Chapter 19: Latent Resentment

Araeyah picked the boys up and took them home. Calvin sat at the table to do his homework and Noah sat on the couch with his picture book while Rae started on dinner. She seasoned chicken and put it in the oven to bake then she started chopping the vegetables. Calvin finished his homework and came over to help her in the kitchen. She let him mash the potatoes. She seasoned sweet potatoes, zucchini, squash, and snap peas, oiled the skillet then put the medley in to start cooking. Calvin gave her the mashed potatoes then went over to the living room to read with Noah while she finished cooking on her own. Olivia came through the door just as she was putting dinner on the table. The boys went over to greet her with hugs and kisses. Rae had the fleeting thought that it was something she'd never get tired of seeing.

"Calvin, take Noah and go get washed up for dinner" she said as she headed back to the kitchen to get glasses and cups. She took down two glasses and two cups and brought them over to the table with a pitcher of juice. The boys came back and took their seats at the table. Olivia wasn't sure what to say to Rae so she just went to the bedroom to change her clothes and get comfortable for the evening before joining them at the table. Given the cold front between Rae and Olivia, Calvin did most of the talking during dinner. They had plenty to talk about just focusing on his day. Rae had to get ready for her shift at the hospital so she left Olivia to finish dinner with the boys while she changed. When she came out of the bedroom, Olivia handed her a bag with some snacks and a bottle of tea. She took the bag and thanked her then said her goodbyes to the boys before they ran off to Calvin's room to play. She said goodbye to Olivia as she headed for the door.

"Araeyah" Olivia called after her. Rae turned back to see what she wanted. "I love you". Rae sighed as she considered whether to say it back. She was really upset with her but it was her own rule that no matter how angry either of them was, they couldn't leave the house without saying goodbye and I love you. After some hesitation, she replied.

"I love you too" she said before continuing on her way out the door. Rae put what was going on between her and Olivia out of her mind and focused on her work. When she wasn't with a patient, she was in the lounge studying. She tried to keep her mind busy with anything besides their problems. She kept busy enough that her shift went by quickly. Before she knew it, it was time to go home. She was surprised that Olivia was still home when she got there. She'd intentionally left the hospital later than usual so she wouldn't have to see her. The only downside to that was she wouldn't get to see the boys before school. Olivia sat quietly on the couch, watching her as she took off her coat and hung it up.

"Hey" Rae said as she walked past her.

"Hi" she heard faintly behind her as she continued on to the bedroom. She stripped out of her clothes and got in the shower. The hot water rained down on her, relaxing the stress away. She heard the door open and knew Olivia was going to try to come in with her.

"What are you still doing here?" she asked from the behind the glass shower door.

"I asked Dodds to cover for me so I could take the day off" she answered. Rae slid the door open and saw Olivia standing there. She hadn't started to undress so she knew she was waiting for her to invite her in.

"Why?"

"I just…. we're supposed to keep talking" she said reminding her of what Alice told them. "And I… I know it's your day off. I wanted to spend some time with you".

"Oh" she said simply. "Well, I'm…. I'm just gonna shower and sleep. That's not really spending time".

"Well, I'll sleep with you". Rae laughed lightly.

"You already slept all night".

"I'll just lay down with you then".

"You don't have to".

"I want to".

"Fine" Rae said with a shrug. She slid the shower door closed again. Olivia stood there for a few seconds before going back out into the bedroom.

Araeyah came out of the shower fifteen minutes later wrapped in just a towel. Olivia was laying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. She had a feeling things would be strained between them until they worked through all their unresolved issues about her affair. Rae put on lotion then threw on a t shirt, brushed her hair then went over and got in bed. She settled under the covers, trying to ignore Olivia's presence there. Her revelation about Olivia's behavior around the time of her affair had brought up some concerns for her. Olivia had been distrustful and accusatory back then and now, she felt she was doing it again. Her relationship with Amanda was, again, a cause of concern for Olivia which, to Rae, didn't make sense. Amanda was her friend. She was Olivia's friend too. They had made a lot of progress in their relationship so she didn't understand why she was so distrustful of her. Even if she had reason not to trust Amanda, she had no reason not to trust Rae. What could possibly be behind that? Before it was projection. What if that was the case again? Rae tried to push the thoughts from her mind so she could fall asleep. She felt the bed shift beside her and Olivia's arm came up around her waist. Her reaction surprised even herself.

