like, forever."
Zelda— Midna's cousin, the damsel in distress he'd agreed to assist— had nodded along fervently, looking both relieved and worried.
Link had turned to look at Zelda. He'd known Midna forever— they'd gone to law school together, and she'd dated his roommate, and then they'd broken up rather spectacularly. Dark had moved out, but Midna had stayed… and stayed… and stayed. They'd graduated, passed the bar together, and gotten jobs at law firms: hers, prestigious and cutthroat, and his, a scrappy little environmental law agency that worked to protect the local wildlife. They were friends, best friends even, as close as siblings, without a whiff of romantic tension between them.
Midna and Link had lived together in platonic harmony for more than five years now, and in all that time, Link had heard assorted horror stories about Midna's family. But he'd never even once considered going home to meet them… right up until Midna's pretty cousin had moved back from getting her master's abroad, started hanging around the apartment, and then begged Link to be her human shield for Midwinter.
"The aunties are expecting me to come home with a handsome man," Zelda had explained, and it was that— that mention of a 'handsome man' that sold Link. The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen had called him handsome. If it would make her happy, he'd walk backwards and barefoot through hell. "I was going to take my boyfriend home for Midwinter last year, but then he dumped me right before the holidays, and, well—"
"The aunties are like sharks," Midna had supplied. "If they smell blood in the water, they attack. So Zelda lied and said her boyfriend had been called away on business, and then she kept on lying, and kept lying, and…" Midna spread her hands in a gesture of irony. "Here we are."
And now, a week later, here they were at dinner on the other side of the city in the largest house Link had ever seen, at the most immense dining table he'd ever laid eyes on. Really, you could probably land an airplane on the damned thing. There were at least thirty— maybe forty— people crowded around it: young and old alike, with hair in shades of red and gold and black, all chattering and laughing. It was overwhelming for Link, who was used to a no-fuss dinner with his sister and maybe an aunt and uncle at the holidays.
Everyone welcomed Link with boisterous cheers. He was introduced to two dozen people and promptly forgot their names and how they were related to Zelda and Midna. After he was introduced to a second-cousin-twice-removed on old Uncle Bo's side, he went cross eyed and promptly gave up, merely nodding desperately along. When he had a moment of peace, he leaned down and whispered into Zelda's ear, "Why didn't you give me a family tree to study in advance?"
"Hush," she said, nevertheless smiling affectionately at him, as though he'd just whispered some sweet nothing in her ear. Oh, right— he was supposed to be pretending to be her boyfriend. "Just smile and nod along and it'll be over relatively quickly."
At least it was a dinner in town, Link reminded himself; if this was truly as awful as Midna and Zelda had predicted, well, they'd all three escape later and Link would tend his wounds with a bottle of Madame Aroma's finest milk liquor.
"Auntie alert," Midna hissed as she buzzed by them, cradling a glass of red wine.
"Let me do the talking," Zelda whispered, tensing under the arm that Link had draped around her shoulders— for show, just for show, of course. "Stick to the plan and we may survive."
The two most ancient women Link had ever seen tottered into view. They were twins— honest-to-Goddess identical twins— and were dressed head to toe in matching (and unspeakably hideous) Midwinter sweaters. One had a red bow in her froth of white hair, and the other had a blue bow in her puff of white hair, and other than that they really were identical.
And they were staring at Link like auctioneers at a livestock fair.
"So, this is the boyfriend we've heard so much about," said the blue one, shouldering forward. She shoved her cane at Zelda, who caught it on instinct. Link stood paralyzed with terror as the tiny old crone reached up, grabbed Link by the ears, and pulled his face down to her level so she could inspect.
"Auntie Kotake, please don't manhandle him," Zelda pleaded as the old woman tugged on Link's ears, forcing him to turn this way and that under her scrutiny.
"He's a fine enough looking fellow," said the red one, and she reached up and poked Link in the stomach with her cane, causing him to chuff and double forward even further. She reached out and tugged at a strand of his hair and murmured a thoughtful, "hmm."
"And what's in that skull of yours, pretty boy? What do you do? Why are you after our Zelda?"
They released Link and he wheezed upright, pressing a fist into the aching small of his back. He looked at Zelda in desperation.
"He's a lawyer, Auntie," Zelda said with some desperation.
"A lawyer? What sort? Divorce?"
"You'd know if he was a divorce lawyer, Kotake," said the red one. "After all, you've hired and fired every divorce lawyer in the city."
"You're just jealous because I have more husbands than you," the blue one snapped back. "Seven to your three."
"Which is a loss in terms of golf rules," the red one cackled. "Everyone knows marriage is like golf."
"Tug the other one, you old hag. The only thing marriage and golf have in common is that it's impossible to get a hole in one."
Link wondered if he had died and been sent to some comical version of hell. Terrified, he looked over at Zelda, who looked weary and resigned.
"Link practices environmental law," she said tiredly.
"Like lobbying for oil companies?" The blue one perked up at that. "Say, who're your clients? Do you work with Happy over at Masque Drilling? He's an old family friend."
"Er—" Link fumbled for words. "No?"
"Well," said the blue one. She looked disappointed and haughty. "That's a shame."
"Who cares about Happy?" said the red one. "I want to know how they met."
"Uh—"
"Speak up, boy, I can't hear you," the old witch shrieked.
Link looked at Zelda, desperate.
'Tell the truth,' she mouthed.
Right, Link thought.
"Midna is my roommate," Link said. "When Zelda moved back from Akkala, she started coming around, and we hit it off." He shrugged lamely. "And here I am."
"Midna's roommate?" The blue one positively screeched with that. Link wanted to melt into the wallpaper, but nobody else seemed bothered by the ancient hag's histrionics. Well, they wouldn't be, if this was all normal, Link thought with a desperation bordering on hysteria. "The queer fellow?"
Right. He was going to melt into a puddle of shame.
"Auntie Kotake!" That was Zelda, looking horrified. Even the red one looked upset.
"Kotake, you can't say that," the red one said disparagingly. "You can't just go about calling people queer willy nilly. They call themselves 'the Gays,' obviously."
Link choked. Zelda looped her arm through his. Link looked down at her, desperate. Was she going to save him?
But she wasn't looking at him. Instead, she was watching the amazon of a woman striding up behind the two dotty old ladies.
"Auntie Koume, did I just hear you shrieking something about 'the Gays?'" the woman said, looking amused and resigned. "To Zelda's boyfriend, no less?"
"Urbosa, dear, he's that queer fellow that Midna's been living with all these years," said the blue one. "Can you believe it?"
"I think as long as Zelda and her boyfriend are happy, it's none of our business, mother," the woman said firmly. Then she turned to Link and Zelda with a warm smile, and she stuck out a hand. "Urbosa. It's nice to meet you, Link. I've heard a lot from Zelda and Midna about you."
Oh, finally, someone normal, Link thought with some relief. "It's very nice to meet you, Urbosa," he said. "My name's Link. I've heard a lot about you, too." And he had: Zelda and Midna practically worshipped the ground their cousin walked on, and he'd heard the two of them gushing about her on no fewer than six separate occasions. Link summoned a grin. "I never thought I'd meet the famed cage fighter in person."
Urbosa grinned.
"You may count yourself blessed," she said. Then, to the little old hags: "Mother, Auntie Koume, stop monopolizing Link. There are lots of other people who want to meet him."
Urbosa reached out and snagged his arm, towing him away. On instinct, Link grabbed Zelda's hand, pulling her along after him. Her hand fit nicely in his: her fingers were warm, and curled around his palm perfectly, and he felt warmth shoot straight from his head to his toes.
Urbosa towed them to a parlor— really, the house was so big there were parlors!— kicked out two younger cousins giggling over some handheld game, shut the door, and fixed Link with a look. Not just any look, either. A Look.
"Zelda, go fetch us drinks, will you?" Urbosa said.
"I— uh—" She looked helplessly from Urbosa to Link and back again. Link tried for a bracing smile. "Sure."
She trailed out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind her. Urbosa propped her hands on her hips and scowled at Link.
"What are you doing here?"
"I— what?"
"I said," the woman repeated, "what are you doing here?"
This had not been part of the briefing, Link thought desperately.
"I'm here because Zelda asked me to come," he said. The red woman arched a brow. Link gulped. "What?"
"You've lived with Midna for how many years, now?" Urbosa asked.
"Five," Link merped out automatically.
"And in those five years, you've probably heard a bit about how our family is very well-connected. We have power and money. Those are two things that people have done terrible things for." She fixed him with an amber glare. It was terrifying. Link knew that the fighter could snap in half like a twig if she wanted. "So I'll ask you again. Why are you here?"
"Because Zelda asked me," Link said. "That's it! I swear!"
"Hm." Urbosa didn't look convinced. "I think you're lying, pretty boy. I think you've been hanging around, waiting to get your hooks into Midna, and when you couldn't, you went for Zelda, who we both know is that much more gullible. I think you're using her, and I want to know why."
Usually, it took a lot to make Link angry. But the amazonian cage fighter's accusation was enough to get Link's blood boiling.
"Listen, lady, I know you love Zelda and you probably think you're protecting her, but don't insult her like that," Link snapped. "Zelda is kind, and loving, and has a heart of gold. That doesn't make her gullible or weak. She's kind and caring, and she asked me to come to Midwinter because her family is, and I quote, 'a terrifying fucking disaster, please don't make me go alone, Link,' and because I love her, I agreed. And if you've got a problem with that, then maybe you should think more about why she's afraid to come home than why I came with her."