"Don't" she jerked away. "I…" she cleared her throat, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I just don't…." she stuttered as she tried to find the nicest way to make her request not to be touched. "I just need some space" she said softly.

"Okay. I understand" Olivia said softly as she moved away from her. Rae could hear the hurt in her voice. She put it out of her mind and relaxed into the bed. After another fifteen minutes of deliberately turning off her mind, she was fast asleep. Olivia laid there next to her and watched her. Then she closed her eyes and just listened to her breathe. Unintentionally, she joined her to sleep.

Olivia woke up a couple hours later to Rae still sleeping beside her. She watched her sleep for a few minutes before getting up, careful not to wake her, and leaving the bedroom. She pulled the door shut so any noise she would make wouldn't wake her fiancé. She made herself a cup of tea then went to sit on the couch and watch tv. After twenty minutes of flipping through channels, she settled on watching Forest Gump. She thought there must've been some kind of Tom Hanks marathon because the next movie to start was Cast Away. It was nearing two thirty in the afternoon when Rae emerged from the bedroom. She grabbed a water from the refrigerator, opened it and took a drink as she walked over and joined Olivia in the living room. She sat on the opposite end of the couch from her. She could feel Olivia's eyes on her as she watched tv.

"How'd you sleep?" she asked, hoping to start conversation.

"Good" Rae said simply, keeping her eyes on the tv.

"Why don't we take the boys and go out for dinner tonight?"

"Whatever you want" she answered, still not making any eye contact with Olivia.

"Araeyah" she said with a sigh. She picked up the remote and muted the tv. "I know you're mad but please talk to me".

"Talk to you about what?" she said finally looking at her.

"About what you said in the therapy session".

"Was I wrong?" she asked. Olivia gave it some thought.

"I…"

"Are you seeing someone else again?" Rae asked abruptly before she could answer her other question.

"What?" Olivia asked surprised. She was completely caught off guard. "Why would you ask me that?"

"The last time you nitpicked over my friendship with Amanda, you were sleeping with David Haden" she pointed out. "Is there someone else?"

"Araeyah…" she started to argue.

"Just answer me, yes or no" she said not letting her deflect.

"I can't believe you're asking me this" Olivia said, hurt and slightly offended by the accusation.

"That's not an answer" Rae said still waiting for a straightforward answer to her question.

"I'm not seeing anyone else" she said emphatically. Araeyah stared at her, trying to decide if she was telling the truth or not. She got up from the couch and walked past Olivia. "Wh… where are you going?"

"My head hurts. I'm gonna go lay down".

"Well" Olivia grabbed her hand before she could walk away. "Do you believe me?"

"I… I don't know" she said honestly. She pulled her hand away and went back to the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Olivia put her face in her hands and breathed deeply, holding back tears. The last thing she wanted was to lose Rae to the thought of her having an affair. She had been absolutely faithful to her since they'd gotten back together. She would never do anything to jeopardize their relationship again. Suddenly she was regretting their decision to go to therapy and rehash all of these issues. They'd worked through one issue only to have created another, even bigger issue to deal with. Olivia debated going into the bedroom to try to talk to Rae about her suspicions. She decided to leave her alone. She stayed in the living room and Rae stayed in the bedroom until it was time to go pick up the boys. Olivia went to the bedroom and knocked lightly on the door before opening it. Rae was sitting up against the headboard reading.

"I just wanted to check if you wanted to go with me to pick up the boys from school". She hoped she said yes.

"No, it's fine if you get them" she declined.

"Okay" Olivia said disappointed. She started to shut the door when Rae started to speak again.

"And I, um, I don't really wanna go out tonight" she said changing her mind about dinner. "You can take the boys out if you want". Olivia didn't say anything back. She just shut the door and went on her way. She picked Noah up first then Calvin. They decided on chinese for dinner so they went to the restaurant near the apartment and got their usual to go order. When they got back home, the boys rushed into the bedroom to say hi to Rae. She visited with them while Olivia put their dinner on the table. They washed up and sat down to eat together. After dinner, Olivia colored pictures with Noah and Rae did homework with Calvin. Once Calvin was done with homework, Rae made popcorn and they all settled on the couch together to watch a movie. Even during their family time, Rae created a distance from Olivia by seating Calvin and Noah on the couch between them. After the movie, it was baths and then bedtime. Rae and Olivia went to bed without saying anything except goodnight to each other.

The next morning, Rae took the boys out to breakfast while Olivia went to work. They enjoyed waffles and hot chocolate before she dropped them off to school. She returned home to do laundry and study before her shift at the hospital. She only had a couple days left of night shifts before she was back to days. She'd had a successful OBGYN rotation so far. Helping women bring their babies into the world safely was very rewarding but also heartbreaking when deliveries didn't go as planned. She knew no matter what specialty she chose there would be some kind of downside but she already knew that OB wasn't her calling. She'd have another month before moving on to internal medicine then psychiatry. She was most looking forward to her surgical rotation and, of course, emergency medicine. She was sure that, in the end, it would be her specialty. Until then, she would try to learn as much as possible so she could be prepared to make the best impression. Her performance during her clinical rotation would be important once she started applying for residencies.

Lucy walked through the door with the boys just after five. Olivia had to work late and wouldn't be home for dinner. Rae wasn't going to be able to stay for dinner either. One of her high risk moms was finally going into labor and she wanted to be there with her. She apologized to Lucy. She wasn't expecting that Olivia wouldn't be home and that she'd have to do everything by herself. She assured her that there was no need to apologize. She was happy to do dinner and homework with the boys then get them to bed.

"Did Liv say how late she'd be?" she asked as she put her coat on.

"No" Lucy said shaking her head. "She just said she had to work and asked if I could stay with the boys until she got in".

"Ok. Well, dinner's in the oven. Just take it out when the timer goes off. Calvin has to read for at least thirty minutes before video games and if you could wash Noah's hair tonight in the bathtub that'd be great".

"Not a problem".

"Thanks so much Lucy".

"Of course". She called for Calvin and Noah so she could say goodbye then headed out the door to work. Araeyah was able to be there for her patient and help her deliver a healthy baby boy without complications. That was the rewarding part. But down the hall, in another delivery room, a baby sustained possible brain damage from a prolapsed cord. That was the heartbreaking part. She congratulated the new parents one more time before leaving them to their little one and going to check on her other patients and get ready for rounds. The next morning, at the end of her shift, she left on time. When she got home, Lucy was still there getting the boys ready. Olivia hadn't been home. She got Noah dressed then checked Calvin's homework while Lucy made lunches. With their bags packed for the day, they said their goodbyes and headed out the door. Rae went to shower then climbed into bed. Ten minutes after her head hit the pillow, she was out light a light.

The weekend went by quickly. Rae and Olivia were still barely speaking but they both made an effort to make things seem normal for Calvin and Noah. They had taken a step backwards on the communication front, mostly because Rae wasn't interested in talking. She knew she was breaking the rules by not communicating but she didn't care. She couldn't be sure that Olivia was telling her the truth. If she couldn't be sure that she wasn't lying to her, she didn't want to talk to her at all. It was harder to avoid her once she went back to days. For the next two weeks of her OBGYN rotation, she was working in the outpatient clinic. For the most part, she had regular nine to five hours. The upside was that she got to spend more time with the boys. Wednesday came around again and it was time for another session with Dr. Jeffries. At least for the hour they'd be in her office, she wouldn't be able to avoid talking to Olivia.