His chest was heaving by the end of his little speech. Suddenly, he realized who he was talking to— Makeela Urbosa, prize-winning cage fighter and man-eater extraordinaire. Still, he couldn't find it in himself to be sorry for what he'd said, or to take it back. He merely hoped that she'd have the presence of mind to make his death quick.
But no death was forthcoming. Instead, Urbosa took a step back— and she was smiling.
"Good speech," she said. "You passed." And, without another word, she turned on a heel, opened the door, and marched out.
Link's relief was short-lived. In the hallway, holding two mugs of wassail, stood Zelda. And judging by the pale, thunderstruck expression on her face, she'd heard every word of Link's hot retort.
Link wondered if it was possible to stick your foot into your mouth so badly that you suffocated and died.
Quietly, Zelda stepped forward into the parlor, walking as softly as though any loud noise would startle Link into running. Probably it would, Link reflected. She calmly set the mugs of wassail on a little side table, then pulled the french doors of the parlor shut, and turned to look at Link.
"Did you have that speech planned?" She asked him softly, taking a step forward towards him.
Mutely, he shook his head.
"Did you mean it?" She took another step closer, her face still shocked, her voice still soft.
Numb with misery, he nodded. He'd had a crush on Zelda forever— basically since the first time she'd shown up at the apartment— and he'd tried to hard to keep it under wraps, to keep things from being awkward, because he respected the hell out of her and Midna both and didn't want to wreck any of the great things in his life—
Link's rambling train of thought came screeching to a halt as Zelda flung herself forward, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and pulled his mouth down to hers for a searing kiss.
It was perfect. It was more than perfect. It was transcendent. Link had kissed a fair number of women in his life and nothing— nothing— could compare to the bliss of Zelda's lips on his. She was soft and warm and tasted a little bit like wassail, and Link found himself holding her close, leaning into the kiss, leaning in to her.
"Ewwwwwww, Zelda and her boyfriend are kissing," came a childish whine from the doorway. They tore apart and turned, panting to look at the accuser in question.
"Ewwww," grunted a younger child.
"Malo, Talo, I'll skin you," Zelda threatened. "Don't you think I won't."
The boys ran off, screeching, and Link was sure that they were howling something about kissing. He dropped his head to Zelda's shoulder.
"Well, this is awkward," Link said. Zelda was running her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, and by all that was holy, it felt good.
"Not that awkward," Zelda said. Link could hear the grin in her voice. "I finally got an excuse to kiss you."
Link chuckled and straightened.
"How long have you been waiting?" He asked.
"Since about two seconds after I met you," she told him. "You?"
"The same," he agreed. He was giddy with the nearness of her, the newness of this, and the sheer terror of being surrounded by her family. "Let's be realistic. What are the chances one of your family members is going to kill and eat me?"
"Oh, I'd say about fifty-fifty," Zelda told him. "But don't worry. If you die, I'll bring you back to life with some mouth-to-mouth."
"Hmm." Link could think of less pleasant fates. "Is that a promise?"
Zelda laughed, her eyes sparkling, and Link caught her hand.
"Hey," he said. "Do you want to get dinner? I mean— Obviously we're about to eat dinner with your psychotic relatives, but, like… do you want to go on a date?"
He didn't know why he was suddenly nervous. After all, they'd just been passionately kissing. But maybe she didn't want him like that— maybe it was just a physical thing?
Link's worries melted away as she smiled softly.
"I would like that very much," she said, tangling her fingers more securely with his. "But let's go mingle some more, before Malo and Talo can spread rumors about what we're up to. Ok?"
Link let her pull him after her. They were met in the hallway by Midna, who was scowling.
"You two were kissing?" She asked.
"Yup," Zelda confirmed.
"It wasn't just because of mistletoe, was it?" Midna asked.
"Nope," Link agreed.
Midna exhaled.
"Thank the Goddess," she said. "I've been waiting for you two to get together forever. Now get moving. Uncle Bo— you know, the opera singer—" she said for Link's benefit, "—is about to do his annual performance of The Ballad of the Windfish. It's going to be a snore. We need drinks. Come on."
Grinning like an idiot, Link trailed along after Midna, Zelda's hand secure in his, feeling inordinately happy. For being trapped in an oversized house with an oversized group of maniacs, this midwinner was turning out to be his best one yet.
I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry. I couldn't resist. I JUST COULDN'T. Please don't hate me.
Tomorrow night I'm going to take a break. One night a week off seems fair, right? So, coming up next, two nights from now: For Wisdom-of-me, soulmate marks! This is probably a specific reference to something, but I don't know what, and honestly I'm such a sucker for the idea of soulmates/the red string of fate that I'm going to run with it and have too much fun, as usual. Until then, stay safe, stay inside, and WASH YOUR HANDS! Air smoochies to all, and to all a good night.