"So" Alice said getting settled in her chair with her pen and pad, "how has the last week been?"

"Fantastic" Rae said sarcastically.

"Araeyah thinks I'm cheating on her again" Olivia said abruptly. "I'm not" she said repeating her denial of another affair. "Obviously" she added.

"Why obviously?" Rae asked annoyed.

"Rae, I am not cheating on you" she said firmly.

"Why should it be obvious?" she asked again. "It wasn't obvious to me when you were cheating on me. Why should it be obvious to me that you're not?"

"I love you and…"

"You loved me before too" she said not letting her finish. Olivia sighed in defeat. She didn't know what she could say or do to convince Rae that she wasn't having an affair.

"Araeyah, why do you think Olivia is having an affair again?" Alice asked curiously.

"It just makes sense" she shrugged. "When she was having an affair before she was so preoccupied with me and Amanda and now she's doing it again. What am I supposed to think?"

"This time is different" Olivia said in her defense.

"How is it different?"

"I have real reasons to be concerned now".

"What reasons?"

"You were in love with her and…."

"And you think I still am" Rae said with a scoff. "And how is you making more of our relationship now any different than you making more of our relationship back then?"

"I'm not projecting anything".

"You just don't trust me…. even though I've never, ever given you a reason not to".

"I trust you Araeyah" she said firmly. Rae scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I do trust you. My feelings about you and Rollins have nothing to do with how much I trust you".

"What does it have to do with then?"

"You were in love with Amanda and you still love her…"

"Of co…"

"Araeyah" Alice interjected, "let her finish". Rae sighed in annoyance but closed her mouth so Olivia could finish her thought. "Go ahead Olivia" she said giving her permission to continue.

"It's obvious that you still love her. I just feel like if there's anyone you'd be with besides me, it would be her. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling jealous but it's how I feel Araeyah. It doesn't mean that I'm projecting and it doesn't mean that I don't trust you. I am not having an affair" she repeated for the third time. "I just…. sometimes I think that maybe you need more time… to decide what you really want?" Rae looked over at her. Olivia could tell that she was angry with what she'd just said.

"Rae, how do you feel about what Olivia just said?"

"I don't know" she shrugged.

"I don't think that's true" Alice argued. "I think you have at least one feeling that's very apparent".

"Ok, I'm angry" she admitted. "It makes me angry that she professes these feelings of worry and jealousy, feelings that stem from lack of trust, but continues to say that she trusts me. Meanwhile, I have always trusted you" she said turning to Olivia. Her voice was getting louder as she got angrier. "Even when I shouldn't have. Even when you were making a complete idiot of me, I trusted you" she said, now yelling. She took a deep breath to calm herself. "I don't know if I can anymore. I don't think that I do" she said in a calmer tone.

"What else are you feeling Rae?" Alice asked, encouraging her to continue. "Look at Olivia and tell her what else you're feeling".

"I can't" she said softly, shaking her head. She felt the lump in her throat getting bigger and bigger. Her eyes started to well up with tears. She couldn't bring herself to look at her fiancé. She took deep breaths to push down the emotion welling up inside her.

"Until you confront all of the feelings you have surrounding Olivia's affair, you won't be able to heal and move on from it" she said in a challenging tone. "Rae…." She said attempting again to get her voice her feelings.

"I'm sorry" Rae said starting to gather her things. "I can't do this".

"Araeyah please" Olivia said desperately. She reached out and grabbed her hand, trying to stop her from leaving.

"Just don't!" she yelled, pulling away. "Don't touch me". She opened the door and stormed out of the session. Olivia got up from the couch and followed her towards the door.

"Araeyah" she yelled after her.

"Let her go, Olivia" Alice said, stopping her from following after her. "Why don't you sit down? We'll finish the session, just the two of us". Olivia debated whether she should stay or go after her fiancé. "The best thing you can do now is give her the space she needs to work through her feelings".

"She doesn't work through her feelings" Olivia argued. "She stuffs them down".

"I gathered as much" Alice agreed. Olivia shut the door and retook her seat on the couch. "Araeyah loves you; that much is clear. If she wants things to work out between the two of you, and I believe that she does, then she won't be able to stuff them down much longer. Why don't we move on from Rae's feelings for the moment and talk about yours?"

"What about mine?"

"Well, you mentioned that if Rae would be with anyone besides you it would be Amanda and that's where your worries and jealousy stems from". Olivia nodded. "Why is that a thought in your mind?"

"Why is what a thought in my mind?"

"Rae being with someone other than you" she clarified. "Why does that enter your mind?" Olivia sighed.

"Because… because I see them together. I see them together all of the time and I can see the love they still have for each other" she explained. "I don't have to imagine what they had because I can see it. I don't want to be bothered by it but I am".

"Can you understand how your thinking about that may come across to Rae as distrust?"

"I don't know" she answered honestly. "I mean, people get jealous all of the time. I don't see how that means I don't trust her".

"I don't think it's simply the jealousy" Alice pointed out. "I think it's the jealousy coupled with the worry that she would leave you for someone else. If you trust her, if she makes you feel secure in what she feels for you and in what you have together, then why worry?" Olivia considered what she was saying and was, maybe for the first time, starting to understand Rae's frustration with her. She was right after all. She had never given her any reason to doubt her commitment to her. So, why was she worried?

"Maybe she's right" she said after some thought. "Maybe I am projecting" she said with a shrug. "Maybe my distrust is more about me and what I've done than it is about her".

"Tell me more about that" Alice said prompting her to explore that train of thought further.

"Well, I know what I did… when things got tough between us before and maybe…" she started to get emotional. She took a breath to fight back her tears. "Maybe I'm worried she'll do to me what I did to her. Maybe I'm projecting my own flaws onto her".

"I think you may be right" Alice said pleased with Olivia's self-assessment.

"So I guess I should work on that" she said with a chuckle.

"I want you to continue to focus on this. Leave Rae to focus on her own feelings and you continue focusing on yours. Start working on figuring out why you project your issues on to Rae and what you can do to start recognizing when you are projecting and when you have independent concerns that are legitimately based on her behavior" she said giving her a new assignment. "We'll talk more about it next week".

"What if Rae doesn't…. what if she doesn't want to come back next week?" she asked nervously.

"Then we'll meet, just the two of us" she said casually. "We'll continue talking and working through your issues until she is ready to come back".

"Ok" Olivia said accepting her proposal. They scheduled the next appointment for the next week. Olivia thanked her for the session and went on her way. She didn't know what to expect when she got home. She hadn't expected for Rae to storm out of their therapy session. She hoped she wanted to talk to her when she got home. She walked in the door thinking she'd see her and the boys getting ready for dinner. Instead, she walked in to an empty apartment. She pulled her phone from her pocket and called Rae but got no answer. She went into the bedroom and turned the light on. When she started to undress, she noticed some clothes on the floor in the closet that hadn't been there this morning. She went in to hang them back up when she noticed some hangers on the floor as well. Her eyes went to the top shelf to see that Rae's overnight bag was gone. The clothes fell from her hands as she rushed to Noah's room then to Calvin's. Their bags were gone as well. Rae didn't plan on coming home with the kids tonight. She went back to the bedroom, grabbed her phone and called Rae again. Again, she received no answer. This time she left a message asking Rae to call her back and let her know where she and the boys were. She didn't have to talk to her if she didn't want. She could text her. All she wanted was to know that she and the boys were safe and when they'd be home. She knew Rae was angry but she hoped she wasn't too angry to answer her back. Trying not to stress herself unnecessarily, she undressed and went to take a shower. She hoped, by the time she came out, she'd have a message from Rae.